Foster Care Institute Dr. John DeGarmo

Vacationing With a Foster Family

5/21/2026

Summer time! For many families, it is a time of summer vacation; trips to the beach, a visit to relatives, a day spent at an amusement park, and summer camp for the kids. Summer is also a time where families come together, spending quality time, as well as quantity time with each other. However, for children in foster care, it can also be a time of emptiness, loneliness, and inactivity. Many children in care have never had a “summer vacation” before coming into care. Perhaps their biological family was unable to provide that trip to the beach. Perhaps these children in need never attended a summer camp beforehand. Perhaps there simply was not anyone around to play with, or even to talk to.

Being a foster parent has many rewards. One of these is the chance to give children in foster care new experiences; experiences that can be found during summer time and school vacations. To be sure, these vacation periods allow for children in care to not only experience some things for the very first time, but also are opportunities for growth, for healing, for learning, and for some children in care, the first real occasion to laugh and simply “be a kid”.

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When one thinks summer vacation from school, one usually thinks of a family trip. Taking a foster child on a summer vacation can be an incredibly rewarding experience for the child. For one, it allows the child to have the opportunity to create some special memories that he might not have had otherwise. For the child, it might be the first time he travels on an airplane, visited the beach or ocean, went camping and spent the night sleeping in a tent, or enjoyed some time at an amusement park. Indeed, vacations allow children in care the chance to see new places and try new things.
Vacations are also times when families are able to bond together as a family unit. Certainly, many children in care have difficulty forming healthy relationships with others, including their foster family. A family vacation is an opportunity for foster families to grow closer, and allows the child the opportunity to break down some of the emotional walls and barriers he has built inside of himself

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If a foster family plans on taking their foster child on vacation with them, it is important that the child’s case worker be notified. Along with this, foster parents should seek the permission of the case worker. If the child is taken over state lines, many times foster parents will also need the permission of the child’s birth parents. Case workers can help with this by obtaining this permission. Foster parents should obtain permission, by both case worker and birth parents, in writing or documentation of some kind, just to be safe. Finally, before leaving on vacation with the child, ensure that the case worker has the contact information and phone numbers of the foster family, in case any emergency should arise.

-Dr. John

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What Foster Parents Should Know Before a Child Starts Looking for Biological Family

4/6/2026

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At some point, many foster parents hear a question that carries a lot of weight:
“Do you think I could find them?”
It might come out of nowhere. Or it might build over time through small comments and interest.
However it shows, a child seeking information on their biological family is a moment that
deserves care, understanding, effort, patience, and honesty.
It can also feel complicated. You may want to protect them. You may not know what to say. You
may wonder what it means for your relationship.
All of that is normal.
It usually starts with interest, not rejection.
One of the most important things to understand is this: a child’s desire to search is usually not
about you.
It is about them trying to understand their story. And since 90% of birth mothers want to be
found, odds are, they can get some of the answers they seek.

Here’s why that is important:
Kids in foster care often live with very personal gaps. Missing names. Missing faces. Missing
explanations. Even when they are safe and supported, those gaps do not disappear. In fact,
they tend to grow more noticeable as a child gets older.
Wanting to know where they come from is a natural part of identity. It does not take away from
the bond you have built with your foster child. In many cases, it actually shows that they feel
secure enough to ask.
That perspective can help shift the moment from something threatening to something you can
walk through together.

Make it safe to talk about, early and often.
If a child feels like the topic is uncomfortable, they may stop bringing it to you and start looking
on their own. That is where things can get harder.
The goal is not to have perfect answers. It is to be a safe place.
Simple responses matter more than long explanations.
“I’m really glad you told me.”
“It makes sense that you’d be curious.”
Those kinds of responses keep the door open.
Even if you do not have information to give, your willingness to sit in the conversation with them
creates trust.
That trust is what will guide how they handle the next step.
There is more emotion here than most people expect

Searching for a biological family is simply not a task. It is an emotional process.
A child might feel hopeful one day and unsure the next. They might imagine what a reunion
could look like, while also worrying about what they will find. There can be excitement, fear,
anger, grief, and even guilt all at once.
Some children worry that wanting to search will hurt their foster parents. Others feel torn
between loyalty to the family they are with and fascination with the one they came from.
Let them know they are allowed to feel more than one thing at a time. Let them know there is no
“right” way to feel about it. They are going through a lot, even outside of their identity gaps.
Around 80% of foster kids have mental health issues, and the struggle for identity can add to the
mental health struggles that many foster kids face.
And be prepared for the possibility that the outcome may not fulfill their expectations.
Sometimes information is incomplete. Sometimes people cannot be found. Sometimes contact
is not possible or not healthy.
Supporting a child means being present through all of it, not just the hopeful parts.

Go at their pace, not yours.
Some children want to move quickly. Others take small steps over time. Both are valid.
It can be tempting to either slow things down out of caution or speed things up to get answers.
Neither approach tends to work well long-term. Instead, follow the child’s lead while helping
them think through decisions.
That might look similar to starting with questions. Writing down what they want to know. Talking
through what they hope will happen. Thinking about what they might do if things do not go as
planned.
This is not about controlling the process. It is related to guiding it.

Be thoughtful about how the search happens.
Today, most searches begin online. But a child may come across something or experience
something through searching and contacting that they are not prepared to process on their own.
If a search is going to happen, it is better for it to happen with support.
That could include talking through what tools to use, establishing expectations about what
information means, and deciding together what steps feel appropriate. It also means having
conversations with respect to privacy, boundaries, and timing.
If it helps, here is a piece on foster care searches that walks through the human side of these
searches and how to approach them carefully. The objective is not just to find information. It is
to do it in a way that protects the child emotionally.
You do not have to have all the answers.
This is one of the hardest parts for foster parents.
You want to do this right. You want to protect them. You want to support them. And at the same
time, you may feel like you are entering something you cannot fully control.

The truth is, you are not expected to have all the answers.
What matters most is that you stay present. That you listen. That you remain steady, though
things feel uncertain. If a child knows they can come back to you with whatever they find, that
matters more than any single outcome.

This can strengthen your relationship, not weaken it.
It may not feel like it at first, but these trials can actually deepen trust.
When a child sees that you are willing to support their questions, even when those questions
are hard and can’t always be answered, it reinforces something important. It gives an example
of unconditional care. Which builds trust. And that trust is what allows a child to grow into their
full story, with you still very much a part of it.
Remember that you are not alone. Many families are walking this same path, each in their own
way. Staying open, patient, and grounded will hold greater significance than trying to handle it
perfectly. Sometimes, the most important thing you can offer is not a solution. It is simply being
there, steady and willing, as a child begins to ask where they come from.
If you need help finding information, National Cellular Directory partners with foster care families
by offering free searches; making it a helpful place to start with the details you already have.

-Holly Trost
National Cellular Directory
18202 Minnetonka Boulevard, Suite 8
Wayzata, MN 55391

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Why you NEED to say "No" as a Foster Parent.

3/11/2026

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It was a very difficult, almost impossible, word for "The Fonz" to say on the classic TV show "Happy Days."

Maybe, it is a very difficult, almost impossible, word for you to say at times.

The word “No” has been a difficult one for me as a foster parent whenever we got “the call” for a placement of another child.

Indeed, for my first 14 years as a foster parent, I felt guilt whenever we had to tell a case worker that we were unable to care for the child that needed a home, at that very moment. I have had to say no on a few occasions over the year, and would be saddled with guilt for a time afterwards.    With the lack of foster homes in the area I live in, along with the increase in the number of children being placed into care, my wife and I have taken in child after child, signing waiver after waiver. A few years ago, we had 11 children in the house. Two years ago, we had 9. This time last year, we had 8 children.   Yes, we were running on fumes; exhausted each day from the many emotional needs and challenges the children brought into our home and into our families. Make no mistake; we loved what we were doing, and we felt called to do so.

                Yet, we were tired. We needed a break.

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Soon after this, a rather strange thing happened. Four of the children in our home went off to college. We had been caring for some older youth, all seniors in high school, who had nowhere else to stay, no one to care for them. It had been a rough 12 months, yet it had also been an adventurous one, as well. And then, within a matter of days, the four older ones in our home were off on their own adventure. While we still call them, visit them, and love them, they are starting exciting new chapters in their lives, and we shall continue to support them in so many ways. What I found, though, was an exciting adventure was about to start for my wife and I.

For the first time, in 15 years, we only had 4 children in the home; a biological son and three children we had adopted from foster care.   We found the house much quieter, much more peaceful, and we embraced it. The past few weeks have been as if we were on vacation; as if we were on respite care. (I can only imagine that this what having an "empty nest" felt like.) It has been a time to re-charge those batteries, reconnect with each other, and reconnect with our children. It has been a time where we could find rest, for you see, we had reached a stage bordering on being burned out.

More importantly, it has reminded me that foster parents do indeed need rest from time to time. Indeed, foster parents DO need rest and a time of reprieve, every now and then.

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The life of a foster parent is a difficult one. It is unlike any other life style. The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis. Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through. Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange, and question why you do it.

You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained. There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child. The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off. You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated. You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments. Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities. Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks.

So, it is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life. As a foster parent, you NEED to take care of yourself.   You NEED to ensure that you are watching out after yourself, finding the time you need for you, and the help you need to care for not only the children in your home, but for yourself and your family. If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

-Dr. John

Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of the book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families. Order your special copy HERE.

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The Value of a Foster Parent Support Group.

2/23/2026

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It can be challenging caring for children who are filled with anxiety, who have issues of trust and attachment, and who struggle with so much on a day-to-day basis in your home and as part of your family twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why up to 50 percent of foster parents quit after the first year of opening up their home to children in foster care. Today’s foster parents lack support and a support network.

The truth is that as foster parents, we need and we deserve a network of support from those who truly understand what we do, why we do it, and the difficulties we may face as foster parents. Perhaps the best thing my caseworker did for my wife and me after we completed our foster parent training was help us create a foster parent’s support group in our county. We began meeting once a month, at a local church, and my wife and I quickly grew to not only look forward to each meeting but really embrace and value the members in the support group. The other members of our support group understood what my wife and I were going through as foster parents because they, too, were foster parents. They too had had similar experiences.

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As a support group, we could lean on one another during difficult times, laugh at some of the absurdities that only come with foster parenting, and gain valuable knowledge and skills from those foster parents who had already gone through similar experiences as they had walked the foster parenting journey as well. Most important, we could surround ourselves with people who would not judge us as “those strange foster parents.”

Foster parent support groups, or foster parent associations as they are sometimes also known by, offer so much for both the new and veteran foster parent. Support groups and associations offer you the opportunity to develop relationships with other foster parents. These relationships are wonderful occasions for you to validate your own experiences and emotions you feel as a foster parent. Fellow foster parents will also be able to discuss common experiences and common concerns related to the foster children living in their homes, as well as share ideas and resources with one another.

When you join a foster parent support group, you quickly come to the realization that you are not alone. There are others who have had similar experiences, and this realization often turns to relief. Along with this, when you are surrounded by others who have walked the same path you have as a foster parent, you can truly express yourself with others without fear of judgment or ridicule. Support groups offer just that, a supportive environment where you will very likely feel comfortable enough to share your feelings, concerns, frustrations, and doubts within a safe space. Doing so can be both therapeutic and even healing for you. In addition, as you share with others who support you, the stress of caring for children in crisis and in need can be reduced considerably.

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One wonderful benefit of belonging to a foster parent support group is the opportunity to surround yourself with others you can learn from. Indeed, you will learn so much about how the foster care system truly works from those who have been involved in it for some time. In addition, you will also learn practical and real-life tips on how to deal with difficult situations you might be experiencing currently or may experience in the future. This can better help prepare you in advance for those challenging moments, as well as grant you a better understanding of what you might experience caring for children in crisis. Finally, foster parent support groups allow you to share resources. Perhaps you have a new baby being placed in your home and do not have the proper resources needed. Others in your foster parent support group may be able to help, providing cribs, car seats, age-appropriate toys, and so forth. Indeed, foster parents are quick to share not only knowledge, wisdom, and experiences, they are also often quick to share needed physical items.

-Dr .John
Want MORE about this? Look for the upcoming book Called to Foster by Jen Lilley and Dr. John DeGarmo in May, 2026.

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How To Help Your Own Children While Caring For Foster Children

12/30/2025

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My children are a very important part of my foster parenting. Without them, my wife and I would not have been able to foster the sixty plus children that have come through our home. At one point, we had 11 children living in our home. As you can imagine, the house can become quite messy, quite quickly! The amount of laundry, dishes, and general cleaning can be overwhelming in a hurry. Along with that is the homework, soccer games, marching band practices, piano lessons, and other activities that children are involved with after school. Furthermore, there are doctor's appointments, therapy sessions, and visitations that come along with children in foster care.

At the end of the day, my wife and I were often exhausted and worn out. If not for the help of our children, we might have been crushed by the load of work. Not only did the children help out with the laundry, dishes, and other house hold chores, they also helped with feeding our many younger children from foster care, reading them stories, and playing with them. Most importantly, though, my own biological and adoptive children have come to love their siblings from foster care, and treat them as part of our own family. It is this love that has been an instrumental part in how our foster children not only fit into our home and family, but has also been vital to helping the healing process that many of our foster children have sorely needed. It is this type of help, and this type of love that has helped us continue to be a foster family, despite the difficult times and challenges we have faced over the years.

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When you decide to become a foster family, you not only need to prepare yourself, but prepare your children, as well. After all, their lives are going to change, too. Your children will not only be sharing their home, but they will be sharing you; their parents. This can be difficult for them to understand, and they will need your support more than ever.

Take some time to sit down with your children and remind them why you chose to be a foster parent. If possible, give them a little training session of your own, and explain to them what it means to be a foster home, and a foster family. More importantly, explain to them what it will mean to be a foster sibling. Share with them, also, the information they need to know about your new child from foster care when he comes to your home.

If they are too young to understand why a child might be in foster care, do not burden or confuse them with this information, they will simply not need more information or details. Your older children may be curious as to why the child from foster care is coming to live with them. Share with them what you know, and remind them that the foster child is probably hurting, frightened, and may reject your family in the first few days and weeks. Tell your children that it will take time to form a relationship with the foster child.

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Your own children may have concerns. Perhaps they are worried that they will have to share you with their new foster sibling. They may resent that there is a new person joining their family, sharing their toys, and sharing their parents. Ask them to share their feelings with you, and listen to what they have to say. Reassure your own children that you will always be there for them. You will also want to plan on setting aside some special time for just you and your own children, as they will need time alone with you during your fostering.

Make sure you also set aside some special time for just you and your spouse. As a foster parent, you may become worn out and exhausted. If you do not give attention to your own marriage and your spouse, but instead focus on being a parent to your children and your child from foster care, you may find your personal life suffering.

-Dr .John
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8 Things to do When Saying Goodbye to Children in Foster Care

9/7/2025

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I have a bit of bad news for you. It really does not get any easier when children move from your home and leave your family. But guess what? It shouldn’t get any easier. This is how it really should be. If you experience grief and loss when your foster child leaves, this reflects the love that developed between you and your child, a reflection of the love that you gave a child in need. As you know, children in foster care need us to love them; they need us to feel for them. When they leave our homes, we should grieve for them, as it simply means that we have given them what they need the most—our love.

At whatever age a child or teen leaves your home—and for whatever reason—it may be a difficult and emotional time for both you and the child. So, we compiled a list of practical steps to help ensure a smoother transition for everyone involved:

1. Communicate openly: Talk to the child about their upcoming transition and help them understand the reasons behind it. Reassure them that they are not at fault and that they will be okay.

2. Maintain routines: Stick to your regular routines as much as possible to provide stability and predictability during the transition.

3. Pack their belongings: Help them pack their things with care—and please, use a suitcase, not a trash bag. Make sure they have all their clothing, toys, personal items, and anything meaningful from your home.

4. Create a “Lifebook”: Start a Lifebook as soon as the child joins your home. Think of it as a scrapbook of their time with you. For many children in foster care, much of their early life story is lost or forgotten. A Lifebook filled with photos, drawings, mementos, and written memories helps them maintain a connection to their story and provides continuity as they transition.

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5. Exchange contact information: With permission, share your contact info with the caseworker or new caregivers so you can remain a support, even from afar.

6. Prepare emotionally: Acknowledge your own emotions and grief. Reach out for support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed.

7. Celebrate their time with you: Plan a meaningful activity or celebration to mark their time in your home. Give them a joyful memory to carry forward.

8. Reflect on the experience: After they leave, take time to reflect. Think about what you’ve learned and how you've grown. Use that insight as you consider future steps in your foster care journey.

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Saying goodbye is never easy for anyone and may be especially difficult for you and your foster child. After your foster child leaves your home, you may feel like you never wish to foster again, as the pain is too great. The grief you feel may be overwhelming. Please remember this though, my friend: You are not alone. It is normal for foster parents to feel loss and grief each time a child leaves your home. Take time to grieve and remind yourself that you are not in control of the situation.
And please remember this. It is okay to cry as a foster parent.

It means that you gave the child what she needed the most—someone to love her with all your heart.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the best selling book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families. Order your signed copy HERE.

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Establishing and Building Trust with Teens in Foster Care

7/20/2025

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Establishing and building trust with your teen is perhaps the most important thing you can do for him and with him. He needs to learn how to trust someone, not only for you and your family while he lives with you, but also for him now, and in his future. He will need to learn how to trust others in the future for him to transition into a healthy adult. Trust will be essential for him as an adult to have healthy relationships with others, to establish friendships, and for employment and career opportunities.

As we have seen earlier, trust takes time. Let’s look at what the best selling book The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home. says about trust:

Perhaps the most important step you can take in helping your foster teen is building trust with him. This will take time, and you will have to have patience; do not expect him to come to your home trusting all you say and do. Give him space and allow him time to learn to trust you. Do not make promises to him that you are sure you are unable to keep. Once a promise is broken by you, it gives him further evidence that he cannot trust you. Talk to him on a personal level; find out what his interests are and encourage him to pursue those. Show interest in him, as well as in his biological family. Help him enroll in after school clubs and activities. Help him to research possible careers for him when he graduates from high school and inform him that dropping out of high school will have severe negative consequences for him. Encourage him to express his feelings and emotions to you, as well as to a counselor, if necessary. He will need to learn that expressing his feelings is natural and healthy instead of keeping them inside.

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Remember the eye rolling we talked about? When it does happen, or when he might make those mean and snide comments, disobey you, or break your family rules, it is important that you do not respond likewise. Instead, it is important that you remain calm, avoid yelling, and avoid being aggressive to the teen placed in your home. When he is trying to argue with you, or raising his voice to you, try to keep your own tone and intensity of your voice lowered.

Be aware of your own stress levels, and if you feel that you are not in control of your emotions, or feel that you may become angry, take a time out. Let him know that you need to step away, and that you will be happy to discuss the matter with him after you have been able to find the calm and the patience that you both need.

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Another way to help your troubled teen is to look at his situation from a different perspective. Try looking at what is troubling him not from the perspective of an adult, or as his foster parent, but instead through the eyes of a teenager in today’s world. In other words, from his perspective. When you do this, it allows you to gain insight into what might be troubling him, insight into what might be triggering his actions and emotional responses. This might help you to respond differently and help bridge the communication gap better.

Today’s teens crave some sort of sense of belonging. Help him find it in your own home, and with your own family.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the best selling book The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home. Order your signed copy HERE.

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Guest Blog-Why Fiction Belongs on Every Foster Family’s Bookshelf by Amanda Zieba

6/19/2025

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The Power of Storytelling

When someone wants to learn something new, they usually turn to nonfiction—a book, a podcast, a trusted expert, or an online resource. But what if there’s another way?

I believe fiction isn’t just entertainment. As an educator, author, and reader, fiction has often been my greatest teacher when I’ve faced hard things.

Let me show you what I mean.

From Rules by Cynthia Lord, I learned what it’s like to have a brother with autism—and how to navigate life in a way that honors both his needs and mine.

From Wild Bird by Wendelin Van Draanen, I learned how loneliness can push someone toward destructive choices—and how wilderness therapy can lead them back to their true self.

From Nowhere Boy by Katherine Marsh, I learned what it’s like to be a refugee child, dependent on the kindness of someone who doesn’t even speak my same language.

Through stories I have learned beyond my own experiences… about grief, living without family members who are imprisoned, eating disorders, being a child to a parent who has an addiction, living in a war zone, being the new kid at school. But not just hard things, good things too! Through stories I have also made an unexpected friend, traveled to a foreign country, won a baking contest, gone to summer camp, written to an international pen pal, made the team, and solved the mystery.

Fiction isn't just a relaxing pastime or hobby —it’s a tool for healing, understanding, and connection. This lesson can absolutely be applied to foster families.

How Fiction Helps Foster Youth Feel Seen
In the book world, we talk about windows and mirrors… how some books are like windows and let us take a peek into a world we’ve never seen before, while others act as a mirror, reflecting ourselves back to us, letting us know we are seen and most definitely not the only one who has been where we are and feel like we feel. Books that act as windows and mirrors are equally powerful.

For foster parents and siblings, books about children living in foster care (and in the difficult situations prior to arriving in foster care) can be windows that help us better see, understand and empathize.

For children and teens in foster care, books featuring main characters facing challenges, emotions and fears similar to their own can act as a mirror, reflecting back an image that is familiar. These books can show them they are not alone.

Fiction allows us to explore tough emotions in a safe, indirect way.

Recommended Reading: A Short List to Start With
If you’re on board and ready to give this fiction strategy a try, here are several titles (for a variety of ages) that will help you put it into action. Each of the books listed below have a read aloud video linked so readers can give them a try to see if they are a good fit.

Pro Tip: Add a trip to the bookstore, complete with a sweet treat from the cafe/bakery to solidify reading as an enjoyable experience!

NOTE: SEE CANVA GRAPHICS FOR VISUAL VERSIONS OF THIS LIST.

Picture Books
Murphy’s Three Homes: A Story for Children in Foster Care By Jan Levinson GilmanSperanza’s Sweater: A Child’s Journey Through Foster Care and Adoption By Marcy PuseyStellaluna by Jenell Cannon

Middle Grade (grades 4-8)
The Barren Grounds by David Robertson
Closer to Nowhere by Ellen Hopkins
Fighting Words by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley
Free Verse by Sarah Dooley
Greetings from Witness Protection by Jake Burt
One for the Murphys by Lynda Mullaly Hunt
The War That Saved My Life by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley

YA/TEEN
Gather by Kenneth M. Cadow
Life in the Passenger Seat by Amanda Zieba
What I Carry by Jennifer Longo

For reluctant readers, try adding an audiobook to the physical copy of the story.

You may have noticed my name on the reading list. Life in the Passenger Seat (https://amandazieba.com/lips) is a young adult novel about a high school gymnast who finds herself in foster care. While it began as a story centered around gymnastics, it quickly grew to include the layered realities of life in foster care. My hope is that both teen and adult readers see themselves in its pages—recognizing that everyone has their own journey, and that stepping into the driver’s seat of your life is a powerful choice. At the same time, I want readers to know it’s okay to need support along the way. If this story offers even a small spark of courage or helps someone keep moving forward, then it’s done its job. If you’re looking for a book that reflects the complexity, resilience, and hope found in the foster care experience, I’d be honored for you to include it on your shelf.

To purchase a copy of this book, or any of the ones mentioned in this article, click HERE

Conversation Starters and Connection Builders
Perhaps one of the most powerful ways of using fiction to help you navigate the hard pieces of foster care is the shared reading experience. Instead of having to confront those hard things head on, you can indirectly discuss the issue via the characters and fictional situations without feeling too confrontational.

Fiction can spark meaningful conversations—without feeling confrontational.
Here are a few general questions that you can use to start these conversations. (Pro Tip, slide these questions into conversation casually, while in the car together or while doing dishes, rather than setting aside a specific time to discuss (which could feel stilted and awkward.)

Mirror Questions – When the book feels familiar

Did anything in the story remind you of something you've experienced?
If you were the main character, what would you have done differently?
What part of the story made you feel the most seen or understood?

Window Questions – When the story feels different

Was there anything in the book that surprised you or made you think differently?
What do you think it would be like to be in that character’s shoes?

Connection Questions – For shared reflection

Was there a moment when you wished someone had spoken up or stepped in?
Is there anything in this book that makes you feel more ready for something in real life?

** For more discussion questions and conversation starters, head HERE to download:

Stories Build Bridges
Before I bring this to a close, I want to quickly reinforce the idea that fiction opens doors to healing, trust, and conversation. Stories can build bridges where it feels like you are lost or there is no common ground. Books can help create a foundation when it feels like your world is crumbling.

I encourage you to make books featuring foster care available not only for the kids in your house, but for you as well. Read, ask questions, and keep showing up—one page at a time… because you matter. So go ahead—pick a book, crack it open, and read side by side. You never know where the story might take you.

Author Bio:
Amanda Zieba is the author of 14 feel-good-fiction books for readers of all ages. She is also the founder of Word Nerd Collaborative, a middle school ELA teacher membership and the creator of the YouTube channel: Learning with the Word Nerd. Amanda lives in Wisconsin with her husband and sons and can usually be found (typically with a novel or notebook in hand) watching them compete in some sort of sport. The plot twist is that even though she spends a huge amount of her life as a spectator, THEY are the biggest cheerleaders in her life. You can learn more about Amanda and connect with her at www.amandazieba.com and purchase her book Life in the Passenger Seat, here. (https://amandazieba.com/lips)

Life in the Passenger Seat by Amanda Zieba
https://amandazieba.com/lips
(target audience age: 12-18)

Life for Shelby Morris has been one giant road trip, but not the good kind. After a series of evictions, her free-spirited, classic-Mustang-driving mother Gina has decided to move them to Michigan to put her passion for cars to work at the Ford Factory.
Just when their aimless wandering finally has a direction, they run out of gas and cash to buy more. What looks like a dead end may be the jump start Shelby needs for a normal life. While they earn their keep cleaning motel rooms, Shelby gets to go to school and finally, her true heart’s desire, compete on a gymnastics team. But when her mother, who doesn’t like to be reminded that she is in fact a mom, takes off, things get complicated. Shelby turns to school for help and is placed in foster care with her coach and his wife.
In many ways, life has never been so good for Shelby. Coach feels like the father she never had, she’s making friends, and things in the gym are better than ever. For the first time in her life, Shelby’s greatest concern is where she’ll land in the line up. But everything could change if Gina comes back. Even when she’s not around, Gina’s in charge of the map, directing the route of Shelby’s life, pushing her to wonder, what would life feel like if she were in the driver’s seat. This twist on the underdog sports story will speed straight into the hearts of readers.
The book also includes nonfiction backmatter about Foster Care from Miami Dolphin and Foster Care Advocate, Alec Ingold as well as tips for bouncing back mentally from a physical injury by Vanderbilt University Sports Psychologist Julie Sutcliffe.

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Don't Take it Personal! The Hard Part of Being a Foster Parent.

3/10/2025

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There have been those times when some of the children living with my family have been disrespectful to me, have called me every name in the book, and have been downright mean spirited towards my wife and me. Does my blood pressure rise, as a result? Yes, sometimes it does, and at times it is difficult on all of us. To be sure, when a child calls you names, pushes your buttons, disobeys you, and treats you poorly, it is difficult not to take it personally. You may become angry; that’s normal.

Yet, as a foster parent, it is important for all of us to remember that the child is most likely not attacking you personally. Children in foster care are often scared, often afraid, often hurting, and often in emotional pain. For so many children, they simply do not know how to process the many feelings and emotions that engulf and enwrap them. They are unsure how to appropriately release these pent up feelings, emotions, and anxieties, and simply lash out instead. Lash out at you. Lash out at me. My friend, that’s okay. You and I are simply the recipient of the pain and trauma that they suffer from. It is important for us not to take it as a personal attack. So, how do we do that? How do we prevent this from leading to burn out?

First, we need to remember that it isn’t really about us. The child has been abused, neglected, abandoned. There is a reason why the child living in your home has been placed into foster care. He is hurting. It’s not about us. It’s about the child, and his pain. Even when he is yelling at you, “I hate you!” and slamming the door. His anger and emotion may be directed at you, but it’s not truly about you. Instead, his anger and pain comes from someplace else.

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When your buttons are being pushed, it is important to remember that you are the mature one, you are the adult, you are the parental figure. Resist yelling back, don’t give in to the temptation to respond in anger, no name calling from you. Try to not respond emotionally. Instead, focus on the child’s behavior and not his emotion. Respond to why he is feeling this way, not to the words he may be yelling at you.

I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent.

Get the Licensing and Training Hours/CEUs you Need! Become a Special Member of The Foster Care Institute-AMAZING Benefits!

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the best selling book The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents. Order your signed copy HERE.

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The Importance of Self Care for Foster Parents

2/21/2025

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The past few years have been tough on foster parents.

The result: foster parents are exhausted. You, me, all of us. We are exhausted, filled with our own anxiety and confusion. As we struggled with all of the confusion and chaos that resulted from the Coronavirus, foster parents are in jeopardy of burnout, of stress, of compassion fatigue, and even of ending their time as foster parents.

Yet, as I have said countless times at conferences, training sessions, webinars, and with journalists, if we, as foster parents, do not care for ourselves, we can not care for the children in our home.

Here are a few ways that we can and NEED to care for ourselves, or Foster Parent Self Care.

Exercise, Diet, and Sleep time
Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy. You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever. Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out. Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression. Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout. You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain. There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being. Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us. Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with. Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

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Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves. If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals. Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy. According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood. So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet. Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep. We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times. When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day. Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.

Remember to “Be in the Moment”
I imagine that you have the same experiences from time to time. You worry too much about the future. You grow concerned about what has not happened yet. You allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties. My friend, that’s normal, and it is easy to do . Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be. When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time. When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment. As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.

Become a Special Member of The Foster Care Institute-AMAZING Benefits!

Your Own Support Group
I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent. Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life. It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.

Alone time
When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. By taking the following stress reducing steps, you will help to ensure your well being, as you care for others in your home.

Quite simply, you need to make time for yourself. As a foster parent, this will be difficult, as you will be required to take care of a child full time. Along with this, you may also need to care for your own children, as well as your spouse. You may have a full time job that requires a great deal of your energy, plus there are those other commitments you have, such as church, volunteering, and other organizations you might be involved in. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the best selling book The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents. Order your signed copy HERE.

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Vacationing With a Foster Family

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What Foster Parents Should Know Before a Child Starts Looking for Biological Family

Why you NEED to say "No" as a Foster Parent.

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The Value of a Foster Parent Support Group.

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How To Help Your Own Children While Caring For Foster Children

8 Things to do When Saying Goodbye to Children in Foster Care

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Establishing and Building Trust with Teens in Foster Care

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Guest Blog-Why Fiction Belongs on Every Foster Family’s Bookshelf by Amanda Zieba

Don't Take it Personal! The Hard Part of Being a Foster Parent.

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The Importance of Self Care for Foster Parents

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