Foster Care Institute Dr. John DeGarmo

How To Help Your Own Children While Caring For Foster Children

12/30/2025

My children are a very important part of my foster parenting. Without them, my wife and I would not have been able to foster the sixty plus children that have come through our home. At one point, we had 11 children living in our home. As you can imagine, the house can become quite messy, quite quickly! The amount of laundry, dishes, and general cleaning can be overwhelming in a hurry. Along with that is the homework, soccer games, marching band practices, piano lessons, and other activities that children are involved with after school. Furthermore, there are doctor's appointments, therapy sessions, and visitations that come along with children in foster care.

At the end of the day, my wife and I were often exhausted and worn out. If not for the help of our children, we might have been crushed by the load of work. Not only did the children help out with the laundry, dishes, and other house hold chores, they also helped with feeding our many younger children from foster care, reading them stories, and playing with them. Most importantly, though, my own biological and adoptive children have come to love their siblings from foster care, and treat them as part of our own family. It is this love that has been an instrumental part in how our foster children not only fit into our home and family, but has also been vital to helping the healing process that many of our foster children have sorely needed. It is this type of help, and this type of love that has helped us continue to be a foster family, despite the difficult times and challenges we have faced over the years.

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When you decide to become a foster family, you not only need to prepare yourself, but prepare your children, as well. After all, their lives are going to change, too. Your children will not only be sharing their home, but they will be sharing you; their parents. This can be difficult for them to understand, and they will need your support more than ever.

Take some time to sit down with your children and remind them why you chose to be a foster parent. If possible, give them a little training session of your own, and explain to them what it means to be a foster home, and a foster family. More importantly, explain to them what it will mean to be a foster sibling. Share with them, also, the information they need to know about your new child from foster care when he comes to your home.

If they are too young to understand why a child might be in foster care, do not burden or confuse them with this information, they will simply not need more information or details. Your older children may be curious as to why the child from foster care is coming to live with them. Share with them what you know, and remind them that the foster child is probably hurting, frightened, and may reject your family in the first few days and weeks. Tell your children that it will take time to form a relationship with the foster child.

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Your own children may have concerns. Perhaps they are worried that they will have to share you with their new foster sibling. They may resent that there is a new person joining their family, sharing their toys, and sharing their parents. Ask them to share their feelings with you, and listen to what they have to say. Reassure your own children that you will always be there for them. You will also want to plan on setting aside some special time for just you and your own children, as they will need time alone with you during your fostering.

Make sure you also set aside some special time for just you and your spouse. As a foster parent, you may become worn out and exhausted. If you do not give attention to your own marriage and your spouse, but instead focus on being a parent to your children and your child from foster care, you may find your personal life suffering.

-Dr .John
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8 Things to do When Saying Goodbye to Children in Foster Care

9/7/2025

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I have a bit of bad news for you. It really does not get any easier when children move from your home and leave your family. But guess what? It shouldn’t get any easier. This is how it really should be. If you experience grief and loss when your foster child leaves, this reflects the love that developed between you and your child, a reflection of the love that you gave a child in need. As you know, children in foster care need us to love them; they need us to feel for them. When they leave our homes, we should grieve for them, as it simply means that we have given them what they need the most—our love.

At whatever age a child or teen leaves your home—and for whatever reason—it may be a difficult and emotional time for both you and the child. So, we compiled a list of practical steps to help ensure a smoother transition for everyone involved:

1. Communicate openly: Talk to the child about their upcoming transition and help them understand the reasons behind it. Reassure them that they are not at fault and that they will be okay.

2. Maintain routines: Stick to your regular routines as much as possible to provide stability and predictability during the transition.

3. Pack their belongings: Help them pack their things with care—and please, use a suitcase, not a trash bag. Make sure they have all their clothing, toys, personal items, and anything meaningful from your home.

4. Create a “Lifebook”: Start a Lifebook as soon as the child joins your home. Think of it as a scrapbook of their time with you. For many children in foster care, much of their early life story is lost or forgotten. A Lifebook filled with photos, drawings, mementos, and written memories helps them maintain a connection to their story and provides continuity as they transition.

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5. Exchange contact information: With permission, share your contact info with the caseworker or new caregivers so you can remain a support, even from afar.

6. Prepare emotionally: Acknowledge your own emotions and grief. Reach out for support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed.

7. Celebrate their time with you: Plan a meaningful activity or celebration to mark their time in your home. Give them a joyful memory to carry forward.

8. Reflect on the experience: After they leave, take time to reflect. Think about what you’ve learned and how you've grown. Use that insight as you consider future steps in your foster care journey.

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Saying goodbye is never easy for anyone and may be especially difficult for you and your foster child. After your foster child leaves your home, you may feel like you never wish to foster again, as the pain is too great. The grief you feel may be overwhelming. Please remember this though, my friend: You are not alone. It is normal for foster parents to feel loss and grief each time a child leaves your home. Take time to grieve and remind yourself that you are not in control of the situation.
And please remember this. It is okay to cry as a foster parent.

It means that you gave the child what she needed the most—someone to love her with all your heart.

-Dr. John

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Establishing and Building Trust with Teens in Foster Care

7/20/2025

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Establishing and building trust with your teen is perhaps the most important thing you can do for him and with him. He needs to learn how to trust someone, not only for you and your family while he lives with you, but also for him now, and in his future. He will need to learn how to trust others in the future for him to transition into a healthy adult. Trust will be essential for him as an adult to have healthy relationships with others, to establish friendships, and for employment and career opportunities.

As we have seen earlier, trust takes time. Let’s look at what the best selling book The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home. says about trust:

Perhaps the most important step you can take in helping your foster teen is building trust with him. This will take time, and you will have to have patience; do not expect him to come to your home trusting all you say and do. Give him space and allow him time to learn to trust you. Do not make promises to him that you are sure you are unable to keep. Once a promise is broken by you, it gives him further evidence that he cannot trust you. Talk to him on a personal level; find out what his interests are and encourage him to pursue those. Show interest in him, as well as in his biological family. Help him enroll in after school clubs and activities. Help him to research possible careers for him when he graduates from high school and inform him that dropping out of high school will have severe negative consequences for him. Encourage him to express his feelings and emotions to you, as well as to a counselor, if necessary. He will need to learn that expressing his feelings is natural and healthy instead of keeping them inside.

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Remember the eye rolling we talked about? When it does happen, or when he might make those mean and snide comments, disobey you, or break your family rules, it is important that you do not respond likewise. Instead, it is important that you remain calm, avoid yelling, and avoid being aggressive to the teen placed in your home. When he is trying to argue with you, or raising his voice to you, try to keep your own tone and intensity of your voice lowered.

Be aware of your own stress levels, and if you feel that you are not in control of your emotions, or feel that you may become angry, take a time out. Let him know that you need to step away, and that you will be happy to discuss the matter with him after you have been able to find the calm and the patience that you both need.

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Another way to help your troubled teen is to look at his situation from a different perspective. Try looking at what is troubling him not from the perspective of an adult, or as his foster parent, but instead through the eyes of a teenager in today’s world. In other words, from his perspective. When you do this, it allows you to gain insight into what might be troubling him, insight into what might be triggering his actions and emotional responses. This might help you to respond differently and help bridge the communication gap better.

Today’s teens crave some sort of sense of belonging. Help him find it in your own home, and with your own family.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the best selling book The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home. Order your signed copy HERE.

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Guest Blog-Why Fiction Belongs on Every Foster Family’s Bookshelf by Amanda Zieba

6/19/2025

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The Power of Storytelling

When someone wants to learn something new, they usually turn to nonfiction—a book, a podcast, a trusted expert, or an online resource. But what if there’s another way?

I believe fiction isn’t just entertainment. As an educator, author, and reader, fiction has often been my greatest teacher when I’ve faced hard things.

Let me show you what I mean.

From Rules by Cynthia Lord, I learned what it’s like to have a brother with autism—and how to navigate life in a way that honors both his needs and mine.

From Wild Bird by Wendelin Van Draanen, I learned how loneliness can push someone toward destructive choices—and how wilderness therapy can lead them back to their true self.

From Nowhere Boy by Katherine Marsh, I learned what it’s like to be a refugee child, dependent on the kindness of someone who doesn’t even speak my same language.

Through stories I have learned beyond my own experiences… about grief, living without family members who are imprisoned, eating disorders, being a child to a parent who has an addiction, living in a war zone, being the new kid at school. But not just hard things, good things too! Through stories I have also made an unexpected friend, traveled to a foreign country, won a baking contest, gone to summer camp, written to an international pen pal, made the team, and solved the mystery.

Fiction isn't just a relaxing pastime or hobby —it’s a tool for healing, understanding, and connection. This lesson can absolutely be applied to foster families.

How Fiction Helps Foster Youth Feel Seen
In the book world, we talk about windows and mirrors… how some books are like windows and let us take a peek into a world we’ve never seen before, while others act as a mirror, reflecting ourselves back to us, letting us know we are seen and most definitely not the only one who has been where we are and feel like we feel. Books that act as windows and mirrors are equally powerful.

For foster parents and siblings, books about children living in foster care (and in the difficult situations prior to arriving in foster care) can be windows that help us better see, understand and empathize.

For children and teens in foster care, books featuring main characters facing challenges, emotions and fears similar to their own can act as a mirror, reflecting back an image that is familiar. These books can show them they are not alone.

Fiction allows us to explore tough emotions in a safe, indirect way.

Recommended Reading: A Short List to Start With
If you’re on board and ready to give this fiction strategy a try, here are several titles (for a variety of ages) that will help you put it into action. Each of the books listed below have a read aloud video linked so readers can give them a try to see if they are a good fit.

Pro Tip: Add a trip to the bookstore, complete with a sweet treat from the cafe/bakery to solidify reading as an enjoyable experience!

NOTE: SEE CANVA GRAPHICS FOR VISUAL VERSIONS OF THIS LIST.

Picture Books
Murphy’s Three Homes: A Story for Children in Foster Care By Jan Levinson GilmanSperanza’s Sweater: A Child’s Journey Through Foster Care and Adoption By Marcy PuseyStellaluna by Jenell Cannon

Middle Grade (grades 4-8)
The Barren Grounds by David Robertson
Closer to Nowhere by Ellen Hopkins
Fighting Words by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley
Free Verse by Sarah Dooley
Greetings from Witness Protection by Jake Burt
One for the Murphys by Lynda Mullaly Hunt
The War That Saved My Life by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley

YA/TEEN
Gather by Kenneth M. Cadow
Life in the Passenger Seat by Amanda Zieba
What I Carry by Jennifer Longo

For reluctant readers, try adding an audiobook to the physical copy of the story.

You may have noticed my name on the reading list. Life in the Passenger Seat (https://amandazieba.com/lips) is a young adult novel about a high school gymnast who finds herself in foster care. While it began as a story centered around gymnastics, it quickly grew to include the layered realities of life in foster care. My hope is that both teen and adult readers see themselves in its pages—recognizing that everyone has their own journey, and that stepping into the driver’s seat of your life is a powerful choice. At the same time, I want readers to know it’s okay to need support along the way. If this story offers even a small spark of courage or helps someone keep moving forward, then it’s done its job. If you’re looking for a book that reflects the complexity, resilience, and hope found in the foster care experience, I’d be honored for you to include it on your shelf.

To purchase a copy of this book, or any of the ones mentioned in this article, click HERE

Conversation Starters and Connection Builders
Perhaps one of the most powerful ways of using fiction to help you navigate the hard pieces of foster care is the shared reading experience. Instead of having to confront those hard things head on, you can indirectly discuss the issue via the characters and fictional situations without feeling too confrontational.

Fiction can spark meaningful conversations—without feeling confrontational.
Here are a few general questions that you can use to start these conversations. (Pro Tip, slide these questions into conversation casually, while in the car together or while doing dishes, rather than setting aside a specific time to discuss (which could feel stilted and awkward.)

Mirror Questions – When the book feels familiar

Did anything in the story remind you of something you've experienced?
If you were the main character, what would you have done differently?
What part of the story made you feel the most seen or understood?

Window Questions – When the story feels different

Was there anything in the book that surprised you or made you think differently?
What do you think it would be like to be in that character’s shoes?

Connection Questions – For shared reflection

Was there a moment when you wished someone had spoken up or stepped in?
Is there anything in this book that makes you feel more ready for something in real life?

** For more discussion questions and conversation starters, head HERE to download:

Stories Build Bridges
Before I bring this to a close, I want to quickly reinforce the idea that fiction opens doors to healing, trust, and conversation. Stories can build bridges where it feels like you are lost or there is no common ground. Books can help create a foundation when it feels like your world is crumbling.

I encourage you to make books featuring foster care available not only for the kids in your house, but for you as well. Read, ask questions, and keep showing up—one page at a time… because you matter. So go ahead—pick a book, crack it open, and read side by side. You never know where the story might take you.

Author Bio:
Amanda Zieba is the author of 14 feel-good-fiction books for readers of all ages. She is also the founder of Word Nerd Collaborative, a middle school ELA teacher membership and the creator of the YouTube channel: Learning with the Word Nerd. Amanda lives in Wisconsin with her husband and sons and can usually be found (typically with a novel or notebook in hand) watching them compete in some sort of sport. The plot twist is that even though she spends a huge amount of her life as a spectator, THEY are the biggest cheerleaders in her life. You can learn more about Amanda and connect with her at www.amandazieba.com and purchase her book Life in the Passenger Seat, here. (https://amandazieba.com/lips)

Life in the Passenger Seat by Amanda Zieba
https://amandazieba.com/lips
(target audience age: 12-18)

Life for Shelby Morris has been one giant road trip, but not the good kind. After a series of evictions, her free-spirited, classic-Mustang-driving mother Gina has decided to move them to Michigan to put her passion for cars to work at the Ford Factory.
Just when their aimless wandering finally has a direction, they run out of gas and cash to buy more. What looks like a dead end may be the jump start Shelby needs for a normal life. While they earn their keep cleaning motel rooms, Shelby gets to go to school and finally, her true heart’s desire, compete on a gymnastics team. But when her mother, who doesn’t like to be reminded that she is in fact a mom, takes off, things get complicated. Shelby turns to school for help and is placed in foster care with her coach and his wife.
In many ways, life has never been so good for Shelby. Coach feels like the father she never had, she’s making friends, and things in the gym are better than ever. For the first time in her life, Shelby’s greatest concern is where she’ll land in the line up. But everything could change if Gina comes back. Even when she’s not around, Gina’s in charge of the map, directing the route of Shelby’s life, pushing her to wonder, what would life feel like if she were in the driver’s seat. This twist on the underdog sports story will speed straight into the hearts of readers.
The book also includes nonfiction backmatter about Foster Care from Miami Dolphin and Foster Care Advocate, Alec Ingold as well as tips for bouncing back mentally from a physical injury by Vanderbilt University Sports Psychologist Julie Sutcliffe.

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Don't Take it Personal! The Hard Part of Being a Foster Parent.

3/10/2025

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There have been those times when some of the children living with my family have been disrespectful to me, have called me every name in the book, and have been downright mean spirited towards my wife and me. Does my blood pressure rise, as a result? Yes, sometimes it does, and at times it is difficult on all of us. To be sure, when a child calls you names, pushes your buttons, disobeys you, and treats you poorly, it is difficult not to take it personally. You may become angry; that’s normal.

Yet, as a foster parent, it is important for all of us to remember that the child is most likely not attacking you personally. Children in foster care are often scared, often afraid, often hurting, and often in emotional pain. For so many children, they simply do not know how to process the many feelings and emotions that engulf and enwrap them. They are unsure how to appropriately release these pent up feelings, emotions, and anxieties, and simply lash out instead. Lash out at you. Lash out at me. My friend, that’s okay. You and I are simply the recipient of the pain and trauma that they suffer from. It is important for us not to take it as a personal attack. So, how do we do that? How do we prevent this from leading to burn out?

First, we need to remember that it isn’t really about us. The child has been abused, neglected, abandoned. There is a reason why the child living in your home has been placed into foster care. He is hurting. It’s not about us. It’s about the child, and his pain. Even when he is yelling at you, “I hate you!” and slamming the door. His anger and emotion may be directed at you, but it’s not truly about you. Instead, his anger and pain comes from someplace else.

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When your buttons are being pushed, it is important to remember that you are the mature one, you are the adult, you are the parental figure. Resist yelling back, don’t give in to the temptation to respond in anger, no name calling from you. Try to not respond emotionally. Instead, focus on the child’s behavior and not his emotion. Respond to why he is feeling this way, not to the words he may be yelling at you.

I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent.

Get the Licensing and Training Hours/CEUs you Need! Become a Special Member of The Foster Care Institute-AMAZING Benefits!

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the best selling book The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents. Order your signed copy HERE.

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The Importance of Self Care for Foster Parents

2/21/2025

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The past few years have been tough on foster parents.

The result: foster parents are exhausted. You, me, all of us. We are exhausted, filled with our own anxiety and confusion. As we struggled with all of the confusion and chaos that resulted from the Coronavirus, foster parents are in jeopardy of burnout, of stress, of compassion fatigue, and even of ending their time as foster parents.

Yet, as I have said countless times at conferences, training sessions, webinars, and with journalists, if we, as foster parents, do not care for ourselves, we can not care for the children in our home.

Here are a few ways that we can and NEED to care for ourselves, or Foster Parent Self Care.

Exercise, Diet, and Sleep time
Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy. You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever. Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out. Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression. Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout. You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain. There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being. Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us. Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with. Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

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Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves. If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals. Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy. According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood. So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet. Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep. We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times. When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day. Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.

Remember to “Be in the Moment”
I imagine that you have the same experiences from time to time. You worry too much about the future. You grow concerned about what has not happened yet. You allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties. My friend, that’s normal, and it is easy to do . Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be. When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time. When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment. As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.

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Your Own Support Group
I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent. Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life. It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.

Alone time
When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. By taking the following stress reducing steps, you will help to ensure your well being, as you care for others in your home.

Quite simply, you need to make time for yourself. As a foster parent, this will be difficult, as you will be required to take care of a child full time. Along with this, you may also need to care for your own children, as well as your spouse. You may have a full time job that requires a great deal of your energy, plus there are those other commitments you have, such as church, volunteering, and other organizations you might be involved in. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the best selling book The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents. Order your signed copy HERE.

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Helping Troubled Teens in Foster Care

9/24/2024

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I recall just one of the many times that my family grew once again with a child in need. This time, it was a 17 year old boy; one who had suffered tremendous neglect and even abuse from his biological mother over the course of a number of years. Furthermore, he was homeless when he came to us, as his mother had abandoned him one year earlier.

Having a 17 year old young man join a family can be adventuresome, if you will.   At that time, we had 9 children and teens in the home, and each had to adjust to the latest family member. Has it always been easy? In one word, no. Yet, we found our way, and each day brought better understanding for all in the home.

Each stage of development can be difficult for a foster parent, but perhaps the teen years are the most challenging. This is an age where teenagers try to find their own identity, and is often a time where teens try to “cut the apron strings,” so to speak, in an attempt to gain self independence. If he has been in the foster care system for some time, he will have more than likely moved from placement to placement. Years of anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness, and broken trust will be difficult to break. You will have to have great patience with your foster teen, as he struggles with conflicting emotions as well as his role and place within your family.

Trust is one issue he will have a very difficult time with. Whether this is his first placement, coming directly from his birth parent’s house, or has had multiple placements, he may feel that the adults in his life have betrayed him. He has lost everything he knows and loves, and is now in a strange home with people who are not his parents. He will build up walls around himself, in an attempt to safe guard his feelings. You will likely have a hard time breaking through these walls, and trust will be difficult to establish, as he believes that he has no reason to place trust in you. Lies and mistruths are often common with foster teens, and you will have a difficult time knowing when he is sincere, and when he is misleading you.

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As a result of being removed from his home, he may have anger towards adults, and express that anger towards you. He may challenge your rules and expectations within your home, and argue with you about them, resenting the fact that he is being forced to live with people he does not know. Your foster teen may try to breaks as many of your rules, and make your life as miserable as possible, in the hope of you asking that he be removed from your home, believing that he will be returned to his biological family members. He may also seem highly withdrawn and depressed, and may not wish to be included in any of your family activities, along with any sort of social interaction. He may not appreciate all you do for him, and will seldom thank you for meeting his needs, providing for him, and showing him kindness and love. As he has been placed into your home against his will, he may runaway.

            As his body continues to change physically, he will become self absorbed. Hormonally, he will continue to develop, and his body will soon grow as he advances towards adulthood. Peer acceptance will be important to him, and he will seek to try and fit in with his fellow students. If he has moved often due to multiple placements, his school records may not be complete, and he may struggle in school. Learning disabilities may place him in a grade lower than other students in school, causing anxiety and embarrassment on his behalf. Behavior in school may also be challenging, as he lashes out in anger towards teachers and those in authority within the school.

            Perhaps the most important step you can take in helping your foster teen is building trust with him. This will take time, and you will have to have patience; do not expect him to come to your home trusting all you say and do. Give him space and allow him time to learn to trust you. Do not make promises to him that you are sure you are unable to keep. Once a promise is broken by you, it gives him further evidence that he cannot trust you. Talk to him on a personal level; find out what his interests are and encourage him to pursue those. Show interest in him, as well as in his biological family. Help him enroll in after school clubs and activities. Help him to research possible careers for him when he graduates from high school, and inform him that dropping out of high school will have severe negative consequences for him. Encourage him to express his feelings and emotions to you, as well as to a counselor, if necessary. He will need to learn that expressing his feelings is natural and healthy instead of keeping them inside.

            Establish rules and consequences for your household as soon as possible. Assign him chores and responsibilities in your house, allowing him to feel part of the family as well as give him a sense of importance and self worth. As he will want to establish a sense of identity and independence from you and your family, allow him to be a teenager; give him permission to try and fit in with the other students at his school with clothing styles, as long as they are appropriate. Set up a homework station for him at home, perhaps at the kitchen table, and create a time where he is to attend to his homework each night, perhaps when he gets home, or after dinner. Let him know that you will help him with his homework as much as you are able to do so. Do not allow him to have computer technology in his room, alone and unsupervised.

            No matter the age or ability of your foster child, he needs you. When you take a foster child into your home, you are making a commitment to “foster” that child. Remember, “foster” means to take care of, to help grow, and help develop another person. Your foster child may not express gratitude, return love, or show appreciation for what you are trying to do, but it is important to keep in mind that you are making a difference, a difference that could indeed last a life time.

-Dr. John

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Hashtags and Emojis-Hidden Languages and Hidden Dangers for your Children

8/2/2024

19 Comments

Hashtags and emojis are everywhere throughout social media. They are easy to use, they are fun, and they are cute.
Yet, there is a hidden danger that most parents and adults are not aware of.
For our children and today’s youth, it is a new form of communication. Like all forms of communication, it changes and evolves. What many parents fail to understand is that hashtags have also evolved from something fun and cute and may now be used for purposes that are not so friendly, and even on dangerous.

Some hashtags can be used to hide messages; messages that children do not want their parents or others to see. These might include drug references, messages of sex, and messages of self violence or even suicidal thoughts. Indeed, a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that hashtags about self injury an drugs usage among youth are becoming increasingly popular on social media. Some of these might include the following:

#tina: crystal meth
#cu46: “see you for sex”
#deb: depression
#sue: suicide
#ana: anorexic
#mia: “bulimia”
#svv: “selbstverletzendes verhalten” or self-harming behavior
Flower emojis: drugs
Green check emoji: asking for marijuana

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There are also those parents who use hashtags when referring to their children online. While this may be cute, it can also be dangerous. It quickly allows predators to locate a child, find them online, view their pictures, find their birthdates and personal information, stalk them, and even proceed to create a fake identity or account, simply by clicking on the chld’s name/hashtag. Hashtags that predators might use include just some of the following:

#BackToSchool,
#DaddysGirl
#BabyGirl
#bathtimefun
#cleanbaby
#pottytrain

Emojis can also be used to send harmful or threatening messages. For example, a simple picture, or an emoji, of a frog may mean that the person receiving the emoji is “ugly”. An emoji of scissors might send the message that “I am going to cut you.” An emoji of a man running followed by a bowling ball may mean “I am going to hit you.”

Both these hidden hashtags and emojis can also lead to cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is the platform in which the 21st century bully uses to inflict pain and humiliation upon another. Cyberbullying is the use of technology to embarrass, threaten, tease, harass, or even target another person. With the use of online technology and social networking sites, today’s bully can follow their targeted victim where ever the child may go. Whether the child is in school, at the park, at the movie theater, or at home, whenever that bullied child has a cell phone or access to online technology, he can be bullied. In essence, this form of bullying can be non-stop, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Hashtags and emojis are just the latest way to bully others.

In addition, hashtags can also be used in scams and also for compromising one's online privacy.
Hashtags and emojis are also used by sexual predators, who scour the internet through chat rooms and social network sites, looking for children who are technically more advanced than their parents. Building a relationship throughout a period of time, over the course of weeks and sometimes even months, child victims feel that they can trust their new “friend.” These victims characteristically have experienced abuse at some point in their lives, having a history of prior sexual abuse. Along with this, victims have low self esteem problems, and are emotionally troubled or depressed. Many of these victims are children, using hashtags and emjojis, to communicate with others. Sexual predators are waiting for these children to communicate with them.

Those hashtags and emojis your children are using; they may look cute. They may look innocent. Yet, what are your children really saying? What are they really communicating to others?

Is it a cry for help?

Is it a sign your child is in danger?

-Dr. John

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19 Comments

Helping Biological Children While Caring for Foster Children

7/1/2024

12 Comments

My biological children are a very important part of my foster parenting. Without them, my wife and I would not have been able to foster the forty plus children that have come through our home.   At one point, we had 11 children living in our home. As you can imagine, the house can become quite dirty quite quickly! The amount of laundry, dishes, and general cleaning can be overwhelming in a hurry. Along with that is the homework, soccer games, marching band practices, piano lessons, and other activities that children are involved with after school.

Furthermore, there are doctor’s appointments, therapy sessions, and visitations that come along with children in foster care. At the end of the day, my wife and I were often exhausted and worn out. If not for the help of our children, we might have been crushed by the load of work. Not only did the children help out with the laundry, dishes, and other house hold chores, they also helped with feeding our many younger foster children, reading them stories, and playing with them. Most importantly, though, my own biological and adoptive children have come to love their siblings from foster care, and treat them as part of our own family. It is this love that has been an instrumental part in how our foster children not only fit into our home and family, but has also been vital to helping the healing process that many of our foster children have sorely needed.   It is this type of help, and this type of love that has helped us continue to be a foster family, despite the difficult times and challenges we have faced over the years.

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When you decide to become a foster family, you not only need to prepare yourself, but prepare your children, as well. After all, their lives are going to change, too. Your children will not only be sharing their home, but they will be sharing you; their parents. This can be difficult for them to understand, and they will need your support more than ever.
Take some time to sit down with your children and remind them why you chose to be a foster parent.   If possible, give them a little training session of your own, and explain to them what it means to be a foster home, and a foster family. More importantly, explain to them what it will mean to be a foster sibling. Share with them, also, the information they need to know about your new foster child when he comes to your home. If they are too young to understand why a child might be in foster care, do not burden or confuse them with this information, they will simply not need more information or details. Your older children may be curious as to why the foster child is coming to live with them. Share with them what you know, and remind them that the foster child is probably hurting, frightened, and may reject your family in the first few days and weeks. Tell your children that it will take time to form a relationship with the foster child, their foster sibling.

Your own children may have concerns. Perhaps they are worried that they will have to share you with their new foster sibling. They may resent that there is a new person joining their family, sharing their toys, and sharing their parents. Ask them to share their feelings with you, and listen to what they have to say. Reassure your own children that you will always be there for them. You will also want to plan on setting aside some special time for just you and your own children, as they will need time alone with you during your fostering. Make sure you also set aside some special time for just you and your spouse. As a foster parent, you may become worn out and exhausted.   If you do not give attention to your own marriage and your spouse, but instead focus on being a parent to your children and your foster child, you may find your personal life suffering.

-Dr. John

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12 Comments

Anxieties and Children in Foster Care: What you NEED to Know

4/22/2024

15 Comments

Unconditional love is simply being loved without restrictions or stipulations. For a child in foster care who may have been abused, beaten, or neglected, this type of unconditional love is most important, yet probably unknown. Your love as a foster parent is quite essential to the child’s health, well being, and future. Without this type of love, a love that does not judge and is forgiving, a child will not form necessary and healthy attachment with others, resulting in a number of attachment disorders.

Children in foster care who suffer from these disorders will have great difficulty connecting with others, as well as managing their own emotions, not only during their childhood and time in foster care, but many times throughout the remainder of their lives. Emotional difficulties such as a lack of self worth, trust, and the need to be in control often result in the lack of unconditional and healthy parental love. As anyone who has worked with children in foster care will tell you, most of these children face an enormous amount of emotional issues, many times stemming from the lack of healthy love; the love of a parent figure.

Yet, love alone does not heal all wounds, and does not “fix” all things. Many of the children placed in our homes, as foster parents, will come to us with a variety of anxieties and disorders. According to a study by the National Conference of State Legislators, up to 80% of children in foster care have significant mental health issues. This is in comparison to about 20% of the general public.

Anxiety in children experiencing a disruption can manifest in a number of ways, perhaps none more frequently than separation anxiety, excessive concern over separation from home, family, and from those to whom they are most attached. Although children enter foster care through no fault of their own, they often suffer from mental health issues, some undiagnosed or caused by the initial separation from their first family.

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Many times, children placed into foster care suffer from mental health issues. A placement disruption may be so severe to the child that it feels as if their entire world is falling apart. For them, it is. Everything they know to be true in their world is now turned upside down. Their mother and father are no longer there to comfort them when they are troubled, or afraid. The family they lived with, grew up with, laughed with, and cried with is no longer there to take care of them. The bed they woke up in each morning is now different. Far too many children in foster care, the school they went to, the teachers they learned from, and the friends they had formed relationships with, have also been taken from them. Instead, these children now live with a strange family, wake each morning in a different house, sit in an unfamiliar classroom, and are no longer surrounded by those who love and know them best. Children in foster care often struggle to best deal with and survive these traumatic events, as they struggle to adjust to a new home and new family. To be sure, the losses in their life, along with the lack of a permanent home, oftentimes prevent these children from forming a secure and healthy attachment with a primary caregiver.

Issues from anxiety can manifest themselves in a number of ways. Perhaps the one that children in foster care face the most is separation anxiety, an excessive concern that children struggle with concerning the separation from their home, family, and to those they are attached to the most. Indeed, the more a child is moved, from home to home, from foster placement to another foster placement, or multiple displacements, the bigger the concern becomes. Those children who undergo many multiple displacements often create walls to separate themselves in an attempt to not let others into their lives. In attempting to do so, many children in foster care end up lying to their foster families, as they try to keep their new family at a distance, and at the same time, give the child a sense of personal control.

Other anxiety disorders include obsessive-compulsive disorder, where a child repeats unwanted thoughts, actions, and/or behavior out of a feeling of need. Panic disorders find a child experiencing intense bouts of fear for reasons that may not be apparent. These attacks may be sudden, and unexpected, as well as repetitive in their nature. Panic disorders also may coincide with strong physical symptoms, such as shortness of breath, dizziness, throbbing heart beats, or chest pains. Another anxiety disorder that foster children may face includes social phobias, or the fear of being embarrassed or facing the criticism of others. To be sure, as you care for children who have suffered from trauma in your household and with your family, it is likely that you will need to be able to help them as they struggle with some form of anxiety.

-Dr. John

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How To Help Your Own Children While Caring For Foster Children

8 Things to do When Saying Goodbye to Children in Foster Care

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Establishing and Building Trust with Teens in Foster Care

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Guest Blog-Why Fiction Belongs on Every Foster Family’s Bookshelf by Amanda Zieba

Don't Take it Personal! The Hard Part of Being a Foster Parent.

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The Importance of Self Care for Foster Parents

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Helping Troubled Teens in Foster Care

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Hashtags and Emojis-Hidden Languages and Hidden Dangers for your Children

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Helping Biological Children While Caring for Foster Children

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Anxieties and Children in Foster Care: What you NEED to Know

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