Foster Care Institute Dr. John DeGarmo

10 Reasons Why I am Thankful as a Foster Parent

5/12/2023

It seems that as I grow older, I become more and more appreciative and more grateful for all the blessings in my life. I imagine that is simply a progression of age, and simply shows that I am getting older.

It has long been a tradition in our home each evening, as we sit down at the table, for each of us to state what we have been thankful for during the day. From the youngest to the oldest, it is always interesting to hear what others might say. Sometimes, it can be sad, while other times, it can be amusing. Most often, it is inspiring. As you can imagine, our house if quite full with children, and with visitors, from across the globe, when my Australian born wife’s side of the family comes for a visit.
With that in mind, I wanted to share with you why I am grateful, in no particular order mind you, for being a foster parent.

1) I am thankful for the love in my home. When a child is placed into my home, they become family the very first day. To be sure, each placement is different, and there are those placements that are more difficult than others. Yet, my home is one that has been filled with more love than I could ever have imagined. And now, I have a "grandchild"originating from foster care, as I am now a grandfather to a child who used to live with us. How blessed am I!

2) The laughter is often contagious. Watching a child smile or even laugh for the first time after a life of abuse and neglect is heartwarming. I have had the privilege of watching a child who had suffered unimaginable abuse learn how to play and learn how to laugh while playing with the other children in my home. That laughter is often healing for all involved.

3) A community rallies together. Without a doubt, I could never be a foster parent without the support of others. As I have written countless times, not everyone can be a foster parent. Yet, everyone can help in some way. It has been a joy to watch the small community I live in come together to help our children in foster care.

4) Helping birth parents heal. As a foster parent, I sometimes need to remember that my children from foster child’s biological parents are people in need, and they deserve my kindness and sympathy, not my anger. By working with them, and by showing them kindness and compassion, I can not only help them, I can show their children an important lesson in love and humanity, and help them in their own walk towards healing.

5) There is never a dull day. I often joke with my fellow foster parents that I go to work to rest, as the needs and responsibilities of so many children in need can, at times, be a little exhausting. Yet, there has never been a dull moment or a boring day in my home. Quite the opposite, as each day is an adventure and holds new surprises. Some days, I just have to look at the mayhem around me and smile.

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6) A lesson in service. 20 years of foster parenting with 60 plus children coming through my home and each being an important part of my family. My oldest child is 25 years of age. You can quickly see that being a foster family is the norm for my own children. I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to teach my own children that we are here to help others, to serve others, and to put others before ourselves.

7) Forever Family. Three of the children that were placed into my home from foster care have become forever family members of ours through the gift of adoption. Without a doubt, adoption has made my family stronger.

8) Learning never stops. I love to learn new things, as I am a curious person, in general. As a foster parent, I find that I am constantly learning something new, on a daily basis. To be sure, this constant learning process continues to grow me as a parent, and as a person.

9) My own heart is full. Through the tears of grief and sorrow and the joys and laughter, I have found that my own heart is rather like the Grinch’s. Remember in the classic 1966 Christmas cartoon How the Grinch Stole Christmas, when his heart grew so large it burst out of the x-ray device? That is how my own heart is. I have experienced so many diverse and intense emotions through the years that my heart is flowing over with love for all.

10) The rewards are unending. Yes, foster parenting has been the most difficult “job” I have ever done, and the hardest thing I do. Yet, it is by far the most rewarding thing I have ever done, as well. Without a doubt, I am a far better person for each experience, and a far richer person for each child that has come to be a part of my life.

-Dr.John
Read Dr. John's inspirational best selling memoir Fostering Love: One Foster Parent's Journey. Get your signed copy HERE.

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Your Rights as a Foster Parent

3/7/2023

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As a foster parent, you do have rights — rights that can make your role as a foster parent a little easier. Before we examine what those might be, it is important to recognize just what rights are. According to the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, rights are defined as the “entitlements (not) to perform certain actions, or (not) to be in certain states; or entitlements that others (not) perform certain actions or (not) be in certain states. Rights dominate modern understandings of what actions are permissible and which institutions are just.” Foster parents can act in loco parentis, or “in the place of a parent,” and have legal responsibility over a child in regard to taking on some of the functions and duties of a parent.

The line between what foster parents can and cannot do can be cloudy or confusing at times. Several states have a Foster Parent Bill of Rights, and there are similarities across some of these. Most states do not have a bill of rights. Nevertheless, it is important and even essential that foster parents understand the rights they have, as it will better empower and prepare them to not only care for the children in their home and be an advocate for them, but also to protect themselves as a caregiver.

To begin with, there are universal rights that every foster parent has. Perhaps the first one is to be treated with dignity and respect as an important member of the professional welfare team for the child placed in your home. Foster parents also have the universal right to access proper training before becoming licensed foster parents, as well as access ongoing training. Along with this, foster parents also have the right to ongoing support from their agency during their foster parenting term. When a decision is made that affects the placement of a child in a home, foster parents also have the universal right of being informed in this regard. Foster parents also have the right to refuse to accept a certain child into their home without any form of reprisal for their decision.

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Financial reimbursement and per diem payment in a timely and adequate fashion is also a right of a foster parent, in accordance with the state and agency’s policies. When it comes to visitations between the child, his biological parents and members of his birth family, foster parents have the right to assist in planning these visitations. In addition, foster parents have the right to communicate with caseworkers, doctors, teachers, counselors, therapists and other professionals who are working with the child in some capacity. In regard to adoption, foster parents do have a right to priority consideration if and when a child in their home might be available for adoption.

The right does exist for foster parents to have full disclosure when a child joins their family. This full disclosure allows foster families to receive all information necessary in order to provide the appropriate care and supervision of the child within the home and family.
One right that can benefit others is the right of establishing a positive and healthy relationship, when possible, with the child’s birth parents and biological family members. There is also the right for foster parents to request help, resources and support when needed. Along with this, foster parents have the right to join a support group or association.

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Foster parents have the right to document all activity and behavior of the child in their home. In truth, documentation helps protect the foster family. In addition to this, foster parents also have the right to document the actions of anyone who is involved with the child while in the home. Throughout a child’s time with a foster parent’s family, the foster parent may want to create written records, a journal or some sort of documentation. This will help them keep an accurate account of the child's experience in their home. It is important that the foster parent’s writing is done in a manner that is observational, descriptive, non-biased and does not include opinions. If the foster parent wishes to document their own opinions and feelings, they might wish to start a personal journal.

Relative to biological parents, foster parents are more than twice as likely to be the subject of a child maltreatment investigation. Though most allegations of abuse and neglect by foster parents are found to be untrue or unsubstantiated, these allegations are made nonetheless. These false accusations may stem from a variety of reasons. Foster children who have come from environments of abuse and neglect may not recognize that their new home and environment is a safe and stable one. The abuse and neglect they felt may be all that they know, and they may simply make an allegation unknowingly or unwillingly due to past experiences. Other foster children, coming from the same type of environment, may make an allegation against a foster parent in the hope of leaving that home and returning to their biological family, or make an allegation as an attempt at distancing themselves emotionally from a foster parent, setting up an emotional barrier or wall between themselves and foster families. Some may make an accusation in an attempt at gaining revenge on either the foster family or the biological family.

When an allegation or accusation is made, foster parents have the right to a fair and timely investigation and adjudication process of the accusation against them. In addition, foster parents have the right to be heard in court. Along with this, foster parents also have the right to a forum to lodge their own complaints, if they so wish.

Yes, foster parenting is hard work. It may just be the hardest work you ever do. You will often find yourself mentally and physically exhausted, feeling drained. There is very little money available to help you, and you will not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on the child. You will probably feel overworked. Yet, the rewards of being a foster parent can be endless, with joys each day. When you are aware of the rights you have as a foster parent, it may help to make this lifestyle perhaps just a little less stressful.

-Dr. John

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Parenting Children with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD)

1/9/2023

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I have had so many babies, infants, and children come join my family who have suffered from Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders, otherwise known as FASD. In fact, some have joined my family permanently, through adoption. I am sure you have probably come across children with FASD at some point in your life, as well.

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders are a collection of conditions resulting from a woman consuming alcohol while pregnant. The alcohol consumed by mother passes through her through the umbilical cord, and thus into the baby in the mother’s womb. It is as if the baby itself is drinking alcohol. FASD effects can include a number of challenges, both physically, and with behavior and learning. In truth, children born with FASD often have a combination of both.

There are a variety of symptoms in regards to Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders. They include a shorter than average height, low body weight, and smaller head size. Babies often have abnormal facial features, including a smooth ridge between the upper lip and the nose. Children with FASD also have great difficult in school, most often with reading and math, due to poor memory ability, learning disabilities, speech and language delays, simple difficulty with attention. Additional symptoms include poor powers of judgement and reasoning, problems with hearing and vision, and even heart and kidney complications, as well.

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There are four main types of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders. Perhaps the one most people are familiar with is Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, or FAS. Children with FAS often have complications with growth and facial feature abnormalities. They also have troubles, difficult with attention span, communication, learning, and memory, and more than likely will struggle in school in some fashion. Another form of FASD is Alcohol-Related Birth Defects, or ARBD. Those born with ARBD have health related issues with hearing, heart, kidney, or even with bone. Children diagnosed with Alcohol-Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder, or ARND, have learning and intellectual disabilities, and struggle in school. Finally, Neurobehavioral Disorder Associated with Prenatal Alcohol Exposure, or ND-PAE, is a disorder where children struggle with behavior problems, mood swings, and attention, as well as have trouble with basic living skills. Children diagnosed with ND-PAE also have thinking and memory difficulties, too.

Tragically, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder is a condition that the child in your home will not grow out of once he reaches adulthood. Indeed, FASD is a lifelong condition. Fortunately, there are a number of ways FASD can be successfully treated. Early diagnosis is vital and essential in order to best help and treat one who suffers from FASD. There are several types of medication and medical care for those with FASD. Additionally, you as a foster parent can help the child in your home who suffers from FASD by seeking out special educational programs that are designed to meet the needs of the child. As we have read, children with FASD struggle with a combination of learning challenges. He needs you to help him survive and succeed in school with these special educational programs. Do some research on your own, or reach out to your school system or local social service programs. Finally, a consistent, loving, nurturing and stable house and family will truly help the child.

-Dr. John

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Foster Care-Reformed, and Always Reforming.

12/5/2022

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I heard that phrase the other day. To be sure, it was a phrase that I took some time to reflect upon recently, in so many areas of my life. As a parent, as a husband, as a member of the community, and in foster care.

Yes, foster care needs reform.

It always has, and it always will. As the world continues to change, foster care will need to change with it.

I often tell foster parents that I work with that there are 50 different states in the United States, and each state does foster care a little bit differently. Each state has its own specific policies and procedures, rules and regulations. This means 50 different ways of doing foster care. In addition, each agency within each state may also have its own individual agency policies and procedures. As a result, there are so many different ways of doing foster care in the United States, and no one agency or no one state does it perfectly. To be sure, some states and some agencies do it better than others, yet each can be improved in some fashion.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons that celebrity actress and foster/adoptive mother Jen Lilley were in Washington D.C., in the midst of Covid, meeting with legislators on both sides of the political aisle, in an attempt to bring reform to foster care. In truth, reform needs to happen in many areas in foster care.

In regards to rules and policies, the past two years saw many of the rules "go out the window", so to speak in regards to all things foster care. Covid has changed the rules in so many areas of our lives, and in society. So many of these changes were ones we may never have expected, never have anticipated 10 years ago, 5 years ago, or even 1 year ago. Changes no one of foresaw, or even imagined.

During this time, I heard over and over again from foster parents across the nation that they are in desperate need of help. Foster parents are often saying to me, “I have to take care of my own job. Yet, I now have to also be the teacher to the child placed in my home, and I’m not a teacher. I also have to be their professional therapist, and I’m not trained in this area. What do I do?” For so many children in foster care, they are not getting their professional counseling sessions, they’re not getting their drug counseling, they’re not getting visitations with their own birth parents in a face to face meetings, meetings that are detrimental not only to the reunification process, but to that of issues of attachment, trust, the family unit, and sometimes of mental health.

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The anxiety levels of so many children in care right now is off the charts, for so many reasons since Covid, and foster parents are struggling with that. Indeed, the anxieties from their own personal trauma may be so severe to the child that it feels as if their entire world is falling apart. Covid only exasperated this, and triggered deeper issues of anxiety, as well. Issues from anxiety can manifest themselves in a number of ways. Professional therapy and counseling is essential for the well-being of the child.

Foster parents feel like they are not getting support right now. Foster parents also feel like they are not getting the resources right now, either. And right now, caseworkers are scrambling to try to figure out how to get the foster parents the support that they need. There is the growing concern that we are going to see foster parents quit because they are so filled with anxiety they are facing and feeling.

Foster families always rely on community support, but they need it more than ever now. Foster parents need a number of training hours and CEUs each year, in order to remain licensed as a foster care home, with each state setting the number of hours required each year. During the past few years with Covid, foster parents have found it increasingly difficult in regards to attaining their required training hours. Foster parents also need more online support services, including online orientations, social media support groups, and more virtual training opportunities.

Today’s caseworkers feel overworked, overwhelmed, under-resourced, and they certainly are underpaid. Like so many others, caseworkers are now working from home, and are unable to visit their foster parents, and many times not be able to provide the assistance and resources they need, including face to face interactions that may be necessary on occasion. Agencies need to ensure that their caseworkers are safe and not at risk. In addition, our caseworkers need to be given more time, more funding, more resources, and more understanding from the public, from the courts, and from foster parents..

As the challenges the past two years have led to many agencies being understaffed, there have been delays in new foster parents being trained and licensed, birth parents have met difficulties in attaining the requirements for reunification, and the adoption process for those children who are unable to be reunified has slowed, as well. In the end, many times these policies and regulations foster families, case workers, and children in care from living as “normal” a lifestyle, leading to frustration on many levels. There needs to be less paperwork, less “red tape” and more action on behalf of the child.

Reformed and always reforming. Let us all embrace this philosophy as a wonderful challenge to make the foster care system a better one for all, now and in the future.

-Dr. John

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Why Christmas and the Holidays are Difficult for Children in Foster Care....and how YOU can Help.

11/28/2022

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You know the familiar phrase. ’Tis the season to be jolly.   Not for the roughly half a million children in foster care in the United States.   It is often a time of great sadness and despair., a time of loneliness and of rejection. For these children, it is a reminder of so much anxiety and trauma in their young lives. Many foster children are faced with the realization that they will not be “home for the holidays,” so to speak, with their biological family members.   It is a reminder that they are separated from their parents and family.

I have a question for you. Do you remember waking up as a child on Christmas morning?   If you were like me, you couldn’t wait to get your parents up, and dash into the room where your Christmas tree was.   Wrapping paper flying, screams of joy and surprise, great food, family surrounding you; it was truly a magical day. I imagine you have fond memories of it. I also imagine that you probably carry on some of the traditions you grew up with, and share them with your own children, or even your grandchildren. For most of us, Christmas is a time of family, a time of joy, and a reminder of God’s love for each of us. It is also a time where we hope and pray for peace on Earth, good will to all men.

For children in foster care, though, it is a very different experience. When they wake up Christmas morning, and are surrounded by people who just may be strangers to them, strangers who are laughing and having fun, it can be a very difficult time for them, indeed. To be sure, it is a day that is a stark reminder to these children that they are not with their own family. It is during the holidays when families are supposed to be together, yet these children in care are not. They are not with their families, and they may not know when they will see them next.

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More than likely, a child placed in foster care will have feelings of sadness and grief, as he is separated from his own family during this time of family celebration.   After all, he is separated from his family during a time that is supposed to be centered AROUND family. Quite simply, they want to go home, to live with their family members, despite the abuse and trauma they may have suffered from them, and despite all that you can and do offer and provide for him. Therefore, this time of holiday joy is especially difficult.

I witnessed something like this recently. We had a child in our home, Andrew, who had come from a house of horrors, along with his two other siblings. His mother was a meth addict, his father was never in the picture, and his house had no electricity, no food, no water, no plumbing, no heat, nor no air Andrew was often full of rage, and was openly defiant at times, while at other times was considerate and well mannered.

Four months after his arrival into our home, Christmas rolled over on the calendar. As we do for everybody in our house, we celebrated this Christmas in a large way. First, my wife and I woke all of the children in our home singing “Merry Christmas”. I was a little surprised when his older brother and sister told me that they didn’t know the words to a classic and familiar Christmas song. Later that morning, when a present with his name was placed in front of him, wrapped in colorful and festive wrapping paper, our foster son simply stared down at it, then to us, and then back to the present. “What is it?” he asked. With smiles on their faces, and laughter in their voices, our own children then encouraged him to open it up. Looking down at it with a confused look, Andrew simply said, “I don’t know how.”

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He didn’t know how. An eleven year old boy did not know how to open a present. Can you imagine? He had never had a present to open before. Not on Christmas, not on his birthday, not on a holiday. No one to tell him how special he was on the day he was born, and how much he mattered on the day that was supposed to be celebrated in his honor.

So, how can you help this difficult time be more joyous? To begin with, foster parents can best help their foster child by spending some time and talking about the holiday. Let the child know how your family celebrates the holiday, what traditions your family celebrate, and include the child in it. Ask your child from foster care about some of the traditions that his family had, and try to include some of them into your own home during the holiday. This will help him not only feel more comfortable in your own home during this time, but also remind him that he is important, and that his birth family is important, as well. It is important to keep in mind that many foster children may come from a home where they did not celebrate a particular season, nor have any traditions in their own home. What might be common in your own home may be completely new and even strange to your foster child. This often includes religious meanings for the holiday you celebrate. Again, take time to discuss the meaning about your beliefs to your foster child beforehand.

You can help him by allowing him to talk about his feelings during the holidays. Ask him how he is doing, and recognize that he may not be happy, nor enjoy this special time. Look for signs of depression, sadness, and other emotions related to these. Allow him space to privately grieve, if he needs to, and be prepared if he reverts back to some behavior difficulties he had when he first arrived into your home. After all, he is trying to cope with not being with his own family during this time when families get together. These feelings and these actions are normal, and should be expected. You can also help your foster child by sending some cards and/or small gifts and presents to their own parents and birth family members. A card or small gift to his family members can provide hope and healing for both child and parent, and help spread some of the holiday cheer that is supposed to be shared with all.

This IS the season of giving, and we are all called to give unto others. With a little preparation beforehand from you, this season of joy can be a wonderful time for your child from foster care, one that may last in his memory for a life time, as well as in your memory, too. After all, the gift of love is one that can be shared, not only during the holidays, but all year long, with the child, with the family, and with all we meet. May you experience this joy and may you share it with other
-Dr. John

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How Routine Can Help Bring Healing to Children in Foster Care

11/2/2022

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A few years back, we had a teenager placed into our home that lied about his mother on a daily basis. According to him, she had a great paying job as a manager of a major restaurant chain, had never been in trouble with the law, was a loving parent, and the greatest mother of all time. If you were to listen to him, his mother was a pillar of the community. In reality, she had been in jail, and had been there numerous times. She neglected her children, was addicted to Meth, and was both jobless and homeless. Yet, despite our knowledge of the truth, we did not criticize him for lying, nor criticize his mother. We simply reminded him the importance of telling the truth, at all times, and reassured him that his mother was an important person. If your foster child wants to, allow him to speak about his family. He may wish to brag about them to you. He might even lie about them, hoping to impress you and your family.

At the same time, he may not wish to acknowledge the truth about his family, if it is in a negative fashion. Do not judge or criticize his biological parents, as this will only seek to create distance between yourself and your child, as he struggles with loyalty issues between you and his biological parents. No matter how long he has been with you and formed a deep relationship with, and no matter how much abuse he may have received from his own biological family, he will still love them, and wish to defend them. After all, they are his family. Instead, listen with an open ear and open heart, allowing him to see this, as it will encourage trust in you. Encourage him to put up pictures of his biological parents, birth family members, previous foster parents, and other important people in his life. Let him know that you understand how important these people are in his life.

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All families have some sort of routine and patterns of behavior that exist within their home. If your family is like my own, your own family has a routine that you follow on a daily or regular basis. This type of routine is important to the well being of your family, and to the functioning of your household. Depending upon the type of household your child from foster care came from, he may not be familiar with your day to day routine. Indeed, he may come from a home that had no set routine or schedule. Many of my own children from foster care have come from such a household. Even more, the child may have lived in a home where there were no expectations of him, and no rules for him to follow. It is important that you include your foster child into your family, and into your routine. When you do, you will help to give him a sense of belonging, of importance, and of accomplishment.

When including him into your routine, start off slow. If you give him too much to do, it can quickly become overwhelming to him, and even turn him off to your family. Indeed, it is important that you are patient with him, and allow him time to adjust to the fact that he is not with his biological family. Before expecting too much from him, give him some time alone to become comfortable with his new home, family, and surroundings. It also helps to build expectations, creates a calmer home, and teaches and healthy habits.

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Allow him time to observe your family's routine before expecting him to actively participate. In other words, just let him watch you and your family operate together, as a family unit. Some of your routines might be informal, such as dinner time habits, shoes in the house, respect for others when speaking, etc. If he has questions about your family's routine, and he likely will, answer them honestly, and at a level he can understand. Let him know why you do such activities in your house, and why his involvement is important to the well being of your entire family. All the while, it is necessary that you praise him along the way, offering him words of encouragement and gratitude from you. Remember, he may never have had any words of praise or thanks from his previous home, or from his biological family members. The words "Thank you so very much" and "You have really done a great job" can be both uplifting and encouraging to a child in foster care, and may help him on his road to healing.

-Dr. John

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Having the Right Questions When a Foster Child Arrives

9/7/2022

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I love questions!

I love to find out as much about a topic I am involved in or interested in, and I am not afraid to ask questions about the topic until my knowledge is satisfied, and I feel better informed.

When I first met my wife, we were sitting together ready to perform for the late Rosa Parks at an event. She was the dancer, and I was the singer. We were traveling with the international super group Up With People, and it was one of our earliest performances. Her Australian accent really caught my attention, and her warm smile and personality had me hooked. I asked her question after question after question, just trying to get to know her more. After all, the more questions I asked, the more I discovered about her. Little did the both of us know that years later we would become married and care for over 50 children in our home and in our family as foster parents. Those questions sure did lay some of that groundwork!

That’s how it often is as a foster parent. You have questions as you await the arrival of a new child into your home. This can be a time of excitement, as well as anxiety. The phone call from a caseworker asking if you would like a foster child placed in your home can leave you in a state of apprehension. It is often a time of questions, from you and your family, as well as from the foster child. For the child coming into your home, it is especially an intimidating period. Remember, this new foster child is being moved, against his/her wishes, to a strange home and to an unknown family.

Perhaps the most important thing you can do to prepare for the arrival of a foster child is to educate yourself with as much background information and history as you can about the child. Ask those questions! Do not be concerned if you have a large number of questions for your caseworker when you are first approached about of a placement of a child in your house. While the caseworker may not have all the answers, you will find valuable information by asking. Some questions from the book The Foster Parenting Manual you might wish to consider include:

                -How old is the child?
                -Why is the child in care?
                -How long might the child stay with you?
                -Will the child need day care supervision?
                -Does the child have any learning disabilities or special needs of any kind?
                -Does the child have any anger management or extreme emotional issues that you need to be aware of?
                -Is this the first time the child has been in foster care?
                -Is the child’s medical shots up to date? Are there any medical concerns?
                -Is the child from the same town? Does the child need to be enrolled in your local school system?
                -Does the child have clothes? Will you need to buy diapers and baby wipes?

Once you have some of those answers, you can begin to better prepare for the arrival of the newest child to your family. Yet, there are other things you can do to help create that warm, loving, safe environment that the child needs to have when coming to your home.

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Although it is impossible to predict how he will react when he first meets you, it is important that you approach this time with caution and care. That first moment is so very important. When the caseworker pulls into your driveway, go out to the car and welcome the caseworker and child, introducing yourself immediately, with a warm smile and soft voice. Inform your foster child who you are and the role you will now play in his life. He may very well not understand the foster care system, or what foster parents do.

Do not insist that your new child call you mom or dad. Allow your foster child to call you by your first names, if you feel comfortable with this, or by whatever name he feels comfortable in calling you. As the child may be scared, do not insist that he react to you right away. This is a time of extreme difficulty, and your foster child may be in a state of shock.

As you help him inside with his possessions, take him by the hand, if he is a little one, or place a soft hand upon his shoulder, if he is a teenager. Actions like these can be reassuring that all will be okay, that he is in a safe and caring home.

Do not insist upon hugging, as he may be too embarrassed or hurt to do so.
Show him where he will sleep, and where his clothes will be kept. Have a nightlight already on in the room, if the room is dark. Ask if he is hungry, and offer him some food. If he doesn’t want any food, do not insist upon it. He will eat when he is ready and hungry.

To be sure, I was a little nervous when I first met my soon to be wife for the first time, as I was really attracted to her. I was also a little nervous the first time a child from foster care arrived in my home. Now, can you imagine how nervous, scared, anxious, and terrified that child is when he comes to your home? Most likely, he is feeling all of this and more. The better prepared you are for him, the more welcome he will feel.

-Dr. John

For more, purchase Dr. DeGarmo’s training book The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home. Get your signed copy HERE.

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Helping Troubled Teens in Foster Care

8/22/2022

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A few years back, my family grew once again with a child in need. This time, it was a 17 year old boy; one who had suffered tremendous neglect and even abuse from his biological mother over the course of a number of years. Furthermore, he was homeless when he came to us, as his mother had abandoned him one year earlier.

Oh, yes! You can imagine that it has been....shall we say....a little challenging? Having a 17 year old young man join a family can be adventuresome, if you will.   At that time, we had 9 children in our home, and each is adjusting to the latest family member. Was it always easy? In one word, no. Yet, we were, and still are, finding our way, and each day brings better understanding for all in the home.

Each stage of development can be difficult for a foster parent, but perhaps the teen years are the most challenging. This is an age where teenagers try to find their own identity, and is often a time where teens try to “cut the apron strings,” so to speak, in an attempt to gain self independence. If he has been in the foster care system for some time, he will have more than likely moved from placement to placement. Years of anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness, and broken trust will be difficult to break. You will have to have great patience with your teen from foster care, as he struggles with conflicting emotions as well as his role and place within your family.

Trust is one issue he will have a very difficult time with. Whether this is his first placement, coming directly from his birth parent’s house, or has had multiple placements, he may feel that the adults in his life have betrayed him. He has lost everything he knows and loves, and is now in a strange home with people who are not his parents. He will build up walls around himself, in an attempt to safe guard his feelings. You will likely have a hard time breaking through these walls, and trust will be difficult to establish, as he believes that he has no reason to place trust in you. Lies and mistruths are often common with teens in foster care, and you will have a difficult time knowing when he is sincere, and when he is misleading you.

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As a result of being removed from his home, he may have anger towards adults, and express that anger towards you. He may challenge your rules and expectations within your home, and argue with you about them, resenting the fact that he is being forced to live with people he does not know. Your teen from foster care may try to breaks as many of your rules, and make your life as miserable as possible, in the hope of you asking that he be removed from your home, believing that he will be returned to his biological family members. He may also seem highly withdrawn and depressed, and may not wish to be included in any of your family activities, along with any sort of social interaction. He may not appreciate all you do for him, and will seldom thank you for meeting his needs, providing for him, and showing him kindness and love. As he has been placed into your home against his will, he may runaway.

            As his body continues to change physically, he will become self absorbed. Hormonally, he will continue to develop, and his body will soon grow as he advances towards adulthood. Peer acceptance will be important to him, and he will seek to try and fit in with his fellow students. If he has moved often due to multiple placements, his school records may not be complete, and he may struggle in school. Learning disabilities may place him in a grade lower than other students in school, causing anxiety and embarrassment on his behalf. Behavior in school may also be challenging, as he lashes out in anger towards teachers and those in authority within the school.

            Perhaps the most important step you can take in helping your teen from foster care is building trust with him. This will take time, and you will have to have patience; do not expect him to come to your home trusting all you say and do. Give him space and allow him time to learn to trust you. Do not make promises to him that you are sure you are unable to keep. Once a promise is broken by you, it gives him further evidence that he cannot trust you. Talk to him on a personal level; find out what his interests are and encourage him to pursue those. Show interest in him, as well as in his biological family. Help him enroll in after school clubs and activities. Help him to research possible careers for him when he graduates from high school, and inform him that dropping out of high school will have severe negative consequences for him. Encourage him to express his feelings and emotions to you, as well as to a counselor, if necessary. He will need to learn that expressing his feelings is natural and healthy instead of keeping them inside.

            Establish rules and consequences for your household as soon as possible. Assign him chores and responsibilities in your house, allowing him to feel part of the family as well as give him a sense of importance and self worth. As he will want to establish a sense of identity and independence from you and your family, allow him to be a teenager; give him permission to try and fit in with the other students at his school with clothing styles, as long as they are appropriate. Set up a homework station for him at home, perhaps at the kitchen table, and create a time where he is to attend to his homework each night, perhaps when he gets home, or after dinner. Let him know that you will help him with his homework as much as you are able to do so. Do not allow him to have computer technology in his room, alone and unsupervised.

            No matter the age or ability of your teen from foster care, he needs you. When you take a foster child into your home, you are making a commitment to “foster” that child. Remember, “foster” means to take care of, to help grow, and help develop another person. Your foster child may not express gratitude, return love, or show appreciation for what you are trying to do, but it is important to keep in mind that you are making a difference, a difference that could indeed last a life time.

-Dr. John

For much more, get your signed copy of The Foster Parenting Manual. Order it HERE.

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The Reason Children in Foster Care are Failing in School

8/1/2022

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When I first began teaching, and before I was a foster parent, I knew very little about foster care, or about foster children. To be sure, what I thought I knew about children in foster care, and about the foster care system, was as far from the truth as possible. Like most of the general public, I had false ideas and beliefs about foster children, and much of it was negative, I am afraid to say. This was due mainly to the false stereotypes that abound in society. As a result, I was not prepared to meet the many needs that the students from foster homes so desperately needed while in my classroom. Even further, in all my years of college, and of additional instructional workshops, I did not have the training required to best help foster children as they struggled in my classroom, and neither did my colleagues.

After a few children from foster care had passed through my own home, I began to appreciate the fact that I had to not only adjust my teaching habits for children in crisis, but I also had to become my own children’s advocate at their own schools. I watched my foster children struggle in my fellow teacher’s classrooms, and also was witness to these same teachers as they failed to understand the various emotional challenges the children in my home were going through on a daily basis. To be sure, there were those times when I had to politely intervene on behalf of my foster child. There were also those times when I had to sit across the table from a fellow teacher as we discussed how my foster child’s behavior was interfering in the classroom setting. My desire to better assist both my colleagues and foster children led to my doctoral studies on the subject. I simply wanted to help children in foster care succeed in school, as well as bring awareness about their struggles to our schools.

Children in foster care, in general, tend to perform below level in regard to both academic performance and in positive behavior than those students who come from either traditional homes as well as children from economically disadvantaged homes. The majority of children under foster care supervision experience problems in behavior while enrolled in public schools. Those foster children who were taken from homes due to neglect repeatedly suffer from a number of developmental delays. These include poor language and vocabulary development, thus impairing communication skills.

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For many children in foster care, our schools are the last place they want to be. For that foster child who has been taken from his family, from his home, from his friends, and all he knows, and suddenly placed into a strange home late one evening, only to be forced to attend a strange school the following day, it is incredibly traumatic. Foster children often have a difficult time with exhibiting proper school behavior during the school day. For many of the children, school is a constant reminder that they are, indeed, foster children without a true home. The continuous reminder that their peers are living with biological family members while they are not is a difficult reality for them, and can be manifested in several ways. Some foster children simply withdraw and become anti-social, in an attempt to escape their current environment and world they have been thrust into. For many foster children, violent behavior becomes the norm, as they not only act out in a negative and disruptive fashion in the school, but in their foster home, too, prompting yet another move to another foster home and another school (see the book Helping Foster Children in School: A Guide for Foster Parents, Social Workers, and Teachers, (DeGarmo, Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2015).

Since children in foster care are often behind academically, as well as struggle with the fact that they are coming from outside school districts with different expectations, teachers in your child’s school need to be conscious of this fact. Foster children struggle with many personal and emotional issues while in the foster home, and homework is often not the main objective while in the home each evening. Instead, the emotional issues your child faces may take center stage on a particular evening. Teachers need to assign homework with this in mind, being sensitive to their issues. Let your child’s teacher know this, and ask that they cooperate with you on this. Meet with the teachers, the school counselor, and perhaps even an administrator of the school when you enroll your foster child, and explain these concerns to them. Like I was beforehand, it is highly likely that they have not had much experience with foster children, nor the challenges they face.

As a foster parent, you will need to reach out to the teachers, and ask for as much information and updates as possible. It is essential to your child’s success in school that you become actively involved and interested in your child’s school life. Look for ways to volunteer in the school. Encourage your foster child to become active in after school activities. Take an interest in your child’s school work, and make sure it is done to the best of his ability each evening. Help your child study, and praise him when he does well. If you have a young foster child in the early years of school, read to him each evening, or listen to him read to you. Help him with his spelling and writing skills. Quite simply, be your foster child’s advocate with his teachers, and in his school. Without your help, your child from foster care is not going to find success, in any fashion.

As I write this, school is about to begin in my area. I have already met with the teachers of the children currently living in my home. Fortunately, these teachers have already taught many of the children from foster care who my wife and I have been blessed to have in our home over the years, and these teachers and I have been able to build a healthy working partnership, through both good times and bad. It is only with the combined effort of you, your child’s teachers, and your caseworker, that your foster child has a chance for success in school. You need to lead this charge. You need to be your child’s advocate. Your child is counting on you. Will you let her down?

-Dr. John
The Foster Care Institute

Order your personally signed copy of Helping Foster Children in School: A Guide for Foster Parents, Social Workers, and Teachers. Order HERE.

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How Being a Foster Parent Changed Me as a Person.

7/26/2022

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“How has your life changed while being a foster parent?”

It was a question I had been asked a great deal of late. Recently, I had been doing the rounds of radio and TV interviews while promoting my book,The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families.

Like most people, many of the radio and TV
hosts had very little knowledge of what being a foster parent is really about. I would imagine many of your own friends and family members don’t really understand what you do, either.   Additionally, they likely do not understand how your life has changed.

                I have said it many times, in many places; foster parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. It IS hard work. At the same time, it is also Heart Work. It is the most important job I have done, as well. I have been able to watch the lives of over 60 children change while living in my home.

                Yet, my life has changed, also, in so many ways, in so many areas. Of the 60 plus children that has come to my home, come to live with my family, each has made me a better person and has made an impact on my life in some way.

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                I have learned to love deeper, more openly, and without abandon. I have learned to love each child that comes into my home in an unconditional manner, and without reservations. I am no longer ashamed to tell people that I love them. I cry openly now, and am no longer embarrassed when it happens. The saying that “real men don’t cry” is rubbish to me. I have become an emotional cripple in that manner, yet in a healthy way. In a way that I embrace.

                Foster parenting has created a sense of urgency within me to make a difference in the lives of those in need. Perhaps it is due to the children’s horror stories that I have been witness to, and have watched come through my home.   I now am able to see the pain and suffering in others, and am better equipped to help them. To be sure, I have always been one that has wanted to help others, but since I have become a foster parent to children who have suffered from abuse, from neglect, and from being abandoned, all by those who profess to love them the most-their birth family members, I have felt compelled to help even more.

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    I have learned to forgive more. Love and forgiveness are two actions that are intertwined, and cannot be separated. If we truly love others, then we need to forgive, as well. Without forgiveness, there is no love. When I was angry towards our foster teen’s mother, I was in no way sharing love. Instead, my stomach was in knots, and I was one tense parent. I was shackled by my own inability to forgive someone, a prisoner to a debilitating emotion. Yet, when I did forgive her, it felt like a weight was taken off my own shoulders. One of the amazing things about the act of forgiving others is that it allows us better use our energies towards something that is more constructive, more positive. Forgiveness frees us from the forces of hate and evil, and instead allows us to draw closer to others, and gives us more strength to do the work we are called to do. When we forgive the actions of our foster child’s birth parents, not only are we showing love to them, and empowering ourselves, we are also honoring our foster children.

  Foster parenting has transformed me into becoming a better parent to my own children, husband to my wife, and citizen to my community and the world. For each child that has come through my home, I give thanks. For each child that has allowed my family to grow, you will always be part of my family. For each child that spent time in the foster care system while living with my family, I shall always love you.

    To my fellow foster parents, thank you for what you do. Thank you for making sacrifices in your own life to care for those in need. Thank you for loving children without abandon, and as family. Thank you for changing the lives of those in need. May your own lives be changed, as well.

-Dr. John

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The Reason Children in Foster Care are Failing in School

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