Foster Care Institute Dr. John DeGarmo

Don't Take it Personal! The Hard Part of Being a Foster Parent.

3/10/2025

There have been those times when some of the children living with my family have been disrespectful to me, have called me every name in the book, and have been downright mean spirited towards my wife and me. Does my blood pressure rise, as a result? Yes, sometimes it does, and at times it is difficult on all of us. To be sure, when a child calls you names, pushes your buttons, disobeys you, and treats you poorly, it is difficult not to take it personally. You may become angry; that’s normal.

Yet, as a foster parent, it is important for all of us to remember that the child is most likely not attacking you personally. Children in foster care are often scared, often afraid, often hurting, and often in emotional pain. For so many children, they simply do not know how to process the many feelings and emotions that engulf and enwrap them. They are unsure how to appropriately release these pent up feelings, emotions, and anxieties, and simply lash out instead. Lash out at you. Lash out at me. My friend, that’s okay. You and I are simply the recipient of the pain and trauma that they suffer from. It is important for us not to take it as a personal attack. So, how do we do that? How do we prevent this from leading to burn out?

First, we need to remember that it isn’t really about us. The child has been abused, neglected, abandoned. There is a reason why the child living in your home has been placed into foster care. He is hurting. It’s not about us. It’s about the child, and his pain. Even when he is yelling at you, “I hate you!” and slamming the door. His anger and emotion may be directed at you, but it’s not truly about you. Instead, his anger and pain comes from someplace else.

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When your buttons are being pushed, it is important to remember that you are the mature one, you are the adult, you are the parental figure. Resist yelling back, don’t give in to the temptation to respond in anger, no name calling from you. Try to not respond emotionally. Instead, focus on the child’s behavior and not his emotion. Respond to why he is feeling this way, not to the words he may be yelling at you.

I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent.

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I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.

-Dr. John

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The Importance of Self Care for Foster Parents

2/21/2025

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The past few years have been tough on foster parents.

The result: foster parents are exhausted. You, me, all of us. We are exhausted, filled with our own anxiety and confusion. As we struggled with all of the confusion and chaos that resulted from the Coronavirus, foster parents are in jeopardy of burnout, of stress, of compassion fatigue, and even of ending their time as foster parents.

Yet, as I have said countless times at conferences, training sessions, webinars, and with journalists, if we, as foster parents, do not care for ourselves, we can not care for the children in our home.

Here are a few ways that we can and NEED to care for ourselves, or Foster Parent Self Care.

Exercise, Diet, and Sleep time
Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy. You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever. Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out. Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression. Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout. You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain. There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being. Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us. Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with. Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

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Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves. If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals. Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy. According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood. So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet. Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep. We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times. When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day. Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.

Remember to “Be in the Moment”
I imagine that you have the same experiences from time to time. You worry too much about the future. You grow concerned about what has not happened yet. You allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties. My friend, that’s normal, and it is easy to do . Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be. When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time. When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment. As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.

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Your Own Support Group
I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent. Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life. It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.

Alone time
When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. By taking the following stress reducing steps, you will help to ensure your well being, as you care for others in your home.

Quite simply, you need to make time for yourself. As a foster parent, this will be difficult, as you will be required to take care of a child full time. Along with this, you may also need to care for your own children, as well as your spouse. You may have a full time job that requires a great deal of your energy, plus there are those other commitments you have, such as church, volunteering, and other organizations you might be involved in. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy.

-Dr. John

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Helping Troubled Teens in Foster Care

9/24/2024

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I recall just one of the many times that my family grew once again with a child in need. This time, it was a 17 year old boy; one who had suffered tremendous neglect and even abuse from his biological mother over the course of a number of years. Furthermore, he was homeless when he came to us, as his mother had abandoned him one year earlier.

Having a 17 year old young man join a family can be adventuresome, if you will.   At that time, we had 9 children and teens in the home, and each had to adjust to the latest family member. Has it always been easy? In one word, no. Yet, we found our way, and each day brought better understanding for all in the home.

Each stage of development can be difficult for a foster parent, but perhaps the teen years are the most challenging. This is an age where teenagers try to find their own identity, and is often a time where teens try to “cut the apron strings,” so to speak, in an attempt to gain self independence. If he has been in the foster care system for some time, he will have more than likely moved from placement to placement. Years of anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness, and broken trust will be difficult to break. You will have to have great patience with your foster teen, as he struggles with conflicting emotions as well as his role and place within your family.

Trust is one issue he will have a very difficult time with. Whether this is his first placement, coming directly from his birth parent’s house, or has had multiple placements, he may feel that the adults in his life have betrayed him. He has lost everything he knows and loves, and is now in a strange home with people who are not his parents. He will build up walls around himself, in an attempt to safe guard his feelings. You will likely have a hard time breaking through these walls, and trust will be difficult to establish, as he believes that he has no reason to place trust in you. Lies and mistruths are often common with foster teens, and you will have a difficult time knowing when he is sincere, and when he is misleading you.

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As a result of being removed from his home, he may have anger towards adults, and express that anger towards you. He may challenge your rules and expectations within your home, and argue with you about them, resenting the fact that he is being forced to live with people he does not know. Your foster teen may try to breaks as many of your rules, and make your life as miserable as possible, in the hope of you asking that he be removed from your home, believing that he will be returned to his biological family members. He may also seem highly withdrawn and depressed, and may not wish to be included in any of your family activities, along with any sort of social interaction. He may not appreciate all you do for him, and will seldom thank you for meeting his needs, providing for him, and showing him kindness and love. As he has been placed into your home against his will, he may runaway.

            As his body continues to change physically, he will become self absorbed. Hormonally, he will continue to develop, and his body will soon grow as he advances towards adulthood. Peer acceptance will be important to him, and he will seek to try and fit in with his fellow students. If he has moved often due to multiple placements, his school records may not be complete, and he may struggle in school. Learning disabilities may place him in a grade lower than other students in school, causing anxiety and embarrassment on his behalf. Behavior in school may also be challenging, as he lashes out in anger towards teachers and those in authority within the school.

            Perhaps the most important step you can take in helping your foster teen is building trust with him. This will take time, and you will have to have patience; do not expect him to come to your home trusting all you say and do. Give him space and allow him time to learn to trust you. Do not make promises to him that you are sure you are unable to keep. Once a promise is broken by you, it gives him further evidence that he cannot trust you. Talk to him on a personal level; find out what his interests are and encourage him to pursue those. Show interest in him, as well as in his biological family. Help him enroll in after school clubs and activities. Help him to research possible careers for him when he graduates from high school, and inform him that dropping out of high school will have severe negative consequences for him. Encourage him to express his feelings and emotions to you, as well as to a counselor, if necessary. He will need to learn that expressing his feelings is natural and healthy instead of keeping them inside.

            Establish rules and consequences for your household as soon as possible. Assign him chores and responsibilities in your house, allowing him to feel part of the family as well as give him a sense of importance and self worth. As he will want to establish a sense of identity and independence from you and your family, allow him to be a teenager; give him permission to try and fit in with the other students at his school with clothing styles, as long as they are appropriate. Set up a homework station for him at home, perhaps at the kitchen table, and create a time where he is to attend to his homework each night, perhaps when he gets home, or after dinner. Let him know that you will help him with his homework as much as you are able to do so. Do not allow him to have computer technology in his room, alone and unsupervised.

            No matter the age or ability of your foster child, he needs you. When you take a foster child into your home, you are making a commitment to “foster” that child. Remember, “foster” means to take care of, to help grow, and help develop another person. Your foster child may not express gratitude, return love, or show appreciation for what you are trying to do, but it is important to keep in mind that you are making a difference, a difference that could indeed last a life time.

-Dr. John

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Hashtags and Emojis-Hidden Languages and Hidden Dangers for your Children

8/2/2024

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Hashtags and emojis are everywhere throughout social media. They are easy to use, they are fun, and they are cute.
Yet, there is a hidden danger that most parents and adults are not aware of.
For our children and today’s youth, it is a new form of communication. Like all forms of communication, it changes and evolves. What many parents fail to understand is that hashtags have also evolved from something fun and cute and may now be used for purposes that are not so friendly, and even on dangerous.

Some hashtags can be used to hide messages; messages that children do not want their parents or others to see. These might include drug references, messages of sex, and messages of self violence or even suicidal thoughts. Indeed, a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that hashtags about self injury an drugs usage among youth are becoming increasingly popular on social media. Some of these might include the following:

#tina: crystal meth
#cu46: “see you for sex”
#deb: depression
#sue: suicide
#ana: anorexic
#mia: “bulimia”
#svv: “selbstverletzendes verhalten” or self-harming behavior
Flower emojis: drugs
Green check emoji: asking for marijuana

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There are also those parents who use hashtags when referring to their children online. While this may be cute, it can also be dangerous. It quickly allows predators to locate a child, find them online, view their pictures, find their birthdates and personal information, stalk them, and even proceed to create a fake identity or account, simply by clicking on the chld’s name/hashtag. Hashtags that predators might use include just some of the following:

#BackToSchool,
#DaddysGirl
#BabyGirl
#bathtimefun
#cleanbaby
#pottytrain

Emojis can also be used to send harmful or threatening messages. For example, a simple picture, or an emoji, of a frog may mean that the person receiving the emoji is “ugly”. An emoji of scissors might send the message that “I am going to cut you.” An emoji of a man running followed by a bowling ball may mean “I am going to hit you.”

Both these hidden hashtags and emojis can also lead to cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is the platform in which the 21st century bully uses to inflict pain and humiliation upon another. Cyberbullying is the use of technology to embarrass, threaten, tease, harass, or even target another person. With the use of online technology and social networking sites, today’s bully can follow their targeted victim where ever the child may go. Whether the child is in school, at the park, at the movie theater, or at home, whenever that bullied child has a cell phone or access to online technology, he can be bullied. In essence, this form of bullying can be non-stop, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Hashtags and emojis are just the latest way to bully others.

In addition, hashtags can also be used in scams and also for compromising one's online privacy.
Hashtags and emojis are also used by sexual predators, who scour the internet through chat rooms and social network sites, looking for children who are technically more advanced than their parents. Building a relationship throughout a period of time, over the course of weeks and sometimes even months, child victims feel that they can trust their new “friend.” These victims characteristically have experienced abuse at some point in their lives, having a history of prior sexual abuse. Along with this, victims have low self esteem problems, and are emotionally troubled or depressed. Many of these victims are children, using hashtags and emjojis, to communicate with others. Sexual predators are waiting for these children to communicate with them.

Those hashtags and emojis your children are using; they may look cute. They may look innocent. Yet, what are your children really saying? What are they really communicating to others?

Is it a cry for help?

Is it a sign your child is in danger?

-Dr. John

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Helping Biological Children While Caring for Foster Children

7/1/2024

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My biological children are a very important part of my foster parenting. Without them, my wife and I would not have been able to foster the forty plus children that have come through our home.   At one point, we had 11 children living in our home. As you can imagine, the house can become quite dirty quite quickly! The amount of laundry, dishes, and general cleaning can be overwhelming in a hurry. Along with that is the homework, soccer games, marching band practices, piano lessons, and other activities that children are involved with after school.

Furthermore, there are doctor’s appointments, therapy sessions, and visitations that come along with children in foster care. At the end of the day, my wife and I were often exhausted and worn out. If not for the help of our children, we might have been crushed by the load of work. Not only did the children help out with the laundry, dishes, and other house hold chores, they also helped with feeding our many younger foster children, reading them stories, and playing with them. Most importantly, though, my own biological and adoptive children have come to love their siblings from foster care, and treat them as part of our own family. It is this love that has been an instrumental part in how our foster children not only fit into our home and family, but has also been vital to helping the healing process that many of our foster children have sorely needed.   It is this type of help, and this type of love that has helped us continue to be a foster family, despite the difficult times and challenges we have faced over the years.

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When you decide to become a foster family, you not only need to prepare yourself, but prepare your children, as well. After all, their lives are going to change, too. Your children will not only be sharing their home, but they will be sharing you; their parents. This can be difficult for them to understand, and they will need your support more than ever.
Take some time to sit down with your children and remind them why you chose to be a foster parent.   If possible, give them a little training session of your own, and explain to them what it means to be a foster home, and a foster family. More importantly, explain to them what it will mean to be a foster sibling. Share with them, also, the information they need to know about your new foster child when he comes to your home. If they are too young to understand why a child might be in foster care, do not burden or confuse them with this information, they will simply not need more information or details. Your older children may be curious as to why the foster child is coming to live with them. Share with them what you know, and remind them that the foster child is probably hurting, frightened, and may reject your family in the first few days and weeks. Tell your children that it will take time to form a relationship with the foster child, their foster sibling.

Your own children may have concerns. Perhaps they are worried that they will have to share you with their new foster sibling. They may resent that there is a new person joining their family, sharing their toys, and sharing their parents. Ask them to share their feelings with you, and listen to what they have to say. Reassure your own children that you will always be there for them. You will also want to plan on setting aside some special time for just you and your own children, as they will need time alone with you during your fostering. Make sure you also set aside some special time for just you and your spouse. As a foster parent, you may become worn out and exhausted.   If you do not give attention to your own marriage and your spouse, but instead focus on being a parent to your children and your foster child, you may find your personal life suffering.

-Dr. John

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Anxieties and Children in Foster Care: What you NEED to Know

4/22/2024

10 Comments

Unconditional love is simply being loved without restrictions or stipulations. For a child in foster care who may have been abused, beaten, or neglected, this type of unconditional love is most important, yet probably unknown. Your love as a foster parent is quite essential to the child’s health, well being, and future. Without this type of love, a love that does not judge and is forgiving, a child will not form necessary and healthy attachment with others, resulting in a number of attachment disorders.

Children in foster care who suffer from these disorders will have great difficulty connecting with others, as well as managing their own emotions, not only during their childhood and time in foster care, but many times throughout the remainder of their lives. Emotional difficulties such as a lack of self worth, trust, and the need to be in control often result in the lack of unconditional and healthy parental love. As anyone who has worked with children in foster care will tell you, most of these children face an enormous amount of emotional issues, many times stemming from the lack of healthy love; the love of a parent figure.

Yet, love alone does not heal all wounds, and does not “fix” all things. Many of the children placed in our homes, as foster parents, will come to us with a variety of anxieties and disorders. According to a study by the National Conference of State Legislators, up to 80% of children in foster care have significant mental health issues. This is in comparison to about 20% of the general public.

Anxiety in children experiencing a disruption can manifest in a number of ways, perhaps none more frequently than separation anxiety, excessive concern over separation from home, family, and from those to whom they are most attached. Although children enter foster care through no fault of their own, they often suffer from mental health issues, some undiagnosed or caused by the initial separation from their first family.

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Many times, children placed into foster care suffer from mental health issues. A placement disruption may be so severe to the child that it feels as if their entire world is falling apart. For them, it is. Everything they know to be true in their world is now turned upside down. Their mother and father are no longer there to comfort them when they are troubled, or afraid. The family they lived with, grew up with, laughed with, and cried with is no longer there to take care of them. The bed they woke up in each morning is now different. Far too many children in foster care, the school they went to, the teachers they learned from, and the friends they had formed relationships with, have also been taken from them. Instead, these children now live with a strange family, wake each morning in a different house, sit in an unfamiliar classroom, and are no longer surrounded by those who love and know them best. Children in foster care often struggle to best deal with and survive these traumatic events, as they struggle to adjust to a new home and new family. To be sure, the losses in their life, along with the lack of a permanent home, oftentimes prevent these children from forming a secure and healthy attachment with a primary caregiver.

Issues from anxiety can manifest themselves in a number of ways. Perhaps the one that children in foster care face the most is separation anxiety, an excessive concern that children struggle with concerning the separation from their home, family, and to those they are attached to the most. Indeed, the more a child is moved, from home to home, from foster placement to another foster placement, or multiple displacements, the bigger the concern becomes. Those children who undergo many multiple displacements often create walls to separate themselves in an attempt to not let others into their lives. In attempting to do so, many children in foster care end up lying to their foster families, as they try to keep their new family at a distance, and at the same time, give the child a sense of personal control.

Other anxiety disorders include obsessive-compulsive disorder, where a child repeats unwanted thoughts, actions, and/or behavior out of a feeling of need. Panic disorders find a child experiencing intense bouts of fear for reasons that may not be apparent. These attacks may be sudden, and unexpected, as well as repetitive in their nature. Panic disorders also may coincide with strong physical symptoms, such as shortness of breath, dizziness, throbbing heart beats, or chest pains. Another anxiety disorder that foster children may face includes social phobias, or the fear of being embarrassed or facing the criticism of others. To be sure, as you care for children who have suffered from trauma in your household and with your family, it is likely that you will need to be able to help them as they struggle with some form of anxiety.

-Dr. John

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It's Okay for You to say that Foster Parenting is Difficult.

2/21/2024

19 Comments

You have permission.

It’s okay to say it’s hard.

It’s okay to say that sometimes you just feel like no understands what you are going through.

Guess what. It’s even okay to say that sometimes, you simply want to stop, that you can’t do it any more, that you are just don’t want to be hurt again.

Yes, foster parenting can be difficult.

You see, I have been a foster parent to over 60 children over the years. Foster parenting, without a doubt, has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I can not imagine a more difficult and challenging life style. I have lived the life of a foster parent. These children have been as young as 27 hours old, and as old as 18 years of age. Some have stayed a day, while others have stayed up to two years. I have had up to 11 children in my home, and at one time had 7 in diapers.

The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis. Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through. Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange, and question why you do it.

You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained. There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child. The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off. You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated. You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments. Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities. Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks. There is a reason why many people are not foster parents, as it is often too difficult.

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There have been those times where my heart has broken when a child left my home. There have been those moments when I have questioned whether or not I was making a difference. There have been those times when I have grown frustrated with the system, as I have had to stand by and watch some of the children in my home go back to environments and situations which I knew that were not healthy or safe, for that matter. To be sure, I have also watched my wife’s own doubts, and her desire to no longer foster, as her heart had been broken numerous times, as well, from the many children she had grown to love, only to see them return to homes where the children were once again placed in jeopardy.

It is the same for so many foster parents who have shared their stories with me. I have heard from foster parents who lose sleep each night for weeks and months on end, trying to calm and soothe a baby born addicted to crack, heroin, or meth. I have heard from foster parents who have been yelled at on a daily basis from foster teens who are so emotionally upset by their own experiences that they take it out on their foster parents. I have heard from those who have been told one day they could adopt their foster babies, only to be told another day that the baby would return instead to a biological family member the child had never met. The stories are countless, the stories are heartbreaking, and the stories are never ending. Surely, there is no earthly reason to be a foster parent. So, why do we do it? For many, like my wife Kelly, we are answering a call.

It is okay to say that it is hard. It is okay to say that you can’t do it anymore. It is okay to step away for awhile and take a break; say not to a placement; allow yourself time to recover and fill that cup back up again.

Yet, if you are like me, you continue to care for children because the need is so strong. After all, there is a child in need, right now as you read this, who is in need of someone to say, “I care. I will take care of you. I will love you.”

When we care for children in foster care, and bring them into our homes and families, we help to change their lives. Yet, at the same time, our lives are changed, as well; changed for the better. I have become a much better person for each child that has come through my home.

Do I sometimes want to say I can't do this anymore? Yes, sometimes I do. Yet, there is a child who needs me. There is a child who will make me a better person at the same time, as well.

And, there is a child who needs you. Right now. There is a child who needs you to say, "I will help you."

-Dr. John

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The Importance of Documentation

11/28/2023

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Just as location, location, location are the three most important words for a real estate agent, documentation should ring in the ear of every foster parent. They just might be the three most important words a foster parent needs today. Written documentation can go a long way toward keeping foster parents safe, and even helping protect them from false accusations.

Now, documentation does not mean that you, as a foster parent, should record and report only those negative experiences while caring for a child in care. Indeed, positive events and occurrences should also be reported and documented. Document when he started eating healthier, behaving more positively, acted kinder. Note when negative behavior began to decrease, and how he attempts to handle difficult situations in a more positive way. Throughout the placement of your child from foster care in your house, it will be necessary for you as a foster parent to keep written records, a journal or some sort of documentation. This written account will help you keep an accurate account of the time your child from foster care lives in your home.

Quite likely, your child from child from foster care is going to come to your home behind on medical shots, and perhaps on several medications. In short, he is probably going to have to visit the doctor soon, and perhaps even often. If he becomes sick, include this in your written records: the time he was sick, as well as how it was treated, including doctor visits and any medicine that you gave him. Note the conversations between him and the doctor, and between you and the doctor. Indeed, try and document the conversations between not only a doctor and a child, but also between the child in your home and his caseworkers, therapists, teachers, birth parents, biological family members, teachers, law enforcement and other people and conversations you feel are important. If he is the typical child, he will probably fall down at some point while living with you and skin his knee, scrape his chin, have a bruise, or some other type of injury. It is important that you document when it happened, how it occurred, and how and what you did to treat it.

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You might also be wise to let your caseworker know about such injuries occurring in your home, as well in case a birth parent or family member should notice and ask at the next visitation. Again, no need to worry too much if and when this should happen to the child in your home. Children will play, fall and get scratched and cut. It most likely happened to you as a child, and will happen to the children living in your home. Simply make sure you document such events in full. If he should miss a day of school due to being sick, record this and how you treated it as well. Keep records of any doctor’s notes, too.

For many children in care, their emotional status and needs are ever changing, and at times, ever demanding. As a foster parent, it is important to document any changes in behavior the child in your home might exhibit, along with when he began behaving in this way, as well as how long the behavior lasted. Detail how you addressed this change in behavior, and how he reacted to any rules and consequences you put into place as a result of misbehavior. If he should lie, steal, argue, yell or throw the so-called temper tantrum, record these incidents and how you responded to them as well. Along with that, record how the child responded to any consequences or disciplinary methods you used. Keep a notebook specifically for his school work, including grades and report cards, any behavioral problems or discipline, and any conversations with teachers, school counselors, administrators and other school employees.

Visitations are an important factor in both the life of your child in foster care, as well as his biological family members. For your child, visitations may occur once or several times a week, every other week, once a month, or even more irregularly than that. Whatever schedule of visitation he might have, it is important that you record these important events. Keep an account of every time he has a visitation, including the date, times and locations of each visit. Record who was there to supervise and monitor the visitation. If he has significant emotional or behavioral changes before and/or after these visits, as is often the case and is also quite normal, do your best to describe these in full.

Any contact you have with the birth parents and biological family members should also be documented. You should also document each conversation you have with his caseworker. If he should display any serious conflicts or unusual behavior toward his biological family or caseworker, or even toward himself, document this in detail, as well as report it to the caseworker immediately. If you suspect any kind of abuse while visiting his family, take before and after pictures of him as another form of evidence. Indeed, if he should ever abuse himself in any way, at any time, and in any fashion, not only must you document this, but you also need to call your child’s caseworker immediately. With proper documentation and records, you will not only better protect yourself as a foster parent, but also the child. Furthermore, documentation helps to provide important information to case workers, courts and all advocates for children in foster care.

For much more, download The Foster Parent Documentation Book. The Foster Parent Documentation book has all documentation information, forms, and much more for your foster parenting needs. This downloadable book includes information that you need.
-What to document
-How to properly document
-How to properly record incidents and accidents
-Printable Contact Sheets
-Printable Medication Logs
-Printable Respite Family Information Sheets
-Printable Accident Report Logs
-Printable Doctor/Medical Visit Forms
-Printable Child Monthly Reports Forms
-Printable School Information Forms
-Printable Visitation Report Forms
-Printable Behavior Incident Report Forms
-Printable Yearly Training and Licensing Logs
-Full and detailed list of Foster Care acronyms
-Foster Care Contact Information for all state departments for the United States.

-Dr. John

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The Truth About Post Adoption Depression for Parents

11/6/2023

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Adoption.

I have been blessed to adopt three from foster care over the years.

Though many in society may not recognize it, adoption is all around us, and is a normal part of how thousands of families come together. Indeed, six out of every ten Americans are touched by adoption in some fashion. Along with this, roughly 7 million Americans have been adopted. Each year, roughly 135,000 children are adopted in the United States.

When a child is placed into foster care, the initial goal is to have the child reunified with his birth parents, or a member of his biological family. Certainly, the initial intent of placing a child into care is that the placement be a temporary, with reunification the main objective.

Yet, there are those instances when reunification is not possible, and the child is placed through the court system for adoption. There are several reasons why a foster child might be placed up for adoption. First, the custody rights of the birth parents are voluntarily terminated; secondly, the custody rights of the birth parents are terminated by a court order; and third, the child is up for adoption due to the death of birth parents. For many foster parents like myself, adoption is the natural next step, as the children placed in our homes become a valued and very much loved member of our family.

While adoption may be a gift and a blessing for so many, it does not automatically lead to a "happy ever ending" for all involved. What many adoptive parents discover after an adoption is Post Adoption Depression. Post Adoption Depression Syndrome, or PADS, is a term that was first in 1995 by June Bond. Bond noticed how adoptive parents’ affect did not reflect the joy or happiness that she had expected to see as she performed post-placement home visits. Indeed, some studies indicate that up to 65% of adoptive mothers experience PADS at some point.

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Feelings of anxiety, depression, and stress may occur with the adoptive parent after the adoption has taken place. There may be several reasons why adoptive parents experience this form of depression following an adoption. For some, PADS may derive from sleep deprivation after the adoption. Some may experience unresolved feelings of grief and loss from past trauma may surface within the parent . For others, it may be unresolved infertility issues that were never addressed. Still, other adoptive parents may struggle with the challenges of attachment or bonding with the child that were more difficult than first expected.

For many, Post Adoption Depression Syndrome may result from a lack of support services for the entire family after the adoption. While there are foster parent support groups, and they are so very important to be sure, there are few adoptive parent support groups. For those who have adopted, it is important to surround yourself with others who have "walked the walk", so to speak. Instead, many adoptive parents try to "tough it out," if you will, during those difficult and stressful times. Thus, many adoptive parents often feel isolated, due to feeling that no one understands the challenges that adoption can bring.

To be sure, Self Care is critical for not only foster parents, but also adoptive parents. As I say often when speaking at foster care events, if you do not take time to care for yourself, you will not be able to care for the children who so desperately need you. Another crucial way to help address PADS is the gift of time. Bonding and attachment do not happen overnight. Instead, bonding can be a slow process, therefore allow it to happen naturally, over time, and remain patient. Remember how the child may feel about adoption. He will likely re-experience feelings of loss during the adoption process. Allow him to discuss his feelings of grief and loss with you as you listen attentively to him, validating his feelings and emotions. If he should ask any questions about his biological parents or birth family, it is important that you answer them as honestly as you can. At the same time, help him to transfer attachment from his birth family to yours by ensuring that he is included in all aspects of your family, and when possible, incorporate parts of his previous family’s traditions into your own, as it helps him to feel more comfortable. After all, his birth family gave him his appearance and gender, his intelligence, his temperament, talents, and of course, his life. These, of course, will never change.

Become a Special Member of The Foster Care Institute-Amazing Benefits!

The adoption of three children from foster care has led to so many adventures, challenges, joys, and experiences for my family. Just because we signed some paper work, making the children legally ours, does not mean that the new discoveries and challenges fade away. On the contrary, we are learning new things about these children on an almost daily basis. Perhaps the greatest discovery my family and I are learning is that the amount of love one can hold in a heart never seems to end. My family has not only grown in size from these adoptions, they have grown in love, as well.

For much more on Post Adoption Depression Syndrome, be sure to watch the Foster Care Institute training webinar on this very topic, as we examine it in full, offering many solutions and tips designed to help you during this emotionally challenging time.

-Dr. John
For more, purchase your own personally signed copy of The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Guide for Today's Foster Parents.

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A Pandemic of Mental Health for Children in Foster Care

8/18/2023

40 Comments

I recall it vividly.

I was asked by a CNN reporter in April of 2020 how the closing of schools across the nation due to Covid would affect children and youth in foster care.

My response was that I was far more concerned about the mental health risks for children in crisis than I was of any virus.

Sadly, we are seeing this happening.

The real pandemic, now, is that of mental health for our children.

In truth, so many of our children and youth are suffering from a mental health crisis.
According to a study by the Center for Disease Control (CDC) on mental health issues of
teenagers during Covid, more than a third of teens experienced poor mental health during the pandemic. Along with this, just under half, or 44 percent, of teens said they felt persistently sad or hopeless during the same time period. In addition, more than a third of high school students— including nearly two-thirds of Asian students and more than half of Black students —reported experiencing racism before or during the pandemic. Youth and teens who reported that they had been treated badly or unfairly in school because of their race or ethnicity were also less likely to feel connected to people at school, as well as having a greater risk of issues related to poor mental health.

There has also been an increase in teen suicide attempts. According to a study by the
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Girls between the ages of 12 to 17 were
found to have tried to attempt suicide increased by roughly 51% in early 2021 than the same time frame in 2019. In addition, boys in the same age group had a 4% increase of suicide attempts, as well. Children in foster care are also at risk of suicide. To be sure, these are all issues that children in foster care face and struggle with on a daily basis. According to one study, adolescents who had been in foster care were nearly two and a half times more likely to seriously consider suicide than other youth. The same study also found that adolescents who had been in foster care were nearly four times more likely to have attempted suicide than other youth.

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One study found that the physical abuse of school-aged children tripled in 2020. As
schools were closed across the nation, and children remained at home, the rate of child abuse rose significantly between the months of March to September of 2020. The study focused upon data gathered from more than 39,000 children treated at nine pediatric trauma centers, and found that 2,064 were victims of suspected child abuse. The study also found that the number of child abuse victims tripled for children 5 years of age and older.

In addition, studies show that up to five million children in the United States experience
and/or witness domestic violence each year. Whether it’s watching an act of physical or sexual abuse, listening to threats or sounds of violence, or viewing the evidence of such abuse in a victim in the signs of bleeding, bruises, torn clothing, or broken items, the effects are damaging to a child, in a variety of ways. Parents dealing with their own anxieties and struggles are sometimes not able to adequately care for their children. A study in Pennsylvania found that deaths and near-deaths of children as a result of abuse rose, as well, In 2019, 51 children died and 93 children nearly died as the result of child abuse. In 2020, 73 children died and 115 children nearly died as a result of child abuse. Together the two indicators rose 31 percent.

The statistics are grim. The dangers are real.

Children need our help, perhaps more than ever.

As foster parents, carers, and advocates, we need to recognize the signs of mental health, and take the steps the children need in order to treat these children, help them heal, and bring families the support they so desperately need in this time of confusion. If we do not, then we risk not only losing this generation, but their children and future generations, as well.

-Dr. John
For more, purchase your own personally signed copy of The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Guide for Today's Foster Parents.

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Don't Take it Personal! The Hard Part of Being a Foster Parent.

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The Importance of Self Care for Foster Parents

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Helping Troubled Teens in Foster Care

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Hashtags and Emojis-Hidden Languages and Hidden Dangers for your Children

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Helping Biological Children While Caring for Foster Children

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Anxieties and Children in Foster Care: What you NEED to Know

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It's Okay for You to say that Foster Parenting is Difficult.

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The Importance of Documentation

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The Truth About Post Adoption Depression for Parents

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A Pandemic of Mental Health for Children in Foster Care

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