Foster Care Institute Dr. John DeGarmo

Preparing Your Home and Heart for a Placement of a Child

8/24/2026

Foster parenting can be incredibly rewarding, and life changing. Yet, when having a new child placed into your home, it can be a time of stress and anxiety. You most likely will want to make sure that your house is “just right,” so to speak, or maybe even “perfect!” When getting your house ready for a placement there are few things that you, as a foster parent, can do to make this difficult time of transition a little easier, not just for the child being placed in your home and with your family, but for you and your household, as well. To begin with, it does help by having your home clean and organized.

Now, it is important to recognize that you do not have to hire a home decorator or spend a great amount of money refurbishing your home. What is helpful, though, is that you have a well cleaned home for your newest visitor and family member when he arrives. After all, first impressions count, especially during this difficult time. Remember, the child arriving at your home is most likely scared, confused, anxious, and distraught. If your home is “messy” or even cluttered and unorganized, it may create an atmosphere to your newest placement that your home is one that is not safe, or perhaps even dangerous. Instead, you want to create an atmosphere that is welcoming, that your home is indeed a safe one, and a home that he will feel comfortable and secure in. With that in mind, try to clean your house before your new child from foster care arrives. If your house seems “cluttered,” try to better organize the home. This will go a long way in helping your newest family member locate anything he might be looking for or need.

Decorating his bedroom will also go a long way towards helping him feel safe, secure, and welcomed. When the child first arrives, you do not need fancy decor, posters on walls, etc. Try to decorate and arrange the bedroom in a way that is age appropriate, as well as meet his needs. Younger children might appreciate coloring books, stuffed animals, and plush toys. Older children and youth books, video games, or perhaps even a television.. A desk and chair are also something to consider, especially for those who are in school, and need a work place for school work. As the child may come with clothing, you will need a place for them to store their clothes and belongings. A dresser with drawers will be most helpful in the bedroom, so the child has a place to keep his belongings. A night light is also a good idea, as it will help to ease some of his concerns, anxieties, and fears of sleeping in a new room, and a new house; a room and house that is strange to him. If he is one that has anger management issues, you may wish to consider removing anything in the room that might be dangerous if a meltdown or outburst of anger should occur, in order to prevent him from hurting himself. When your child from foster care settles in, you can then allow him the opportunity to add to the room’s decor based upon his likes and personality.

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Safety first is an old and famous saying. It is important that you take the necessary precautions to safety proof your home. Have any objects or items that might be harmful or dangerous removed. Batteries can be rather dangerous, as they are both a choking hazard, and can generate an electrical current that can burn body tissues when in contact with saliva.. Make sure that batteries are kept in a safe location, so that your child does not swallow a battery. Install a fire and smoke alarm on each level of your home, and ensure that all are working properly and that fresh batteries are installed, checking each one on a monthly basis to make sure that the fire and smoke alarms are in working order. In addition, a fire extinguisher on each level, and one in your bedroom would also be a wise investment. If you have babies and infants, toddlers or small children, make sure that your home is “baby proof.” Make sure that all electrical outlets are covered so small fingers or toys are not inserted into them. Check to make sure that electrical cords are in full working order, with no wires exposed. If you have stairs in your home, install safety gates at both the top and bottom of the stairs if you have babies or toddlers in your home. You might also want to install a safety gate for rooms in your house, including kitchen, laundry room, garage, or any other room that you do not want little ones in.

Many times, children and youth in foster care arrive at your home on a number of medications. Taking the necessary steps to safeguard your child’s health and safety is critical. Make certain that all medications are stored away in a locked drawer or cabinet, so that your child will not be able to access them. You can keep medications safe with a padlock and key or a combination lock. In addition to locking away medications and drugs, make sure that anything with chemicals is also out of reach, locked, and stored away. These include any cleaning products, laundry detergents, dishwasher soaps and detergents, and gardening chemicals and sprays. Check to ensure that anything sharp is also out of reach, including silverware, knives, and scissors.

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Those first few nights might be a little chaotic, might be a little busy. These nights might be so busy and chaotic that you do not have time to properly prepare meals. In fact, you might find these first few nights are filled with questions, anxiety, tears, and outbursts, as the child placed in your home struggles to adjust to your home, your rules, and all that comes along with your family and family dynamics. Add to that the paperwork that might need to be filled out, doctor appointments, new school, possible homework, laundry, work and career, and all of the responsibilities that are associated with your own family; it is easy to see that their may be little to no time to a healthy meal for the family, let alone any type of dinner. Having meals prepared in advance, perhaps in your freezer, can be very helpful, in making this time of transition easier and maybe even healthier, for not only you, but everyone in the house.

( Excerpt from Chapter Two of Called to Foster? An Honest Guide to Getting Started )

-Dr. John

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The Reason Children in Foster Care are Failing in School

7/23/2026

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When I first began teaching, and before I was a foster parent, I knew very little about foster care, or about foster children. To be sure, what I thought I knew about children in foster care, and about the foster care system, was as far from the truth as possible. Like most of the general public, I had false ideas and beliefs about foster children, and much of it was negative, I am afraid to say. This was due mainly to the false stereotypes that abound in society. As a result, I was not prepared to meet the many needs that the students from foster homes so desperately needed while in my classroom. Even further, in all my years of college, and of additional instructional workshops, I did not have the training required to best help foster children as they struggled in my classroom, and neither did my colleagues.

After a few children from foster care had passed through my own home, I began to appreciate the fact that I had to not only adjust my teaching habits for children in crisis, but I also had to become my own children’s advocate at their own schools. I watched my foster children struggle in my fellow teacher’s classrooms, and also was witness to these same teachers as they failed to understand the various emotional challenges the children in my home were going through on a daily basis. To be sure, there were those times when I had to politely intervene on behalf of my foster child. There were also those times when I had to sit across the table from a fellow teacher as we discussed how my foster child’s behavior was interfering in the classroom setting. My desire to better assist both my colleagues and foster children led to my doctoral studies on the subject. I simply wanted to help children in foster care succeed in school, as well as bring awareness about their struggles to our schools.

Children in foster care, in general, tend to perform below level in regard to both academic performance and in positive behavior than those students who come from either traditional homes as well as children from economically disadvantaged homes. The majority of children under foster care supervision experience problems in behavior while enrolled in public schools. Those foster children who were taken from homes due to neglect repeatedly suffer from a number of developmental delays. These include poor language and vocabulary development, thus impairing communication skills.

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For many children in foster care, our schools are the last place they want to be. For that foster child who has been taken from his family, from his home, from his friends, and all he knows, and suddenly placed into a strange home late one evening, only to be forced to attend a strange school the following day, it is incredibly traumatic. Foster children often have a difficult time with exhibiting proper school behavior during the school day. For many of the children, school is a constant reminder that they are, indeed, foster children without a true home. The continuous reminder that their peers are living with biological family members while they are not is a difficult reality for them, and can be manifested in several ways. Some foster children simply withdraw and become anti-social, in an attempt to escape their current environment and world they have been thrust into. For many foster children, violent behavior becomes the norm, as they not only act out in a negative and disruptive fashion in the school, but in their foster home, too, prompting yet another move to another foster home and another school (see the book Helping Foster Children in School: A Guide for Foster Parents, Social Workers, and Teachers, (DeGarmo, Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2015).

Since children in foster care are often behind academically, as well as struggle with the fact that they are coming from outside school districts with different expectations, teachers in your child’s school need to be conscious of this fact. Foster children struggle with many personal and emotional issues while in the foster home, and homework is often not the main objective while in the home each evening. Instead, the emotional issues your child faces may take center stage on a particular evening. Teachers need to assign homework with this in mind, being sensitive to their issues. Let your child’s teacher know this, and ask that they cooperate with you on this. Meet with the teachers, the school counselor, and perhaps even an administrator of the school when you enroll your foster child, and explain these concerns to them. Like I was beforehand, it is highly likely that they have not had much experience with foster children, nor the challenges they face.

As a foster parent, you will need to reach out to the teachers, and ask for as much information and updates as possible. It is essential to your child’s success in school that you become actively involved and interested in your child’s school life. Look for ways to volunteer in the school. Encourage your foster child to become active in after school activities. Take an interest in your child’s school work, and make sure it is done to the best of his ability each evening. Help your child study, and praise him when he does well. If you have a young foster child in the early years of school, read to him each evening, or listen to him read to you. Help him with his spelling and writing skills. Quite simply, be your foster child’s advocate with his teachers, and in his school. Without your help, your child from foster care is not going to find success, in any fashion.

As I write this, school is about to begin in my area. I have already met with the teachers of the children currently living in my home. Fortunately, these teachers have already taught many of the children from foster care who my wife and I have been blessed to have in our home over the years, and these teachers and I have been able to build a healthy working partnership, through both good times and bad. It is only with the combined effort of you, your child’s teachers, and your caseworker, that your foster child has a chance for success in school. You need to lead this charge. You need to be your child’s advocate. Your child is counting on you. Will you let her down?

-Dr. John
The Foster Care Institute

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Why This Celebrity Actress and Foster Parent Needs Support!

7/5/2026

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When I became a foster parent, I had zero support. My parents were upset because they wanted to protect my heart, and while I understand and appreciate the sentiment behind their reasoning, I was also disgusted. I know that’s a harsh word, and I shouldn’t react so viscerally, because I immediately recognized their natural parental instinct to protect me. But still—it was hard not to judge their initial reaction. They were the ones who introduced me to the concept of fostering! It just felt so unfair.

I truly believe that while it’s important to check in with myself in regard to my emotions and stress, it’s also important to note that I am an adult who can process my emotions on a complex level and assess how to best manage my feelings and expectations. So then, it is imperative that I offer my love and emotional coping skills to a child who is helpless and out of control–and to extend that same grace to their biological families to the best of my abilities.

Sure, some days my heart hurts like hell. When I was fostering, there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn't end up crying a little. But those tears made me more empathetic. Remember my clenched fist of control analogy from the introduction? Each tear felt like oil loosening my grip on whatever I was trying to control. My heart can heal because I have coping skills, faith, and family and friends who love me. So if my adult-sized heart can take on some of the pain a child in foster care would otherwise have to carry alone, then so be it. But hear me now: you need other foster parents to walk through this fire with you. No one else can relate. No one.

My husband’s family was incredibly supportive when they found out we were going to foster. We had a prescheduled trip back east the week after we got Kayden, and I received special permission to travel with him to Virginia and West Virginia. My mom and I had more than a few extremely emotional arguments about “protecting my heart,” but Jason’s family welcomed us with a surprise baby shower. They were so kind. I thought they would be our best support system. And to be fair, they supported us in the best way they knew how. But they couldn’t relate. Which brings me to two stories that cut me to the core. I share these not to throw anyone under the bus (especially not my in-laws, whom I immediately forgave), but to help you set and manage your expectations. Your well-intentioned support system might be completely oblivious to the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual trials you endure as a foster parent. Other foster parents understand—and you need them in your foster care journey. They will be your lifeline when no one else gets it.

Kayden and Jeffrey are my sons by adoption. But because of the heartache, advocacy, middle momming—and by knowing there’s going to be a lot of emotional mountains and valleys ahead in regard to my not being their “real” … aka biological mom … (a subject we’ll address in chapter 8)—I honestly feel like I’m more of a mom to them than I am to my two biological kids. I honestly feel like I’m more of a mom to them than I am to my two biological kids. With this in mind, I’ll dive into the two most heinous things anyone has ever said to me.

When I had my daughter Julie—three years after we began fostering Kayden, and after his adoption—one of my sisters-in-law invited me to some secret sisters-in-law group text I hadn’t been part of yet saying, “Welcome to the mom club!” followed by some dumb emojis; I recall them being a bomb (probably because of the way my lower body felt) and a flexing arm. Then the other three chimed in with agreement. As if the past three years of the most agonizing heartache, prayers, stress, endless monitored visitations, reports, hospital visits, being vomited and pooped on too many times to count didn’t qualify. I know they intended to be kind, but it left me gasping for air like I’d been punched in the solar plex. I was crushed. Apparently none of them thought all the sleepless nights, sleep training, diaper changing, potty training, tantrums, drug withdrawals, sicknesses, middle momming, disciplining, teaching, and you know, all those things parents do, didn’t qualify me yet. Plus, Kayden was already adopted.

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And on that note, let me just take a quick moment to say that having biological children, while it’s a doozy on your body (and I won’t discredit or diminish that in any way), followed by a seriously bleak fourth trimester no one tells you about, is no walk in the park—but it’s still a heck of a lot easier. I know my bio kids’ medical histories. I know they weren't exposed to domestic violence or drugs in utero. I didn’t have to lose even more sleep worrying about whether or not they’d survive if they went back to a violent and destructive home. I don’t need a stack of court-approved forms to take them to a medical specialist if I felt they needed it. I don’t have to co-parent with someone whose judgment is harmful. I have legal rights. I don’t have to “parent” their parents. And yet, apparently, procreating is what qualifies you as an “official” mom. That day, I realized just how different the foster parenting journey is. I’m telling you—the way my sisters-in-law did it was easier. And let me be clear: Their ability to have biological children is not what makes them incredible mothers. They are wonderful moms because of who they are, not because of how they became moms.

Just about the time I was recovering from the “Welcome to the mom club” blow, Mother’s Day of 2020 rolled around. (At this point, I had been a mother for four years.) A different sister-in-law, the one I’m closest to and have known for over twenty years, texted me, “Happy first official Mother’s Day!!” probably followed by flower emojis. Cue the instant sobbing. I wish I could cry that fast in my acting scenes. It was an epic and ugly cry, the kind Viola Davis can do on screen, where my snot mixed with tears probably went into my mouth. It hurt me so much, I actually cried again just writing this—even years later. I know she meant well. She’s incredibly thoughtful and tenderhearted. But that’s the point: Even someone like her couldn’t truly understand your journey as a foster parent. Only another foster parent can.
(From the book Called to Foster? An Honest Guide to Getting Started)

-Jen Lilley
Actress, Foster/Adoptive Parent, and Author of Called to Foster? An Honest Guide to Getting Started

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Vacationing With a Foster Family

5/21/2026

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Summer time! For many families, it is a time of summer vacation; trips to the beach, a visit to relatives, a day spent at an amusement park, and summer camp for the kids. Summer is also a time where families come together, spending quality time, as well as quantity time with each other. However, for children in foster care, it can also be a time of emptiness, loneliness, and inactivity. Many children in care have never had a “summer vacation” before coming into care. Perhaps their biological family was unable to provide that trip to the beach. Perhaps these children in need never attended a summer camp beforehand. Perhaps there simply was not anyone around to play with, or even to talk to.

Being a foster parent has many rewards. One of these is the chance to give children in foster care new experiences; experiences that can be found during summer time and school vacations. To be sure, these vacation periods allow for children in care to not only experience some things for the very first time, but also are opportunities for growth, for healing, for learning, and for some children in care, the first real occasion to laugh and simply “be a kid”.

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When one thinks summer vacation from school, one usually thinks of a family trip. Taking a foster child on a summer vacation can be an incredibly rewarding experience for the child. For one, it allows the child to have the opportunity to create some special memories that he might not have had otherwise. For the child, it might be the first time he travels on an airplane, visited the beach or ocean, went camping and spent the night sleeping in a tent, or enjoyed some time at an amusement park. Indeed, vacations allow children in care the chance to see new places and try new things.
Vacations are also times when families are able to bond together as a family unit. Certainly, many children in care have difficulty forming healthy relationships with others, including their foster family. A family vacation is an opportunity for foster families to grow closer, and allows the child the opportunity to break down some of the emotional walls and barriers he has built inside of himself

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If a foster family plans on taking their foster child on vacation with them, it is important that the child’s case worker be notified. Along with this, foster parents should seek the permission of the case worker. If the child is taken over state lines, many times foster parents will also need the permission of the child’s birth parents. Case workers can help with this by obtaining this permission. Foster parents should obtain permission, by both case worker and birth parents, in writing or documentation of some kind, just to be safe. Finally, before leaving on vacation with the child, ensure that the case worker has the contact information and phone numbers of the foster family, in case any emergency should arise.

-Dr. John

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What Foster Parents Should Know Before a Child Starts Looking for Biological Family

4/6/2026

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At some point, many foster parents hear a question that carries a lot of weight:
“Do you think I could find them?”
It might come out of nowhere. Or it might build over time through small comments and interest.
However it shows, a child seeking information on their biological family is a moment that
deserves care, understanding, effort, patience, and honesty.
It can also feel complicated. You may want to protect them. You may not know what to say. You
may wonder what it means for your relationship.
All of that is normal.
It usually starts with interest, not rejection.
One of the most important things to understand is this: a child’s desire to search is usually not
about you.
It is about them trying to understand their story. And since 90% of birth mothers want to be
found, odds are, they can get some of the answers they seek.

Here’s why that is important:
Kids in foster care often live with very personal gaps. Missing names. Missing faces. Missing
explanations. Even when they are safe and supported, those gaps do not disappear. In fact,
they tend to grow more noticeable as a child gets older.
Wanting to know where they come from is a natural part of identity. It does not take away from
the bond you have built with your foster child. In many cases, it actually shows that they feel
secure enough to ask.
That perspective can help shift the moment from something threatening to something you can
walk through together.

Make it safe to talk about, early and often.
If a child feels like the topic is uncomfortable, they may stop bringing it to you and start looking
on their own. That is where things can get harder.
The goal is not to have perfect answers. It is to be a safe place.
Simple responses matter more than long explanations.
“I’m really glad you told me.”
“It makes sense that you’d be curious.”
Those kinds of responses keep the door open.
Even if you do not have information to give, your willingness to sit in the conversation with them
creates trust.
That trust is what will guide how they handle the next step.
There is more emotion here than most people expect

Searching for a biological family is simply not a task. It is an emotional process.
A child might feel hopeful one day and unsure the next. They might imagine what a reunion
could look like, while also worrying about what they will find. There can be excitement, fear,
anger, grief, and even guilt all at once.
Some children worry that wanting to search will hurt their foster parents. Others feel torn
between loyalty to the family they are with and fascination with the one they came from.
Let them know they are allowed to feel more than one thing at a time. Let them know there is no
“right” way to feel about it. They are going through a lot, even outside of their identity gaps.
Around 80% of foster kids have mental health issues, and the struggle for identity can add to the
mental health struggles that many foster kids face.
And be prepared for the possibility that the outcome may not fulfill their expectations.
Sometimes information is incomplete. Sometimes people cannot be found. Sometimes contact
is not possible or not healthy.
Supporting a child means being present through all of it, not just the hopeful parts.

Go at their pace, not yours.
Some children want to move quickly. Others take small steps over time. Both are valid.
It can be tempting to either slow things down out of caution or speed things up to get answers.
Neither approach tends to work well long-term. Instead, follow the child’s lead while helping
them think through decisions.
That might look similar to starting with questions. Writing down what they want to know. Talking
through what they hope will happen. Thinking about what they might do if things do not go as
planned.
This is not about controlling the process. It is related to guiding it.

Be thoughtful about how the search happens.
Today, most searches begin online. But a child may come across something or experience
something through searching and contacting that they are not prepared to process on their own.
If a search is going to happen, it is better for it to happen with support.
That could include talking through what tools to use, establishing expectations about what
information means, and deciding together what steps feel appropriate. It also means having
conversations with respect to privacy, boundaries, and timing.
If it helps, here is a piece on foster care searches that walks through the human side of these
searches and how to approach them carefully. The objective is not just to find information. It is
to do it in a way that protects the child emotionally.
You do not have to have all the answers.
This is one of the hardest parts for foster parents.
You want to do this right. You want to protect them. You want to support them. And at the same
time, you may feel like you are entering something you cannot fully control.

The truth is, you are not expected to have all the answers.
What matters most is that you stay present. That you listen. That you remain steady, though
things feel uncertain. If a child knows they can come back to you with whatever they find, that
matters more than any single outcome.

This can strengthen your relationship, not weaken it.
It may not feel like it at first, but these trials can actually deepen trust.
When a child sees that you are willing to support their questions, even when those questions
are hard and can’t always be answered, it reinforces something important. It gives an example
of unconditional care. Which builds trust. And that trust is what allows a child to grow into their
full story, with you still very much a part of it.
Remember that you are not alone. Many families are walking this same path, each in their own
way. Staying open, patient, and grounded will hold greater significance than trying to handle it
perfectly. Sometimes, the most important thing you can offer is not a solution. It is simply being
there, steady and willing, as a child begins to ask where they come from.
If you need help finding information, National Cellular Directory partners with foster care families
by offering free searches; making it a helpful place to start with the details you already have.

-Holly Trost
National Cellular Directory
18202 Minnetonka Boulevard, Suite 8
Wayzata, MN 55391

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Why you NEED to say "No" as a Foster Parent.

3/11/2026

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It was a very difficult, almost impossible, word for "The Fonz" to say on the classic TV show "Happy Days."

Maybe, it is a very difficult, almost impossible, word for you to say at times.

The word “No” has been a difficult one for me as a foster parent whenever we got “the call” for a placement of another child.

Indeed, for my first 14 years as a foster parent, I felt guilt whenever we had to tell a case worker that we were unable to care for the child that needed a home, at that very moment. I have had to say no on a few occasions over the year, and would be saddled with guilt for a time afterwards.    With the lack of foster homes in the area I live in, along with the increase in the number of children being placed into care, my wife and I have taken in child after child, signing waiver after waiver. A few years ago, we had 11 children in the house. Two years ago, we had 9. This time last year, we had 8 children.   Yes, we were running on fumes; exhausted each day from the many emotional needs and challenges the children brought into our home and into our families. Make no mistake; we loved what we were doing, and we felt called to do so.

                Yet, we were tired. We needed a break.

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Soon after this, a rather strange thing happened. Four of the children in our home went off to college. We had been caring for some older youth, all seniors in high school, who had nowhere else to stay, no one to care for them. It had been a rough 12 months, yet it had also been an adventurous one, as well. And then, within a matter of days, the four older ones in our home were off on their own adventure. While we still call them, visit them, and love them, they are starting exciting new chapters in their lives, and we shall continue to support them in so many ways. What I found, though, was an exciting adventure was about to start for my wife and I.

For the first time, in 15 years, we only had 4 children in the home; a biological son and three children we had adopted from foster care.   We found the house much quieter, much more peaceful, and we embraced it. The past few weeks have been as if we were on vacation; as if we were on respite care. (I can only imagine that this what having an "empty nest" felt like.) It has been a time to re-charge those batteries, reconnect with each other, and reconnect with our children. It has been a time where we could find rest, for you see, we had reached a stage bordering on being burned out.

More importantly, it has reminded me that foster parents do indeed need rest from time to time. Indeed, foster parents DO need rest and a time of reprieve, every now and then.

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The life of a foster parent is a difficult one. It is unlike any other life style. The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis. Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through. Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange, and question why you do it.

You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained. There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child. The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off. You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated. You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments. Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities. Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks.

So, it is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life. As a foster parent, you NEED to take care of yourself.   You NEED to ensure that you are watching out after yourself, finding the time you need for you, and the help you need to care for not only the children in your home, but for yourself and your family. If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

-Dr. John

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The Value of a Foster Parent Support Group.

2/23/2026

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It can be challenging caring for children who are filled with anxiety, who have issues of trust and attachment, and who struggle with so much on a day-to-day basis in your home and as part of your family twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why up to 50 percent of foster parents quit after the first year of opening up their home to children in foster care. Today’s foster parents lack support and a support network.

The truth is that as foster parents, we need and we deserve a network of support from those who truly understand what we do, why we do it, and the difficulties we may face as foster parents. Perhaps the best thing my caseworker did for my wife and me after we completed our foster parent training was help us create a foster parent’s support group in our county. We began meeting once a month, at a local church, and my wife and I quickly grew to not only look forward to each meeting but really embrace and value the members in the support group. The other members of our support group understood what my wife and I were going through as foster parents because they, too, were foster parents. They too had had similar experiences.

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As a support group, we could lean on one another during difficult times, laugh at some of the absurdities that only come with foster parenting, and gain valuable knowledge and skills from those foster parents who had already gone through similar experiences as they had walked the foster parenting journey as well. Most important, we could surround ourselves with people who would not judge us as “those strange foster parents.”

Foster parent support groups, or foster parent associations as they are sometimes also known by, offer so much for both the new and veteran foster parent. Support groups and associations offer you the opportunity to develop relationships with other foster parents. These relationships are wonderful occasions for you to validate your own experiences and emotions you feel as a foster parent. Fellow foster parents will also be able to discuss common experiences and common concerns related to the foster children living in their homes, as well as share ideas and resources with one another.

When you join a foster parent support group, you quickly come to the realization that you are not alone. There are others who have had similar experiences, and this realization often turns to relief. Along with this, when you are surrounded by others who have walked the same path you have as a foster parent, you can truly express yourself with others without fear of judgment or ridicule. Support groups offer just that, a supportive environment where you will very likely feel comfortable enough to share your feelings, concerns, frustrations, and doubts within a safe space. Doing so can be both therapeutic and even healing for you. In addition, as you share with others who support you, the stress of caring for children in crisis and in need can be reduced considerably.

Become a Special Member of The Foster Care Institute-AMAZING Benefits!

One wonderful benefit of belonging to a foster parent support group is the opportunity to surround yourself with others you can learn from. Indeed, you will learn so much about how the foster care system truly works from those who have been involved in it for some time. In addition, you will also learn practical and real-life tips on how to deal with difficult situations you might be experiencing currently or may experience in the future. This can better help prepare you in advance for those challenging moments, as well as grant you a better understanding of what you might experience caring for children in crisis. Finally, foster parent support groups allow you to share resources. Perhaps you have a new baby being placed in your home and do not have the proper resources needed. Others in your foster parent support group may be able to help, providing cribs, car seats, age-appropriate toys, and so forth. Indeed, foster parents are quick to share not only knowledge, wisdom, and experiences, they are also often quick to share needed physical items.

-Dr .John
Want MORE about this? Look for the upcoming book Called to Foster by Jen Lilley and Dr. John DeGarmo in May, 2026.

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How To Help Your Own Children While Caring For Foster Children

12/30/2025

109 Comments

My children are a very important part of my foster parenting. Without them, my wife and I would not have been able to foster the sixty plus children that have come through our home. At one point, we had 11 children living in our home. As you can imagine, the house can become quite messy, quite quickly! The amount of laundry, dishes, and general cleaning can be overwhelming in a hurry. Along with that is the homework, soccer games, marching band practices, piano lessons, and other activities that children are involved with after school. Furthermore, there are doctor's appointments, therapy sessions, and visitations that come along with children in foster care.

At the end of the day, my wife and I were often exhausted and worn out. If not for the help of our children, we might have been crushed by the load of work. Not only did the children help out with the laundry, dishes, and other house hold chores, they also helped with feeding our many younger children from foster care, reading them stories, and playing with them. Most importantly, though, my own biological and adoptive children have come to love their siblings from foster care, and treat them as part of our own family. It is this love that has been an instrumental part in how our foster children not only fit into our home and family, but has also been vital to helping the healing process that many of our foster children have sorely needed. It is this type of help, and this type of love that has helped us continue to be a foster family, despite the difficult times and challenges we have faced over the years.

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When you decide to become a foster family, you not only need to prepare yourself, but prepare your children, as well. After all, their lives are going to change, too. Your children will not only be sharing their home, but they will be sharing you; their parents. This can be difficult for them to understand, and they will need your support more than ever.

Take some time to sit down with your children and remind them why you chose to be a foster parent. If possible, give them a little training session of your own, and explain to them what it means to be a foster home, and a foster family. More importantly, explain to them what it will mean to be a foster sibling. Share with them, also, the information they need to know about your new child from foster care when he comes to your home.

If they are too young to understand why a child might be in foster care, do not burden or confuse them with this information, they will simply not need more information or details. Your older children may be curious as to why the child from foster care is coming to live with them. Share with them what you know, and remind them that the foster child is probably hurting, frightened, and may reject your family in the first few days and weeks. Tell your children that it will take time to form a relationship with the foster child.

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Your own children may have concerns. Perhaps they are worried that they will have to share you with their new foster sibling. They may resent that there is a new person joining their family, sharing their toys, and sharing their parents. Ask them to share their feelings with you, and listen to what they have to say. Reassure your own children that you will always be there for them. You will also want to plan on setting aside some special time for just you and your own children, as they will need time alone with you during your fostering.

Make sure you also set aside some special time for just you and your spouse. As a foster parent, you may become worn out and exhausted. If you do not give attention to your own marriage and your spouse, but instead focus on being a parent to your children and your child from foster care, you may find your personal life suffering.

-Dr .John
Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of the BEST SELLING book The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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109 Comments

8 Things to do When Saying Goodbye to Children in Foster Care

9/7/2025

19 Comments

I have a bit of bad news for you. It really does not get any easier when children move from your home and leave your family. But guess what? It shouldn’t get any easier. This is how it really should be. If you experience grief and loss when your foster child leaves, this reflects the love that developed between you and your child, a reflection of the love that you gave a child in need. As you know, children in foster care need us to love them; they need us to feel for them. When they leave our homes, we should grieve for them, as it simply means that we have given them what they need the most—our love.

At whatever age a child or teen leaves your home—and for whatever reason—it may be a difficult and emotional time for both you and the child. So, we compiled a list of practical steps to help ensure a smoother transition for everyone involved:

1. Communicate openly: Talk to the child about their upcoming transition and help them understand the reasons behind it. Reassure them that they are not at fault and that they will be okay.

2. Maintain routines: Stick to your regular routines as much as possible to provide stability and predictability during the transition.

3. Pack their belongings: Help them pack their things with care—and please, use a suitcase, not a trash bag. Make sure they have all their clothing, toys, personal items, and anything meaningful from your home.

4. Create a “Lifebook”: Start a Lifebook as soon as the child joins your home. Think of it as a scrapbook of their time with you. For many children in foster care, much of their early life story is lost or forgotten. A Lifebook filled with photos, drawings, mementos, and written memories helps them maintain a connection to their story and provides continuity as they transition.

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5. Exchange contact information: With permission, share your contact info with the caseworker or new caregivers so you can remain a support, even from afar.

6. Prepare emotionally: Acknowledge your own emotions and grief. Reach out for support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed.

7. Celebrate their time with you: Plan a meaningful activity or celebration to mark their time in your home. Give them a joyful memory to carry forward.

8. Reflect on the experience: After they leave, take time to reflect. Think about what you’ve learned and how you've grown. Use that insight as you consider future steps in your foster care journey.

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Saying goodbye is never easy for anyone and may be especially difficult for you and your foster child. After your foster child leaves your home, you may feel like you never wish to foster again, as the pain is too great. The grief you feel may be overwhelming. Please remember this though, my friend: You are not alone. It is normal for foster parents to feel loss and grief each time a child leaves your home. Take time to grieve and remind yourself that you are not in control of the situation.
And please remember this. It is okay to cry as a foster parent.

It means that you gave the child what she needed the most—someone to love her with all your heart.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the best selling book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families. Order your signed copy HERE.

19 Comments

Establishing and Building Trust with Teens in Foster Care

7/20/2025

25 Comments

Establishing and building trust with your teen is perhaps the most important thing you can do for him and with him. He needs to learn how to trust someone, not only for you and your family while he lives with you, but also for him now, and in his future. He will need to learn how to trust others in the future for him to transition into a healthy adult. Trust will be essential for him as an adult to have healthy relationships with others, to establish friendships, and for employment and career opportunities.

As we have seen earlier, trust takes time. Let’s look at what the best selling book The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home. says about trust:

Perhaps the most important step you can take in helping your foster teen is building trust with him. This will take time, and you will have to have patience; do not expect him to come to your home trusting all you say and do. Give him space and allow him time to learn to trust you. Do not make promises to him that you are sure you are unable to keep. Once a promise is broken by you, it gives him further evidence that he cannot trust you. Talk to him on a personal level; find out what his interests are and encourage him to pursue those. Show interest in him, as well as in his biological family. Help him enroll in after school clubs and activities. Help him to research possible careers for him when he graduates from high school and inform him that dropping out of high school will have severe negative consequences for him. Encourage him to express his feelings and emotions to you, as well as to a counselor, if necessary. He will need to learn that expressing his feelings is natural and healthy instead of keeping them inside.

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Remember the eye rolling we talked about? When it does happen, or when he might make those mean and snide comments, disobey you, or break your family rules, it is important that you do not respond likewise. Instead, it is important that you remain calm, avoid yelling, and avoid being aggressive to the teen placed in your home. When he is trying to argue with you, or raising his voice to you, try to keep your own tone and intensity of your voice lowered.

Be aware of your own stress levels, and if you feel that you are not in control of your emotions, or feel that you may become angry, take a time out. Let him know that you need to step away, and that you will be happy to discuss the matter with him after you have been able to find the calm and the patience that you both need.

Get the Licensing and Training Hours/CEUs you Need! Become a Special Member of The Foster Care Institute-AMAZING Benefits!

Another way to help your troubled teen is to look at his situation from a different perspective. Try looking at what is troubling him not from the perspective of an adult, or as his foster parent, but instead through the eyes of a teenager in today’s world. In other words, from his perspective. When you do this, it allows you to gain insight into what might be troubling him, insight into what might be triggering his actions and emotional responses. This might help you to respond differently and help bridge the communication gap better.

Today’s teens crave some sort of sense of belonging. Help him find it in your own home, and with your own family.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the best selling book The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home. Order your signed copy HERE.

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The Value of a Foster Parent Support Group.

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How To Help Your Own Children While Caring For Foster Children

8 Things to do When Saying Goodbye to Children in Foster Care

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Establishing and Building Trust with Teens in Foster Care

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