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It's Okay to Cry as a Foster Parent!

6/29/2020

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My tears flowed freely down my face.  My cheeks were wet, yet I wasn’t compelled to wipe the tears away.  Quite simply, my heart hurt.  My heart was broken.

It had been two months since Maddie, our last foster child, had left our home. The 4-year-old girl had been with us for just under one year, and had made a significant impact not only on both my wife and I, but on our own children, as well. She had very much become a part of our family, and there were talks about the possibility of adopting her. Sadly, as it is many times for foster parents, the 4-year-old was moved to another home, where she would be closer to her biological family members. It was an emotionally difficult time for us. Her last words to me stung deep; “Daddy, will you miss me when I am gone? Will you still love me when I leave?”
Two months later, and it still hurt; I still cried.

“Will you still love me when I leave?”
I wanted to find her, to reach out to her, and to tell her, “Yes, Maddie. I will still love you. I will always love you.”

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My friend, I have a bit of bad news for you. It really does not get any easier when children move from your home, and leave your family. But guess what? It shouldn’t get any easier. This is how it really should be. If you experience grief and loss when your foster child leaves, this is a reflection of the love that developed between you and your child; a reflection of the love that you gave a child in need. As you know, children in foster care need us to love them; they need us to feel for them. When they leave our homes, we should grieve for them, as it simply means that we have given them what they need the most; our love.

I have watched over 60 children come to live with me and my family, and then move to other homes. Each time, my wife and I have grown to love these children, caring for them as if they were our very own, and treating them the same as all the others in our home; biological, adoptive, or foster. Each time a child leaves, my wife and I experience a great sense of loss, even when we can be comforted with the knowledge that the children have gone to a good and safe home. There have been times when my wife has sunk into deep grief, crying for days. We have both spent considerable time on our knees, lifting up a former foster child up in prayer. There have also been those times when we felt a small sense of relief when a child left our home. A few years back, we had a sibling group of three children in diapers, all with challenging behaviors and conditions. For those four months, we were run ragged, worn out, and tired. When the children left our home, to be returned to their mother, both my wife and I cried. At the same time, though, we felt that a burden had been lifted off of our shoulders, that we could breathe and relax a little, and focus on our own children some more.

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Saying goodbye is never easy for anyone, and may be especially difficult for you and your foster child. After your foster child leaves your home, you may feel like you never wish to foster again, as the pain is too great. The grief you feel may be overwhelming. Please remember this though, my friend; you are not alone. It is normal for foster parents to feel loss and grief each time a child leaves a home. Take time to grieve, and remind yourself that you are not in control of the situation. Thanks for caring for children in need. Thank you for caring for children in foster care.

And please remember this.  it is okay to cry as a foster parent.

It means that you gave the child what she needed the most; someone to love her with all your heart.

-Dr. John

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11 Statistics that will Startle You about Children During National Children's Awareness Month

6/8/2020

4 Comments

 
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​June is National Children's Awareness Month. 

Today's statistics are grim about children.  
In the United States each year:

-5 Million experience domestic violence in their homes. 
-5 children die each day from abuse.
-78% of all child fatalities are 3 years old and under.
-Two-thirds of the people in treatment for drug abuse report being abused or neglected as children
-30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.
-1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will be sexually abused before they reach age 18.
-460,000 children are in foster care,
- 300,000 are victims of Human Trafficking, 
-Almost 65,000 children are sexually abused.
-Children who experience child abuse & neglect are approximately 9 times more likely to become involved in criminal activity. 
-30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.

Yet, much of this goes unheard.

To be sure, many of the protests that are happening around the United States of America, and across the globe are justified, and warranted.  I wonder though, when we, as a society, will begin to truly bring attention to children; children who have no voice and no one to protest for them.


So many countries, in this 21st century, still do not give value to the rights of children.  Children across the world are suffering from the hands of parents, from family, from adults, and from governments!


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​
In the United States, we pride ourselves on caring for Human Rights.  We march in the streets, protesting the rights of gender and gender identification.  We wear heats as we protest to the government about equality.  We wave flags to for equal rights.  Yes, human rights has become an important issue; one that fills people with passion, and even with acts of violence.

Yet, as a nation, we still have it wrong.  We still don’t truly value the rights of children.
Studies show that up to five million children in the United States experience and/or witness domestic violence each year. Children in our nation are suffering from an epidemic of child abuse from those who proclaim to love them the most.
 

Children today, in the very city you live in, are victims of horrific crimes. As you read this, there are children who are falling prey to child sex trafficking  As you sip your morning coffee, there are children who are being abandoned by those who profess to love them. As you watch your favorite reality tv show, there are children  who are being abused so horrifically that many of us turn away; the reality of it too gruesome for us to acknowledge. Furthermore, these abusers and perpetrators may be your colleagues at work, members of your church, your neighbors, and even those who come to your annual family reunion. 

People you know.  People YOU know are abusing a child in some way.

So, I ask you this.  Where is the outcry in our own nation?  Where are the people marching in the streets for child abuse?  Where are the hats and the signs to bring awareness about child sex trafficking here in America?  Where are the loud voices protesting the government to give rights to children? When will we fight to protect the children in our own nation. When will the rights of children become part of the Human Rights Movement?

Perhaps that outcry needs to belong to you.  Perhaps there is a child, right now, who is waiting, and even praying, that you fight for their human rights.  It is happening across the world.  When will it happen, TRULY happen, in your state, in your city, in your neighborhood?

It starts with me, and it starts with you.

Let's fight together. 

​
-Dr. John
​

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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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