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Why you NEED to say "No" as a Foster Parent.

6/30/2019

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​        It was a very difficult, almost impossible, word for "The Fonz" to say on the classic TV show "Happy Days."

        Maybe, it is a very difficult, almost impossible, word for you to say at times.


       The word “No” has been a difficult one for me as a foster parent whenever we got “the call” for a placement of another child.
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    Indeed, for my first 14 years as a foster parent, I felt guilt whenever we had to tell a case worker that we were unable to care for the child that needed a home, at that very moment.  I have had to say no on a few occasions over the year, and would be saddled with guilt for a time afterwards.    With the lack of foster homes in the area I live in, along with the increase in the number of children being placed into care, my wife and I have taken in child after child, signing waiver after waiver.  A few years ago, we had 11 children in the house. Two years ago, we had 9.  This time last year, we had 8 children.   Yes, we were running on fumes; exhausted each day from the many emotional needs and challenges the children brought into our home and into our families.  Make no mistake; we loved what we were doing, and we felt called to do so.

                Yet, we were tired.  We needed a break.


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          Soon after this, a rather strange thing happened.  Four of the children in our home went off to college. We had been caring for some older youth, all seniors in high school, who had nowhere else to stay, no one to care for them.  It had been a rough 12 months, yet it had also been an adventurous one, as well.  And then, within a matter of days, the four older ones in our home were off on their own adventure.  While we still call them, visit them, and love them, they are starting exciting new chapters in their lives, and we shall continue to support them in so many ways.  What I found, though, was an exciting adventure was about to start for my wife and I.

             For the first time, in 15 years, we only had 4 children in the home; a biological son and three children we had adopted from foster care.   We found the house much quieter, much more peaceful, and we embraced it.  The past few weeks have been as if we were on vacation; as if we were on respite care.
 (I can only imagine that this what having an "empty nest" felt like.)  It has been a time to re-charge those batteries, reconnect with each other, and reconnect with our children.  It has been a time where we could find rest, for you see, we had reached a stage bordering on being burned out.

            More importantly, it has reminded me that foster parents do indeed need rest from time to time.  Indeed, foster parents DO need rest and a time of reprieve, every now and then. 

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        The life of a foster parent is a difficult one.  It is unlike any other life style.  The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a  daily, and sometimes hourly basis.  Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through.  Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it  a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange, and question why you do it.

         You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained.  There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child.  The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off.    You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated.   You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments.  Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities.  Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks. 

        So, it is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life.  As a foster parent, you NEED to take care of yourself.   You NEED to ensure that you are watching out after yourself, finding the time you need for you, and the help you need to care for not only the children in your home, but for yourself and your family.  If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

-Dr. John

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The Support you MUST have as a Foster Parent

6/5/2019

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I hear it from foster parents all the time.

Yet, so many foster and adoptive parents don't recognize this need.  Look at what this foster mother told me.

"I don't know what to do.  Dr. John, I am so confused!"


The foster mother stood in front of my resource table, tears in her eyes, voice shaking.  It was clear she was at a crossroads in her foster parenting experience, and she was questioning if she could even continue caring for children in  her home.

With as warm as a smile as I could place upon my face, I tried to reassure her.  "I am so glad you are here, and believe me, I understand what you are experiencing  I have been there, myself.  You have taken the first step in trying to find help," I said, sweeping my open hand across the room.  "You are here, at the National Foster Parent Association's conference, surrounded by hundreds of foster parents, and where you will find others who are going through the same experience as you are, facing the same challenges as you are.  Let me introduce you to a friend of mine, who I think can better answer some of your questions, and I think can point you in the right direction."  I then led her across the crowded room to another table, and introduced her to a friend of mine, a foster parent with years of experience.  

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I admit it freely.  I can't do it by myself, and I don't have al the answers when it comes to foster parenting.   That's just one reason why I surrounding myself with other foster parents.  Whether it is at my own local foster parent support group, that meets once a month, or when I meet other foster parents as I travel across the nation, speaking at events, and holding training seminars at private agencies and state led foster parent conferences.  No one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent.

There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation.  A few of these organizations may be national ones, like the National Foster Parent Association's annual conference I was a part of, leading some training seminars, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent.

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Many associations meet once a month, while others may meet every other month.  It is important that you attend these meetings, as it not only keeps you connected with other foster parents, and the resources they might have, but many associations include training during their meetings.  Training will take several forms; CPR certification, drug and alcohol awareness, behavior modifications, etc.  The hours spent in training will go towards the yearly amount of hours needed in order to remain certified as a foster parent.

When some of my friends and family members wonder why I continue to bring children into my home, or tell me they could never do what I do for some reason or another; when I grapple with a the grief of a child leaving my home and family; when confusion and frustration from a flawed system threatens to sweep over me; for whatever situation I might be struggling with as a foster parent, I know that I can find a listening ear, and understanding heart, and a comforting word from my fellow foster parents, both at the local and national level.

If you do not belong to some type of foster care support group, some form of foster parent association, I encourage you to do so.  If there is not one in your area, it may be the time for you to take that lead, and create one yourself.  It is not a difficult task, and I write about it in the book The Foster Parenting Manual.  If you are still unsure, contact me, and I can give you some suggestions.

So with all this mind, I thank you. Thank you for being there for me.  Thank you for helping me, as I try my best to help children in care.

-Dr. John
​
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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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