Can I share something with you?  Being a parent has been the second best thing I have ever done. The first, of course, was marrying my wife!  To be sure, being a parent has made me a much better person, in so many ways. 

Yet, the road to being a parent for me took a sad path in the beginning.  My first child died of a disease known as Anencephaly, a condition where the brain, scalp, and skull never truly form.  When my wife gave birth to our child, she was in labor for 92 hours before our first daughter was born.  When my wife gave birth to our child, the tiny infant died immediately upon reaching oxygen.  The next several months saw my wife and I both suffer from overwhelming grief.  We both reacted differently with the loss of our first child.  Kelly grieved in a healthy fashion, while I did not.  I remained in denial for quite some time, in fact for the next two years. I buried myself in my work, refusing to grieve or feel sadness.  It was not healthy for either I or for our marriage.   Since that time, my wife has given birth to three healthy children, and we have adopted three more from foster care.  Furthermore, we have been foster parents to dozens of more children, as we have tried to help children in need.  As a result of our first child dying, I have come to realize that the gift of children is a precious one, and that the responsibility of raising children is one that is so very important.

There have been those moments when I have questioned whether or not I was making a difference.  There have been those times when I have grown frustrated with the system, as I have had to stand by and watch some of the children in my home go back to environments and situations which I knew that were not healthy or safe, for that matter.  To be sure, I have also watched my wife’s own doubts, and her desire to no longer foster, as her heart had been broken numerous times from the many children she had grown to love, only to see them return to homes where the children were once again placed in jeopardy.  It is the same for so many foster parents who have shared their stories with me.  I have heard from foster parents who lose sleep each night for weeks and months on end, trying to calm and soothe a baby born addicted to crack, heroin, or meth.  I have heard from foster parents who have been yelled at on a daily basis from foster teens who are so emotionally upset by their own experiences that they take it out on their foster parents.  I have heard from those who have been told one day they could adopt their foster babies, only to be told another day that the baby would return instead to a biological family member the child had never met.  The stories are countless, the stories are heartbreaking, and the stories are never ending.  Surely, there is no earthly reason to be a foster parent.  So, why do we do it?  For many, like my wife, we are answering a call.  The call to take care of children who are hurting, who are scared, who are in need.

 

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As a foster parent myself, I want to remind you that what you are doing is important. What you are doing matters. What you are doing is truly making a tremendous difference in the lives of children in need.  Though you may feel exhausted at times, and though you may feel that you are not making an impact, you are changing the life of a child.  You are planting a seed in the life of a child in foster care that WILL grow, and WILL bloom.  You may not see this transformation while the child is living in your home; this seed may not blossom until much later, but it will blossom if you plant it with love, water it with your tears, and nurture it with your time and compassion. 

            Sometimes, we may not be able to save a child from having a horrible and tragic experience before they come to live with us.  Yet, we are given the chance, as foster parents, to save them from experiencing other future horrors, and taking them away from dangerous situations.  Without a doubt, this is a joy itself.   As a foster parent; indeed, as a parent, you are making a difference!  You are saving a child from harm!  It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care.  There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.  May you have the strength and resources, compassion and support; and may you continue to change the life of a child in foster care.

 

 

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I am often asked how I do it.  How I am able to take care of so many children at one time; how I have time to do all I do.  To be honest, my wife and I can certainly not do it by ourselves.  To be sure, during this time of Christmas and holidays, it seems even more difficult and challenging, at times.  To tell you the truth, we do it with help. 

There is a lovely couple at my church that has a heart for children in foster care, yet are unable to be foster parents themselves.  For years, now, they have watched my wife and I take care of dozens of children, some staying for a few days, while others staying for several months, and even years.  This couple has been a blessing to my wife and me each Christmas, as they have taken the mantle upon themselves of being our “foster grandparents.”  Each Christmas season, they purchase presents for every foster child that is in our house.  This has helped my wife and me ensure that our children in foster care have an extra special Christmas day, as we share both the message and joy of the meaning of this special day, as well as the joy of receiving gifts under the tree; gifts with a child’s name on it.  Sadly, far too many children in foster care have never had gifts to open on December 25th before coming into care.  

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 My wife and I try to make it a day that the children both never forget, and one that they are able to escape their pain and suffering and simply revel in being a child.  Our “foster grandparents” help us accomplish this.  Like our dear friends have done, others can reach out to the foster parents in their community and “adopt” a child during the holiday season, or other times of the year. This might also include helping out school supplies at the beginning of the school year, birthdays, paying for school field trips and summer camps, and other activities that are special to the child.  Indeed, many foster parents simply cannot afford to provide all of the opportunities to their foster child; opportunities that help the child escape from their trauma, and opportunities to heal from their suffering.   When others come together to help the child in such fashion, they are also giving a blessing to the foster parents, as well.

Recently, I have had the blessing and wonderful opportunity to speak to businesses, organizations, and churches across the nation about how they can help children in care.  During these key note speeches of mine, I have seen people moved to tears from the stories I have shared with them about foster children.  I have listened as others have told me of their inability to have children of their own, yet felt the call to help other children.  I have even sat by those who have told me through tears about their own experiences when they were abused and abandoned as a child, and wanted to help those children today who are experiencing a similar fate.  In all these occasions, I have seen others looking for ways to reach out to foster children, seeking ways to protect and care for them.

 For you see, not everyone is called to be a foster parent.  As you know, not everyone has the skills to bring children into their home and care for those in need.   To be sure, we are all given different skills and talents; skills and talents that allow us to help children in care.  It is my hope during this Christmas and holiday season that you discover your skills and talents, and that you use these skills and talents to help children in foster care.  Whether you are a foster parent, a social worker, or one who simply cares for all children and want to be a stronger advocate for them, may you share your Gifts with others, not only during this Christmas and holiday season, but beyond.

-Dr. John DeGarmo

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