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What your Foster Child Needs to Hear from You.  Today!

1/31/2018

2 Comments

 
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I recently came across a post on social media stating that it was harmful for children in foster care to hear the words “I love you” from their foster parents. 

Sadly, I have found over the years as a foster parent that so many children have never heard these three important words. Yet, these three words are the most important words that they need to hear. Indeed, one can never say “I love you,” to a child enough times. They need to and deserve to hear it several times a day. “I love you,” reminds children that they are valuable, that they matter, and that someone truly cares for them.

As a foster parent of over 50 children, I have loved being a foster parent, and I have found one thing is true. Like all children, a child in foster care has one true wish and one real desire, more than possibly anything else, and that is to be loved. As foster parents, we can protect the child from harm, provide a safe and secure home, offer nutritious meals, and open up a doorway of opportunities for foster children, granting them new and exciting experiences that they may never have dreamed of. Yet, with all of this, with all of the wonderful opportunities and safe environments, foster children really crave love the most. They want to be loved, and they need to be loved. After all, every child deserves to be loved.

Not only do children deserve love, they need it in order to grow in a healthy fashion. The greatest gift you and I have been given is love. While there are many forms of love, the strongest one, and most important for a foster child, is that of unconditional love. Sadly, many children in foster care either do not receive this love at all, or receive it too late, after too much emotional damage has been done.

Children in foster care often come to our homes with a variety of illnesses, lice, scabies, and a host of other problems, due to previous living conditions, as well as neglect. Many times, these children also suffer from mental health issues. These might include anxiety related disorders, anger issues, panic disorder, depression, and so forth. To be sure, there are high levels of mental health problems with children under foster care.


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For a foster child who may have been abused, beaten, or neglected, this type of love is most important.  Without this type of love, a foster child will not form necessary and healthy attachment with others, resulting in a number of attachment disorders.  Emotional difficulties such as a of lack of self worth, trust, and the need to be in control often result in the lack of unconditional and healthy parental love.  As anyone who has worked with children placed into foster care will tell you, most of these children in need face an enormous amount of emotional issues, many times stemming from the lack of healthy love.

Let there be no doubt; children in foster care need stability, security, healthy diets, education, and a strong advocate fighting for them. Yet, what they need the most is for you is to love them. Despite all their challenges; despite their conditions; despite whatever label society might place upon them.

They need you to love them.

And they need to hear those words from you and from me.

With this in mind, it is especially important for us, as foster parents, to communicate that we love the child in our home  at all opportunities, and in a variety of ways.   A strong foster parent is one who is not afraid to say “I love you” to his or her own spouse, to his children, and to her foster children.  These simple words, these three words, can make a significant difference to a child who has only known violence and abuse.  Along with this, we need to be nurturing to the children from foster care in our home, as well.  

As I wrote in the book Faith and Foster Care, years later after a foster child has left your home, he may not remember your face. He may not remember your name. Yet, that child will remember one this; that he was important, and that he was loved. Thank you for loving children in foster care. Thank you for changing the world, one child at a time.


-Dr. John

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2 Comments

A New Year's Message for Foster Parents Like YOU!

1/3/2018

1 Comment

 
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The rewards and joys of being a foster parent are endless.  I have been able to watch a four-year-old girl smile for the first time. I mean, truly smile, for the first time in her life, after years of horrific sexual abuse by her grandfather. Then there was the blessing of helping a six-year-old boy, learn how to laugh, slowly at first, as if he were too nervous to allow himself to find joy in life; a six-year old boy who had only known harsh, physical abuse by both his parents; those sworn to protect and love him. There was the joy of helping a 17-year-old boy, abandoned by his mother, discover that he does have value and worth in his life, that he is important, and that he can accomplish great things.  After living with us for nine months, we had the joy of watching this 17-year-old boy graduate from high school, and enroll into college, thus beating the odds against him.

Foster parenting has been a tremendous gift to me. And I bet it has for you, as well.

Perhaps you have the desire to help out children who suffer from abuse or neglect,neglect.  Maybe you feel compassion for children who face malnutrition or even drug -related problems passed on from a mother’s addiction. Possibly, your heart goes out to those children who are rejected by those who were supposed to love them most: their parents.. After all, you feel that every child deserves the right to be in a healthy and supportive home, and most importantly, every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. As a foster parent, you have the opportunity to help these children in need. When you foster a child, not only do you invest in the future and well-being of a child, you are also changing the life of that child.

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To be sure, there have been those placements that have been more difficult and more challenging than others,  — placements that have left both my wife and I weary and exhausted.  Sometimes, we may not be able to save a child from having a horrible and tragic experiences before they come to live with us. Yet, we are given the chance, as foster parents, to save them from experiencing other future horrors, and taking them away from dangerous situations. Without a doubt, this is a joy itself. As a foster parent,; indeed, as a parent, you are making a difference! You are saving a child from harm! It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care. There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.

As we begin this new year, I want to remind you that what you are doing is important. What you are doing matters. What you are doing is truly making a tremendous difference in the lives of children in need.  Though you may feel exhausted at times, and though you may feel that you are not making an impact, you are changing the life of a child.  You are planting a seed in the life of a child in foster care that WILL grow, and WILL bloom.  You may not see this transformation while the child is living in your home; this seed may not blossom until much later, but it will blossom if you plant it with love, water it with your tears, and nurture it with your time and compassion.  

It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care.  There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.  May you have the strength and resources, compassion and support; and may you continue to change the life of a child in foster care.

-Dr. John 

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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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