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The Reason Your Heart Hurts SO Much

8/31/2018

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I once spoke to Julie, a foster parent, who had suffered great trauma and abuse herself as a child. As tears rolled freely down her face, Julie told me that she had been raped several times by her older cousin when she was between the ages of 7 and 9. She came from a family that did not discuss such things, and when she tried to approach members of the family, it was swept under the carpet. She never was able to find the therapy or help she needed. Years later, when Julie was a foster parent, a young girl was placed into her home, a young girl who had been raped by a member of her family. As this foster mother cared for the little one in her home, Julie’s own trauma from her personal history resurfaced, triggering feelings and pain she had tried to forget and never really addressed.

Perhaps you are like Julie in some way. Perhaps you have experienced a traumatic event in your life or have suffered from personal loss. When you care for others who have experienced similar trauma to your own, your own past experience might be triggered, making you more at risk for internalizing the trauma of the child you are looking after.
 
Our Our Personal Trauma.  It is one reason for Compassion Fatigue.  A very real condition for foster parents and caregivers is Compassion Fatigue, also known as Secondary Traumatic Stress, or STS. Dr. Charles Figley states that Secondary Traumatic Stress is “the natural consequent behaviors resulting from knowledge about a traumatizing event experience by a significant other. It is the stress resulting from helping or wanting to help a traumatized or suffering person.” As foster parents, we are likely to experience some sort of emotional or physical response to the variety of stresses and anxieties when we care for those who have suffered from abuse, neglect, and trauma. Indeed, we are often at risk of STS, or Compassion Fatigue, as we not only work with children who have suffered trauma and anxiety, but live with these children 24 hours a day. It should come as no surprise to what one study found. According to a recent study by the University of Bristol’s Hadley Centre for Adoption and Foster Care, Compassion Fatigue is a condition that is widespread among today’s foster parents. There are other reasons why we, as foster parents, are at particular risk for Compassion Fatigue.

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Lack of Recovery Time
There is no mistaking the fact that there are not enough foster parents, certainly not enough to care for the increasing number of children being placed into foster care. That’s why foster parents, just like you, are taking in more and more children into our homes. When one child leaves our home and family, for whatever reason that might be, we often quickly get a phone call, asking if we can take another placement and another child, leaving us little time to breathe, to recover, and to grieve, if need be.

When we do this, we do not allow ourselves the time to recover. We do not allow ourselves the opportunity to distance ourselves so we can heal ourselves, and we are not allowed “time off” from an emotionally, mentally, and physically demanding lifestyle. Instead, we continue to care for children who are in such need of all that we have. We continue to listen to the horror stories these children have lived through, and we continue to hear, over and over again, similar stories form the children who come in and out of our homes. This not only wears you down and perhaps burns you out, but is also increase the risk for you of STS.

Empathy:
If you are like me, you feel for these children. You feel their pain, you feel their suffering. You take it on board, upon your shoulders and into your heart. My wife has told me countless times over the course of several years that she was not going to be a foster parent anymore due to the high level of grief and loss she feels when the children she has come to love leave our home. However, when the phone call comes, and she hears the story of a particular child who needs a home, she always says yes to the placement. She feels empathy for these children, just as you do. Yet as we feel for these children and their pain, we may over empathize or over identify with the children, and place ourselves at risk of internalizing their pain and trauma. I often do this myself.

As I write in the book The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Guide for Today's Foster Parents, you NEED to take care of yourself as a foster parent. You NEED to ensure that you are watching out for yourself, finding the time you need for you, and the help you need to care for not only the children in your home, but for yourself and your family. If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

​-Dr. John

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Unconditional Love Building a Stronger Sense of Self-Worth for Children and Youth in Foster Care-Guest Blog by Michelle Madrid-Branch

8/21/2018

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Difficult to place…

These three words identified me, within my foster records, as a baby girl who would be hard to place due to my ambiguous ethnicity and questionable beginnings. My social worker, in England, listed the names of the potential adoptive parents who had looked me over with a “negative reaction.” There didn’t seem to be any surprise that I had been met with this kind of response. My earliest history had marked me as an unwanted child.

I was the product of an affair. Neither my birth mother nor my birth father wanted to raise me. I was secreted away into foster care and marked, labeled, and tagged as lesser than other babies born into loving homes with parents who adored and embraced them.

I had been categorized as one of “those children” who—through no fault of my own—was marginalized because of the decisions and actions of my parents, along with the judgments of strangers. My parents had left me as an orphan, and the stigma associated with that title disfigured my sense of self-worth.

In America today, there are some 500,000 children and youth in foster care. They are America’s orphans. The ways in which we, as a society, respond to their circumstances and needs will most certainly influence how they view themselves, over the course of their lives.

I’m a grown woman, yet I still ache over the little girl—the first me—who was judged and diminished within my foster records. That girl had been relinquished by her parents, removed from her first life, and labeled as “strange looking, dark, unwanted, and difficult to place,” by those in the business of protecting and safeguarding children in the system.
Recently, I spoke with a U.S. Congresswoman who has a heart for foster kids. She relayed the story of a young intern who shared with the Congresswoman her struggles while in foster care and the trauma of being removed, time and time again. Home after home, rejection after rejection.

The young woman expressed how she had battled with feelings of worthlessness and depression, and had faced moments where taking her own life seemed a better choice than living the life she was in.

This young woman’s story is not an isolated one. Of the 500,000 children and youth in U.S. foster care today, how many of these kids carry around the weight of a scarred self-image? How many of them feel unseen and unheard? Invisible? How many of them find it hard to trust? How many of them feel lost and unloved on the inside? How many of them have been adversely labeled due to circumstances surrounding them that have absolutely nothing to do with who they are, or the potential that they hold?

All too often, we don’t ask these questions to those of whom foster care directly impacts: the kids. If we asked them, we just might hear what the Congresswoman heard. And, perhaps, that’s our fear. We’d have to look deep into a system that is set up to intervene when children are neglected and abused, and we’d have to see that this very system, although well-intended is—more times than we’d like to admit—causing the children it serves further harm.

Our government is parent to 500,000 orphaned-children. I wonder if it really understands their needs. If it asked its children, our government might learn that it’s hard to trust when life has shown you that people will leave, neglect, hurt, and harm you. It might also discover that living with the daily reality of rejection scars one’s self-image and sense of self-worth. Might those who govern genuinely look into the lives of these kids and experience just how unfair it is for anyone to judge them and label them? Would they be willing to stand in their shoes for just a moment?

Until you are willing to stand in another person’s shoes, that person does not exist to you because you don’t know their story. We need to stand in the shoes of America’s 500,000 orphans because they exist, and they should matter to every one of us.

Oh, how I wish that someone could have told me, as a foster child and international adoptee, that removal from the arms of my birth mother didn’t mean that I was bad. That removal was not of my doing. I wish that someone could have told me that I wasn’t unwanted. I wasn’t a broken child. I was in a broken situation. There’s a difference.

And, as much as I longed to find a way back to the girl who lived before intervention and adoption, I wish someone could have told me that home can’t be found at some specific place on a map.

Home is a state of mind. Home is a knowing, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that someone loves you and will always be on your side—even when trust comes hard and self-worth seems fleeting.

What if we committed ourselves to sharing these messages with the foster kids in our communities? Whether we foster them, adopt them, or mentor them, could we—together—help ease their burden and give them a stronger sense of self?

I understand that there are real and urgent reasons why children are removed and placed into foster care. I also know that one parent cannot adequately look after 500,000 children. It takes a village. And, I just want to wake that village up because we are powerful in numbers. America’s orphans need us not to slumber while they suffer.

It seems to me that, during these very fragile and confusing times in the life of a foster child, we might do a better job at reminding them of their worth and of their innocence. We might expand upon our own compassion and empathy to give foster kids what they really need: unconditional love. Because when a person feels seen and heard—without judgment—they feel valued. And, that goes a long way in building a stronger sense of self-worth for children and youth in foster care. These kids have never been difficult to place—society just hasn’t taken the time to stop, listen, lean in, and find them.

Michelle Madrid-Branch is an author, speaker, international adoptee, and global advocate for women and children; specializing in the areas of adoption, foster care, abandonment recovery, and identity reconciliation. She is the author of Adoption Means Love: Triumph of the Heart. Michelle’s mission is to ensure that the adoption community is heard, seen, valued, respected, and understood. To learn more about Michelle, visit: MichelleMadridBranch.com.


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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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