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How “NO” Can Strengthen Your Marriage for Foster Parents

10/31/2019

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My friend, your marriage and your relationship to your spouse or partner is so very important.  It’s even important to me!  You need to take steps to not only maintain your marriage and relationship, but also strengthen it.  Of course, this is important when you are both caring for children in foster care in your family, and when you are not. In other words, you need to focus and work on your marriage at all times.

How “NO” Can Strengthen Your Marriage
Time and time again, I hear from foster parents who tell me that they have a very hard time saying “no” when the phone call comes for a placement in their home.  They just find it hard to say “no, “ perhaps out of guilt, perhaps from the fact that they are afraid that if they say “no,” another phone call might not come.  I can relate.  My wife and I had a hard time with this for several years, as well.  It seemed that we said “yes” to every call that came our ways, despite the fact that sometimes we were just too tired and worn out to do.
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By now, I hope you recognize that there are times in your foster parenting life when it is okay to say No.  It is okay to take a break, and instead focus upon yourself, your children, and your marriage.  There are times when we are just too busy, that can’t even begin to think about tomorrow when there is so much to do today.  At this point, we no longer become helpful to the child who needs our help.   My friend, it is important for you to recognize those times when you can’t take anything else on, because you have enough to handle and take care of at the moment.  If you don’t recognize those moments and times when “no” is the right thing, at that particular stage in your life, then you will bring additional stress upon yourself, your family, and your marriage.  Learn the art of when you need to say “no,” so you don’t overburden, over stress, and overextend both yourself and your marriage.

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 It is important to have your own support group while. This applies not only for your personal life, but also as a foster parents, as we have seen.   A support group of fellow foster parents will also help to strengthen your marriage, as well.  As you find strength and wisdom from your foster parent support group, whether in a local foster parent association, through an online social media group, or through both, you will find that some of your stress and anxieties that come from being a foster parent to a child in need will ease.  This will, no doubt, help your marriage, as well.
 
The Power Of Respite
As I write this, a few months back, my wife and I took our first real vacation together, with no children, in over 20 years.  Let me share that again with you.  We took our first real vacation, as a couple, just her and I, child free, in over 20 years.  While it was only for a week, it was an incredible rewarding and enjoyable time, as we were able to reconnect with friends of ours from Europe. Don’t you know that when you are in an international marriage like mine, you end up having friends from every part of the world?  Yes, a part of me didn’t want to come back home, as it was so refreshing, and a much needed break for the two of us.  We were able to do so in part to respite care.  
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There are those times, of course, when foster families simply become exhausted, or “burned out,” if you will.  Perhaps the foster child has been in the home for an extended period of time, and the family has grown mentally, emotionally, and physically weary from care.  To be sure, this is a very real possibility, and is one that should not be ignored.  In order for the family to remain not only healthy foster parents, but a healthy family unit, they may merely need a break from care, an opportunity to “recharge their batteries,” and a chance to focus on their own family unit, lest it begin to suffer from exhaustion and lack of attention.  Respite may be the solution, as the child is placed into another foster home while the original foster family regains some of their strength, If your marriage is under duress, and you feel like you can’t continue much further, you might wish to consider this option.

​                          (Excerpt from The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Guide for Today's Foster Parents)

                               -Dr. John

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Love Is Action: Change Your World With Love by Rhonda Sciortino

10/15/2019

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Love changes people and circumstances. If you doubt that, consider the first time
you heard, “I love you,” or “will you marry me,” or “I choose YOU.” The feeling of being loved and valued, even cherished, changes us. You might even say it completes us.

Conversely, feeling unloved and unwanted changes us too. The feeling of being
unloved may be the worst emotion a person can feel. It makes you feel empty, like a big part of you is missing. Actually, it is. Humans need love. We need to receive it, and just as importantly, we need to give it. When we feel loved, we feel safe enough to be our true selves. Our authentic personalities emerge, and we (and everyone within our influence) finds out that we’re actually pretty awesome in our own unique way.

When we are loved and feel safe enough to be ourselves, that’s when living gets really fun because we can step out and try to reach for our biggest, most audacious dreams. Being loved doesn’t eliminate the fear of failure, but it provides a safety net that even in the event that we fall short of achieving our big, bold goals, we’ll fall softly into
the presence of someone who loves us regardless of our accomplishments, someone who knows our faults and failures and loves us anyway, someone who consoles us and celebrates our willingness to reach for the stars regardless of results.

We all know that love is much more than mere words. In fact, we’ve nearly worn out the word, “love.” We love ice cream, we love our new job, we love where we live. In our language and culture, we use this same word to describe how we feel about the people we care most about. We love our families, our children, our best friends, and so on. Anyone who’s ever been betrayed by someone they loved will tell you that real love is much more than words.

When someone says that they love us, we check to see if their actions match their words before we believe them. We all know that when a person says they love us but then puts us down, talks badly about us to others, lies to us, betrays us, or otherwise mistreats us, we question the sincerely of their words. We know that those words that we all long to hear, spoken by a “bad actor” are meaningless. We also know that the person who is always there for us, treats us with respect, and shows their concern in a meaningful, measurable way may not ever say the actual words, “I love you,” but their actions communicate volumes.

It’s always nice to hear, “I love you,” but if those words are not backed up by well- intended actions, the words are empty. If given the choice to hear the words, unaccompanied by sincere acts of loving kindness, or receiving the acts of kindness and love without the spoken words, we’d always choose the actions. The words are important, but the loving actions are the substance that changes people and situations.

Love is more than words.

Starting today, let’s be the ones to show others how to put our love into action. Let’s start with those closest to us. Let’s decide not to assume that other people know how we feel about them. Let’s make the effort to show them. By being the first to back our words with acts of kindness, mercy, and love, we will be improving our lives, the lives of those within our influence, and we will be modeling for others how to do the same. In this way, putting our love in action can have a ripple effect—hopefully one that never ends.

This world is a crazy and sometimes painful place. You never know what someone is dealing with, or when your words or actions will give the encouragement needed to make it through the day. Never underestimate your influence in the lives of others.

The new book, Love Is Action— Change Your World With Love, is full of rich wisdom and practical tips that will lift your spirits, give you hope, and stir you into action. By the end of this book, you’ll have many new ideas for improving your world by living a life full of kindness, generosity, and love. Some of the simplest acts of inviting someone to join you in whatever you are doing, offering to help someone with whatever they are faced with, or asking the powerful question, “what do you hope to accomplish between now and the day you leave this life?”

Love is best expressed through actions, and sometimes the most powerful acts of love are found in the simplest of actions. Regardless of where you are in life, what you have, or who you know, if you will put your love into action as you read through this book, you will enrich your life in ways you might never have considered.


​Rhonda Sciortino
, author of Love Is Action—How To Change The World With Love, used the coping skills from an abusive childhood to create two successful businesses that specialized in insurance and risk management of child welfare organizations. Rhonda is a National Spokesperson for Safe Families For Children, Chairperson of the Successful Survivors Foundation, and National Champion of the Love Is Action Community Initiative.
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How to Get Your Home Ready For Fostering

10/13/2019

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When you open your home up to children in need of love, you are doing a great service to the world. However, there is a little more you need to do to get your home ready for fostering, even if you are ready in your heart. 


Prepare The Bedrooms

When you foster, you need to be prepared for kids in a variety of age ranges to come into your home. With that in mind, you’ll need the furniture for any age range that you can handle.  No matter what age they are, you’ll need enough dressers to hold their clothing and a desk for them to do their homework. Try and keep these in neutral colors so that it doesn’t make the room feel overly masculine or overly feminine, and so the child can decorate the room the way they like it. 

Give them Space of Their Own

Foster kids often struggle because they don’t have a lot that is theirs alone. Try and help them to find ways to make their room their own through decorations. You can facilitate this by having corkboards available and craft supplies for them to use to make things that make the space their own. This is really important for helping them to feel at home and welcomed as a part of your home. 

Put Breakable Valuables Away

Kids are really good at breaking things, whether its an accident or not. If you have something that is both breakable and valuable to you, put it somewhere that is out of reach or out of bounds for foster children. That way, you don’t have to worry about them damaging something important, and they don’t have to worry about angering you. 

If there are things that you can’t put away, make sure to tell your foster kids to stay away from them so that they know what to avoid when they are playing or looking around. Setting boundaries is the best way to keep everyone in the household happy. 

Talk to Family Members About Expectations

No matter how old the members of your family are, you need to sit down and talk with them about what to expect when a foster child comes into the home. Foster kids often need a lot more love and take more time to feel comfortable when they’re in a new place. This means that all of you will have to give them the time and space to get comfortable in the home and with everyone else in it. By talking to your family members about what to expect and how they can help make the new child more comfortable, everyone will have a much better experience overall. 

More than anything, remember that you are fostering this child or these children out of love for humanity. Think about what you would have wanted if you were in their place and try to provide that for them.

Susan Austin is a family research specialist with
Family Living Today. A mother of three and small business owner in Texas, Austin spends her days juggling work and family life -- sometimes expertly, sometimes not.


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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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