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It's Okay To Say That Foster Parenting Is Hard

2/25/2017

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It’s okay to say it’s hard.

It’s okay to say that sometimes you just feel like no understands what you are going through.

Guess what.  It’s even okay to say that sometimes, you simply want to stop, that you can’t do it any more, that you are just don’t want to be hurt again. 

Yes, foster parenting can be difficult.

You see, I have been a foster parent for 14 years, now.   Foster parenting, without a doubt, has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  I can not imagine a more difficult and challenging life style.
 I have lived the life of a foster parent.   I have had over 50 children come through my home.  These children have been as young as 27 hours old, and as old as 18 years of age.  Some have stayed a day, while others have stayed up to two years.  I have had up to 11 children in my home, and at one time had 7 in diapers. 

The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a  daily, and sometimes hourly basis.  Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through.  Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it  a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange, and question why you do it.

 You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained.  There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child.  The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off.    You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated.   You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments.  Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities.  Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks.  There is a reason why many people are not foster parents, as it is often too difficult.  

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There have been those times where my heart has broken when a child left my home.  There have been those moments when I have questioned whether or not I was making a difference.  There have been those times when I have grown frustrated with the system, as I have had to stand by and watch some of the children in my home go back to environments and situations which I knew that were not healthy or safe, for that matter.  To be sure, I have also watched my wife’s own doubts, and her desire to no longer foster, as her heart had been broken numerous times, as well, from the many children she had grown to love, only to see them return to homes where the children were once again placed in jeopardy. 

It is the same for so many foster parents who have shared their stories with me.  I have heard from foster parents who lose sleep each night for weeks and months on end, trying to calm and soothe a baby born addicted to crack, heroin, or meth.  I have heard from foster parents who have been yelled at on a daily basis from foster teens who are so emotionally upset by their own experiences that they take it out on their foster parents.  I have heard from those who have been told one day they could adopt their foster babies, only to be told another day that the baby would return instead to a biological family member the child had never met.  The stories are countless, the stories are heartbreaking, and the stories are never ending.  Surely, there is no earthly reason to be a foster parent.  So, why do we do it?  For many, like my wife Kelly, we are answering a call.


It is okay to say that it is hard.  It is okay to say that you can’t do it anymore.  It is okay to step away for awhile and take a break; say not to a placement; allow yourself time to recover and fill that cup back up again.

Yet, if you are like me, you continue to care for children because the need is so strong.  After all, there is a child in need, right now as you read this, who is in need of someone to say, “I care. I will take care of you.  I will love you.”

When we care for children in foster care, and bring them into our homes and families, we help to change their lives. Yet, at the same time, our lives are changed, as well; changed for the better.  I have become a much better person for each child that has come through my home.  

Do I sometimes want to say I can't do this anymore?  Yes, sometimes I do.  Yet, there is a child who needs me.  There is a child who will make me a better person at the same time, as well.   

-Dr. John 

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How Foster and Adoptive Families Have Changed My Life

2/8/2017

1 Comment

 
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Earlier this year, Adoption Today and Fostering Families Today merged with Fostering Media Connections, a non-profit organization focused on changing the child welfare narrative through quality journalism.

It seems fitting that the announcement and transition occurred in January as it’s also the fifteenth anniversary of my joining the staff at Adoption Today and Fostering Families Today. Fifteen years ago this month my life took a new direction – one that I never expected would give my life so much meaning. I was a young 20-something, a newlywed with ambition and drive to one day work at a magazine. And Richard Fischer, founding publisher of Adoption Today and Fostering Families Today magazines, gave me that opportunity.

When I started at Adoption Today and Fostering Families Today magazines I had no real connection to foster care or adoption outside of knowing a few people here or there who had adopted or were adopted. I couldn’t count my love for the book “Anne of Green Gables” that shares the story of orphaned Anne Shirley finding a family, as preparation for the job. I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into, but I was excited to use my journalism and design skills to enhance the publications.

Richard and his wife Annie founded the publications after adopting their daughters, Nicole and Jenna, from China. Struggling to find help for their youngest daughter from doctors and specialists who didn’t understand international adoption, Richard started a publication that would help families find support post-adoption. That commitment to offering support and sharing all perspectives in adoption – including the often unheard voices of birth parents, adoptees and foster youth – were important aspects of the publications.

Every day was filled with meaning as we all worked together to share information and advice from professionals about adoption and foster care.

A family-run business, Annie kept track of the books and subscriptions while Nicole and Jenna entertained us with their cute kid antics. Slowly we became an extended family, especially as I added my own children, Brianna and Hunter, to the mix.

But beyond that family grew an even larger family, a network of individuals across the country that Richard and I connected to through adoption. They shared their stories, their heartbreaks, their missions for justice and their heart for adoption. On any given day Richard and I would find ourselves moved to tears as we interviewed and shared the stories of countless adoptive families, adoptees and birth parents. Annie would answer the phone and spend an hour talking with a newly adoptive parent about the journey to their children.

One day in particular a local children’s author stopped by and ended up sharing that he and his wife had been struggling with infertility issues. I just happened to be designing a new cover of Fostering Families Today with two cute little boys that just captured my heart. Richard and I showed the author the picture, and watched in amazement as he instantly connected to those kids and called up his wife so they could start their fostering journey.

Adoptive parents, even our UPS driver, would bring their children into our office periodically and we would witness firsthand the magic of families created through adoption. To a child who was once living in an orphanage among hundreds of other children held lovingly in their new adoptive mom’s arms is in describable.

When Richard passed away Thanksgiving Day, he left a whole lot of heart behind. When sharing the stories of children who found families through adoption, tears would come to his eyes. When he heard stories of children in the foster care system who aged out with no one, he committed to helping make things better. He was a man of heart and action – his heart was always for the children and his action was the creation of two publications that would help foster and adoptive families raise their children.

It’s hard to capture what it means to work alongside someone like Richard, but in the end I’m thankful for the mission he gave me, that he helped me to understand that there’s so many adoptive families, birth parents and adoptees who need support and commitment to make things better. If I hadn’t taken that job “just to work for a magazine” 15 years ago, who knows what drab, unfulfilling stories I might be writing today.

I’m thankful for what Richard’s taught me and that I’m now able to continue his work with the help of Fostering Media Connections. With missions aligned, Fostering Media Connections will help these publications continue, grow and flourish and together we’ll take up the mission of the man with a big heart for kids.


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Kim Phagan-Hansel is the editor of Fostering Families Today and Adoption Today magazines (www.adoptinfo.net). She is also the editor of two books, The Kinship Parenting Toolbox and The Foster Parenting Toolbox. In 2014, Phagan-Hansel received an Angel in Adoption Award from the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute. She is also a wife and mother living in Wyoming. ​
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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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