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A New Year's Message for Foster Parents Like YOU!

12/31/2019

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The rewards and joys of being a foster parent are endless.  I have been able to watch a four-year-old girl smile for the first time. I mean, truly smile, for the first time in her life, after years of horrific sexual abuse by her grandfather. Then there was the blessing of helping a six-year-old boy, learn how to laugh, slowly at first, as if he were too nervous to allow himself to find joy in life; a six-year old boy who had only known harsh, physical abuse by both his parents; those sworn to protect and love him. There was the joy of helping a 17-year-old boy, abandoned by his mother, discover that he does have value and worth in his life, that he is important, and that he can accomplish great things.  After living with us for nine months, we had the joy of watching this 17-year-old boy graduate from high school, and enroll into college, thus beating the odds against him.

Sure, foster parenting is hard.  At times, very hard. Yet, foster parenting has been a tremendous gift to me, too.  And I bet it has for you, as well.

Perhaps you have the desire to help out children who suffer from abuse or neglect.  Maybe you feel compassion for children who face malnutrition or even drug -related problems passed on from a mother’s addiction. Possibly, your heart goes out to those children who are rejected by those who were supposed to love them most: their parents.. After all, you feel that every child deserves the right to be in a healthy and supportive home, and most importantly, every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. As a foster parent, you have the opportunity to help these children in need. When you foster a child, not only do you invest in the future and well-being of a child, you are also changing the life of that child.

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To be sure, there have been those placements that have been more difficult and more challenging than others,  — placements that have left both my wife and I weary and exhausted.  Sometimes, we may not be able to save a child from having a horrible and tragic experiences before they come to live with us. Yet, we are given the chance, as foster parents, to save them from experiencing other future horrors, and taking them away from dangerous situations. Without a doubt, this is a joy itself. As a foster parent,; indeed, as a parent, you are making a difference! You are saving a child from harm! It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care. There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.

As we begin this new year, I want to remind you that what you are doing is important. What you are doing matters. What you are doing is truly making a tremendous difference in the lives of children in need.  Though you may feel exhausted at times, and though you may feel that you are not making an impact, you are changing the life of a child.  You are planting a seed in the life of a child in foster care that WILL grow, and WILL bloom.  You may not see this transformation while the child is living in your home; this seed may not blossom until much later, but it will blossom if you plant it with love, water it with your tears, and nurture it with your time and compassion.  

It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care.  There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.  May you have the strength and resources, compassion and support; and may you continue to change the life of a child in foster care.
           -Dr. John

          Want MORE? Order your signed copy of the new book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families​​. Order your special copy HERE.
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Why Christmas and the Holidays are Difficult for Children in Foster Care....and how YOU can Help.

12/3/2019

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        You know the familiar phrase. ’Tis the season to be jolly.   Not for the roughly half a million children in foster care in the United States.   It is often a time of great sadness and despair., a time of loneliness and of rejection.  For these children, it is a reminder of so much anxiety and trauma in their young lives.  Many foster children are faced with the realization that they will not be “home for the holidays,” so to speak, with their biological family members.   It is a reminder that they are separated from their parents and family.

        I have a question for you.  Do you remember waking up as a child on Christmas morning?   If you were like me, you couldn’t wait to get your parents up, and dash into the room where your Christmas tree was.   Wrapping paper flying, screams of joy and surprise, great food, family surrounding you; it was truly a magical day. I imagine you have fond memories of it.  I also imagine that you probably carry on some of the traditions you grew up with, and share them with your own children, or even your grandchildren.  For most of us, Christmas is a time of family, a time of joy, and a reminder of God’s love for each of us. It is also a time where we hope and pray for peace on Earth, good will to all men.

         For children in foster care, though, it is a very different experience.  When they wake up Christmas morning, and are surrounded by people who just may be strangers to them, strangers who are laughing and having fun, it can be a very difficult time for them, indeed.  To be sure, it is a day that is a stark reminder to these children that they are not with their own family.  It is during the holidays when families are supposed to be together, yet these children in care are not.  They are not with their families, and they may not know when they will see them next. 


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            More than likely, a  foster child will have feelings of sadness and grief, as he is separated from his own family during this time of family celebration.   After all, he is separated from his family during a time that is supposed to be centered AROUND family.  Quite simply, they want to go home, to live with their family members, despite the abuse and trauma they may have suffered from them, and despite all that you can and do offer and provide for him.  Therefore, this time of holiday joy is especially difficult. 

        I witnessed something like this recently. We had a child in our home, Andrew, who had come from a house of horrors, along with his two other siblings. His mother was a meth addict, his father was never in the picture, and his house had no electricity, no food, no water, no plumbing, no heat, nor no air Andrew was often full of rage, and was openly defiant at times, while at other times was considerate and well mannered.
 
        Four months after his arrival into our home, Christmas rolled over on the calendar. As we do for everybody in our house, we celebrated this Christmas in a large way. First, my wife and I woke all of the children in our home singing “Merry Christmas”. I was a little surprised when his older brother and sister told me that they didn’t know the words to a classic and familiar Christmas song. Later that morning, when a present with his name was placed in front of him, wrapped in colorful and festive wrapping paper, our foster son simply stared down at it, then to us, and then back to the present. “What is it?” he asked. With smiles on their faces, and laughter in their voices, our own children then encouraged him to open it up. Looking down at it with a confused look, Andrew simply said, “I don’t know how.”

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        He didn’t know how. An eleven year old boy did not know how to open a present. Can you imagine? He had never had a present to open before. Not on Christmas, not on his birthday, not on a holiday. No one to tell him how special he was on the day he was born, and how much he mattered on the day that was supposed to be celebrated in his honor.

        So, how can you help this difficult time be more joyous? To begin with, foster parents can best help their foster child by spending some time and talking about the holiday. Let the foster child know how your family celebrates the holiday, what traditions your family celebrate, and include the child in it. Ask your foster child about some of the traditions that his family had, and try to include some of them into your own home during the holiday. This will help him not only feel more comfortable in your own home during this time, but also remind him that he is important, and that his birth family is important, as well. It is important to keep in mind that many foster children may come from a home where they did not celebrate a particular season, nor have any traditions in their own home. What might be common in your own home may be completely new and even strange to your foster child. This often includes religious meanings for the holiday you celebrate. Again, take time to discuss the meaning about your beliefs to your foster child beforehand.

        You can help him by allowing him to talk about his feelings during the holidays. Ask him how he is doing, and recognize that he may not be happy, nor enjoy this special time. Look for signs of depression, sadness, and other emotions related to these. Allow him space to privately grieve, if he needs to, and be prepared if he reverts back to some behavior difficulties he had when he first arrived into your home. After all, he is trying to cope with not being with his own family during this time when families get together. These feelings and these actions are normal, and should be expected. You can also help your foster child by sending some cards and/or small gifts and presents to their own parents and birth family members. A card or small gift to his family members can provide hope and healing for both child and parent, and help spread some of the holiday cheer that is supposed to be shared with all.

        This IS the season of giving, and we are all called to give unto others. With a little preparation beforehand from you, this season of joy can be a wonderful time for your foster child, one that may last in his memory for a life time, as well as in your memory, too.  After all, the gift of love is one that can be shared, not only during the holidays, but all year long, with the child, with the family, and with all we meet.  May you experience this joy and may you share it with others.
                                   -Dr. John

          Want MORE? Order your signed copy of the new book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families​​. Order your special copy HERE.

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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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