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Adoption From Foster Care: The Joy of a Growing Family

10/31/2017

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Over the years, my own family has been blessed with the gift of adopting three children from foster care.  These have been joyous events for my family, but there were also times of great anxiety, too, when it appeared that the adoptions might not go through as first planned. Fortunately, all three adoptions did take place, and my wife and I are now loving parents of six children.  Three of these are biological, three are adopted.  Three children are considered “white” by today’s society, while the other three are considered “black.”  In our home, though, there is no difference in color, as we believe that we are all the same color; just different shades of God’s skin. 
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When a child is placed into foster care, the initial goal is to have the child reunified with his birth parents, or a member of his biological family. To be sure, the initial intent of placing a child into care is that the placement be a temporary, with reunification the main objective.  Yet, there are those instances when reunification is not possible, and the child is placed through the court system for adoption.
Of the over 415,000 children placed in foster care in 2014, it is estimated that 108,000 of these foster children became eligible for adoption. Sadly, only around 51,000 of these children were adopted during that year, with over half of these children being adopted by foster parents, with the rest being adopted by family members, and a small percentage being adopted by non relatives.

There are several reasons why a foster child might be placed up for adoption.  First, the custody rights of the birth parents are voluntarily terminated; secondly, the custody rights of the birth parents are terminated by a court order; and third, the child is up for adoption due to the death of birth parents. 
 
As foster parents, there are many reasons why we are the ideal choice to adopt a foster child.   Many times when a child from foster care has his rights terminated, he has already been living in a loving and stable home with his foster family.  When we care for foster children, we raise them as our own for an extended amount of time, meeting his needs, and nurturing him since he was removed from his birth parent’s home.  Perhaps you are a foster family that cares for children with special needs.  If so, you are the ones most familiar with these needs, and have gained valuable insight and resources how to best meet them and care for your foster child.   Often times, we have formed strong, loving, and important attachments with our foster children while they are placed in our home.  If you are like me, our foster children sometimes become a member of our family, and when they are be able to legally stay with us, there is a time of rejoicing.  I must admit to you, though, that sometimes the adoption process can end in grief.  My wife and I have also suffered from two failed adoptions; two adoptions from the foster care system that did not work out, leaving my entire family confused, and in grief.  We are not alone in this, as so many families have suffered from this, as well. 

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Just because a foster child finds a forever family when he is adopted does not mean that it will be smooth sailing afterwards, or that there will not be difficulties or challenges ahead.  Help your former foster child and now permanent member of your family by working with him to understand why the adoption took place, and why he has a new family. Yet, the internal process for all involved can be a challenging one, especially for your child.  They may have a difficult time accepting the fact that they will never return to live with their biological parents or birth family members again.  It is necessary for you, as an adoptive parent, to allow your child time to grieve the loss of connection with his birth family.  He may very well need time to experience the stages of grief before he fully transfer attachment from his birth family to yours.

 Even though he may have lived in your home for some time as a foster child, he will likely re-experience feelings of loss during the adoption process. Allow him to discuss his feelings of grief and loss with you as you listen attentively to him, validating his feelings and emotions. If he should ask any questions about his biological parents or birth family, it is important that you answer them as honestly as you can.   At the same time, help him to transfer attachment from his birth family to yours by ensuring that he is included in all aspects of your family, and when possible, incorporate parts of his previous family’s traditions into your own, as it helps him to feel more comfortable.  After all, his birth family gave him his appearance and gender, his intelligence, his temperament, talents, and of course, his life.  These, of course, will never change. 

The adoption of three children from foster care has led to so many adventures, challenges, joys, and experiences for my family.  Just because we signed some paper work, making the children legally ours, does not mean that the new discoveries and challenges fade away.  On the contrary, we are learning new things about these children on an almost daily basis.  Perhaps the greatest discovery my family and I are learning is that the amount of love one can hold in a heart never seems to end.  My family has not only grown in size from these adoptions, they have grown in love, as well.  Surely, my cup runneth over.  Surely, I am blessed.

-Dr. John

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Guest Blog-Bill and Rosemary by Whitney Gilliard

10/16/2017

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“When it is dark I will always crack the door so there is light. When you feel alone, I will show you a picture of your son and remind you that you will never be alone again. When you feel unloved, look  at me and you’ll know without a doubt that you are loved. When you feel weak, i’ll show you a picture of the strongest people I have ever met- you. I was just thinking of how fantastic you are and wanted to tell you. Hope you are having a fabulous day sweetie.”- Love mom.


That was the text my foster mother, whom I now call mom, sent me one evening. I starred that that message long and hard and flashbacks came through of the times I was in foster care.

I was in foster care after running away at the age of 14. The home I ran away from,was filled with abuse day in and day out from a man close to the family. He later on committed suicide leaving me a letter that I never read. When I ran away I thought the pain was all over. I thought that I was finally free and is able to go to a good home. My biological mother was nowhere to be found. The birth certificates that was sent to her potential homes were sent back. A reminder that I was not wanted. I got into a lot of trouble growing up. I had problems with intimacy, the law, making friends, and school. Each day in foster care was a day waking up to watch the world around me collapse deeper and deeper into the earth. Every placement I was sent to confirmed the thought, that a life like this, is not a life worth living. Every medication I was forced to take was like suicide teasing me. Soon it just became dark when my biological father passed away. The world was dark and my heart was empty, and I am alone.
My education suffered tremendously. There was a time I actually said outloud “I never thought I would see so many letter of the alphabet in one report card”. But that didn’t matter, because in a few weeks or months later I would have to pick up my trash bag suitcase and go to another placement. Just before I went to high school year two couples came into my life and said enough was enough. Their names were Bill and Rosemary.

Bill and Rosemary walked into my group home with the biggest smile that I have ever seen on a human being. Their voice was chipper and their eyes glowed with happiness. I was not ready for the life that they had prepared for me. A life of success. From times of being disappointed and tired of being moved from one placement to another due to a bad attitude, I thought I would save them a trip. I was witty in my questions and just wanted to know why they are doing this for me. I knew that a parentless child with a background that was dirty as mud don’t belong to people like them. But since they day they said “we want to take you home and give you a good life”, they have done so ever since. My foster parents had to answer to questions that belonged to the people who placed me on this earth. They had to deal with pain that they didn’t create. They allowed their life to be messy because to them, I was worth it. After numerous times of not letting go, and not giving up on me. I found myself walking across the stage of my high school graduation, holding a diploma I would have never thought would be mine. A few years later, in the delivery room, there they stood holding my son as proud grandparents. The cycle of abuse and generations of pain have finally ended. All because a couple refused to give up on me.
I texted my mother back that evening and asked if I could call her. She said yes, and I did. I told her about my day and how her grandson was with potty training. After a life of emptiness, the evening’s call ended with “I love you sweetie, have a good night”. Ever since my parents came  into my life, I knew that no matter what tomorrow brings, I can make it.

Whitney Gilliard aged out of the foster care system, and is now a strong advocate for foster care. Whitney is a Lifecoach and a mentor.  Find out more about Whitney at Whitney Gilliard and Company. 



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Yes, the Foster Care System Needs Help. Here's What All of us Can Do to Fix it.

10/3/2017

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You have seen the stories and reports.  Foster care is in a crisis state in America, due to several reasons.  More children being placed into care, more families addicted to opioids, not enough resources for case workers, not enough foster parents or homes for these children.

Yes, our nation’s foster care system is in a crisis state. So, how do we fix it?  What can be done?  Those are questions I hear all the time, and you may, as well.  To be sure, you probably also hear the same thing that I do from people who say they wish they could help these children, yet don’t know how.  Your friends, family, co-workers; those you know who ask you how they can help kids in foster care, and how they can help make the system better.

Of late, I have been giving this considerable thought, and have been in discussion with lawmakers from across the United States on this very issue.  If you read my book Faith and Foster Care: How We Impact God’s Kingdom, then you know that I firmly believe that everyone can help a child in foster care in some way.  Indeed, not everyone is fit to be a foster parent.  Yet, each of us has a talent or strength that we can use to help the children in foster care where we live.
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So, the next time someone asks you, “Is there anything I can do to help?” here are some suggestions you can give them.
 
-Become an Advocate
Perhaps the biggest impact one can make with those children placed in foster care is to become an advocate of change.  Do your research, and find out as much about foster care and foster children as you can.  Contact lawmakers, politicians, and publicity agents through means of emails, letters, phone calls, and other means of communication, you can then bring attention to the needs of children in foster care.
-Become a CASA
Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) for Children is a network of community-based programs that recruit, train and support citizen-volunteers to advocate for the best interests of abused and neglected children in courtrooms and communities. Volunteer advocates—empowered directly by the courts—offer judges the critical information they need to ensure that each child’s rights and needs are being attended to while in foster care.

-Helping School-Aged Foster Children
Supplies for school can be donated to local foster care agencies who work with children who will soon age out.  These supplies can include paper, pencils, pens, calculators, backpacks, and other school needs.  For those who are enrolled in college, bookstore gift cards and certificates can also be quite beneficial.

-Helping Those Who Age Out
When a child ages out of the foster care system, he is often alone without any resources or support system.  You can help those who age out be being mentors, donating clothes, food, and supplies, providing shelter, driving the youth to job interviews and other appointments, and being a support system.

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-A New Set of Clothes 
Far too often, a child is placed into foster care with just the clothes on their back.  You can help the child, and the foster parent, by purchasing clothes for the children.  For many children in foster care, it may be the first time they have ever received a brand new set of clothing to call their very own.

-Suitcases
When a child comes into care, all too often he comes with a black plastic bag containing the few items in his possession, gathered together quickly by social workers and even law enforcement officers, in a hurry to collect both the child and his possessions in a quick manner. The gift of a new suitcase can be sign that he does indeed matter; and that he has value.

-Respite Care
There are those times when foster parents will require a short term break from their foster child.  This break is often known as respite care.  You can be trained to become a respite care provider for the foster families in your area.

-Help for the Foster Parent
A cooked meal; running errands; helping out at Christmas time and birthdays, donating to a foster parent fund; helping to pay for summer camps and field trips for foster children. These are just a few of the many ways that you can help a foster family in your own area as they care for the children in foster care in your home town. 

-Faith Based Organizations
Perhaps there is a church or faith based organization in your area that is looking for a way to minister to others.  Maybe your own group is seeking ways to reach out to those in need.  There are a number of ways that faith based organizations can create outreach ministries for children in foster care in your own area.

-Dr. John

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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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