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It's Okay to Cry as a Foster Parent!

6/28/2017

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My tears flowed freely down my face.  My cheeks were wet, yet I wasn’t compelled to wipe the tears away.  Quite simply, my heart hurt.  My heart was broken.

It had been two months since Maddie, our last foster child, had left our home. The 4-year-old girl had been with us for just under one year, and had made a significant impact not only on both my wife and I, but on our own children, as well. She had very much become a part of our family, and there were talks about the possibility of adopting her. Sadly, as it is many times for foster parents, the 4-year-old was moved to another home, where she would be closer to her biological family members. It was an emotionally difficult time for us. Her last words to me stung deep; “Daddy, will you miss me when I am gone? Will you still love me when I leave?”
Two months later, and it still hurt; I still cried.

“Will you still love me when I leave?”
I wanted to find her, to reach out to her, and to tell her, “Yes, Maddie. I will still love you. I will always love you.”

My friend, I have a bit of bad news for you. It really does not get any easier when children move from your home, and leave your family. But guess what? It shouldn’t get any easier. This is how it really should be. If you experience grief and loss when your foster child leaves, this is a reflection of the love that developed between you and your child; a reflection of the love that you gave a child in need. As you know, children in foster care need us to love them; they need us to feel for them. When they leave our homes, we should grieve for them, as it simply means that we have given them what they need the most; our love.


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I have watched over 50 children come to live with me and my family, and then move to other homes. Each time, my wife and I have grown to love these children, caring for them as if they were our very own, and treating them the same as all the others in our home; biological, adoptive, or foster. Each time a child leaves, my wife and I experience a great sense of loss, even when we can be comforted with the knowledge that the children have gone to a good and safe home. There have been times when my wife has sunk into deep grief, crying for days. We have both spent considerable time on our knees, lifting up a former foster child up in prayer. There have also been those times when we felt a small sense of relief when a child left our home. A few years back, we had a sibling group of three children in diapers, all with challenging behaviors and conditions. For those four months, we were run ragged, worn out, and tired. When the children left our home, to be returned to their mother, both my wife and I cried. At the same time, though, we felt that a burden had been lifted off of our shoulders, that we could breathe and relax a little, and focus on our own children some more.

Saying goodbye is never easy for anyone, and may be especially difficult for you and your foster child. After your foster child leaves your home, you may feel like you never wish to foster again, as the pain is too great. The grief you feel may be overwhelming. Please remember this though, my friend; you are not alone. It is normal for foster parents to feel loss and grief each time a child leaves a home. Take time to grieve, and remind yourself that you are not in control of the situation. Thanks for caring for children in need. Thank you for caring for children in foster care.

And please remember this.  it is okay to cry as a foster parent.


It means that you gave the child what she needed the most; someone to love her with all your heart.

-Dr. John

For more on grief and loss, and all your foster parent questions, order your signed copy of The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.



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Guest Blog:  Jenn and TJ Menn

6/15/2017

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Last weekend my husband and I attended a life coaching conference called “Caleb’s Challenge” to prepare us for future career transitions. They took a broad approach toward big picture questions dealing with relationships, and capabilities each person possesses. 

I came into the weekend caught up in my daily grind. We have six foster children, four of those ranging in age from four to four months. I change diapers, kiss plenty of owwies, and put together Mr. Potato Head ten times before noon. I juggle homework, play dates, random appointments, and cooking dinner every afternoon. 

They asked us to draw pictures of who we are and I quickly scribbled a face with frazzled hair, a smile, cross eyes, and balls flying through the air. After three days at the conference, I’m pulled in just as many directions, but I came away reaffirmed that foster parenting is worth making a priority in our life, and here’s why. 


Relationships matter.
A big chunk of the conference devoted thoughtful attention to vital relationships. People are eternal and made for community with one another. 

When we decided to become foster parents, we knew we would develop sweet relationships with children. Now we see relationships with many people are deeper as a result of foster parenting. If you’re a foster parent, I imagine you can relate. 

First, the parenting relationship we’ve shared with foster children is extremely precious. Taking part in a child’s life change from floundering to flourishing brings nothing short of joy. Relating to the children has been the most gratifying ‘work’ I’ve completed. 

But foster parenting has also brought purposeful, flourishing relationships with others in the community—birth parents and case managers, our church, neighbors, our parents, therapists and teachers. We absolutely depend on other people who have helped meet our physical and emotional needs, who engage with each new child to make them feel settled, and who work diligently with children’s special needs. TJ and I are both more of an independent nature and it’s hard to ask for help, but foster parenting has brought an acute need for others, which has resulted in a grateful heart and many friendships. 

I feel relationally rich because of foster children opening the doors of our lives. 


Foster parenting brings significance.

Professionals who reach financial stability usually choose to transition their career focus into building either surplus or significance. Much of the life coaching tried to help attendees find what activity could bring them significance. They would give us fifteen or twenty minutes to brainstorm or check through lists. For TJ and I, the answer always came easily—foster parenting. 

It’s not that everyday I feel significant in foster parenting. Changing diapers and scheduling a dozen appointments a month doesn’t feel glamorous. But when I filled in a life map by identifying memories such as significant people, joys and pains, shaping moments, and obstacles overcome, I felt like I could just take a bold marker across the last decade and pen “foster parenting.” Engaging with these utterly dependent children to provide safety and well-being gives my days value. 


  I can handle the risk.

Several of the workshops built up to creating a personal mission statement. First, we identified our strengths in our personality, experiences, abilities, and spiritual gifts. Then, we highlighted opportunities before us such as issues, passions or people groups. Together, these formed a purpose for individuals to envision a desired outcome. 

One of the causes I circled was ‘at-risk children.’ Foster children are poster children for the term “at-risk.” In fact, by definition a state official must determine the child faces continued significant risk in order for the child to enter foster care. The workbook framed issues such as at-risk children, as opportunities. 

Then I had to answer the question, “How do I respond to opportunities?” High or low risk? People or projects? Routine or variety? And more.  As I circled statements such as “I can handle change,” “I thrive in chaotic environments,” and “I have motivation to overcome obstacles,” something clicked. The pairing of my own tolerance for risk, and the labeling of children as at-risk really rang within me. Foster children are facing change, coming from chaos, and facing obstacles.

So I ended up drafting this as my personal mission statement:

I am trusting God to use my faith and discernment to communicate and connect with foster children so that risk is transferred off the vulnerable onto me. 
And isn’t risk transfer what happens? My thoughts become more full of questions of how to handle xyz, my home becomes messier, my emotions get wound up. I feel the uncertainty. I mitigate their risk so they can rest from it. And by faith, I can handle it. 


These points aren’t unique to me.
Everyone is built up by connecting in relationships, everyone longs for a sense of significance, and if you’re reading this, you likely have the stability in life that can handle more risk. 


If you’re involved in the lives of foster children I hope these takeaways remind you that what you’re doing makes a difference—because when we step on a Lego in the middle of the night on the way to a crying baby or hear a teenager respond “whatever” to a simple question, it can feel trivial.  

If you’re not involved with foster children and feel like your life could hold more relationships, more significance, and more risk (like Legos on the floor!) then I would encourage you to take the first step today. Have faith to foster. The children are worth it. You have abilities, gifts, and experiences that equip you for foster parenting. 

Jenn and TJ Menn have welcomed twenty-four foster children into their home from multiple states across America. TJ is a graduate of the United States Military Academy at West Point where he serves as an Aviation Officer in the United States Army, and also teaches economics at West Point. Jenn graduated from Trinity College of the Bible and is a certified member of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors.  Jenn and TJ Menn are the authors of Faith to Foster. 

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Human Rights? We Have it Wrong: My Thoughts from the International Foster Care Conference

6/1/2017

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As I sat in the conference room, I listened closely to my translator that was attached to my ear.  Though some of what was being said that early morning was in Greek, I didn’t need the translator to tell me how impassioned the others in the room were.  It was evident that a movement was beginning; a movement to help children in need on a global scale.  A movement to change the face of child welfare.

I had been greatly honored to be a part of this international adoption and foster care conference.  Child welfare  and foster care experts from across the world gathered together by the shores of Marathon, Greece,  outside of Athens, as they took part in an historical international adoption and foster care conference.  Led by the Roots Research Center in Greece, these global experts focused upon one issue; the human rights of children around the globe during the two day conference, held in the last week of May, 2017.
 

The first day of this global conference was focused on adoption issues that plagued Europe, while the second day’s theme centered around foster care, and how so many nations across the world are really only just beginning to create their own national program.  Despite the fact that the foster care system in the United States is one that is faced with many challenges right now, those in attendance at the conference were eager to learn more about America’ s foster care system, and I was grateful for represent the United States with my presentation, and I was grateful for the partnership with Royal Family Kids Camps, who saw the importance of this international conference.  

Perhaps what struck me most about while at the conference was the knowledge that so many nations across our world still do not value children.  So many countries, in this 21st century, still do not give value to the rights of children.  Children across the world are suffering from the hands of parents, from family, from adults, and from governments!
In the United States, we pride ourselves on caring for Human Rights.  We march in the streets, protesting the rights of gender and gender identification.  We wear heats as we protest to the government about equality.  We wave flags to for equal rights.  Yes, human rights has become an important issue; one that fills people with passion, and even with acts of violence.

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Yet, as a nation, we still have it wrong.  We still don’t truly value the rights of children.
Studies show that up to five million children in the United States experience and/or witness domestic violence each year. Children in our nation are suffering from an epidemic of child abuse from those who proclaim to love them the most.
 

Children in the very city you live in are victims of horrific crimes. Today. As you read this, there are children who are falling prey to child sex trafficking  As you sip your morning coffee, there are children who are being abandoned by those who profess to love them. As you watch your favorite reality tv show, there are children  who are being abused so horrifically that many of us turn away; the reality of it too gruesome for us to acknowledge. Furthermore, these abusers and perpetrators may be your colleagues at work, members of your church, your neighbors, and even those who come to your annual family reunion. 

People you know.  People YOU know are abusing a child in some way.

So, I ask you this.  Where is the outcry in our own nation?  Where are the people marching in the streets for child abuse?  Where are the hats and the signs to bring awareness about child sex trafficking here in America?  Where are the loud voices protesting the government to give rights to children? When will we fight to protect the children in our own nation. When will the rights of children become part of the Human Rights Movement?

Perhaps that outcry needs to belong to you.  Perhaps there is a child, right now, who is waiting, and even praying, that you fight for their human rights.  It is happening across the world.  When will it happen, TRULY happen, in your state, in your city, in your neighborhood?

It starts with me, and it starts with you.

Let's fight together. 

-Dr. John

Want to know how YOU can help a child in need?
​Order your signed copy of  Dr. DeGarmo’s Faith and Foster Care: How We Impact God's Kingdom.  This is the book that is changing the face of foster care across the nation.



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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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