As I write this, my wife and I are adjusting to nine children, all living in our home.  The addition of three more children from foster care, as well as my three biological and three adoptive children, makes for a crowded, busy, and often times, noisy home.  The ages of the children are 16, 13, 13, 12, 10, 7, 6, 3, and 1.  To be sure, there is not a dull moment in my house, and my wife and I are having to truly work together, as a team, in order to ensure that no child feels left out, that all children feel important, loved, and heard.  Indeed, as a foster father, there are of responsibilities and expectations that I have on my plate if I wish to be a successful foster dad.  One of these responsibilities is ensuring that my wife does not become “burned out,” or too exhausted.

                Being a foster parent is a difficult task; perhaps one of the hardest things you will ever do.  The hours are long, the emotional toils are burdensome, the housework never ends, and the point of complete exhaustion seems to always be around the next corner.  Strong foster fathers appreciate this, and recognize that if his family is to remain intact, healthy, and strong, he must take steps to see that his own wife/partner has not reached that stage of exhaustion.  Indeed, a foster dad is one who places his marriage as a priority.  If not, the family will no longer be able to function as a foster family.  For me, the partnership with my wife is essential in so many ways, and I would not be a good foster parent if not for her. 

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            Although it may be difficult to schedule, foster dads need to try and have a Date Night with their spouse on a regular basis. I understand that this can be quite difficult, and I struggle to do this, as well.  Yet, whether this is once every two weeks once a month, or a similar example, spouses need to have time alone to re-charge their foster batteries, have time to talk without the constant interruption of children, and simply to re-connect with each other and listen to the wishes and frustrations each has.  If the partnership is to remain healthy, and the foster family a stable one, foster dads need to communicate daily with their spouse, if only for five minutes a day.  Anniversaries, birthdays, and other important dates should not be forgotten by the foster father, as this usually leads to some heavy apologizing afterwards.   Indeed, foster dads should make a commitment to their marriage and make time for it each day in some way.  Express appreciation for all the work your partner does.  Maintain a positive sense of humor.  Learn the fine art of compromise; practice forgiveness and learn to fight fair.  These are all practices a healthy foster father should employ.  Remember, there should be no shame in seeing a marriage counselor with your spouse.  Sometimes, a listening ear and a helpful word can aid in creating a healthier marriage.  There may be times when your spouse simply needs a break from the demands of being a foster parent.  A strong and wise foster father is one who allows the foster to spend some time by herself, or with her friends.  Shopping, a trip to the movie theatre, out to dinner with friends, or just some personal time by herself are necessary for her own well being.

            To be sure, your role as a foster father is an important one, and one that should not be taken lightly.  We are all an example for not just this child in need, but for his biological family members, our friends and colleagues, members of our community that we live in, and those in our own household.   As noted before, you may be the first and only positive male role model the child has ever had, and maybe the only one in his lifetime.  As foster dads, we need to step up and embrace this responsibility and not leave it to our wives and partners.

-Dr. John DeGarmo

For more information on foster parenting, buy Dr. DeGarmo’s The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home.

August 2013

My family grew by two more children last month, bringing our total to six children, both biological and adoptive.  Our two newest come to us through adoption from foster care, as did another of ours several years ago.  One of the joys I have found is that with all six of my children, I see no difference in skin color and no difference between biological and adoptive.  My love for them is equally the same, and equally as strong.

Of the over 560,000 children placed in foster care in 2010, it is estimated that 107,000 of these foster children became eligible for adoption.  Sadly, only around 53,000 of these children were adopted during that year, with over half of these children being adopted by foster parents, with the rest being adopted by family members, and a small percentage being adopted by non relatives.  For those children who are not adopted, many remain in the foster care system for extended periods of time.   Some of these children are moved to group homes, while others simply age out of the foster care system, never truly finding a family of their own and a place to call home.   Indeed, currently there are roughly 126,000 children in foster care who are ready for a forever home, an adoption home.

I certainly did not set out and plan on adopting these three children from foster care.  Indeed, over the 12 years I have been afoster parent, I have had over four dozen children come through my home, and only three were adopted.  In truth, my wife and I tried to adopt another foster child, but sadly, it did not come to pass, leaving all grief stricken and upset.

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Like I did four years ago when we adopted our first from foster care, I once again broke down in tears in the court house when the adoption pages were signed, due to the overwhelming joy I felt.  For these two girls, our home has been the only stable home they knew, as one child came to us at only a little over a year old, and the other when she was just 27 hours old.  For both, my family has been the only true family in their young lives, making the adoption process an easier one for all involved.


There are those time, though when adoption can be an emotionally difficult time for a foster child.  No longer will the child be able to hope for possible reunification with his biological parents, or even with other membersof his birth family.  Instead, the termination of rights by his birth parents might produce feelings of grief and loss within him, fears he had kept bottled within himself during the length of his stay in foster care.  He may even feel that he has betrayed his biological family as he legally takes the adoptive parents’ last name, as well as becoming a permanent member of the family.  You may find that the child revisits the stages of grief again, both during and after the adoption process.  Indeed, it can be an emotionally traumatic time for adults and children.


The adoption of three girls into my home has taught me much, and has filled my home with more laughter, more tears,and more learning experiences than I would ever have imagined.    To be sure, there are challenges involved, particularly the fact that all three children come from our small town of just over 2,000 residents, and we do not know who any of the birth fathers truly are. Yet, these challenges are far outweighed by the gifts of love each bringsto our home and to our lives.   We continue to foster children in need, and continue to love each biological,adoptive, and foster child with as much unconditional love as possible.  Each child is unique, each child is special,and each child is deserving of such love.

-Dr. John DeGarmo

For more on Dr. John's adoption story of three children from foster care, buy his NEW book Love and Mayhem: One Big Family's Uplifting Story of Fostering and Adoption.  Get your SIGNED copy HERE.

July 2013

A few months back, I had a foster teen placed in my home, one who came from a life of hardships and betrayals. To be sure, this young teenage boy had been lied to so many times by his mother and various step fathers, had been abused by some of the step fathers, and had been neglected by his mother for much of his young life. It was no wonder that when he was placed into my home, he did not trust me or my wife. Indeed, why should he trust us? This young boy, who had been hurt so deeply in various ways, did not know my family, and did not want to be placed into our home. After all, we were strangers to him. As a result, there were a great many issues of trust in our home for the first few weeks and months, and it resulted in a time of stress for not only my wife and I, but for all in the house.

When a child is suddenly taken from his home, and from his family, and placed in a home against his will, there are bound to be issues of trust. One way to combat this is to create a trusting and nurturing environment within your own home. Let your foster child know as early as possible that he is welcome in your house. Along with this, you will want to let your foster child know that your house is a safe one, and that he will not come to harm in your home. Not only do you want to let your foster child know this when he joins your family, it is just as important to remind him of this as often as possible. You want to show your foster child that you value him as a person, and that he is important. What he says, what he thinks, what he believes; your foster child needs to realize that all of these are important. For some children, this might be a new experience, as they have never been shown value before.

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Trust can also be built by showing your foster child that you care for him. Building a trusting relationship means showing your foster child that you are concerned for his well being, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Showing compassion for your foster child is an important part of building a healthy relationship, as he needs to know and feel that you care for him. After all, close relationships between children and adults is a central part of avoiding further risky behavior. Trust, though, does take time, and for some foster children, it may take a very long period of time. Remember, you are planting seeds, here; seeds of trust that you may never see come to fruition.

Dr. John DeGarmo

For more, purchase Dr. DeGarmo’s training book The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home.

May 2013

My plane trip to Texas was cancelled, leaving me standing in the terminal, alongside dozens of others, stranded without a flight. As I was scheduled to speak to a group of foster parents at a convention, I was anxious, and even a little stressed. Indeed, this was the second time in a month that I had encountered flight troubles. Just weeks before, I was stranded in Chicago, Illinois, snowed in and missing a flight to Iowa for a speaking engagement at their state conference. Certainly, there was not much fun in the conundrum facing me.

Refusing to miss the seminar I was presenting on the dangers of online technology and social networking that foster children face, I rented a car, driving the additional hours and miles. Not only had I been looking forward to working with the caseworkers and foster parents of that area of Texas, but I simply did not want to let people down, disappointing all involved. After all, I was scheduled to attend, made a commitment to do so, and it was my responsibility to see that I made it there. Fortunately, after some last minute changes in travel plans, I was able to make it, held some exciting seminars over the next few days, and met some wonderful people, all dedicated to helping children in foster care.

Unfortunately, there are those times when schedules do not go as planned, and individuals are let down. For children in foster care, this can be especially difficult when it comes to visitations with birth parents and biological family members. As one who has watched many of my own foster children come home from disappointing visitations, my own heart has broken, as these children struggle to figure out why their mother or father did not come to see them.

For children in foster care, visitations with family members are often an event that they look forward to with great eagerness. After all, they are seeing their parents or other family members, being reunited with them, if only for a very brief time. Often times, visitations are held at child welfare agencies, while other times they are held in neutral locations, such as restaurants, parks, and even faith based institutions. The time usually flies by quickly, and the child and biological family member are once again separated until the next meeting. Visitations are important for a number of reasons, and help to maintain the relationship between both child and adult.

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Yet, there are those times when a biological family member cannot make it, for whatever reason, and the scheduled visit is cancelled. Too many times, these children are left wondering why their parents did not show. Self doubt sets in, as they question if it was something they may have done, or perhaps if their parents were mad at them. Some may believe that their parents don’t care about them, and that they do not even matter. For all involved, it is another rejection, another painful experience, and another heartbreak.

When the child arrives back home, it is important that the foster parent be understanding. To be sure, the child will be filled with emotions and feelings. The child may come home confused, angry, sad, depressed, listless, distressed, frustrated, or any combination. Indeed, this will be a difficult time for many homes, as the child tries grapples with his feelings of rejection. It is most essential for the well being of all involved that foster parents give the child space, time, patience, comfort, and of course understanding. While child may be difficult and perhaps even lash out or misbehave, the child will need the stability and reassurance from the foster parents. Do not miss out on this appointment, do not be late to meet the child’s emotional needs.

-Dr. John DeGarmo

March 2013

 I have had a number of questions from readers across the US the past few months about the use of respite for foster parents. Respite care refers to one foster family caring for another family's foster children for a short amount of time. This type of short break gives the original foster family the opportunity to have a break. This type of foster care is especially helpful when foster children have behaviors such as seen in many therapeutic foster homes.

Respite can be used for a variety of reasons. To begin with, the foster family may need to attend to a family emergency, and may not have the ability or opportunity to take the foster children with them. This happened recently to a foster family I consulted. The family had a death in the family, and had to travel outside the state with only one day’s notice. As the foster child was one who had severe social challenges and disabilities, it was deemed by both the foster family and the child welfare agency that a funeral was neither a healthy fit nor an appropriate environment for the child. As a result, the child was placed in a respite home with another foster family during this time.

Another foster family I recently consulted was forced to place their foster child into respite for several weeks as the foster mother in the house battled an illness. As the foster father was often away at work, the foster mother was unable to properly care for the child during this time, and the child was placed into another home in the community. During this time, the original foster family remained in constant contact with the child, thus ensuring that the bonds of attachment, security, and love they had created earlier were not separated throughout the respite placement.


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There are those times, of course, when foster families simply become exhausted, or “burned out,” if you will. Perhaps the foster child has been in the home for an extended period of time, and the family has grown mentally, emotionally, and physically weary from care. To be sure, this is a very real possibility, and is one that should not be ignored. In order for the family to remain not only healthy foster parents, but a healthy family unit, they may merely need a break from care, an opportunity to “recharge their batteries,” and a chance to focus on their own family unit, lest it begin to suffer from exhaustion and lack of attention. Respite may be the solution, as the child is placed into another foster home while the original foster family regains some of their strength,

Indeed, it is not healthy for a foster child to move from home to home to home, in what is known as “Multiple Displacement,” the placement of a child from one home to another. Yet, there are those times when it might be necessary, whether this be due to unforeseen circumstances or to, as stated earlier, a time to “recharge those inner batteries.” Respite is an opportunity for foster parents to focus on their own family and their own challenges. This short break usually results in a healthier relationship between the foster child and foster family when both are reunited. To be sure, if you are considering respite care for your own family and foster child, do not feel guilty about it, as it is a service that is provided to foster families in times of need.

-Dr. John DeGarmo

Feb. 2013

I recently spoke at a foster parent association about grieving the loss of a foster child after the child is placed in another home, or returned to a biological family member or birth parent. Indeed, this is a very difficult part of being a foster parent, as relationships are made, attachments are developed, and love is shared. Any time a child moves out of a foster home can be an emotional one.

One thing that struck me about this foster parent association was the relationship they shared with each other. There was a great deal of laughing, both with each other, and at each other, in good nature, of course. It was apparent that the relationships between the members were strong ones, and that they enjoyed each other’s company. The foster parents felt relaxed, comfortable, and looked to be in good spirits.

Foster parents face stress and pressure from a variety of sources. It is often difficult to be a foster parent, which may be one of the reasons why there are not many foster parents currently serving. There is a strong need for good foster parents, yet the number of those who serve as foster parents continues to decline each year. One way to keep foster parents in service is to provide support. Foster parent associations can provide this support.

A good and healthy foster parent association is one where members can find the support they need from their fellow foster parent. Not only do foster parents understand one another better than the general public, they can appreciate what each has gone through, and can provide suggestions, help, and advice that applies directly to the situation, advice and help that others do not simply appreciate nor understand. Fellow members have probably “been there, done that,” before, and can offer advice based on their own experiences in the foster care system. An association can also be a place where foster parents can relax, unwind, and even share frustrations and grievances without having to be worried about judged or criticized by outside forces.

As foster parents across the United States, and in many countries, are required to have a certain amount of training hours each year, many foster parent associations host training sessions during their meetings. Resources and information can be shared by experts in particular fields, and foster parents can acquire valuable insight into various topics and areas that only applies to the foster care system.

There are those foster parent associations that meet in venues that provide child care, and even meals. For example, the foster parent association I belong to meets in a local church every other month. While there, we have a meal together, provided by the members of the church, a meal that is cooked and prepared for us beforehand; one less task that a foster parent has to do, thus making our job as foster parents a little easier that evening. Following this, the children are taken care of by these church members in a supervised location, while training sessions are held for the foster parents in attendance. The evenings are often ones I look forward to; prepared meals, supervision of foster children, fellowship with other foster parents, and training hours, all in one evening.

Indeed, if you are not part of a foster parent association, it would be wise to join one, as the benefits are many. If there is not an association in your area, it is not difficult to start one, yourself. Simply contact your local child welfare agency for help and assistance, search the internet for suggestions, or you may contact me for advice on beginning an association on your own. Take advantage of the fellowship, the training, and the support from a foster parent association. Cheers!

-Dr. John DeGarmo

I was speaking to a group of foster parents and foster children recently, and I was struck by something I had known for some time, but never really appreciated. Foster children are so very resilient.

During this speaking engagement, I listened to these foster children describe the many homes they had bounced around in for the past two years. One foster child, approaching the age of 18, spoke of the four homes she has been, and the difficulties she faced moving to home after home after home. Another young child, in her early teens, spoke about the difficulties she faced as she moved through four different school systems, in three different states. Both of these foster children were affected by what is officially known as “Multiple Displacement,” moving from one foster home to another.

I had a discussion earlier with Glenn Garvin, the Vice President of Camps for a wonderful organization called Royal Family Kids, an organization that focuses on sending foster children to a week long and life changing experience at a summer camp designed specifically for those children in foster care. Glenn shared with me his experiences with the thousands of foster children who had attended the camp over the past 25 years. Indeed, the stories he told me about some of the children sounded sadly familiar to the many that have not only come through my own home, but to those I have worked with. Foster children face unique difficulties and challenges.

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Being ripped from their homes, their families, their friends, schools, and all they know, and then placed into an environment that is, most often, strange and unfamiliar to them, and told that this new environment is to be their home for an unforeseen amount of time is a most traumatic experience. Couple this with the emotional, mental, and physical scars that foster children usually struggle with, and it is apparent that these children face challenges unlike any other group of children.

Yet, through all of these difficulties and challenges, I have found many foster children to be resilient fighters, toughened by the scars of their personal battles. Indeed, unlike children who come from traditional homes and traditional families, foster children have to depend upon themselves, many times, for survival; survival as they move from home to home, from family to family, from school to school. Moving in a world that is unknown, and frightening, to them, never knowing if or when they might one day be reunited with family, or with anything that is at all familiar to them. For the many foster children who graduate from high school, even going on to college; for those who leave foster care and are able to make a positive contribution to society; and for those who are simply able to make it through the day, it is remarkable. I wonder, at times, if I could have done the same if I was placed in their situation.

-Dr. John DeGarmo

Dr. DeGarmo's new foster care children's book is now available.  A Different Home: A New Foster Child's Story.

The Holiday season is upon us. Christmas, Hanukah, New Years, Kwanzaa; these are times that can be extremely difficult for many foster children. During this time of Holiday Cheer, many foster children are faced with the realization that they will not be “home for the holidays,” so to speak, with their biological family members. Along with this, foster children also struggle with trying to remain loyal to their birth parents while enjoying the holiday season with their foster family. Indeed, this can be a very emotionally stressful time for all involved.

As one who has fostered many children, myself, during the holiday time, I have found that it is important to address these issues beforehand. To begin with, foster parents can best help their foster child by spending some time and talking about the holiday. Let the foster child know how your family celebrates the holiday, what traditions your family celebrate, and include the child in it. Ask your foster child about some of the traditions that his family had, and try to include some of them into your own home during the holiday.

It is important to keep in mind that many foster children may come from a home where they did not celebrate a particular season, nor have any traditions in their own home. What might be common in your own home may be completely new and even strange to your foster child. This often includes religious meanings for the holiday you celebrate. Again, take time to discuss the meaning about your beliefs to your foster child beforehand.

More than likely, your foster child will have feelings of sadness and grief, as he is separated from his own family during this time of family celebration. You can help him by allowing him to talk about his feelings during the holidays. Ask him how he is doing, and recognize that he may not be happy, nor enjoy this special time. Allow him space to privately grieve, if he needs to, and be prepared if he reverts back to some behavior difficulties he had when he first arrived into your home. You may find that he becomes upset, rebellious, or complains a lot. Along with this, he may simply act younger than he is during this time. After all, he is trying to cope with not being with his own family during this time when families get together. You can also help your foster child by sending some cards and/or small gifts and presents to their own parents and birth family members.

If you have family members visit your home, prepare your foster child for this beforehand. Let him know that the normal routine in your home may become a little “crazy” during this time, that it may become loud, and describe some of the “characters” from your own family that may be coming over to visit. Remind him of the importance of using good behavior and manners throughout this period. Along with this, remind your own family members that your foster child is a member of your family, and should be treated as such. This includes gift giving. If your own children should be receiving gifts from some of your family members, your foster child should, as well. Otherwise, your foster child is going to feel left out, and his sadness and grief will only increase.

With a little preparation beforehand from you, this season of joy can be a wonderful time for your foster child, one that may last in his memory for a life time.

-Dr. John DeGarmo

While it may be almost impossible to fully protect foster children from the dangers online, there are a number of strategies that foster parents can implement in order to better protect their foster child from these threats. As children across the globe have access to computer technology at a young age, it is important to set up rules and expectations early. Foster parents of elementary children need to set clear rules for the young users. It is important that these foster parents limit time on the computer for their young foster children. It is not too early to teach the children the importance of “Netiquette.” This type of computer etiquette encourages users to have respect for not only the computer technology, but for fellow users; not to post negative and harmful posts and messages, and not to be disrespectful to others while on the internet. It is especially important for foster parents to ensure that any personal information of their foster children is not posted online. With this in mind, it is recommended that children in elementary school do not have a social network address, as they are simply too young.

Foster parents must insist that their foster children keep all personal information safe and not post online. As birth parents and family members can easily locate and track their child through a social network site, foster parents can aid their foster child by creating a false name and identity, or pseudonym, for the child as he is online using sites such as Facebook, MySpace, and other social networking sites. Furthermore, foster parents should have access to the child’s Social Network page password, as well as the password for any email addresses. With this access, foster parents will have the ability to view any threatening or disturbing messages or posts the child has either sent or received.

As many foster children long to be accepted and are simply looking for a place to “fit in,” they can easily be acceptable to online hoaxes, as well as cyber predators. Sadly, many foster children fall victim to online sexual predators. Therefore, it is imperative that foster parents teach their foster children not to be gullible while “surfing the net.” Foster parents need to warn their child never to meet a person they have met online in any face to face encounter, and that they should report to their foster parents anyone who has made such a request. Along with this, foster parents need to watch what their foster children are accessing online, whether while they are on the computer, or afterwards, by visiting the sites the child had previously visited.

As mentioned previously, birth parents are finding their children and gaining unsupervised contact with their child. Reports of these occurring are growing at a fast rate. With today’s technology, people can be tracked from photos posted online by using easily accessible technology and simply applying it to a photograph. With very little effort, the location of a person in a person can be deciphered. From there, the person can be tracked down using other forms of technology. Therefore, it is vital that foster children never have a picture of them online, in any avenue, as each picture posted will become part of a digitalized global village, for all to see, and for all to use to determine the location of the child. This includes warning the child about “tagging” himself in a photo that someone else may have posted online. Along with this, it is also necessary that no geographic identifiers be used. Foster parents must make certain that locations such as where the foster child goes to school, church, or any other location are not posted. If a child belongs to a sports team or social group, these also should not be identified online. Birthdates, phone numbers, addresses, or any other information that can be used to identify the location of the foster child should also not be posted online, either.
-November 2012
Dr.John DeGarmo