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The Joy and Tears  that come with Being a Foster Parent

4/17/2017

26 Comments

 
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It was a difficult time for my wife and me, and we both felt drained physically and emotionally.  Another child had left our family.  Another child from foster care that had been living with us for several months was moving to another home.  This time, it was a little different, though, and the pain of it lingered on for some time.

Little Devon came to our family late one night at 12:30 AM, an emergency placement that was to be with us only for a day or so.  A familiar claim for foster parents, that’s for sure. The four pound baby was on a heart monitor as well as a breathing machine, and required around the clock monitoring. Fortunately for me, I was on a vacation, and was able to look after the tiny infant at all times.  So small was he that he could fit in one of my hands.  To be sure, the first time I changed his diaper, I thought I might somehow break his small body.  His weakened condition required that he be fed once an hour, every hour, twenty four hours a day, as his tiny frame needed nourishment.  His first few weeks with us left me in an almost zombie like state; so exhausted was I from his hourly feeding and breathing treatments.

As expected, my wife and I quickly fell in love with little Devon, and when the child’s caseworker informed us three months later that Devon would be available for adoption, my wife quickly jumped at the opportunity.  I was a little hesitant, as this would be the seventh DeGarmo child, but as always, my heart quickly changed my thought process.  Indeed, I began looking forward with much excitement to the adoption of this little one forever into our family
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Sadly, Devon was not able to become a part of our family, and we were faced with our second failed adoption a month later.  The child our family grew to love as one of our own moved to another foster home, where his older sibling was; a foster home that soon adopted both Devon and his older brother.  I must share with you, it left me grief stricken.  For days, there was a tremendous pain in my stomach, and I felt as if I would break into tears at any given moment.   My wife was suffering, as well.  Four days after Devon left our family, I walked into the bathroom after work, and found my wife crumpled on the floor, sobbing; heartbroken from the grief she felt.  

So, why do I foster?  Why do I take child after child into my family, only to have my heart break time and time again when the child leaves my home to another?  Why do I run myself to the point of exhaustion, looking after a house full of children on lack of sleep and energy?  Quite simply; because there is a child out there, right now, that needs a home.  There is a child out there, today, who needs a family, and who needs to be loved.   I have been richly blessed with so much, I feel called to share those blessings with those in need.

I am often asked how I do it.  How am I able to care for so many children in my home, and how do I continue to have my heart broken repeatedly?  Well, the answer is really not that difficult of one.  My wife is a source of strength, to be sure, but I also look for strength in other places, as well.  I find strength in inspiration.  Whether this inspiration is from scripture, from poems, from quotes, or even stories from other foster parents, I find these inspirational stories, scripture, and sayings fill me with renewed strength, and with renewed energy.  To be sure, there are times when I need inspiration daily, just in order to make it through the day.  Other times, inspirational verses and stories fill me with joy, and encourage me to continue caring for others in need.


To be honest, I often find inspiration in what you do. I am inspired by your devotion to caring for children in need. I am inspired by your service to others, and placing those in need before yourself.  I am inspired by the many stories I hear from foster parents, case workers, and advocates I meet across the nation.  Thank you, so very much, for all you do, and for making our world a better place.


-Dr. John

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5 Things that Surprised Me When We Adopted-Rachel Garlinghouse

4/14/2017

27 Comments

 
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Almost a decade ago, my husband and I embarked on our first adoption journey.  And I had it ALL figured out.  Or so I thought.

I did all the things and got all the stuff.  You know what I mean, right?  We put together a gorgeous yellow and green nursery.   We researched bottles and vaccines.   We found a pediatrician.   We read adoption books and blogs.  We met with other families-by-adoption and openly discussed concerns with our social worker.  We were ready:  authentic and eager. 

We had also built up in our minds what parenthood would look like.  You know, like a movie!  Walks in the park!  First Christmas, surrounded by gifts and cookies and twinkly lights.  First trip to the zoo.   Everything would be magical and enthralling.  And of course, we’d take hundreds of pictures for our family photo album. 

But all the research and reading and imagining couldn’t prepare me for the realities of parenting a child who came to us via adoption.   As soon as I was handed my first baby, she looked at me with her large chocolate eyes, and I thought, “She’s really mine?”  And my next though was, “Now what?” 
Here are the things that surprised me most, from the first baby to the fourth:

1:  She wouldn’t feel like mine.  
Our first child was a “stork drop” placement, meaning we were chosen to adopt her after she was already born.  We had little time to let it sink in that we were parents.  It was a whirlwind:  packing, traveling, and meeting our baby.   Though I was thrilled that I finally had a baby in my arms after a year-and-a-half wait, it took months to feel like her mom.  

2:  I would feel guilty.
Mothering a baby you didn’t conceive and birth can be surprisingly guilt-inducing.  For a long time, I felt as if I was parenting another woman’s baby instead of MY baby.  When my oldest turned nine months old, it dawned on me that she had been mine for the same number of months she had been her birth mother’s.   And with each “first” (first tooth, first step, first word), I felt a small pang of guilt that her birth mother had missed the precious moment. 

3:  I’d struggle to accept compliments.
Any time someone would say, “Your baby is so beautiful!” I would struggle to reply “thank you.”  I think this was because I had nothing to do with her physical appearance (not my genes!), and I felt like a fraud taking “credit.”  It was only with time that I was able to authentically express gratitude for compliments.
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4:  I’d continue to yearn for more.
Not just with our first adoption, but with each one, I have always felt driven to keep my arms and heart open for more children.  Though adoption is almost always a bittersweet and surprising journey, I can’t seem to close that chapter in my life.  There are always the “what ifs” and wandering thoughts. 

5:  I would forget, at times, that my children were adopted.
Don’t get me wrong here.  Adoption is an open and honest topic in our home, always welcome and encouraged.  But day-to-day life means that adoption isn’t at the center of our every breath.  It can take me by surprise, being out and about and noticing a second glance, and then I remember that we’re a transracial family, formed by adoption, and that means we garner some attention.

I often tell families who come to me seeking support on their adoption journey that anything they feel is normal.   Adopting can be a welcomed and challenging path to building a family, and each situation is different.   The key is to be open to the possibilities, to embrace the realities, and above all, enjoy the children you have been blessed to parent.     
 

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Rachel Garlinghouse and her husband live in the St. Louis area with their four children, all of whom were adopted domestically, transracially, and via open adoption.  Rachel’s experiences and education have been featured on NPR, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, and on many websites including Babble, Adoptimist, Scary Mommy, and Huff Post.   Rachel has written five books, including Come Rain or Come Shine:  A White Parent’s Guide to Adopting and Parenting Black Children.  Learn more about adoption and motherhood, as well as connect on social media, via her blog White Sugar, Brown Sugar
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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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