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Scared!  What to do When a Foster Child Moves to Your Home!

3/29/2017

22 Comments

 
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Frightened.
 
The three children stood in front of my wife and me.  The four year old girl, here two year old sister, and one year old brother were so filled with fear, they would not look us in the eye, and were trying to hide their faces from us. It was quite clear that they were frightened, and I clearly understood why.  These three children were scared of us, their new so called “parents”; their foster parents.
 
The three siblings had been placed into our home for reasons of sexual abuse, neglect, and abandonment.  Those that proclaimed to love them the most, their birth parents, had committed horrific crimes of abuse upon these three innocent and defenseless children. 
 
Yet, we were strangers to them.  And they were scared.
  
Imagine, if you will, being taken away from your mother and your father, without any warning at all.  Imagine being taken away from your siblings, your pets, your stuffed animals and toys.  Imagine being taken away from your bedroom, house, yard, and neighborhood.  Imagine, too, being taken from all of your relatives, friends, classmates, and everything you knew.   In addition, after all of this, imagine if you were suddenly thrust into a strange house, with strangers, and informed that this was your new home and new family for the time being. It is a very frightening time; one filled with fear, uncertainty, and anxiety. It is a time where even the bravest of children become scared.
  
“I wanna go home,” the four year old said.
 
“I know you do,” my wife responded, bending down to her and looking at her at eye level.  Taking the little one in her arms, my wife tried to give the child a hug.  Instead, the four year old pushed her away, with tears streaming down her cheeks.

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When a child is placed into your home, it can be a time of anxiety for not just the child, but for your family, as well. The first impression you create with your foster child is often vitally important to how the next few days and weeks will transpire.  This will probably not be the sweet little child who rushes into your waiting arms, laughing delightfully, as you might imagine. It is highly likely that your foster child will be scared and frightened, full of anxiety. He may have left his family moments ago, and is now told that you are his family, for the time being.  Without a doubt, he is full of questions, as emotions swirl within him.
 
As caseworkers remove a child from a home suddenly, most are unprepared.  Foster children leave their home with a quick goodbye, leaving behind most of their belongings, with a few clothing and perhaps a prized possession hurriedly stuffed into a plastic bag.  Before they know it, they are standing in front of you, strangers, people they have never met before.
 
After a tour of the home, and some milk and homemade chocolate chip cookies, the children seemed to find a little more peace; they seemed a little less anxious.  Milk and cookies often do that to a child.  My wife sat down with the three children on the blue sofa.  The one year old boy sat in her lap, while the other two little girls sat either side of her.  Then, as she always does, my wife read the three children a book.  More specifically, she read them a children’s book about being in foster care.  As it has happened several times in the past with many of the other young children placed in our home, I noticed the three children find some level in comfort with my wife.  As she read to them, some of their anxieties lessened, and each of the three snuggled into my wife’s arms.  Perhaps, just perhaps, they were beginning to understand that they were safe.
 
Make no mistake; we both knew that the days ahead would be difficult, and full of emotional challenges.  The children were sure to have plenty of questions and concerns, and there were likely some tear filled nights and days ahead of us. 
 
It takes great patience, understanding, and compassion to be a foster parent.  During the first few nights of placement of a child into a foster home, it also takes a great deal of love. May you continue to love your foster child, and may we all continue to comfort them as they experience the loss of their own family when they move to ours.

-Dr. John 

Order your signed copy of  the only children's book written just for children being placed into foster care,and into your foster home. Just click on the book title - A Different Home: A New Foster Child's Story.
 


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22 Comments

My Walk as a Child in Foster Care

3/10/2017

2 Comments

 
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The similarities are uncanny.

I’ve always loved the film Forrest Gump. I was never really sure why I had such an affinity for it. I assumed I just liked it the same way everyone else did. Tom Hanks was awesome and the story was entertaining. While struggling to find a cover for this issue I popped the DVD in and looked for an escape from magazine work. Then it hit me; we’re basically the same dude, Forrest and I.

Both of us walked through our childhoods completely oblivious to the events and world going on around us. For Forrest it was a matter of a learning disability that kept him blissful in his ignorance. It’s just the way it was in his era; you figured it out or you were left behind, no matter your disabilities. My ignorance to the outside world was drug induced. I spent nearly my whole childhood under the haze of Ritalin. I don’t talk about my childhood because I can only remember snapshots. When I got to foster care, the pills disappeared. This is why I can talk about my time in foster care and what followed with such clarity, my mind is free of the Ritalin haze. I’m not angry that I was pilled up, though I probably could have been a pretty special kid myself without it. But I get it. It’s just the way it was in my era; it’s what they did for us “energetic kids” back then.

Both Mr. Gump and I share backs that are “more crooked than a politician” as so eloquently stated by Forrest’s family doctor in the film. Forrest was given leg braces that miraculously blew to bits the first time he ran. I have what they call, degenerative scoliosis, all that means is that my back is all screwy from the twisted spine I’ve been given. My doctor said pretty much the same thing Forrest’s doctor said, except my back was in such peril as a kid I had to go to the DuPont center in Delaware because they were the only folks that had seen a back like mine. Those folks gave me a super specialized (and super embarrassing to wear) back brace. The brace started below my armpits and went all the way down to just above my buttocks (movie line!) which made my pants raise up in the back when I would lean forward. Try Jr High with that happening! It would latch in the front with a Velcro strap to insure it was corset tight. It wasn’t horrible to wear, comfort-wise, fashion-wise I was a mess. I got into Hip Hop for the baggy clothes initially, turns out I really loved everything about the music but that’s another story. So, much like Forrest, folks noticed me whether I wanted them to or not. And much like Forrest something special happened when athletics came into play. In the film, he starts running and it shatters his brace to bits. In my world, basketball became impossible with that cage around my chest. Like Forrest my athleticism forced the brace from my body. Hang on a second. The thing did not bust off of me because of a throbbing chest or anything, it was expensive as hell. I took that thing off carefully and placed it ever so gently next to the court. I’m no dummy!

There are a lot more similarities. Neither of us were any good at school and yet we went on to college. Granted Forrest’s time at college was far more successful than mine. We both had the military come knocking. He went, my back prohibited my entrance into the Armed Forces. We both spent a lot of time in hotels, though I never created a national scandal with my stays. We both rock at Ping Pong. We both have that one girl that we just couldn’t shake. We both married that girl. We both have remarkable sons, though I have the bonus of two daughters. We both walk through life with a positivity that goes unexplained.

And we both meet/met people we had no business meeting. His list is a lot longer than mine but I feel I’ve been just as fortunate to meet the folks I’ve met as he was. I mean, in what world does a goofy kid from the middle of Pennsylvania get to rub shoulders with athletes, actors and actresses, as well as his rap along with his hip-hop idol, DMC? It makes no sense. I went to NYC and got to see some of the cast of The Unbreakable Kerry Schmidt, including Tina Fey at a benefit for foster care nonprofit You Gotta Believe. As a Saturday Night Live fanatic I was beside myself, but the realist in me realizes this makes no sense. How did I get here?

I guess that’s the difference between Forrest and I; I am completely aware of what’s happening now and I can’t for the life of me figure out why.

I feel like Gump and I just walk through life and fall into amazing things Mr. Magoo style.

I couldn’t be happier.

I started the fifth year of a magazine a while back, a magazine I didn’t expect to last a year and it has taken me on a movie worthy journey (though I wouldn’t want that kind of attention, so maybe like a comic book or something?). If I hadn’t experienced these things that are happening to me firsthand, I would think I was lying!

The places I’ve seen and the people I have met could rival Mr. Gump’s experience.

He had Lt. Dan. Angry, jaded by life, lacking hope. I know those people too. I give some of them a voice in this magazine. He had Bubba. Bubba told him that with hard work they could be shrimping millionaires. I had Dave Miller. Dave believed in everything I did. So much so that he swore that my magazine could be the biggest thing to hit foster care. We both lost our biggest cheerleaders. Bubba died at war and Dave died on lonely road outside town in a terrible car accident. I like to think that much like Forrest, I have honored my friend’s memory by working as hard as he would have wanted me to. They were both right by the way, Bubba and Dave, hard work did pay off.

Forrest and I wander through life without an exact purpose. We just want to be happy and be surrounded by people we help to make happy. I kind of like that. It suits me.

We lose people. We gain people. Colorful folks dance in and out of our life while we move forward.

Should I be more aware of what I am doing? Put more thought into each step I take? Maybe. But where’s the fun in that?

One of the most famous lines from the film, and there were a lot of them, was “Stupid is as stupid does”. Urban Dictionary says “It means that an intelligent person who does stupid things is still stupid. You are what you do.” I agree with that but I would like to add something. A lot of people thought that pouring all of my money into a magazine about foster care was stupid. Maybe it was, but someone had to do it and the ride it has taken me on has been worth all the stupidity.

“Stupid is as stupid does” until stupid steps up and smacks the hell out of expectations.

That’s what my time as Editor of Foster Focus and that Academy Award winning film are all about; blasting every expectation of those who don’t believe in the dream to bits. Just like those braces that held Forrest Gump and I back all those years.  

Chris Chmielewski aged out of foster care.  He is the editor and owner of Foster Focus Magazine.  He and his wife Trisha are proud parents of three lovely children. 


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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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