It was a very difficult, almost impossible, word for "The Fonz" to say on the classic TV show "Happy Days."

        Maybe, it is a very difficult, almost impossible, word for you to say at times.

       The word “No” has been a difficult one for me as a foster parent whenever we got “the call” for a placement of another child.
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    Indeed, for my first 14 years as a foster parent, I felt guilt whenever we had to tell a case worker that we were unable to care for the child that needed a home, at that very moment.  I have had to say no on a few occasions over the year, and would be saddled with guilt for a time afterwards.    With the lack of foster homes in the area I live in, along with the increase in the number of children being placed into care, my wife and I have taken in child after child, signing waiver after waiver.  A few years ago, we had 11 children in the house. Two years ago, we had 9.  This time last year, we had 8 children.   Yes, we were running on fumes; exhausted each day from the many emotional needs and challenges the children brought into our home and into our families.  Make no mistake; we loved what we were doing, and we felt called to do so.

                Yet, we were tired.  We needed a break.

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          Soon after this, a rather strange thing happened.  Four of the children in our home went off to college. We had been caring for some older youth, all seniors in high school, who had nowhere else to stay, no one to care for them.  It had been a rough 12 months, yet it had also been an adventurous one, as well.  And then, within a matter of days, the four older ones in our home were off on their own adventure.  While we still call them, visit them, and love them, they are starting exciting new chapters in their lives, and we shall continue to support them in so many ways.  What I found, though, was an exciting adventure was about to start for my wife and I.

             For the first time, in 15 years, we only had 4 children in the home; a biological son and three children we had adopted from foster care.   We found the house much quieter, much more peaceful, and we embraced it.  The past few weeks have been as if we were on vacation; as if we were on respite care. (I can only imagine that this what having an "empty nest" felt like.)  It has been a time to re-charge those batteries, reconnect with each other, and reconnect with our children.  It has been a time where we could find rest, for you see, we had reached a stage bordering on being burned out.

            More importantly, it has reminded me that foster parents do indeed need rest from time to time.  Indeed, foster parents DO need rest and a time of reprieve, every now and then. 

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        The life of a foster parent is a difficult one.  It is unlike any other life style.  The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a  daily, and sometimes hourly basis.  Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through.  Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it  a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange, and question why you do it.

         You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained.  There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child.  The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off.    You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated.   You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments.  Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities.  Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks. 

        So, it is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life.  As a foster parent, you NEED to take care of yourself.   You NEED to ensure that you are watching out after yourself, finding the time you need for you, and the help you need to care for not only the children in your home, but for yourself and your family.  If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

-Dr. John

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  My children are a very important part of my foster parenting. Without them, my wife and I would not have been able to foster the sixty plus children that have come through our home. At one point, we had 11 children living in our home. As you can imagine, the house can become quite messy, quite quickly! The amount of laundry, dishes, and general cleaning can be overwhelming in a hurry. Along with that is the homework, soccer games, marching band practices, piano lessons, and other activities that children are involved with after school. Furthermore, there are doctor's appointments, therapy sessions, and visitations that come along with children in foster care.

       At the end of the day, my wife and I were often exhausted and worn out. If not for the help of our children, we might have been crushed by the load of work. Not only did the children help out with the laundry, dishes, and other house hold chores, they also helped with feeding our many younger children from foster care, reading them stories, and playing with them. Most importantly, though, my own biological and adoptive children have come to love their siblings from foster care, and treat them as part of our own family. It is this love that has been an instrumental part in how our foster children not only fit into our home and family, but has also been vital to helping the healing process that many of our foster children have sorely needed. It is this type of help, and this type of love that has helped us continue to be a foster family, despite the difficult times and challenges we have faced over the years.

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       When you decide to become a foster family, you not only need to prepare yourself, but prepare your children, as well. After all, their lives are going to change, too. Your children will not only be sharing their home, but they will be sharing you; their parents. This can be difficult for them to understand, and they will need your support more than ever.

      Take some time to sit down with your children and remind them why you chose to be a foster parent. If possible, give them a little training session of your own, and explain to them what it means to be a foster home, and a foster family. More importantly, explain to them what it will mean to be a foster sibling. Share with them, also, the information they need to know about your new child from foster care when he comes to your home.

​       If they are too young to understand why a child might be in foster care, do not burden or confuse them with this information, they will simply not need more information or details. Your older children may be curious as to why the child from foster care is coming to live with them. Share with them what you know, and remind them that the foster child is probably hurting, frightened, and may reject your family in the first few days and weeks. Tell your children that it will take time to form a relationship with the foster child.

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       Your own children may have concerns. Perhaps they are worried that they will have to share you with their new foster sibling. They may resent that there is a new person joining their family, sharing their toys, and sharing their parents. Ask them to share their feelings with you, and listen to what they have to say. Reassure your own children that you will always be there for them. You will also want to plan on setting aside some special time for just you and your own children, as they will need time alone with you during your fostering.

        Make sure you also set aside some special time for just you and your spouse. As a foster parent, you may become worn out and exhausted. If you do not give attention to your own marriage and your spouse, but instead focus on being a parent to your children and your child from foster care, you may find your personal life suffering.

                                                                              -Dr .John
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The Power of Storytelling

When someone wants to learn something new, they usually turn to nonfiction—a book, a podcast, a trusted expert, or an online resource. But what if there’s another way?

I believe fiction isn’t just entertainment. As an educator, author, and reader, fiction has often been my greatest teacher when I’ve faced hard things.

Let me show you what I mean.  

• From Rules by Cynthia Lord, I learned what it’s like to have a brother with autism—and how to navigate life in a way that honors both his needs and mine.


• From Wild Bird by Wendelin Van Draanen, I learned how loneliness can push someone toward destructive choices—and how wilderness therapy can lead them back to their true self.


• From Nowhere Boy by Katherine Marsh, I learned what it’s like to be a refugee child, dependent on the kindness of someone who doesn’t even speak my same language.​

Through stories I have learned beyond my own experiences… about grief, living without family members who are imprisoned, eating disorders, being a child to a parent who has an addiction, living in a war zone, being the new kid at school. But not just hard things, good things too! Through stories I have also made an unexpected friend, traveled to a foreign country, won a baking contest, gone to summer camp, written to an international pen pal, made the team, and solved the mystery. 

Fiction isn't just a relaxing pastime or hobby —it’s a tool for healing, understanding, and connection. This lesson can absolutely be applied to foster families.

How Fiction Helps Foster Youth Feel Seen
In the book world, we talk about windows and mirrors… how some books are like windows and let us take a peek into a world we’ve never seen before, while others act as a mirror, reflecting ourselves back to us, letting us know we are seen and most definitely not the only one who has been where we are and feel like we feel. Books that act as windows and mirrors are equally powerful.

For foster parents and siblings, books about children living in foster care (and in the difficult situations prior to arriving in foster care) can be windows that help us better see, understand and empathize. 

For children and teens in foster care, books featuring main characters facing challenges, emotions and fears similar to their own can act as a mirror, reflecting back an image that is familiar. These books can show them they are not alone. 

Fiction allows us to explore tough emotions in a safe, indirect way.

Recommended Reading: A Short List to Start With
If you’re on board and ready to give this fiction strategy a try, here are several titles (for a variety of ages) that will help you put it into action.  Each of the books listed below have a read aloud video linked so readers can give them a try to see if they are a good fit. 

Pro Tip: Add a trip to the bookstore, complete with a sweet treat from the cafe/bakery to solidify reading as an enjoyable experience! 

NOTE: SEE CANVA GRAPHICS FOR VISUAL VERSIONS OF THIS LIST.

Picture Books
Murphy’s Three Homes: A Story for Children in Foster Care By Jan Levinson GilmanSperanza’s Sweater: A Child’s Journey Through Foster Care and Adoption By Marcy PuseyStellaluna by Jenell Cannon

Middle Grade (grades 4-8)
The Barren Grounds by David Robertson
Closer to Nowhere by Ellen Hopkins
Fighting Words by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley
Free Verse by Sarah Dooley
Greetings from Witness Protection by Jake Burt
One for the Murphys by Lynda Mullaly Hunt
The War That Saved My Life by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley

YA/TEEN
Gather by Kenneth M. Cadow
Life in the Passenger Seat by Amanda Zieba 
What I Carry by Jennifer Longo

For reluctant readers, try adding an audiobook to the physical copy of the story. 

You may have noticed my name on the reading list. Life in the Passenger Seat (https://amandazieba.com/lips) is a young adult novel about a high school gymnast who finds herself in foster care. While it began as a story centered around gymnastics, it quickly grew to include the layered realities of life in foster care. My hope is that both teen and adult readers see themselves in its pages—recognizing that everyone has their own journey, and that stepping into the driver’s seat of your life is a powerful choice. At the same time, I want readers to know it’s okay to need support along the way. If this story offers even a small spark of courage or helps someone keep moving forward, then it’s done its job. If you’re looking for a book that reflects the complexity, resilience, and hope found in the foster care experience, I’d be honored for you to include it on your shelf. 

To purchase a copy of this book, or any of the ones mentioned in this article, click HERE 

Conversation Starters and Connection Builders
Perhaps one of the most powerful ways of using fiction to help you navigate the hard pieces of foster care is the shared reading experience. Instead of having to confront those hard things head on, you can indirectly discuss the issue via the characters and fictional situations without feeling too confrontational. 

Fiction can spark meaningful conversations—without feeling confrontational.
Here are a few general questions that you can use to start these conversations. (Pro Tip, slide these questions into conversation casually, while in the car together or while doing dishes, rather than setting aside a specific time to discuss (which could feel stilted and awkward.)

Mirror Questions – When the book feels familiar

1. Did anything in the story remind you of something you've experienced?
2. If you were the main character, what would you have done differently?
3. What part of the story made you feel the most seen or understood?
   
   

Window Questions – When the story feels different

1. Was there anything in the book that surprised you or made you think differently?
2. What do you think it would be like to be in that character’s shoes?
   
   

Connection Questions – For shared reflection

1. Was there a moment when you wished someone had spoken up or stepped in?
2. Is there anything in this book that makes you feel more ready for something in real life?

**  For more discussion questions and conversation starters, head HERE to download: 

Stories Build Bridges
Before I bring this to a close, I want to quickly reinforce the idea that fiction opens doors to healing, trust, and conversation. Stories can build bridges where it feels like you are lost or there is no common ground. Books can help create a foundation when it feels like your world is crumbling. 

I encourage you to make books featuring foster care available not only for the kids in your house, but for you as well. Read, ask questions, and keep showing up—one page at a time… because you matter. So go ahead—pick a book, crack it open, and read side by side. You never know where the story might take you.

Author Bio:
Amanda Zieba is the author of 14 feel-good-fiction books for readers of all ages. She is also the founder of Word Nerd Collaborative, a middle school ELA teacher membership and the creator of the YouTube channel: Learning with the Word Nerd. Amanda lives in Wisconsin with her husband and sons and can usually be found (typically with a novel or notebook in hand) watching them compete in some sort of sport. The plot twist is that even though she spends a huge amount of her life as a spectator, THEY are the biggest cheerleaders in her life. You can learn more about Amanda and connect with her at www.amandazieba.com and purchase her book Life in the Passenger Seat, here. (https://amandazieba.com/lips)