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Making Marriage Work as Foster Parents

9/30/2019

3 Comments

 
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            You and I both know this to be true: being a foster parent can take a great deal of time and energy from you.  When you are looking after a child from foster care 24 hours a day, every day, every week, every month, it can be a time consumer and leave little time for you, and your spouse or partner.  At the same time, if you are like me, your marriage to your spouse is vitally important to you.  After all, you married your spouse for a reason right?  You wanted to spend the rest of your life with that person; the person who makes you laugh, who supports you in good times and bad, who cares for you, and who you love with all your heart.  Now, when you both agree to be foster parents, you will certainly make sacrifices in your life, as you surely well know. One of those sacrifices is that of the gift of time with your loved one. It can be easy to neglect a marriage when you are caring for a child in need and a child that demands all your attention.

         I am so very blessed, on so many levels, to be married to my wife, Dr. Kelly DeGarmo. She is the light of my life, and I am such a better person because of her.  I recognize that I married far up my position.  There is no doubt that I could never do all that I do without her support and her strength.  We both work hard to make our marriage as perfect as it can be, and we both work hard to support each other in all we do. 
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        Every marriage and relationship need both partners to put work into it, if the relationship is to be a healthy one.  How does that happen?  Well it will be absolutely necessary that you spend some alone time with your partner as much as you can.  Yes, this can be hard, and it is something that my wife and I struggle with at times to do, as well.  Yet, there are ways to do this.  A great way to do that is to have a Date Night once a week, or once a month.  Go see a movie, go out to dinner, go shopping together.   If you are like my wife and I, and it is simply not possible, maybe a quick lunch together alone, on your back porch, some prayer and meditation time together, a walk around the neighborhood for just the two of you.  Just make sure you do something together that involves just you and your partner, with no children involved.  I am talking a Child Free Time, my friend.    This time alone is important, as you can share your concerns, desires, hopes, and wants, not only as a foster parent, but as a married couple.  It is important and it is essential that you have one on one time with your spouse, your partner, and your best friend, if you wish to make your marriage a healthy and strong one. If you do not, your marriage will suffer, and perhaps even come to an end.

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             Maria, a veteran foster parent, recently told me that she and her husband make time to have talk to each other every day.  The two do this late at night, sitting at the dining room table with some cups of coffee, after all the kids have gone to bed.  The two talk about the challenges before them, schedules and appointments, future plans, and the personal struggles they might be experiencing.

         Maria and her husband are right. Communication is so important to a strong marriage.  Many marriage experts will tell you that it is the key tool for a happy and successful marriage.  You and your spouse need to make sure that the lines of communication are freely and honestly open between the two of you.  Be honest with her about what is bothering you and bringing you stress. Tell him about the doubts or concerns you might be feeling and experiencing.  Share with your loved one what’s on your mind and in your heart.  If you are on the listening end, make sure you listen with an open mind, and with full attention.  If something is bothering you, share this concern with your loved one.  When your spouse is sharing their concerns with you, be sure to listen; simply listen. 

            So, when your spouse or partner come to you with a question, concern, or just wants to talk, turn the TV off, power down the computer, and put the phone on silent and in your pocket, look them in the eye and just listen.  This will go a long way in not only strengthen your marriage and relationship, but bring the two of you closer together. 

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​United and Together

            There will be those children who will test you and your spouse.  They want to see if the two of you are in agreement together on such things as bed time, homework, socializing with their friends, online devices and social media, and issues of discipline.  Yes, some children want to see if the two of you are together in your parenting, or if they can play one against the other. Therefore, it is important that the two of you are consistent with your parenting.  When it comes to issues of child rearing, discipline, and other issues that relate to our foster parenting, it is necessary that you and your spouse try to be in agreement with these issues.  Additionally, there will be those times when you need to recognize that the two of you can be flexible on some issues.


           Along with this, do not take your foster child’s behaviors personally.  Keep in mind that his behavior is a learned one, probably from the environment that he came from previously.  Your foster child is behaving the way he was taught and allowed before he came to live with you.  It will likely take some time and effort to change his misbehavior, poor habits, and disruptive manners.  Indeed, you may never be able to completely curb him from this type of negative behaviors.  Again, do not take this personally, as these learned traits may be deeply ingrained within him, and were reinforced by his previous home for a long period of time, even years.  Do not let his behaviors affect you and your marriage.  You were married before the child came to you, and your marriage should last after he leaves you.  The child is placed in your home for a temporary time. Hopefully, your marriage will last a life time.
 

                            (Excerpt from The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Guide for Today's Foster Parents)

                               -Dr. John

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It's Okay for You to say that Foster Parenting is Difficult.

9/4/2019

4 Comments

 
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You have permission.

It’s okay to say it’s hard.


It’s okay to say that sometimes you just feel like no understands what you are going through.

Guess what.  It’s even okay to say that sometimes, you simply want to stop, that you can’t do it any more, that you are just don’t want to be hurt again. 

Yes, foster parenting can be difficult.

You see, I have been a foster parent for 17 years, now.   Foster parenting, without a doubt, has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  I can not imagine a more difficult and challenging life style.
 I have lived the life of a foster parent.   I have had over 60 children come through my home.  These children have been as young as 27 hours old, and as old as 18 years of age.  Some have stayed a day, while others have stayed up to two years.  I have had up to 11 children in my home, and at one time had 7 in diapers. 

The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a  daily, and sometimes hourly basis.  Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through.  Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it  a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange, and question why you do it.

 You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained.  There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child.  The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off.    You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated.   You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments.  Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities.  Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks.  There is a reason why many people are not foster parents, as it is often too difficult.  

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There have been those times where my heart has broken when a child left my home.  There have been those moments when I have questioned whether or not I was making a difference.  There have been those times when I have grown frustrated with the system, as I have had to stand by and watch some of the children in my home go back to environments and situations which I knew that were not healthy or safe, for that matter.  To be sure, I have also watched my wife’s own doubts, and her desire to no longer foster, as her heart had been broken numerous times, as well, from the many children she had grown to love, only to see them return to homes where the children were once again placed in jeopardy. 
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It is the same for so many foster parents who have shared their stories with me.  I have heard from foster parents who lose sleep each night for weeks and months on end, trying to calm and soothe a baby born addicted to crack, heroin, or meth.  I have heard from foster parents who have been yelled at on a daily basis from foster teens who are so emotionally upset by their own experiences that they take it out on their foster parents.  I have heard from those who have been told one day they could adopt their foster babies, only to be told another day that the baby would return instead to a biological family member the child had never met.  The stories are countless, the stories are heartbreaking, and the stories are never ending.  Surely, there is no earthly reason to be a foster parent.  So, why do we do it?  For many, like my wife Kelly, we are answering a call.

It is okay to say that it is hard.  It is okay to say that you can’t do it anymore.  It is okay to step away for awhile and take a break; say not to a placement; allow yourself time to recover and fill that cup back up again.

Yet, if you are like me, you continue to care for children because the need is so strong.  After all, there is a child in need, right now as you read this, who is in need of someone to say, “I care. I will take care of you.  I will love you.”

When we care for children in foster care, and bring them into our homes and families, we help to change their lives. Yet, at the same time, our lives are changed, as well; changed for the better.  I have become a much better person for each child that has come through my home.  

Do I sometimes want to say I can't do this anymore?  Yes, sometimes I do.  Yet, there is a child who needs me.  There is a child who will make me a better person at the same time, as well.   

-Dr. John

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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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