I was raised around foster care from a fairly young age. I came to know many things about the system—the roll of a social worker, the loads of medications many kids come with, “the call” asking my parents if they would be willing to take in a new child. ​

All of this helped me to understand the kids who came through my parents’ home a little bit more. I learned that each story is important, no matter what the history is. I realized that grace was essential on both ends of the relationship, not just one.

But there were a few things that really struck a cord with me, and I want to share them with you.

First, I came to understand that there is more to all of our stories than any other person will ever know.

I’ve shared a house and friendships with kids who have been through more than I could even imagine. I’ve seen them struggle with sorting out emotions, and I’ve also seen them rise above the pain and grow to be incredible adults.

There are things about each of those kids I met that I will never be able to comprehend.

Part of the irony in our culture today is that we feel like we have to know everything. We have to have a say in what’s going on, and we have to come out on top.

But that’s not real life.

Real life is about understanding that we each walk a different path, and we won’t have all the answers.

Real life is about being there to listen, to comfort, to sit in their pain with them. Not pretending that we know what they are feeling, or telling them what they can do different.

We have no right if we haven’t experienced what they’ve experienced.

But we can be a rock if that’s what they need, or a shoulder if they need to cry, or a listening ear if they need to vent.

Secondly, there is more to ourselves than we even realize. In my book, titled More To Me, the main character, Bri, goes through more than she ever thought she could bear.
One thing after another destroys the only life she’d known, and she’s left feeling alone and broken.

But somehow she kept going, taking one step at a time until she reached a point where she overcame the pain in her life. It was hard, but she took that one more step, and then two more, and so on—until she had risen above the pain.

It might seem impossible to go on some days, but I promise there is hope in your story too.

When we feel at the end of our rope, there’s always more to us than we know. It’s not until after the storm that we are able to see it, but push through and it will prove itself in time.

***

Saty Cornelius is a writer, wife and adventurer. You can find her debut novel, More To Me, on Amazon or her website, www.satycornelius.com. Saty has a strong love for Jesus, the ocean, and chai tea lattes. She appreciates the value of stories—messy or inspiring, real or fictional—and has a dream of helping people find their worth through the power of these stories.

Everyone working in the child welfare system is exposed to substance abuse in family systems.  Alcohol, cocaine, crack, and amphetamines have played roles in the world of addiction; but it is the current opioid epidemic that has an unrelenting grip on our society today.  This drug is remarkably prevalent and wildly available.  With some, the road of addiction began with medications legally prescribed by their doctors. 
Over the last few years, states have reported an increase—sometimes in the thousands—of the number of children removed from their homes and placed into foster care due to caregiver drug abuse.  While drug and alcohol abuse can be found in any population, there are a high number of current and former foster children who abuse substances.  According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, more than 115 Americans die after overdosing on Opioids each day. 

A few short months ago, my brother was one of them.  He was an infant when we entered the foster care system.  Sometimes we were in the same home, but more often we were separated.  I had 14 placements, and he had many more due to his behavior issues.  I felt a tremendous pressure and duty to watch over him and keep him safe—sometimes from abusive foster parents, sometimes from himself. 

My brother was 29 when he died of a heroin overdose, laced with Fentanyl.  Our life paths took opposite directions.  While I was in college and graduate school, he tried to dull the sadness from a lifetime of abuse and neglect.  He felt betrayed and abandoned first, by our birth parents, then the myriad of people paid to take care of him.  I see this feeling of betrayal play out in many youth who never nourished by a stable family.  My brother never found security as a child or as an adult, and was floundering when opioids and other drugs offered temporary relief from his emotional pain.

Today I run a mental health and direct services agency for children, adults, and families.  We often work with both teens in crisis, and the parents or caregivers who are desperate to help them.  Children like my brother, who have grown up in disrupted, dysfunctional, or chaotic households, are much more prone to risky behaviors and decisions. This poses an additional set of challenges for especially foster and adoptive parents. 

I agonize over what I could have done to help him, as do so many other siblings, parents, friends, teachers, and relatives who have also lost someone they cared about to addiction.   If you are wondering what you can do to help, here are some key tips and information that might be useful tools for parents and teens avoiding drug use and addiction in the first place.

1.  Love Unconditionally.  Kids and teens are complex creatures, but all crave positive reinforcement, attention, praise, and support.  We have to be there for them, especially when they push us away.  We all make mistakes and it is important that kids know they can come to you, even when they’ve done something wrong or are in a bad social situation.
   
   
2. Create Trust.  It is critical that your kids feel safe enough to disclose something important or private to you—or another trusted adult. Have regular conversations with your child and create opportunities to have one-on-one time with them.  Make sure they feel secure enough to tell you anything that’s on their minds, and give them resources to go to if they feel they can’t disclose to you.  When youth keep parts of their lives or identities hidden, it can fester and ultimately come out in unproductive ways.  My adoptive parents would regularly leave books next to my bed on a wide variety of topics. 
   
   
3. Educate Yourself and Them.  Especially if you have a teen, be sure to talk to them openly and freely about drug use and addiction.  More so than any other point in history, teens have the world at their fingertips due to the regular use of social media, internet, and cell phones. Your kids and their peers are hearing, seeing, or experiencing happenings, trends, and breaking news at a lightning fast rates. Walk through some of these news stories, events, or tragedies and discuss them openly.  Give youth quality resources for information on the impact of drugs and alcohol as well as resources for help if they are struggling in any way and are not comfortable sharing with you.  Show them the facts, books, articles and personal stories that exist and talk about the many harmful ramifications of substance abuse. Research and know the organizations nationally and locally who can provide help, advice, or services.
   
   
4. Keep them Engaged.  Busy kids don’t have a lot of time to get into trouble. Starting in middle school, I was on several sports teams and was enrolled in after school activities and community clubs. I played basketball, softball, performed in school and community plays, and focused on my school work—because I knew that was my ticket out of the cycle of abuse and poverty into which I had been born.  Try engaging kids in regular activities that build self-esteem, create positive social groups, and offer healthy outlets.  Everyone is good at, or interested in something. Explore what your child’s abilities and likes are, and help them strengthen those skills or interests through positive outlets. Though we can never control all negative influences in their lives, we can provide ample opportunity for positive engagements, relationships, and experiences.
   
   
5. Be Aware.  Always be aware of what’s happening in your child’s life, and with their friends or your other family members. Know where they are going, and who they are with. Set appropriate curfews and expectations for check-ins and communication.  Never be naive enough to think that these issues could never happen to your teen or your family. 

 
Even families who do all of these things can experience tragedies.  Youth and families must be reminded that there is help, and that they are not alone.  I encourage parents struggling with various issues to seek online groups, community supports, or individualized counseling that will address topics and solutions specific to their family or loved one. No two cases are exactly the same, but there are thousands who are living with similar struggles on all sides of this issue.
 
Ashley Rhodes-Courter, MSW, is a former foster child, social worker, birth and adoptive mom, and the New York Times Bestselling author of Three Little Words, and Three More Words. 
www.Rhodes-Courter.com
www.SustainableFamilyServices.com

My introduction to transracial adoption was swift.

Sure, we were open to transracial placement.  Sure, we’d done some research by reading some books, meeting with other transracial families, and checking out relevant blog posts.  Sure, we had imagined the “what if” of bringing home a child of color. 

But our true introduction was when we were handed our first child:  an African American girl.  All the sudden we weren’t imagining or supposing.  We were LIVING.

All the sudden, we got attention.  Lots and lots of attention.  And not just because we were brand-new parents to a newborn, but because we were white parents to a Black baby.  And that baby began to grow up.  We dealt with hair-touchers and nosy questions and assumptions.  Compliments were sometimes back-handed stereotypes and criticism.  Other times we were thanked for adopting a “child in need” who certainly required a “good home.”  We were either saviors or baby-stealers. 

But really, we were just parents.  Parents brand-new to transracial adoption and subsequent parenting.
Our first adoption was almost ten years ago.  Now we have four children, all of whom were transracially adopted.  And we’ve learned a thing or two about what it truly means to live as a multiracial family, created by adoption. 

If you’re new the adoption or fostering journey and are considering inviting a child of color into your home, you need to know the reality of what you are agreeing to.
 
1:  Love isn’t enough.                       
It’s critical to understand that love does not conquer all.  Children of color come to you with not only their needs based on their personal circumstances (why they came to be in your care), but their racial needs.  Just like you can’t love trauma out of child, you can’t love race out of a child (nor should you ever try to).   

2:  Representation matters.
When you bring a child of color into your home, your home needs to reflect your child’s race and racial culture.  Remember, the sayings about home?  “There’s no place like home.”  “Home is where the heart is.”  Home should be a safe, welcoming, accepting space for a child.  So your home needs to have books, art, music, toys, etc. that reflect your child and send him or her the message that they matter, they are celebrated, and that they are safe to be themselves. 

3:  There’s no substitute. 
You can have all the art, music, toys, and books in the world, go to festivals and exhibits, and tell your children they are wonderful just as they are, but without racial role models in their lives, your child is missing out on something critical.  Face-to-face, hand-in-hand, authentic relationships with people of color is essential to your child’s well-being and arguably yours as well.   You need those who share your child’s race to guide you in how you parent your child.   This might also include hair braiders, barbers, medical professionals, and a mentor for your child. 

4:  Get woke, and stay woke. 
You can’t give what you don’t have.  Therefore, you need to understand racial norms in order to teach your child.  Some great ways to go about this include having friends who racially match your child (including a mentor for yourself), reading articles and watching videos from news outlets that focus on your child’s race, attending conferences and workshops, etc.  This isn’t for a season.  Parenting a child of color means you’re committed to learning for the long-haul. 

5:  Think long-term. 
It’s fitting to end with this point.  You aren’t just parenting your child today.  You’re making investments in your child’s future.  This means from the very beginning, when you accept a child of color into your home, you know that this child will not always been a cuddly newborn or a bouncing toddler.  A child of color grows up to become a preteen, then teen, then young adult, then adult of color.  So again, love isn’t enough, and you need to make choices that build your child up as he or she grows up. 
 
Rachel Garlinghouse is a mom of four by adoption, author, and speaker who blogs about her family’s adventures at whitesugarbrownsugar.com
 

The rewards and joys of being a foster parent are endless.  I have been able to watch a four-year-old girl smile for the first time. I mean, truly smile, for the first time in her life, after years of horrific sexual abuse by her grandfather. Then there was the blessing of helping a six-year-old boy, learn how to laugh, slowly at first, as if he were too nervous to allow himself to find joy in life; a six-year old boy who had only known harsh, physical abuse by both his parents; those sworn to protect and love him. There was the joy of helping a 17-year-old boy, abandoned by his mother, discover that he does have value and worth in his life, that he is important, and that he can accomplish great things.  After living with us for nine months, we had the joy of watching this 17-year-old boy graduate from high school, and enroll into college, thus beating the odds against him.

Foster parenting has been a tremendous gift to me. And I bet it has for you, as well.

Perhaps you have the desire to help out children who suffer from abuse or neglect,neglect.  Maybe you feel compassion for children who face malnutrition or even drug -related problems passed on from a mother’s addiction. Possibly, your heart goes out to those children who are rejected by those who were supposed to love them most: their parents.. After all, you feel that every child deserves the right to be in a healthy and supportive home, and most importantly, every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. As a foster parent, you have the opportunity to help these children in need. When you foster a child, not only do you invest in the future and well-being of a child, you are also changing the life of that child.

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To be sure, there have been those placements that have been more difficult and more challenging than others,  — placements that have left both my wife and I weary and exhausted.  Sometimes, we may not be able to save a child from having a horrible and tragic experiences before they come to live with us. Yet, we are given the chance, as foster parents, to save them from experiencing other future horrors, and taking them away from dangerous situations. Without a doubt, this is a joy itself. As a foster parent,; indeed, as a parent, you are making a difference! You are saving a child from harm! It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care. There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.

As we begin this new year, I want to remind you that what you are doing is important. What you are doing matters. What you are doing is truly making a tremendous difference in the lives of children in need.  Though you may feel exhausted at times, and though you may feel that you are not making an impact, you are changing the life of a child.  You are planting a seed in the life of a child in foster care that WILL grow, and WILL bloom.  You may not see this transformation while the child is living in your home; this seed may not blossom until much later, but it will blossom if you plant it with love, water it with your tears, and nurture it with your time and compassion.  

It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care.  There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.  May you have the strength and resources, compassion and support; and may you continue to change the life of a child in foster care.

-Dr. John 

Get a signed copy of the book that is changing the face of foster care across the nation. Order Faith and Foster Care HERE.