As a foster parent, you NEED to take care of yourself.  

Last month, we looked at three things that every foster parent needs to do.  This month, we look at three MORE things that foster parents absolutely must do!  If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

Patience is a Virtue
When we lose our control, or lose our patience, with a child, we lose control over the situation itself.  When children see us lose control ourselves, it may suggest to them that the response they chose was the right one. It is important to remember that many children in foster care have never been in an environment where issues are addressed in a calm and rational manner, but instead in one of anger and hostility.  Your own loss of patience and control reinforces to them that this response is normal, and acceptable.  When a child in your home is trying your patience, as the saying goes, try and remain calm.  Respond to the child in a calm fashion, and with compassion and patience.  Not only will you show the child that you can maintain control, you will also teach the child appropriate ways to hold discussions.  Furthermore, help your own anxiety and stress level, helping you to prevent future burn out.

If you are struggling with maintaining your own patience, go ahead and call your own time out.  Don’t be afraid or let your ego object to asking your spouse or partner to step in and take over a situation if you are becoming too frustrated, or feel you are you are losing control of your own emotions.  Tell the child that you will talk about it at a later time, allowing both you and the child to cool off.  Step outside or into another room, and give yourself time to count to ten.  Any of these are positive ways to de-escalate a situation.
 
Join the thousands who receive Dr. DeGarmo’s FREE foster care newsletter. Simply fill out the form below.
​
Don’t Take it Personally
There have been those times when some of the children living with my family have been disrespectful to me, have called me every name in the book, and have been downright mean spirited towards my wife and me.  Does my blood pressure rise, as a result?  Yes, sometimes it does, and at times it is difficult on all of us.  To be sure, when a child calls you names, pushes your buttons, disobeys you, and treats you poorly, it is difficult not to take it personally.  You may become angry; that’s normal.

Yet, as a foster parent, it is important for all of us to remember that the child is most likely not attacking you personally.  Children in foster care are often scared, often afraid, often hurting, and often in emotional pain.   For so many children, they simply do not know how to process the many feelings and emotions that engulf and enwrap them.  They are unsure how to appropriately release these pent up feelings, emotions, and anxieties, and simply lash out instead. Lash out at you. Lash out at me.  My friend, that’s okay.  You and I are simply the recipient of the pain and trauma that they suffer from.  It is important for us not to take it as a personal attack.  So, how do we do that? How do we prevent this from leading to burn out?

​​First, we need to remember that it isn’t really about us.  The child has been abused, neglected, abandoned. There is a reason why the child living in your home has been placed into foster care. He is hurting. It’s not about us.  It’s about the child, and his pain.  Even when he is yelling at you, “I hate you!” and slamming the door. His anger and emotion may be directed at you, but it’s not truly about you.  Instead, his anger and pain comes from someplace else.
When your buttons are being pushed, it is important to remember that you are the mature one, you are the adult, you are the parental figure.  Resist yelling back, don’t give in to the temptation to respond in anger, no name calling from you.  Try to not respond emotionally. Instead, focus on the child’s behavior and not his emotion. Respond to why he is feeling this way, not to the words he may be yelling at you.

 
Your Own Support Group
I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent.

Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life.  It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.  

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.       

-Dr. John

Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting." 
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

As a foster parent, you NEED to take care of yourself.   You NEED to ensure that you are watching out after yourself, finding the time you need for you, and the help you need to care for not only the children in your home, but for yourself and your family.  If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life.  It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.  One of the ways to treat burn out is simply to rest from time to time.  Indeed, foster parents DO need rest and a time of reprieve, every now and then.

Remember to “Be in the Moment”
Far too often, I spend too much time looking ahead to what I have to do. With all of the responsibilities as a foster parent, father, husband, as well as my work commitments and responsibilities, I find that I spend far too much time planning and worrying about all that needs to be done.  There are times when this results with me feeling overwhelmed.  There are also those times when I allow myself to worry what might become to a child that has left my home and family. I worry for their safety, their future, their well-being. There are even those moments when I feel anger towards a decision made by the court system regarding a child that I am caring for; a decision that I might not agree that is in the best interest of the child.  I imagine that you have the same experiences from time to time. You worry too much about the future. You grow concerned about what has not happened yet.  You allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties.  My friend, that’s normal, and it is easy to do.

Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be.  When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time.  When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment.  As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.
 
Join the thousands who receive Dr. DeGarmo’s FREE foster care newsletter. Simply fill out the form below.

Let your heart break
You have probably heard the same thing I have heard, over and over again.  They tell me, “Dr. John, I couldn’t do what you do. It would hurt too much to give the kids back.”  I reassure them that is how it is supposed to be.   Our hearts are supposed to break for these children, because that means we are giving them what they need the most; someone to love them with all their heart.

Now, there are those who say that you, as a foster parent, should not get too attached. There are those who might suggest to you that they are really not your children.  There are even those who might advise you that you need not become too emotionally invested in the children, because they are bound to go back home.  The truth, as you most likely know, is the opposite. We do love them as our own, and sure, we also experience feelings of grief and loss when a child leaves, as we examine fully in The Foster Care Survival Guide.  Yet, it is healthy for us to become emotionally invested, and to become attached to the children in our home.  If we do not become attached, and hold ourselves at arm’s distance, so to speak, and try to protect ourselves, we will not be able to help the ones we are trying to care for.
 
Exercise, Diet, and Sleep time
Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy.  You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever.  Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out.   Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression.  Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout.  You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain.  There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being.  Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us.  Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with.  Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves.  If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals.  Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy.  According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood.  So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet.  Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep.  We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times.  When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day.  Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.  

Next month, we shall have three more things that you MUST do in order to care for yourself, so you can care for children in need.
​
-Dr. John

Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting." 
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

I once spoke to Julie, a foster parent, who had suffered great trauma and abuse herself as a child. As tears rolled freely down her face, Julie told me that she had been raped several times by her older cousin when she was between the ages of 7 and 9. She came from a family that did not discuss such things, and when she tried to approach members of the family, it was swept under the carpet. She never was able to find the therapy or help she needed. Years later, when Julie was a foster parent, a young girl was placed into her home, a young girl who had been raped by a member of her family. As this foster mother cared for the little one in her home, Julie’s own trauma from her personal history resurfaced, triggering feelings and pain she had tried to forget and never really addressed.

Perhaps you are like Julie in some way. Perhaps you have experienced a traumatic event in your life or have suffered from personal loss. When you care for others who have experienced similar trauma to your own, your own past experience might be triggered, making you more at risk for internalizing the trauma of the child you are looking after.
 
Our Our Personal Trauma.  It is one reason for Compassion Fatigue.  A very real condition for foster parents and caregivers is Compassion Fatigue, also known as Secondary Traumatic Stress, or STS. Dr. Charles Figley states that Secondary Traumatic Stress is “the natural consequent behaviors resulting from knowledge about a traumatizing event experience by a significant other. It is the stress resulting from helping or wanting to help a traumatized or suffering person.” As foster parents, we are likely to experience some sort of emotional or physical response to the variety of stresses and anxieties when we care for those who have suffered from abuse, neglect, and trauma. Indeed, we are often at risk of STS, or Compassion Fatigue, as we not only work with children who have suffered trauma and anxiety, but live with these children 24 hours a day. It should come as no surprise to what one study found. According to a recent study by the University of Bristol’s Hadley Centre for Adoption and Foster Care, Compassion Fatigue is a condition that is widespread among today’s foster parents. There are other reasons why we, as foster parents, are at particular risk for Compassion Fatigue.

Join the thousands who receive Dr. DeGarmo’s FREE foster care newsletter. Simply fill out the form below.

Lack of Recovery Time
There is no mistaking the fact that there are not enough foster parents, certainly not enough to care for the increasing number of children being placed into foster care. That’s why foster parents, just like you, are taking in more and more children into our homes. When one child leaves our home and family, for whatever reason that might be, we often quickly get a phone call, asking if we can take another placement and another child, leaving us little time to breathe, to recover, and to grieve, if need be.

When we do this, we do not allow ourselves the time to recover. We do not allow ourselves the opportunity to distance ourselves so we can heal ourselves, and we are not allowed “time off” from an emotionally, mentally, and physically demanding lifestyle. Instead, we continue to care for children who are in such need of all that we have. We continue to listen to the horror stories these children have lived through, and we continue to hear, over and over again, similar stories form the children who come in and out of our homes. This not only wears you down and perhaps burns you out, but is also increase the risk for you of STS.

Empathy:
If you are like me, you feel for these children. You feel their pain, you feel their suffering. You take it on board, upon your shoulders and into your heart. My wife has told me countless times over the course of several years that she was not going to be a foster parent anymore due to the high level of grief and loss she feels when the children she has come to love leave our home. However, when the phone call comes, and she hears the story of a particular child who needs a home, she always says yes to the placement. She feels empathy for these children, just as you do. Yet as we feel for these children and their pain, we may over empathize or over identify with the children, and place ourselves at risk of internalizing their pain and trauma. I often do this myself.

As I write in the book The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Guide for Today's Foster Parents, you NEED to take care of yourself as a foster parent. You NEED to ensure that you are watching out for yourself, finding the time you need for you, and the help you need to care for not only the children in your home, but for yourself and your family. If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

​-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting." 
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.
 

I often hear, on a weekly basis, that my wife and I are saints for caring for children in need and opening up our homes and hearts to kids in foster care. In no way, and in no fashion, am I a saint, and I believe that foster parents from all over would echo that sentiment. We are not saints. We become tired, worn down, and exhausted. We have our own frustrations and disappointments. There are times when we succeed, and there are times when we experience failures. We are not the perfect parents. We are simply trying our best to provide a home and family for a child who needs one and help a child in need.

 Yet, the life of a foster parent is not always an easy one. In fact, it is OK to say that being a foster parent is hard.  It’s OK to say that sometimes you just feel like no understands what you are going through.

 Guess what. It’s even OK to say that sometimes, you simply want to stop, that you can’t do it any more, that you are just don’t want to be hurt again. 

Yes, foster parenting can be difficult. You see, I have been a foster parent for 15 years, now. Foster parenting, without a doubt, has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I cannot imagine a more difficult and challenging lifestyle. I have lived the life of a foster parent. I have had over 50 children come through my home. These children have been as young as 27 hours old and as old as 18 years of age. Some have stayed a day, while others have stayed up to two years. I have had up to 11 children in my home, and at one time had seven in diapers. To be sure, seven in diapers was one exhausting experience. I jokingly tell people that having seven in diapers at the same time should be illegal in all 50 states and every country. 

The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a daily, and sometimes hourly, basis. Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through. Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange and question why you do it.

You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained. There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child. The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with no time off. You will probably feel overworked and underappreciated. You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments. Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities. Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks. There is a reason why many people are not foster parents, as it is often too difficult. There have been those times where my heart has broken when a child left my home. There have been those moments when I have questioned whether or not I was making a difference. There have been those times when I have grown frustrated with the system, as I have had to stand by and watch some of the children in my home go back to environments and situations which I knew that were not healthy or safe.

Join the thousands who receive Dr. DeGarmo’s FREE foster care newsletter. Simply fill out the form below.
 
Yet, I would have it no other way.  Foster parenting has been a tremendous gift to me. And I bet it has for you, as well.

When we care for children in foster care and bring them into our homes and families, we help change their lives. Yet, at the same time, our lives are changed, as well, and they are changed for the better. I have become a much better person for each child that has come through my home. 

Perhaps you have the desire to help out children who suffer from abuse or neglect; maybe you feel compassion for children who face malnutrition or drug -related problems passed on from a mother’s addiction. Possibly, your heart goes out to those children who are rejected by those who were supposed to love them most. After all, you feel that every child deserves the right to be in a healthy and supportive home, and most importantly, every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. As a foster parent, you have the opportunity to help these children in need. When you foster a child, not only do you invest in the future and well-being of a child, you are also changing the life of that child.

To be sure, there have been those placements that have been more difficult and more challenging than others, placements that have left both my wife and I weary and exhausted. Sometimes, we may not be able to save a child from horrible and tragic experiences before they come to live with us. Yet, we are given the chance, as foster parents, to save them from experiencing other future horrors and taking them away from dangerous situations. Without a doubt, this is a joy itself. As a foster parent, indeed, as a parent, you are making a difference! You are saving a child from harm! It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care. There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.
-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting." 
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.
 

I was raised around foster care from a fairly young age. I came to know many things about the system—the roll of a social worker, the loads of medications many kids come with, “the call” asking my parents if they would be willing to take in a new child. ​

All of this helped me to understand the kids who came through my parents’ home a little bit more. I learned that each story is important, no matter what the history is. I realized that grace was essential on both ends of the relationship, not just one.

But there were a few things that really struck a cord with me, and I want to share them with you.

First, I came to understand that there is more to all of our stories than any other person will ever know.

I’ve shared a house and friendships with kids who have been through more than I could even imagine. I’ve seen them struggle with sorting out emotions, and I’ve also seen them rise above the pain and grow to be incredible adults.

There are things about each of those kids I met that I will never be able to comprehend.

Part of the irony in our culture today is that we feel like we have to know everything. We have to have a say in what’s going on, and we have to come out on top.

But that’s not real life.

Real life is about understanding that we each walk a different path, and we won’t have all the answers.

Real life is about being there to listen, to comfort, to sit in their pain with them. Not pretending that we know what they are feeling, or telling them what they can do different.

We have no right if we haven’t experienced what they’ve experienced.

But we can be a rock if that’s what they need, or a shoulder if they need to cry, or a listening ear if they need to vent.

Secondly, there is more to ourselves than we even realize. In my book, titled More To Me, the main character, Bri, goes through more than she ever thought she could bear.
One thing after another destroys the only life she’d known, and she’s left feeling alone and broken.

But somehow she kept going, taking one step at a time until she reached a point where she overcame the pain in her life. It was hard, but she took that one more step, and then two more, and so on—until she had risen above the pain.

It might seem impossible to go on some days, but I promise there is hope in your story too.

When we feel at the end of our rope, there’s always more to us than we know. It’s not until after the storm that we are able to see it, but push through and it will prove itself in time.

***

Saty Cornelius is a writer, wife and adventurer. You can find her debut novel, More To Me, on Amazon or her website, www.satycornelius.com. Saty has a strong love for Jesus, the ocean, and chai tea lattes. She appreciates the value of stories—messy or inspiring, real or fictional—and has a dream of helping people find their worth through the power of these stories.