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It's Okay to Cry as a Foster Parent!

6/29/2020

My tears flowed freely down my face. My cheeks were wet, yet I wasn’t compelled to wipe the tears away. Quite simply, my heart hurt. My heart was broken.

It had been two months since Maddie, our last foster child, had left our home. The 4-year-old girl had been with us for just under one year, and had made a significant impact not only on both my wife and I, but on our own children, as well. She had very much become a part of our family, and there were talks about the possibility of adopting her. Sadly, as it is many times for foster parents, the 4-year-old was moved to another home, where she would be closer to her biological family members. It was an emotionally difficult time for us. Her last words to me stung deep; “Daddy, will you miss me when I am gone? Will you still love me when I leave?”
Two months later, and it still hurt; I still cried.

“Will you still love me when I leave?”
I wanted to find her, to reach out to her, and to tell her, “Yes, Maddie. I will still love you. I will always love you.”

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My friend, I have a bit of bad news for you. It really does not get any easier when children move from your home, and leave your family. But guess what? It shouldn’t get any easier. This is how it really should be. If you experience grief and loss when your foster child leaves, this is a reflection of the love that developed between you and your child; a reflection of the love that you gave a child in need. As you know, children in foster care need us to love them; they need us to feel for them. When they leave our homes, we should grieve for them, as it simply means that we have given them what they need the most; our love.

I have watched over 60 children come to live with me and my family, and then move to other homes. Each time, my wife and I have grown to love these children, caring for them as if they were our very own, and treating them the same as all the others in our home; biological, adoptive, or foster. Each time a child leaves, my wife and I experience a great sense of loss, even when we can be comforted with the knowledge that the children have gone to a good and safe home. There have been times when my wife has sunk into deep grief, crying for days. We have both spent considerable time on our knees, lifting up a former foster child up in prayer. There have also been those times when we felt a small sense of relief when a child left our home. A few years back, we had a sibling group of three children in diapers, all with challenging behaviors and conditions. For those four months, we were run ragged, worn out, and tired. When the children left our home, to be returned to their mother, both my wife and I cried. At the same time, though, we felt that a burden had been lifted off of our shoulders, that we could breathe and relax a little, and focus on our own children some more.

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Saying goodbye is never easy for anyone, and may be especially difficult for you and your foster child. After your foster child leaves your home, you may feel like you never wish to foster again, as the pain is too great. The grief you feel may be overwhelming. Please remember this though, my friend; you are not alone. It is normal for foster parents to feel loss and grief each time a child leaves a home. Take time to grieve, and remind yourself that you are not in control of the situation. Thanks for caring for children in need. Thank you for caring for children in foster care.

And please remember this. it is okay to cry as a foster parent.

It means that you gave the child what she needed the most; someone to love her with all your heart.

-Dr. John

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11 Statistics that will Startle You about Children During National Children's Awareness Month

6/8/2020

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June is National Children's Awareness Month.

Today's statistics are grim about children. In the United States each year:

-5 Million experience domestic violence in their homes.
-5 children die each day from abuse.
-78% of all child fatalities are 3 years old and under.
-Two-thirds of the people in treatment for drug abuse report being abused or neglected as children
-30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.
-1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will be sexually abused before they reach age 18.
-460,000 children are in foster care,
- 300,000 are victims of Human Trafficking,
-Almost 65,000 children are sexually abused.
-Children who experience child abuse & neglect are approximately 9 times more likely to become involved in criminal activity.
-30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.

Yet, much of this goes unheard.

To be sure, many of the protests that are happening around the United States of America, and across the globe are justified, and warranted. I wonder though, when we, as a society, will begin to truly bring attention to children; children who have no voice and no one to protest for them.

So many countries, in this 21st century, still do not give value to the rights of children. Children across the world are suffering from the hands of parents, from family, from adults, and from governments!

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In the United States, we pride ourselves on caring for Human Rights. We march in the streets, protesting the rights of gender and gender identification. We wear heats as we protest to the government about equality. We wave flags to for equal rights. Yes, human rights has become an important issue; one that fills people with passion, and even with acts of violence.

Yet, as a nation, we still have it wrong. We still don’t truly value the rights of children.
Studies show that up to five million children in the United States experience and/or witness domestic violence each year. Children in our nation are suffering from an epidemic of child abuse from those who proclaim to love them the most.

Children today, in the very city you live in, are victims of horrific crimes. As you read this, there are children who are falling prey to child sex trafficking As you sip your morning coffee, there are children who are being abandoned by those who profess to love them. As you watch your favorite reality tv show, there are children who are being abused so horrifically that many of us turn away; the reality of it too gruesome for us to acknowledge. Furthermore, these abusers and perpetrators may be your colleagues at work, members of your church, your neighbors, and even those who come to your annual family reunion.

People you know. People YOU know are abusing a child in some way.

So, I ask you this. Where is the outcry in our own nation? Where are the people marching in the streets for child abuse? Where are the hats and the signs to bring awareness about child sex trafficking here in America? Where are the loud voices protesting the government to give rights to children? When will we fight to protect the children in our own nation. When will the rights of children become part of the Human Rights Movement?

Perhaps that outcry needs to belong to you. Perhaps there is a child, right now, who is waiting, and even praying, that you fight for their human rights. It is happening across the world. When will it happen, TRULY happen, in your state, in your city, in your neighborhood?

It starts with me, and it starts with you.

Let's fight together.

-Dr. John

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How Foster Parenting Makes You A Better Person

5/11/2020

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“Tell us how you have changed since being a foster parent, please.”

It was a question I had been asked a great deal of late. Recently, I had been doing the rounds of radio and TV interviews while promoting my newest book, The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families.
Like most people, many of the radio and TV hosts had very little knowledge of what being a foster parent is really about. I would imagine many of your own friends and family members don’t really understand what you do, either. Additionally, they likely do not understand how your life has changed.

I have said it many times, in many places; foster parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. It IS hard work. At the same time, it is also Heart Work. It is the most important job I have done, as well.

Yet, my life has changed, also, in so many ways, in so many areas. Of the 60 plus children that have come to my home, come to live with my family, each has made me a better person and has made an impact on my life in some way.

I have learned to love deeper, more openly, and without abandon. I have learned to love each child that comes into my home in an unconditional manner, and without reservations. I am no longer ashamed to tell people that I love them. I cry openly now, and am no longer embarrassed when it happens. The saying that “real men don’t cry” is rubbish to me. I have become an emotional cripple in that manner, yet in a healthy way. In a way that I embrace.

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Foster parenting has created a sense of urgency within me to make a difference in the lives of those in need. Perhaps it is due to the children’s horror stories that I have been witness to, and have watched come through my home.   I now am able to see the pain and suffering in others, and am better equipped to help them. To be sure, I have always been one that has wanted to help others, but since I have become a foster parent to children who have suffered from abuse, from neglect, and from being abandoned, all by those who profess to love them the most-their birth family members, I have felt compelled to help even more.

I have learned to forgive more. Love and forgiveness are two actions that are intertwined, and cannot be separated. If we truly love others, then we need to forgive, as well. Without forgiveness, there is no love. When I was angry towards our foster teen’s mother, I was in no way sharing love. Instead, my stomach was in knots, and I was one tense parent. I was shackled by my own inability to forgive someone, a prisoner to a debilitating emotion. Yet, when I did forgive her, it felt like a weight was taken off my own shoulders. One of the amazing things about the act of forgiving others is that it allows us better use our energies towards something that is more constructive, more positive. Forgiveness frees us from the forces of hate and evil, and instead allows us to draw closer to others, and gives us more strength to do the work we are called to do. When we forgive the actions of our foster child’s birth parents, not only are we showing love to them, and empowering ourselves, we are also honoring our foster children.

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Foster parenting has transformed me into becoming a better parent to my own children, husband to my wife, and citizen to my community and the world. For each child that has come through my home, I give thanks. For each child that has allowed my family to grow, you will always be part of my family. For each child that spent time in the foster care system while living with my family, I shall always love you.

To my fellow foster parents, thank you for what you do. Thank you for making sacrifices in your own life to care for those in need. Thank you for loving children without abandon, and as family. Thank you for changing the lives of those in need. May your own lives be changed, as well.

-Dr. John

Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of the new book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families Order your special copy HERE.

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The Help Foster Parents Need during the Coronavirus-Special Blog

3/30/2020

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The Coronavirus is making it hard for all foster parents.

Well beyond the lack of groceries, baby wipes, diapers, and even toilet paper, foster parents are struggling.

Many foster parents are concerned, confused, and looking for answers yet receiving little guidance. For many foster parents, the lack of supervision has been an especially challenging one. Many foster parents are employed full time, and work during the day, while the children placed in their home from foster care are either in school, or at day care.  Other foster parents are faced with the difficulty of getting the services and support they and the children placed in their home both need.

Plus, it should come as no surprise that the anxiety level in the children living in your home is most likely off the charts. Children in foster care often suffer from high anxieties, due to the trauma they have experienced prior to coming to live with you. For some foster parents, they are struggling with a whole new world of homeschooling the children placed in their homes; homeschooling children who are behind in school. So many foster parents have never had experience teaching beforehand, and now they are teaching children who have learning disorders and challenges. Now, in this time of uncertainty, of self containment, of social distancing, the cancellation of visitations with their birth family members, of too much time on social media, phones, and electronic devices (and the tremendous danger that comes from this, right now, during the Coronavirus,) the anxiety within them has only grown and will continue to do so.

The result: foster parents are exhausted. You, me, all of us. We are exhausted, filled with our own anxiety and confusion. As we struggle with the Coronavirus, foster parents are in jeopardy of burnout, of stress, of compassion fatigue, and even of ending their time as foster parents.

Let there be no mistake; foster parenting is hard work, even before the Coronavirus exiled us all in our homes! It may just be the hardest work you ever do. You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained. There is very little money available to help you, and you will not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child. The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off. You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated, especially now during this pandemic.   You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments. Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities. Many times, the children that are in your homes with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks.

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Foster parents like you are getting burned out, right now, during this time of Covid 19. One of the keys to preventing burnout during this time is through awareness. Once you are aware that you are truly exhausted and facing burnout, you can then take steps to better care for yourself. If you are feeling exhausted, run down, depressed, unmotivated, hopeless or powerless, or even feel like running away, you may be experiencing burn out. Changes need to be made, otherwise you will not only suffer, but your marriage, your family, your children, and even your job will suffer, as well. There are a number of other ways to help reduce stress and burnout, including lifestyle changes, diet, exercise, and even online support groups. If burnout is left untreated or ignored, there can be serious complications for not only the foster parent, but for the foster child, as well. After all, if you are too exhausted and feeling burn out, you will have a difficult time giving the love and support a foster child sorely needs.

When we lose our control, or lose our patience, with a child, we lose control over the situation itself. When children see us lose control ourselves, it may suggest to them that the response they chose was the right one. It is important to remember that many children in foster care have never been in an environment where issues are addressed in a calm and rational manner, but instead in one of anger and hostility. Your own loss of patience and control reinforces to them that this response is normal, and acceptable. When a child in your home is trying your patience, as the saying goes, try and remain calm. Respond to the child in a calm fashion, and with compassion and patience. Not only will you show the child that you can maintain control, you will also teach the child appropriate ways to hold discussions. Furthermore, help your own anxiety and stress level, helping you to prevent future burn out.

We also need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be. When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time. When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment.  We worry too much about the future due to the uncertainty of the Coronavirus. We grow concerned about what has not happened yet. We allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties. My friend, that’s normal, and it is easy to do.

Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be. When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time. When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment. As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.

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Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy. You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever. Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out. Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression. Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout. You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain. There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being. Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us. Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with. Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves. If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals. Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy. According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood. So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet. Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep. We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times. When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day. Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.

Yes, the Coronavirus is placing even more challenges and difficulties upon us, as foster parents. And, in truth, the children in our homes are suffering even more so, as well. Yet, we are given the chance, as foster parents, to save them from experiencing other future horrors and taking them away from dangerous situations. Without a doubt, this is a joy itself. As a foster parent, indeed, as a parent, you are making a difference! You are saving a child from harm! It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care. There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.

-Dr. John
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How To Help Your Own Children While Caring For Foster Children

3/2/2020

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My children are a very important part of my foster parenting. Without them, my wife and I would not have been able to foster the forty plus children that have come through our home. At one point, we had 11 children living in our home. As you can imagine, the house can become quite dirty quite quickly! The amount of laundry, dishes, and general cleaning can be overwhelming in a hurry. Along with that is the homework, soccer games, marching band practices, piano lessons, and other activities that children are involved with after school. Furthermore, there are doctor's appointments, therapy sessions, and visitations that come along with children in foster care.

At the end of the day, my wife and I were often exhausted and worn out. If not for the help of our children, we might have been crushed by the load of work. Not only did the children help out with the laundry, dishes, and other house hold chores, they also helped with feeding our many younger foster children, reading them stories, and playing with them. Most importantly, though, my own biological and adoptive children have come to love their siblings from foster care, and treat them as part of our own family. It is this love that has been an instrumental part in how our foster children not only fit into our home and family, but has also been vital to helping the healing process that many of our foster children have sorely needed. It is this type of help, and this type of love that has helped us continue to be a foster family, despite the difficult times and challenges we have faced over the years.

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When you decide to become a foster family, you not only need to prepare yourself, but prepare your children, as well. After all, their lives are going to change, too. Your children will not only be sharing their home, but they will be sharing you; their parents. This can be difficult for them to understand, and they will need your support more than ever.

Take some time to sit down with your children and remind them why you chose to be a foster parent. If possible, give them a little training session of your own, and explain to them what it means to be a foster home, and a foster family. More importantly, explain to them what it will mean to be a foster sibling. Share with them, also, the information they need to know about your new foster child when he comes to your home.

If they are too young to understand why a child might be in foster care, do not burden or confuse them with this information, they will simply not need more information or details. Your older children may be curious as to why the foster child is coming to live with them. Share with them what you know, and remind them that the foster child is probably hurting, frightened, and may reject your family in the first few days and weeks. Tell your children that it will take time to form a relationship with the foster child.

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Your own children may have concerns. Perhaps they are worried that they will have to share you with their new foster sibling. They may resent that there is a new person joining their family, sharing their toys, and sharing their parents. Ask them to share their feelings with you, and listen to what they have to say. Reassure your own children that you will always be there for them. You will also want to plan on setting aside some special time for just you and your own children, as they will need time alone with you during your fostering.

Make sure you also set aside some special time for just you and your spouse. As a foster parent, you may become worn out and exhausted. If you do not give attention to your own marriage and your spouse, but instead focus on being a parent to your children and your foster child, you may find your personal life suffering.

-Dr .John

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Is This Why You Continue to Care For Children in Foster Care?

2/1/2020

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It has been one of those months as a foster parent.

No doubt, you have probably had one of those months, yourself.

It really began four months earlier.

Our placement of three children, ages 4, 2, and 1, left our home a four months earlier, and had left my wife and me physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Even more, we were heartbroken when they children left. The four year old’s words haunted me for weeks; “Daddy, will you miss me and still love me after I leave?” Indeed, as I write this, tears begin to form in my eyes, and a heaviness appears once again in my heart.

After the children left our home, my wife and I spent considerable time in discussion and prayer. After 14 years of caring for children in foster care, with up to 11 children in our home on more than one occasion, along with my increasing work load traveling the nation training foster parents, social workers, and churches, coupled with my wife’s Lyme’s Disease, it appeared that our days as a foster family were coming to a close, at least for the time being.

Yet, four months later, the phone rang once more one evening. This time, it was a 17 year old boy, homeless, and in jail. According to the child welfare worker, the young man did not need to be in there, was not a trouble maker in the least, and simply needed a family to care for him. This straight A student needed a home to live in for the following 9 months of school. Emotionally challenged and filled with anxieties from the various forms of abuse he had suffered through the years, he just needed someone to care enough about him to help him.

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When I finally fell asleep that night, after a great deal of discussion with my wife and family, I felt that we would say no to this placement. I was surprised the next morning by my wife’s first words to me, after the alarm clock was shut off, without even a “Good morning” to me. Instead, she said “that poor boy can’t spend another day in jail. We have no choice. We have to help him.”

Indeed, while traveling across the country working with thousands of foster parents at training conferences and speaking engagements, I continue to meet many such foster parents, working tirelessly to help children in need. Over and over again, I am inspired by their stories of dedication, unconditional love, and servant hood. The foster parents I met in Texas who only cared for babies that were dying from a variety of terminal illnesses, rocking them in a chair until they died, and making sure they were loved until their last breath. The single foster father in South Carolina who only looked after troubled teenage boys. The single foster mother in West Virginia who cared for young teenage girls and their babies. These were just a few of the inspirational people I had met through the years, all dedicating their lives to helping children in need.

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To be sure, foster parenting is a choice, a voluntary act, if you will. Foster parents volunteer as an act of service to a child welfare agency or government organization. What many outside of foster care do not appreciate, though, is that foster parents have very little say in regards to the child’s life, as the agency or organization that has placed the child in the foster parent’s home have control over every key area and decision regarding the child, and which will affect his life. We are choosing to take care of children that are not ours, and doing so in a selfless manner. Sometimes, these children might keep us awake at night; sometimes they might challenges us; sometimes they might resist our attempts to care for us; sometimes they might even fight us.   It can be a daunting and difficult task, at times. Goodness knows it has been for me, on several occasions. Even now, when I thought we were going to finally take that long break, for a variety of reasons. Nevertheless, there are children right now who need us to care for them.

So, why do we continue to foster? Why, when my wife says she can no longer do it? Why, when our house is already full?   It’s really quite simple, and I am sure you feel the same way. When the phone rings, and the case worker tells us that there is a child in need, we answer the call. As my own family has pointed out to me on a few occasions, I cannot save every child. But to be sure, I can help some, and so can you.   Foster parents do make a difference. You are making a difference every time a foster child is placed into your home. You are making a difference every day a child is living with you. You are changing the life of a child. You are giving hope to a child, and you are giving that child a better future.

  -Dr. John

For more, purchase the best selling book that is changing foster care, Faith and Foster Care: How We Impact God's Kingdom.

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Three Critical Truths for Children in Foster and Kinship Care-Guest Blog by Beth Tyson

1/13/2020

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"My mommy is on tour with Taylor Swift!" is the response I once received from a child in foster care who didn't know the truth about why he couldn't live with his biological mother. As a therapist referred by the department of child protection for foster and kinship families, it was often my job to explain to children why they couldn't live with mom and dad. Having a therapist explain the truth sounds like a good idea until you learn that I worked with children who were in their 3rd or 4th foster homes due to behavior problems stemming from exposure to trauma, neglect, and abuse. How was it possible that I would be the first one telling the children the truth about why they could't live with their parents anymore? I saw this as a fundamental flaw in our system, but as a parent, I reluctantly understood how it happens.

Why We Don't Tell the Truth

Adults are afraid to be honest with children. We fear we will do more harm and increase
behavioral problems - potentially making our own lives more difficult. Lying or omitting the
truth to children is a protective measure that starts with good intentions and ends with dire
consequences. If a child is questioning their basic needs for safety, a home, and the love of a
parent, he will likely feel anxious, angry, and untrusting of adults. This constant state of hyper-
vigilance can impact the way his brain develops, causing long-term mental health disorders. A
child who is separated from a parent is exposed to adverse childhood experiences that could
manifest as symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) if the child does not receive
proper mental health care. Learning the truth about his life from you can be the first step toward
interrupting this dysfunction and allowing trust to build with a safe adult.

Being honest might initially seem counterintuitive, but the real truth is that children can handle
an age-appropriate level of the facts. According to Dr. Daniel J. Seigel in his book The Whole-
Brain Child, children who know the truth can regulate their emotions and integrate their
memories into a realistic narrative, and this helps them make sense of their world.

The Impact of Broken Trust

We know from the work of psychologist Dr. Erik Erickson that forming trust and attachment
with others is a critical component of healthy childhood development. If a child is neglected or
abused, his ability to trust others and the world is impaired. According to Fonagy- Luyten,
2009, the child's mistrust keeps him in a state of epistemic vigilance; or a high state of arousal
where he is continually scanning the environment for who he can trust. Prolonged states of
epistemic vigilance can lead to various mental and emotional disorders, typically observed in
children exposed to trauma. A child who feels unsafe in the world will usually display
challenging behavior at home or in school as a tool for survival. It might look like manipulative
behavior to an adult, but to a child, it is a defense mechanism to keep others at a distance so he
can feel a sense of control and safety in his life.

How to Tell the Truth to a Child in Foster or Kinship Care

I want to be clear that telling the truth does not mean the child needs to hear every detail about
the mistakes and problems in his parent's; lives. It is essential to be sensitive and use good
judgment when sharing information about why a child is in foster or kinship care. Being
confident, straight-forward, and matter-of-fact will go a long way. Young children can be
satisfied with a three-sentence explanation. All you need to provide is enough information to
quiet their restless minds about why they are not with mom and dad anymore. An initial
conversation with children as young as two and as old as eight can be a simple as the following,
and they will need to hear it several times before they absorb it completely.

"Your parents are unable to keep you safe, and kids need to be safe. It is my job now to keep you
safe. You will be safe with me."

This answer relieves the child of self-blame and also does not demean his parents. Staying
neutral about the biological parents at all times is vital because children can internalize any
negative messages they hear about them. They see themselves as a product of their biological
parents. Staying neutral is a way we can protect children from blaming and shaming themselves
for their parents' mistakes.

With older children and teens, you can add on more information slowly, and as they seem ready.
At the beginning of the conversation, let the child know that he can stop, pause, fast-forward, or
rewind the story whenever he wants to. This approach will put him in the driver seat and also
build trust .

The Other Truths Children in Care Need to Hear

2. "This is not your fault."
3. "I will do my best to be honest with you."

Children usually blame themselves for being removed from their parent's care. Explaining that
being in your custody is not their fault will help reframe their experience and improve their self-
worth. Lastly, sharing with the child that you will do your best to be honest with him, and
following through on that promise, will allow trust and attachment to build between you.

Improving trust and attachment will reduce anxiety and increase positive interactions amongst
family members.

Knowing the truth about your life, no matter what your age, is a foundational requirement for
mental health. You have the opportunity to be an example of a trustworthy adult in a child's life.
Even if what you have to tell them initially hurts, be the one person they know they can trust.

-Beth Tyson
Beth W. Tyson is a psychotherapist and children's author whose tender-hearted book, A Grandfamily for Sullivan explores the challenges of family separation and kinship care. Sullivan's story is a therapeutic tool for children impacted by loss and trauma and opens the door to age-appropriate conversations about why a child can't live with his biological parents. A Grandfamily for Sullivan and additional mental health resources for foster and kinship families are available at www.bethtyson.com.
Twitter: @author_tyson
Facebook: Author Beth Winkler Tyson
Instagram: @thekinshipcoach
Linked-In: Beth Winkler Tyson

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A New Year's Message for Foster Parents Like YOU!

12/31/2019

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The rewards and joys of being a foster parent are endless. I have been able to watch a four-year-old girl smile for the first time. I mean, truly smile, for the first time in her life, after years of horrific sexual abuse by her grandfather. Then there was the blessing of helping a six-year-old boy, learn how to laugh, slowly at first, as if he were too nervous to allow himself to find joy in life; a six-year old boy who had only known harsh, physical abuse by both his parents; those sworn to protect and love him. There was the joy of helping a 17-year-old boy, abandoned by his mother, discover that he does have value and worth in his life, that he is important, and that he can accomplish great things. After living with us for nine months, we had the joy of watching this 17-year-old boy graduate from high school, and enroll into college, thus beating the odds against him.

Sure, foster parenting is hard. At times, very hard. Yet, foster parenting has been a tremendous gift to me, too. And I bet it has for you, as well.

Perhaps you have the desire to help out children who suffer from abuse or neglect. Maybe you feel compassion for children who face malnutrition or even drug -related problems passed on from a mother’s addiction. Possibly, your heart goes out to those children who are rejected by those who were supposed to love them most: their parents.. After all, you feel that every child deserves the right to be in a healthy and supportive home, and most importantly, every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. As a foster parent, you have the opportunity to help these children in need. When you foster a child, not only do you invest in the future and well-being of a child, you are also changing the life of that child.

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To be sure, there have been those placements that have been more difficult and more challenging than others, — placements that have left both my wife and I weary and exhausted. Sometimes, we may not be able to save a child from having a horrible and tragic experiences before they come to live with us. Yet, we are given the chance, as foster parents, to save them from experiencing other future horrors, and taking them away from dangerous situations. Without a doubt, this is a joy itself. As a foster parent,; indeed, as a parent, you are making a difference! You are saving a child from harm! It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care. There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.

As we begin this new year, I want to remind you that what you are doing is important. What you are doing matters. What you are doing is truly making a tremendous difference in the lives of children in need. Though you may feel exhausted at times, and though you may feel that you are not making an impact, you are changing the life of a child. You are planting a seed in the life of a child in foster care that WILL grow, and WILL bloom. You may not see this transformation while the child is living in your home; this seed may not blossom until much later, but it will blossom if you plant it with love, water it with your tears, and nurture it with your time and compassion.

It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care. There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help. May you have the strength and resources, compassion and support; and may you continue to change the life of a child in foster care.

-Dr. John

Want MORE? Order your signed copy of the new book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families. Order your special copy HERE.

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Why Christmas and the Holidays are Difficult for Children in Foster Care....and how YOU can Help.

12/3/2019

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You know the familiar phrase. ’Tis the season to be jolly.   Not for the roughly half a million children in foster care in the United States.   It is often a time of great sadness and despair., a time of loneliness and of rejection. For these children, it is a reminder of so much anxiety and trauma in their young lives. Many foster children are faced with the realization that they will not be “home for the holidays,” so to speak, with their biological family members.   It is a reminder that they are separated from their parents and family.

I have a question for you. Do you remember waking up as a child on Christmas morning?   If you were like me, you couldn’t wait to get your parents up, and dash into the room where your Christmas tree was.   Wrapping paper flying, screams of joy and surprise, great food, family surrounding you; it was truly a magical day. I imagine you have fond memories of it. I also imagine that you probably carry on some of the traditions you grew up with, and share them with your own children, or even your grandchildren. For most of us, Christmas is a time of family, a time of joy, and a reminder of God’s love for each of us. It is also a time where we hope and pray for peace on Earth, good will to all men.

For children in foster care, though, it is a very different experience. When they wake up Christmas morning, and are surrounded by people who just may be strangers to them, strangers who are laughing and having fun, it can be a very difficult time for them, indeed. To be sure, it is a day that is a stark reminder to these children that they are not with their own family. It is during the holidays when families are supposed to be together, yet these children in care are not. They are not with their families, and they may not know when they will see them next.

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More than likely, a foster child will have feelings of sadness and grief, as he is separated from his own family during this time of family celebration.   After all, he is separated from his family during a time that is supposed to be centered AROUND family. Quite simply, they want to go home, to live with their family members, despite the abuse and trauma they may have suffered from them, and despite all that you can and do offer and provide for him. Therefore, this time of holiday joy is especially difficult.

I witnessed something like this recently. We had a child in our home, Andrew, who had come from a house of horrors, along with his two other siblings. His mother was a meth addict, his father was never in the picture, and his house had no electricity, no food, no water, no plumbing, no heat, nor no air Andrew was often full of rage, and was openly defiant at times, while at other times was considerate and well mannered.

Four months after his arrival into our home, Christmas rolled over on the calendar. As we do for everybody in our house, we celebrated this Christmas in a large way. First, my wife and I woke all of the children in our home singing “Merry Christmas”. I was a little surprised when his older brother and sister told me that they didn’t know the words to a classic and familiar Christmas song. Later that morning, when a present with his name was placed in front of him, wrapped in colorful and festive wrapping paper, our foster son simply stared down at it, then to us, and then back to the present. “What is it?” he asked. With smiles on their faces, and laughter in their voices, our own children then encouraged him to open it up. Looking down at it with a confused look, Andrew simply said, “I don’t know how.”

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He didn’t know how. An eleven year old boy did not know how to open a present. Can you imagine? He had never had a present to open before. Not on Christmas, not on his birthday, not on a holiday. No one to tell him how special he was on the day he was born, and how much he mattered on the day that was supposed to be celebrated in his honor.

So, how can you help this difficult time be more joyous? To begin with, foster parents can best help their foster child by spending some time and talking about the holiday. Let the foster child know how your family celebrates the holiday, what traditions your family celebrate, and include the child in it. Ask your foster child about some of the traditions that his family had, and try to include some of them into your own home during the holiday. This will help him not only feel more comfortable in your own home during this time, but also remind him that he is important, and that his birth family is important, as well. It is important to keep in mind that many foster children may come from a home where they did not celebrate a particular season, nor have any traditions in their own home. What might be common in your own home may be completely new and even strange to your foster child. This often includes religious meanings for the holiday you celebrate. Again, take time to discuss the meaning about your beliefs to your foster child beforehand.

You can help him by allowing him to talk about his feelings during the holidays. Ask him how he is doing, and recognize that he may not be happy, nor enjoy this special time. Look for signs of depression, sadness, and other emotions related to these. Allow him space to privately grieve, if he needs to, and be prepared if he reverts back to some behavior difficulties he had when he first arrived into your home. After all, he is trying to cope with not being with his own family during this time when families get together. These feelings and these actions are normal, and should be expected. You can also help your foster child by sending some cards and/or small gifts and presents to their own parents and birth family members. A card or small gift to his family members can provide hope and healing for both child and parent, and help spread some of the holiday cheer that is supposed to be shared with all.

This IS the season of giving, and we are all called to give unto others. With a little preparation beforehand from you, this season of joy can be a wonderful time for your foster child, one that may last in his memory for a life time, as well as in your memory, too. After all, the gift of love is one that can be shared, not only during the holidays, but all year long, with the child, with the family, and with all we meet. May you experience this joy and may you share it with others.
-Dr. John

Want MORE? Order your signed copy of the new book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families. Order your special copy HERE.

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Transracial Fostering and Adoption: Committing to Fatherhood

11/18/2019

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“Why so young?” Is the million dollar question I always get. Committing to be a father didn’t mean my life was over - it meant Life was finally starting to get better for me. Fatherhood gave me a purpose and it was at a time in my life I really couldn’t see what was ahead for me. While becoming a foster parent I definitely couldn’t predict the outcome would be Adoption.

If you thought adopting a child at 22 years old was out of the ordinary, throw in the fact that your child is Caucasian and you’re African American. Now, at the time, I didn’t understand how uncommon our situation was as a family. I must admit, before Jaxon came along my experience with white children was at a zero. I didn’t realize how much I needed to know about before caring for him.

Here’s the shortlist of what I didn’t prepare for:
1. Where to go for haircuts
2. What kind of foods he eat
3. Yes, I forgot sunscreen once or twice
4. Proper clothing (cultural wise)
5. And the fact that he would call me “Dad”

This list, among other things, is not something I anticipated when agreeing to take Jaxon into my home. I definitely had a lot to learn at the time and didn’t have a problem admitting it. Out of that list, the one thing that surprised me the most was Jaxon calling me Dad. Honestly, when he first said it I was extremely surprised. In that moment what I realize was that this child is about to change my life for the better. Jaxon is going to teach me so much more then his little heart knows. I would think to myself, “How can he just call me Dad without giving it a second thought?”, “Am I really deserving of this title that this child has bestowed on me?”, “Does he realize I’m Black?”. Here’s the truth, Jaxon didn’t care what I looked like, all he wanted was to have a consistent father in his life. He wanted someone to commit to take care of his needs as a child. For him to embrace me as his father and not feel embarrassed to call me, a black man, Dad spoke volumes. Sure, we would get looks when he would call me Dad in public it just didn’t matter to him.

Committing to being Jaxon’s father meant, to me at least, that every decision I made had to revolve around him and his well-being. We lived in a very urban area, personally I didn’t feel comfortable keeping him there in that environment. Me being a committed father, I felt we needed to move to a more diverse area with schools that presented better opportunities and resources, so that’s what I did. In addition it was important to me that Jaxon was able to see more people that looked like him on a regular basis.

Let’s face it, we will never avoid conversations about race outside our home but inside I’m thankful there are no issues. I actually don’t foresee any issues in the future. Why? My boys know they have a father that is committed to their character and well-being, not their skin.

“Get Connected, Stay Connected”

Barry Farmer grew up in Kinship Care with his grandmother from ages 5-18. For the last 15 years he's been devoted to working inside and outside the classroom with youth and their families. Learn more about him at barryfarmer.com

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