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How Routine Can Help Bring Healing to Children in Foster Care

11/2/2022

A few years back, we had a teenager placed into our home that lied about his mother on a daily basis. According to him, she had a great paying job as a manager of a major restaurant chain, had never been in trouble with the law, was a loving parent, and the greatest mother of all time. If you were to listen to him, his mother was a pillar of the community. In reality, she had been in jail, and had been there numerous times. She neglected her children, was addicted to Meth, and was both jobless and homeless. Yet, despite our knowledge of the truth, we did not criticize him for lying, nor criticize his mother. We simply reminded him the importance of telling the truth, at all times, and reassured him that his mother was an important person. If your foster child wants to, allow him to speak about his family. He may wish to brag about them to you. He might even lie about them, hoping to impress you and your family.

At the same time, he may not wish to acknowledge the truth about his family, if it is in a negative fashion. Do not judge or criticize his biological parents, as this will only seek to create distance between yourself and your child, as he struggles with loyalty issues between you and his biological parents. No matter how long he has been with you and formed a deep relationship with, and no matter how much abuse he may have received from his own biological family, he will still love them, and wish to defend them. After all, they are his family. Instead, listen with an open ear and open heart, allowing him to see this, as it will encourage trust in you. Encourage him to put up pictures of his biological parents, birth family members, previous foster parents, and other important people in his life. Let him know that you understand how important these people are in his life.

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All families have some sort of routine and patterns of behavior that exist within their home. If your family is like my own, your own family has a routine that you follow on a daily or regular basis. This type of routine is important to the well being of your family, and to the functioning of your household. Depending upon the type of household your child from foster care came from, he may not be familiar with your day to day routine. Indeed, he may come from a home that had no set routine or schedule. Many of my own children from foster care have come from such a household. Even more, the child may have lived in a home where there were no expectations of him, and no rules for him to follow. It is important that you include your foster child into your family, and into your routine. When you do, you will help to give him a sense of belonging, of importance, and of accomplishment.

When including him into your routine, start off slow. If you give him too much to do, it can quickly become overwhelming to him, and even turn him off to your family. Indeed, it is important that you are patient with him, and allow him time to adjust to the fact that he is not with his biological family. Before expecting too much from him, give him some time alone to become comfortable with his new home, family, and surroundings. It also helps to build expectations, creates a calmer home, and teaches and healthy habits.

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Allow him time to observe your family's routine before expecting him to actively participate. In other words, just let him watch you and your family operate together, as a family unit. Some of your routines might be informal, such as dinner time habits, shoes in the house, respect for others when speaking, etc. If he has questions about your family's routine, and he likely will, answer them honestly, and at a level he can understand. Let him know why you do such activities in your house, and why his involvement is important to the well being of your entire family. All the while, it is necessary that you praise him along the way, offering him words of encouragement and gratitude from you. Remember, he may never have had any words of praise or thanks from his previous home, or from his biological family members. The words "Thank you so very much" and "You have really done a great job" can be both uplifting and encouraging to a child in foster care, and may help him on his road to healing.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the only children's book written just for children being placed into foster care, and into your foster home. Just click on the book title - A Different Home: A New Foster Child's Story.

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Having the Right Questions When a Foster Child Arrives

9/7/2022

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I love questions!

I love to find out as much about a topic I am involved in or interested in, and I am not afraid to ask questions about the topic until my knowledge is satisfied, and I feel better informed.

When I first met my wife, we were sitting together ready to perform for the late Rosa Parks at an event. She was the dancer, and I was the singer. We were traveling with the international super group Up With People, and it was one of our earliest performances. Her Australian accent really caught my attention, and her warm smile and personality had me hooked. I asked her question after question after question, just trying to get to know her more. After all, the more questions I asked, the more I discovered about her. Little did the both of us know that years later we would become married and care for over 50 children in our home and in our family as foster parents. Those questions sure did lay some of that groundwork!

That’s how it often is as a foster parent. You have questions as you await the arrival of a new child into your home. This can be a time of excitement, as well as anxiety. The phone call from a caseworker asking if you would like a foster child placed in your home can leave you in a state of apprehension. It is often a time of questions, from you and your family, as well as from the foster child. For the child coming into your home, it is especially an intimidating period. Remember, this new foster child is being moved, against his/her wishes, to a strange home and to an unknown family.

Perhaps the most important thing you can do to prepare for the arrival of a foster child is to educate yourself with as much background information and history as you can about the child. Ask those questions! Do not be concerned if you have a large number of questions for your caseworker when you are first approached about of a placement of a child in your house. While the caseworker may not have all the answers, you will find valuable information by asking. Some questions from the book The Foster Parenting Manual you might wish to consider include:

                -How old is the child?
                -Why is the child in care?
                -How long might the child stay with you?
                -Will the child need day care supervision?
                -Does the child have any learning disabilities or special needs of any kind?
                -Does the child have any anger management or extreme emotional issues that you need to be aware of?
                -Is this the first time the child has been in foster care?
                -Is the child’s medical shots up to date? Are there any medical concerns?
                -Is the child from the same town? Does the child need to be enrolled in your local school system?
                -Does the child have clothes? Will you need to buy diapers and baby wipes?

Once you have some of those answers, you can begin to better prepare for the arrival of the newest child to your family. Yet, there are other things you can do to help create that warm, loving, safe environment that the child needs to have when coming to your home.

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Although it is impossible to predict how he will react when he first meets you, it is important that you approach this time with caution and care. That first moment is so very important. When the caseworker pulls into your driveway, go out to the car and welcome the caseworker and child, introducing yourself immediately, with a warm smile and soft voice. Inform your foster child who you are and the role you will now play in his life. He may very well not understand the foster care system, or what foster parents do.

Do not insist that your new child call you mom or dad. Allow your foster child to call you by your first names, if you feel comfortable with this, or by whatever name he feels comfortable in calling you. As the child may be scared, do not insist that he react to you right away. This is a time of extreme difficulty, and your foster child may be in a state of shock.

As you help him inside with his possessions, take him by the hand, if he is a little one, or place a soft hand upon his shoulder, if he is a teenager. Actions like these can be reassuring that all will be okay, that he is in a safe and caring home.

Do not insist upon hugging, as he may be too embarrassed or hurt to do so.
Show him where he will sleep, and where his clothes will be kept. Have a nightlight already on in the room, if the room is dark. Ask if he is hungry, and offer him some food. If he doesn’t want any food, do not insist upon it. He will eat when he is ready and hungry.

To be sure, I was a little nervous when I first met my soon to be wife for the first time, as I was really attracted to her. I was also a little nervous the first time a child from foster care arrived in my home. Now, can you imagine how nervous, scared, anxious, and terrified that child is when he comes to your home? Most likely, he is feeling all of this and more. The better prepared you are for him, the more welcome he will feel.

-Dr. John

For more, purchase Dr. DeGarmo’s training book The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home. Get your signed copy HERE.

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Helping Troubled Teens in Foster Care

8/22/2022

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A few years back, my family grew once again with a child in need. This time, it was a 17 year old boy; one who had suffered tremendous neglect and even abuse from his biological mother over the course of a number of years. Furthermore, he was homeless when he came to us, as his mother had abandoned him one year earlier.

Oh, yes! You can imagine that it has been....shall we say....a little challenging? Having a 17 year old young man join a family can be adventuresome, if you will.   At that time, we had 9 children in our home, and each is adjusting to the latest family member. Was it always easy? In one word, no. Yet, we were, and still are, finding our way, and each day brings better understanding for all in the home.

Each stage of development can be difficult for a foster parent, but perhaps the teen years are the most challenging. This is an age where teenagers try to find their own identity, and is often a time where teens try to “cut the apron strings,” so to speak, in an attempt to gain self independence. If he has been in the foster care system for some time, he will have more than likely moved from placement to placement. Years of anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness, and broken trust will be difficult to break. You will have to have great patience with your teen from foster care, as he struggles with conflicting emotions as well as his role and place within your family.

Trust is one issue he will have a very difficult time with. Whether this is his first placement, coming directly from his birth parent’s house, or has had multiple placements, he may feel that the adults in his life have betrayed him. He has lost everything he knows and loves, and is now in a strange home with people who are not his parents. He will build up walls around himself, in an attempt to safe guard his feelings. You will likely have a hard time breaking through these walls, and trust will be difficult to establish, as he believes that he has no reason to place trust in you. Lies and mistruths are often common with teens in foster care, and you will have a difficult time knowing when he is sincere, and when he is misleading you.

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As a result of being removed from his home, he may have anger towards adults, and express that anger towards you. He may challenge your rules and expectations within your home, and argue with you about them, resenting the fact that he is being forced to live with people he does not know. Your teen from foster care may try to breaks as many of your rules, and make your life as miserable as possible, in the hope of you asking that he be removed from your home, believing that he will be returned to his biological family members. He may also seem highly withdrawn and depressed, and may not wish to be included in any of your family activities, along with any sort of social interaction. He may not appreciate all you do for him, and will seldom thank you for meeting his needs, providing for him, and showing him kindness and love. As he has been placed into your home against his will, he may runaway.

            As his body continues to change physically, he will become self absorbed. Hormonally, he will continue to develop, and his body will soon grow as he advances towards adulthood. Peer acceptance will be important to him, and he will seek to try and fit in with his fellow students. If he has moved often due to multiple placements, his school records may not be complete, and he may struggle in school. Learning disabilities may place him in a grade lower than other students in school, causing anxiety and embarrassment on his behalf. Behavior in school may also be challenging, as he lashes out in anger towards teachers and those in authority within the school.

            Perhaps the most important step you can take in helping your teen from foster care is building trust with him. This will take time, and you will have to have patience; do not expect him to come to your home trusting all you say and do. Give him space and allow him time to learn to trust you. Do not make promises to him that you are sure you are unable to keep. Once a promise is broken by you, it gives him further evidence that he cannot trust you. Talk to him on a personal level; find out what his interests are and encourage him to pursue those. Show interest in him, as well as in his biological family. Help him enroll in after school clubs and activities. Help him to research possible careers for him when he graduates from high school, and inform him that dropping out of high school will have severe negative consequences for him. Encourage him to express his feelings and emotions to you, as well as to a counselor, if necessary. He will need to learn that expressing his feelings is natural and healthy instead of keeping them inside.

            Establish rules and consequences for your household as soon as possible. Assign him chores and responsibilities in your house, allowing him to feel part of the family as well as give him a sense of importance and self worth. As he will want to establish a sense of identity and independence from you and your family, allow him to be a teenager; give him permission to try and fit in with the other students at his school with clothing styles, as long as they are appropriate. Set up a homework station for him at home, perhaps at the kitchen table, and create a time where he is to attend to his homework each night, perhaps when he gets home, or after dinner. Let him know that you will help him with his homework as much as you are able to do so. Do not allow him to have computer technology in his room, alone and unsupervised.

            No matter the age or ability of your teen from foster care, he needs you. When you take a foster child into your home, you are making a commitment to “foster” that child. Remember, “foster” means to take care of, to help grow, and help develop another person. Your foster child may not express gratitude, return love, or show appreciation for what you are trying to do, but it is important to keep in mind that you are making a difference, a difference that could indeed last a life time.

-Dr. John

For much more, get your signed copy of The Foster Parenting Manual. Order it HERE.

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The Reason Children in Foster Care are Failing in School

8/1/2022

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When I first began teaching, and before I was a foster parent, I knew very little about foster care, or about foster children. To be sure, what I thought I knew about children in foster care, and about the foster care system, was as far from the truth as possible. Like most of the general public, I had false ideas and beliefs about foster children, and much of it was negative, I am afraid to say. This was due mainly to the false stereotypes that abound in society. As a result, I was not prepared to meet the many needs that the students from foster homes so desperately needed while in my classroom. Even further, in all my years of college, and of additional instructional workshops, I did not have the training required to best help foster children as they struggled in my classroom, and neither did my colleagues.

After a few children from foster care had passed through my own home, I began to appreciate the fact that I had to not only adjust my teaching habits for children in crisis, but I also had to become my own children’s advocate at their own schools. I watched my foster children struggle in my fellow teacher’s classrooms, and also was witness to these same teachers as they failed to understand the various emotional challenges the children in my home were going through on a daily basis. To be sure, there were those times when I had to politely intervene on behalf of my foster child. There were also those times when I had to sit across the table from a fellow teacher as we discussed how my foster child’s behavior was interfering in the classroom setting. My desire to better assist both my colleagues and foster children led to my doctoral studies on the subject. I simply wanted to help children in foster care succeed in school, as well as bring awareness about their struggles to our schools.

Children in foster care, in general, tend to perform below level in regard to both academic performance and in positive behavior than those students who come from either traditional homes as well as children from economically disadvantaged homes. The majority of children under foster care supervision experience problems in behavior while enrolled in public schools. Those foster children who were taken from homes due to neglect repeatedly suffer from a number of developmental delays. These include poor language and vocabulary development, thus impairing communication skills.

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For many children in foster care, our schools are the last place they want to be. For that foster child who has been taken from his family, from his home, from his friends, and all he knows, and suddenly placed into a strange home late one evening, only to be forced to attend a strange school the following day, it is incredibly traumatic. Foster children often have a difficult time with exhibiting proper school behavior during the school day. For many of the children, school is a constant reminder that they are, indeed, foster children without a true home. The continuous reminder that their peers are living with biological family members while they are not is a difficult reality for them, and can be manifested in several ways. Some foster children simply withdraw and become anti-social, in an attempt to escape their current environment and world they have been thrust into. For many foster children, violent behavior becomes the norm, as they not only act out in a negative and disruptive fashion in the school, but in their foster home, too, prompting yet another move to another foster home and another school (see the book Helping Foster Children in School: A Guide for Foster Parents, Social Workers, and Teachers, (DeGarmo, Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2015).

Since children in foster care are often behind academically, as well as struggle with the fact that they are coming from outside school districts with different expectations, teachers in your child’s school need to be conscious of this fact. Foster children struggle with many personal and emotional issues while in the foster home, and homework is often not the main objective while in the home each evening. Instead, the emotional issues your child faces may take center stage on a particular evening. Teachers need to assign homework with this in mind, being sensitive to their issues. Let your child’s teacher know this, and ask that they cooperate with you on this. Meet with the teachers, the school counselor, and perhaps even an administrator of the school when you enroll your foster child, and explain these concerns to them. Like I was beforehand, it is highly likely that they have not had much experience with foster children, nor the challenges they face.

As a foster parent, you will need to reach out to the teachers, and ask for as much information and updates as possible. It is essential to your child’s success in school that you become actively involved and interested in your child’s school life. Look for ways to volunteer in the school. Encourage your foster child to become active in after school activities. Take an interest in your child’s school work, and make sure it is done to the best of his ability each evening. Help your child study, and praise him when he does well. If you have a young foster child in the early years of school, read to him each evening, or listen to him read to you. Help him with his spelling and writing skills. Quite simply, be your foster child’s advocate with his teachers, and in his school. Without your help, your child from foster care is not going to find success, in any fashion.

As I write this, school is about to begin in my area. I have already met with the teachers of the children currently living in my home. Fortunately, these teachers have already taught many of the children from foster care who my wife and I have been blessed to have in our home over the years, and these teachers and I have been able to build a healthy working partnership, through both good times and bad. It is only with the combined effort of you, your child’s teachers, and your caseworker, that your foster child has a chance for success in school. You need to lead this charge. You need to be your child’s advocate. Your child is counting on you. Will you let her down?

-Dr. John
The Foster Care Institute

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How Being a Foster Parent Changed Me as a Person.

7/26/2022

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“How has your life changed while being a foster parent?”

It was a question I had been asked a great deal of late. Recently, I had been doing the rounds of radio and TV interviews while promoting my book,The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families.

Like most people, many of the radio and TV
hosts had very little knowledge of what being a foster parent is really about. I would imagine many of your own friends and family members don’t really understand what you do, either.   Additionally, they likely do not understand how your life has changed.

                I have said it many times, in many places; foster parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. It IS hard work. At the same time, it is also Heart Work. It is the most important job I have done, as well. I have been able to watch the lives of over 60 children change while living in my home.

                Yet, my life has changed, also, in so many ways, in so many areas. Of the 60 plus children that has come to my home, come to live with my family, each has made me a better person and has made an impact on my life in some way.

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                I have learned to love deeper, more openly, and without abandon. I have learned to love each child that comes into my home in an unconditional manner, and without reservations. I am no longer ashamed to tell people that I love them. I cry openly now, and am no longer embarrassed when it happens. The saying that “real men don’t cry” is rubbish to me. I have become an emotional cripple in that manner, yet in a healthy way. In a way that I embrace.

                Foster parenting has created a sense of urgency within me to make a difference in the lives of those in need. Perhaps it is due to the children’s horror stories that I have been witness to, and have watched come through my home.   I now am able to see the pain and suffering in others, and am better equipped to help them. To be sure, I have always been one that has wanted to help others, but since I have become a foster parent to children who have suffered from abuse, from neglect, and from being abandoned, all by those who profess to love them the most-their birth family members, I have felt compelled to help even more.

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    I have learned to forgive more. Love and forgiveness are two actions that are intertwined, and cannot be separated. If we truly love others, then we need to forgive, as well. Without forgiveness, there is no love. When I was angry towards our foster teen’s mother, I was in no way sharing love. Instead, my stomach was in knots, and I was one tense parent. I was shackled by my own inability to forgive someone, a prisoner to a debilitating emotion. Yet, when I did forgive her, it felt like a weight was taken off my own shoulders. One of the amazing things about the act of forgiving others is that it allows us better use our energies towards something that is more constructive, more positive. Forgiveness frees us from the forces of hate and evil, and instead allows us to draw closer to others, and gives us more strength to do the work we are called to do. When we forgive the actions of our foster child’s birth parents, not only are we showing love to them, and empowering ourselves, we are also honoring our foster children.

  Foster parenting has transformed me into becoming a better parent to my own children, husband to my wife, and citizen to my community and the world. For each child that has come through my home, I give thanks. For each child that has allowed my family to grow, you will always be part of my family. For each child that spent time in the foster care system while living with my family, I shall always love you.

    To my fellow foster parents, thank you for what you do. Thank you for making sacrifices in your own life to care for those in need. Thank you for loving children without abandon, and as family. Thank you for changing the lives of those in need. May your own lives be changed, as well.

-Dr. John

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Scared! What to do When a Child from Foster Care Moves to Your Home!

6/28/2022

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Frightened.

The three children stood in front of my wife and me. The four year old girl, here two year old sister, and one year old brother were so filled with fear, they would not look us in the eye, and were trying to hide their faces from us. It was quite clear that they were frightened, and I clearly understood why. These three children were scared of us, their new so called “parents”; their foster parents.

The three siblings had been placed into our home for reasons of sexual abuse, neglect, and abandonment. Those that proclaimed to love them the most, their birth parents, had committed horrific crimes of abuse upon these three innocent and defenseless children.

Yet, we were strangers to them. And they were scared.

Imagine, if you will, being taken away from your mother and your father, without any warning at all. Imagine being taken away from your siblings, your pets, your stuffed animals and toys. Imagine being taken away from your bedroom, house, yard, and neighborhood. Imagine, too, being taken from all of your relatives, friends, classmates, and everything you knew.   In addition, after all of this, imagine if you were suddenly thrust into a strange house, with strangers, and informed that this was your new home and new family for the time being. It is a very frightening time; one filled with fear, uncertainty, and anxiety. It is a time where even the bravest of children become scared.

“I wanna go home,” the four year old said.

“I know you do,” my wife responded, bending down to her and looking at her at eye level. Taking the little one in her arms, my wife tried to give the child a hug. Instead, the four year old pushed her away, with tears streaming down her cheeks.

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When a child is placed into your home, it can be a time of anxiety for not just the child, but for your family, as well. The first impression you create with your foster child is often vitally important to how the next few days and weeks will transpire. This will probably not be the sweet little child who rushes into your waiting arms, laughing delightfully, as you might imagine. It is highly likely that your foster child will be scared and frightened, full of anxiety. He may have left his family moments ago, and is now told that you are his family, for the time being. Without a doubt, he is full of questions, as emotions swirl within him.

As caseworkers remove a child from a home suddenly, most are unprepared. Foster children leave their home with a quick goodbye, leaving behind most of their belongings, with a few clothing and perhaps a prized possession hurriedly stuffed into a plastic bag. Before they know it, they are standing in front of you, strangers, people they have never met before.

After a tour of the home, and some milk and homemade chocolate chip cookies, the children seemed to find a little more peace; they seemed a little less anxious. Milk and cookies often do that to a child. My wife sat down with the three children on the blue sofa. The one year old boy sat in her lap, while the other two little girls sat either side of her. Then, as she always does, my wife read the three children a book. More specifically, she read them a children’s book about being in foster care. As it has happened several times in the past with many of the other young children placed in our home, I noticed the three children find some level in comfort with my wife. As she read to them, some of their anxieties lessened, and each of the three snuggled into my wife’s arms. Perhaps, just perhaps, they were beginning to understand that they were safe.

Make no mistake; we both knew that the days ahead would be difficult, and full of emotional challenges. The children were sure to have plenty of questions and concerns, and there were likely some tear filled nights and days ahead of us.

It takes great patience, understanding, and compassion to be a foster parent. During the first few nights of placement of a child into a foster home, it also takes a great deal of love. May you continue to love your foster child, and may we all continue to comfort them as they experience the loss of their own family when they move to ours.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the only children's book written just for children being placed into foster care, and into your foster home. Just click on the book title - A Different Home: A New Foster Child's Story.

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11 Statistics that will Startle You about Children During National Children's Awareness Month

5/30/2022

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June is National Children's Awareness Month.

Today's statistics are grim about children. In the United States each year:

-5 Million experience domestic violence in their homes.
-5 children die each day from abuse.
-78% of all child fatalities are 3 years old and under.
-Two-thirds of the people in treatment for drug abuse report being abused or neglected as children
-30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.
-1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will be sexually abused before they reach age 18.
-460,000 children are in foster care,
- 300,000 are victims of Human Trafficking,
-Almost 65,000 children are sexually abused.
-Children who experience child abuse & neglect are approximately 9 times more likely to become involved in criminal activity.
-30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.

Yet, much of this goes unheard.

To be sure, many of the protests that are happening around the United States of America, and across the globe are justified, and warranted. I wonder though, when we, as a society, will begin to truly bring attention to children; children who have no voice and no one to protest for them.

So many countries, in this 21st century, still do not give value to the rights of children. Children across the world are suffering from the hands of parents, from family, from adults, and from governments!

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In the United States, we pride ourselves on caring for Human Rights. We march in the streets, protesting the rights of gender and gender identification. We wear heats as we protest to the government about equality. We wave flags to for equal rights. Yes, human rights has become an important issue; one that fills people with passion, and even with acts of violence.

Yet, as a nation, we still have it wrong. We still don’t truly value the rights of children.
Studies show that up to five million children in the United States experience and/or witness domestic violence each year. Children in our nation are suffering from an epidemic of child abuse from those who proclaim to love them the most.

Children today, in the very city you live in, are victims of horrific crimes. As you read this, there are children who are falling prey to child sex trafficking As you sip your morning coffee, there are children who are being abandoned by those who profess to love them. As you watch your favorite reality tv show, there are children who are being abused so horrifically that many of us turn away; the reality of it too gruesome for us to acknowledge. Furthermore, these abusers and perpetrators may be your colleagues at work, members of your church, your neighbors, and even those who come to your annual family reunion.

People you know. People YOU know are abusing a child in some way.

So, I ask you this. Where is the outcry in our own nation? Where are the people marching in the streets for child abuse? Where are the hats and the signs to bring awareness about child sex trafficking here in America? Where are the loud voices protesting the government to give rights to children? When will we fight to protect the children in our own nation. When will the rights of children become part of the Human Rights Movement?

Perhaps that outcry needs to belong to you. Perhaps there is a child, right now, who is waiting, and even praying, that you fight for their human rights. It is happening across the world. When will it happen, TRULY happen, in your state, in your city, in your neighborhood?

It starts with me, and it starts with you.

Let's fight together.

-Dr. John

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The Importance of Self Care for Foster Parents

5/6/2022

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The past few years have been tough on foster parents.

The result: foster parents are exhausted. You, me, all of us. We are exhausted, filled with our own anxiety and confusion. As we struggled with all of the confusion and chaos that resulted from the Coronavirus, foster parents are in jeopardy of burnout, of stress, of compassion fatigue, and even of ending their time as foster parents.

Yet, as I have said countless times at conferences, training sessions, webinars, and with journalists, if we, as foster parents, do not care for ourselves, we can not care for the children in our home.

Here are a few ways that we can and NEED to care for ourselves, or Foster Parent Self Care.

Exercise, Diet, and Sleep time
Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy. You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever. Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out. Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression. Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout. You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain. There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being. Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us. Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with. Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

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Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves. If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals. Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy. According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood. So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet. Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep. We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times. When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day. Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.

Remember to “Be in the Moment”
I imagine that you have the same experiences from time to time. You worry too much about the future. You grow concerned about what has not happened yet. You allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties. My friend, that’s normal, and it is easy to do . Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be. When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time. When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment. As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.

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Your Own Support Group
I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent. Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life. It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.

Alone time
When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. By taking the following stress reducing steps, you will help to ensure your well being, as you care for others in your home.

Quite simply, you need to make time for yourself. As a foster parent, this will be difficult, as you will be required to take care of a child full time. Along with this, you may also need to care for your own children, as well as your spouse. You may have a full time job that requires a great deal of your energy, plus there are those other commitments you have, such as church, volunteering, and other organizations you might be involved in. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy.

-Dr. John

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How Being a Certified Child Life Coach can Help the Child in Foster Care in Your Home.

4/18/2022

11 Comments

Being a foster parent to children in trauma and children in crisis can be challenging. For many foster parents, they are simply not trained nor equipped with the strategies and knowledge they need to care for children who are suffering from anxiety. As a result, the children who are in crisis are not getting the help they need from those they are placed with.

Many times, children placed into foster care suffer from mental health issues. A placement disruption may be so severe to the child that it feels as if their entire world is falling apart. For them, it is. Everything they know to be true in their world is now turned upside down. Their mother and father are no longer there to comfort them when they are troubled, or afraid. The family they lived with, grew up with, laughed with, and cried with is no longer there to take care of them. The bed they woke up in each morning is now different. Far too many foster children, the school they went to, the teachers they learned from, and the friends they had formed relationship with, have also been taken from them. Instead, these children now live with a strange family, wake each morning in a different house, sit in an unfamiliar classroom, and are no longer surrounded by those who love and know them best. Children in foster care often struggle to best deal with and survive these traumatic events, as they struggle to adjust to a new home and new family. To be sure, the losses in their life, along with the lack of a permanent home, often times prevent these children from forming a secure and healthy attachment with a primary caregiver.

Issues from anxiety can manifest themselves in a number of ways. Perhaps the one that foster children face the most is separation anxiety, an excessive concern that children struggle with concerning the separation from their home, family, and to those they are attached to the most. Indeed, the more a child is moved, from home to home, from foster placement to another foster placement, or multiple displacements, the bigger the concern becomes. Those children who undergo many multiple displacements often times create walls to separate themselves in an attempt to not let others into their lives. In attempting to do so, many foster children end up lying to their foster families, as they try to keep their new family at a distance, and at the same time, give the child a sense of personal control.
Other anxiety disorders include obsessive-compulsive disorder, where a child repeats unwanted thoughts, actions, and/or behavior out of a feeling of need. Panic disorders find a child experiencing intense bouts of fear for reasons that may not be apparent.

These attacks may be sudden, and unexpected, as well as repetitive in their nature. Panic disorders also may coincide with strong physical symptoms, such as shortness of breath, dizziness, throbbing heart beats, or chest pains. Another anxiety disorder that foster children may face includes social phobias, or the fear of being embarrassed or face the criticism of others.

Fredrick Douglas once said that “it is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”

One way foster parents can help children in foster care, and children placed in our homes is by becoming a certified child life coach. Indeed, life coaching for children is often the missing link in children’s education. When we, as foster parents, become a certified child life coach, we are trained to better support children in developing powerful mindset skills. These skills will be able to help the children them manage the ups and downs of growing up, for becoming self-leaders, for living life with direction and achieving goals, and for creating happiness in their lives. In fact, as a child life coach, we can empower our children to develop mindset skill for:
• healthy self-esteem
• strong self-confidence
• resilience and coping skills
• self-leadership and good decision making
• goal setting and achievement skills
• happiness

Make no mistake, today’s children are experiencing more anxiety and more depression. The rate of suicide attempts are up for youth and teenagers. More children are suffering from abuse. When we care for these children in our homes, we need to be as equipped as we possibly can if we truly want to help them. Being a certified child life coach is one such way, as it empowers us to help empower the child.

-Dr. John DeGarmo

11 Comments

Working Side by Side with your Caseworker

3/7/2022

5 Comments

Through the years as a foster parent, I have worked alongside many different caseworkers. I have found that caseworkers are often over worked, under paid, under resourced, and overwhelmed. Indeed, they have a most difficult job. In order to help them, help your child from foster care, and help yourself, there a few things you can do to ensure that meetings go as smooth as possible.

You will most likely have a monthly meeting with your foster child’s caseworker. These meetings often are held in the home of the foster parents, as the caseworkers like to view the child from foster care where he has been placed, your home. Other times, you may be required to drive your child to a meeting with his biological family. Before you meet with your caseworker, whether at home or another setting, make sure you are prepared beforehand. Have all proper forms and information gathered together which you might need for the caseworker. This includes any school progress and report cards names and contact information for his teachers, calendar of upcoming events in your household, medical paperwork, receipts and invoices, and any other personal observations you may have noted for your child from foster care. Also have with you your child's medical information, such as doctor’s name, address, and phone number, primary health care information, as well as any dates for future medical and dental appointments. There are times when your caseworker might wish to have the birth family accompany the child to an appointment, and some planning by you beforehand will help this to go more smoothly for all involved.

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If you should be traveling to meet at a predetermined location, make sure that you arrive on time, and that both you and the child placed in your home are dressed nicely. You may be meeting with the birth family, and you will certainly not only wish to look nice for them, but you will also want the child to be dressed and looking nice for his family. This does not mean business attire and dresses for you and your child, but it does mean not showing up in dirty clothing, jeans with holes in them, and old faded t-shirts. A nice clean pair of pants, button up shirt, and nice dress shoes is appropriate, and presents a nice image for yourself, as well as the fact that your child placed with your family is looked after and well taken care of in the eyes of the biological parents and family members. You surely do not wish to give the impression that their child is living in a dirty environment, and that he is not living in a safe and loving home.

Like any healthy relationship, it is important that your relationship with your child from foster care's caseworker is an open one, and is built on trust and mutual respect. It is important that you share all information with the caseworker about your foster child. Be honest with your caseworker about any concerns you might have in regards to your child. If you see signs that the child placed in your home is having trouble adjusting to your home and family, share these concerns with the caseworker. Perhaps you have seen troubling signs after a visit with your foster child and the biological family members. If so, let your caseworker know. If you are worried about a possible reunification with the biological family, express these worries to the caseworker. If your foster child should become sick, let the caseworker know, even if it should be a day at home from the common cold or flu bug. Caseworkers have the responsibility of documenting everything when it comes to each of the foster children in their caseload. Do not be afraid of holding any information or concerns. Instead, the more you share with the caseworker, and the more honest you are, the stronger your partnership will become, which only benefits the wellbeing of your child.

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Take steps to develop lines of communication with the caseworker. Make sure the both of you have current telephone numbers and email addresses, for both home and work. Plan ahead, if possible, for home visitations, as well as visitations with the birth parents. There will be times when you will need to make a request to your caseworker, whether it is for permission to take your foster child on a vacation, attend a summer camp, or perhaps even attaining some additional reimbursement for a Christmas present. If you work from the beginning in establishing a strong partnership, these requests will be easier to make, and have a better chance of being met.

-Dr. John
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The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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How Being a Certified Child Life Coach can Help the Child in Foster Care in Your Home.

Working Side by Side with your Caseworker

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