​Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy.  You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever.  Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out.   Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression.  Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout.  You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain.  There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being.  Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us.  Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with.  Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves.  If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals.  Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy.  According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood.  So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet.  Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep.  We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times.  When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day.  Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.  

Yes, the Coronavirus is placing even more challenges and difficulties upon us, as foster parents.  And, in truth, the children in our homes are suffering even more so, as well. Yet, we are given the chance, as foster parents, to save them from experiencing other future horrors and taking them away from dangerous situations. Without a doubt, this is a joy itself. As a foster parent, indeed, as a parent, you are making a difference! You are saving a child from harm! It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care. There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.
​
                                                                             -Dr. John
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        My children are a very important part of my foster parenting. Without them, my wife and I would not have been able to foster the forty plus children that have come through our home. At one point, we had 11 children living in our home. As you can imagine, the house can become quite dirty quite quickly! The amount of laundry, dishes, and general cleaning can be overwhelming in a hurry. Along with that is the homework, soccer games, marching band practices, piano lessons, and other activities that children are involved with after school. Furthermore, there are doctor's appointments, therapy sessions, and visitations that come along with children in foster care.

       At the end of the day, my wife and I were often exhausted and worn out. If not for the help of our children, we might have been crushed by the load of work. Not only did the children help out with the laundry, dishes, and other house hold chores, they also helped with feeding our many younger foster children, reading them stories, and playing with them. Most importantly, though, my own biological and adoptive children have come to love their siblings from foster care, and treat them as part of our own family. It is this love that has been an instrumental part in how our foster children not only fit into our home and family, but has also been vital to helping the healing process that many of our foster children have sorely needed. It is this type of help, and this type of love that has helped us continue to be a foster family, despite the difficult times and challenges we have faced over the years.

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​
       When you decide to become a foster family, you not only need to prepare yourself, but prepare your children, as well. After all, their lives are going to change, too. Your children will not only be sharing their home, but they will be sharing you; their parents. This can be difficult for them to understand, and they will need your support more than ever.

      Take some time to sit down with your children and remind them why you chose to be a foster parent. If possible, give them a little training session of your own, and explain to them what it means to be a foster home, and a foster family. More importantly, explain to them what it will mean to be a foster sibling. Share with them, also, the information they need to know about your new foster child when he comes to your home.

​       If they are too young to understand why a child might be in foster care, do not burden or confuse them with this information, they will simply not need more information or details. Your older children may be curious as to why the foster child is coming to live with them. Share with them what you know, and remind them that the foster child is probably hurting, frightened, and may reject your family in the first few days and weeks. Tell your children that it will take time to form a relationship with the foster child.

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       Your own children may have concerns. Perhaps they are worried that they will have to share you with their new foster sibling. They may resent that there is a new person joining their family, sharing their toys, and sharing their parents. Ask them to share their feelings with you, and listen to what they have to say. Reassure your own children that you will always be there for them. You will also want to plan on setting aside some special time for just you and your own children, as they will need time alone with you during your fostering.

        Make sure you also set aside some special time for just you and your spouse. As a foster parent, you may become worn out and exhausted. If you do not give attention to your own marriage and your spouse, but instead focus on being a parent to your children and your foster child, you may find your personal life suffering.

                                                                              -Dr .John

"My mommy is on tour with Taylor Swift!" is the response I once received from a child in foster care who didn't know the truth about why he couldn't live with his biological mother. As a therapist referred by the department of child protection for foster and kinship families, it was often my job to explain to children why they couldn't live with mom and dad. Having a therapist explain the truth sounds like a good idea until you learn that I worked with children who were in their 3rd or 4th foster homes due to behavior problems stemming from exposure to trauma, neglect, and abuse. How was it possible that I would be the first one telling the children the truth about why they could't live with their parents anymore? I saw this as a fundamental flaw in our system, but as a parent, I reluctantly understood how it happens.

Why We Don't Tell the Truth

Adults are afraid to be honest with children. We fear we will do more harm and increase
behavioral problems - potentially making our own lives more difficult. Lying or omitting the
truth to children is a protective measure that starts with good intentions and ends with dire
consequences. If a child is questioning their basic needs for safety, a home, and the love of a
parent, he will likely feel anxious, angry, and untrusting of adults. This constant state of hyper-
vigilance can impact the way his brain develops, causing long-term mental health disorders. A
child who is separated from a parent is exposed to adverse childhood experiences that could
manifest as symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) if the child does not receive
proper mental health care. Learning the truth about his life from you can be the first step toward
interrupting this dysfunction and allowing trust to build with a safe adult.
 
Being honest might initially seem counterintuitive, but the real truth is that children can handle
an age-appropriate level of the facts. According to Dr. Daniel J. Seigel in his book The Whole-
Brain Child, children who know the truth can regulate their emotions and integrate their
memories into a realistic narrative, and this helps them make sense of their world.

The Impact of Broken Trust

We know from the work of psychologist Dr. Erik Erickson that forming trust and attachment
with others is a critical component of healthy childhood development. If a child is neglected or
abused, his ability to trust others and the world is impaired. According to Fonagy- Luyten,
2009, the child's mistrust keeps him in a state of epistemic vigilance; or a high state of arousal
where he is continually scanning the environment for who he can trust. Prolonged states of
epistemic vigilance can lead to various mental and emotional disorders, typically observed in
children exposed to trauma. A child who feels unsafe in the world will usually display
challenging behavior at home or in school as a tool for survival. It might look like manipulative
behavior to an adult, but to a child, it is a defense mechanism to keep others at a distance so he
can feel a sense of control and safety in his life. 

How to Tell the Truth to a Child in Foster or Kinship Care 

I want to be clear that telling the truth does not mean the child needs to hear every detail about
the mistakes and problems in his parent's; lives. It is essential to be sensitive and use good
judgment when sharing information about why a child is in foster or kinship care. Being
confident, straight-forward, and matter-of-fact will go a long way. Young children can be
satisfied with a three-sentence explanation. All you need to provide is enough information to
quiet their restless minds about why they are not with mom and dad anymore. An initial
conversation with children as young as two and as old as eight can be a simple as the following,
and they will need to hear it several times before they absorb it completely.

"Your parents are unable to keep you safe, and kids need to be safe. It is my job now to keep you
safe. You will be safe with me."

This answer relieves the child of self-blame and also does not demean his parents. Staying
neutral about the biological parents at all times is vital because children can internalize any
negative messages they hear about them. They see themselves as a product of their biological
parents. Staying neutral is a way we can protect children from blaming and shaming themselves
for their parents' mistakes. 

With older children and teens, you can add on more information slowly, and as they seem ready.
At the beginning of the conversation, let the child know that he can stop, pause, fast-forward, or
rewind the story whenever he wants to. This approach will put him in the driver seat and also
build trust . 

The Other Truths Children in Care Need to Hear
 
2. "This is not your fault."
3. "I will do my best to be honest with you."

 
Children usually blame themselves for being removed from their parent's care. Explaining that
being in your custody is not their fault will help reframe their experience and improve their self-
worth. Lastly, sharing with the child that you will do your best to be honest with him, and
following through on that promise, will allow  trust and attachment  to build between you.

Improving trust and attachment will reduce anxiety and increase positive interactions amongst
family members. 

Knowing the truth about your life, no matter what your age, is a foundational requirement for
mental health. You have the opportunity to be an example of a trustworthy adult in a child's life.
Even if what you have to tell them initially hurts, be the one person they know they can trust.

-Beth Tyson
Beth W. Tyson is a psychotherapist and children's author whose tender-hearted book, A Grandfamily for Sullivan explores the challenges of family separation and kinship care. Sullivan's story is a therapeutic tool for children impacted by loss and trauma and opens the door to age-appropriate conversations about why a child can't live with his biological parents. A Grandfamily for Sullivan and additional mental health resources for foster and kinship families are available at www.bethtyson.com.
​Twitter: @author_tyson
Facebook: Author Beth Winkler Tyson
Instagram: @thekinshipcoach
Linked-In: Beth Winkler Tyson

        You know the familiar phrase. ’Tis the season to be jolly.   Not for the roughly half a million children in foster care in the United States.   It is often a time of great sadness and despair., a time of loneliness and of rejection.  For these children, it is a reminder of so much anxiety and trauma in their young lives.  Many foster children are faced with the realization that they will not be “home for the holidays,” so to speak, with their biological family members.   It is a reminder that they are separated from their parents and family.

        I have a question for you.  Do you remember waking up as a child on Christmas morning?   If you were like me, you couldn’t wait to get your parents up, and dash into the room where your Christmas tree was.   Wrapping paper flying, screams of joy and surprise, great food, family surrounding you; it was truly a magical day. I imagine you have fond memories of it.  I also imagine that you probably carry on some of the traditions you grew up with, and share them with your own children, or even your grandchildren.  For most of us, Christmas is a time of family, a time of joy, and a reminder of God’s love for each of us. It is also a time where we hope and pray for peace on Earth, good will to all men.

         For children in foster care, though, it is a very different experience.  When they wake up Christmas morning, and are surrounded by people who just may be strangers to them, strangers who are laughing and having fun, it can be a very difficult time for them, indeed.  To be sure, it is a day that is a stark reminder to these children that they are not with their own family.  It is during the holidays when families are supposed to be together, yet these children in care are not.  They are not with their families, and they may not know when they will see them next. 

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            More than likely, a  foster child will have feelings of sadness and grief, as he is separated from his own family during this time of family celebration.   After all, he is separated from his family during a time that is supposed to be centered AROUND family.  Quite simply, they want to go home, to live with their family members, despite the abuse and trauma they may have suffered from them, and despite all that you can and do offer and provide for him.  Therefore, this time of holiday joy is especially difficult. 

        I witnessed something like this recently. We had a child in our home, Andrew, who had come from a house of horrors, along with his two other siblings. His mother was a meth addict, his father was never in the picture, and his house had no electricity, no food, no water, no plumbing, no heat, nor no air Andrew was often full of rage, and was openly defiant at times, while at other times was considerate and well mannered.
 
        Four months after his arrival into our home, Christmas rolled over on the calendar. As we do for everybody in our house, we celebrated this Christmas in a large way. First, my wife and I woke all of the children in our home singing “Merry Christmas”. I was a little surprised when his older brother and sister told me that they didn’t know the words to a classic and familiar Christmas song. Later that morning, when a present with his name was placed in front of him, wrapped in colorful and festive wrapping paper, our foster son simply stared down at it, then to us, and then back to the present. “What is it?” he asked. With smiles on their faces, and laughter in their voices, our own children then encouraged him to open it up. Looking down at it with a confused look, Andrew simply said, “I don’t know how.”

        He didn’t know how. An eleven year old boy did not know how to open a present. Can you imagine? He had never had a present to open before. Not on Christmas, not on his birthday, not on a holiday. No one to tell him how special he was on the day he was born, and how much he mattered on the day that was supposed to be celebrated in his honor.

        So, how can you help this difficult time be more joyous? To begin with, foster parents can best help their foster child by spending some time and talking about the holiday. Let the foster child know how your family celebrates the holiday, what traditions your family celebrate, and include the child in it. Ask your foster child about some of the traditions that his family had, and try to include some of them into your own home during the holiday. This will help him not only feel more comfortable in your own home during this time, but also remind him that he is important, and that his birth family is important, as well. It is important to keep in mind that many foster children may come from a home where they did not celebrate a particular season, nor have any traditions in their own home. What might be common in your own home may be completely new and even strange to your foster child. This often includes religious meanings for the holiday you celebrate. Again, take time to discuss the meaning about your beliefs to your foster child beforehand.

        You can help him by allowing him to talk about his feelings during the holidays. Ask him how he is doing, and recognize that he may not be happy, nor enjoy this special time. Look for signs of depression, sadness, and other emotions related to these. Allow him space to privately grieve, if he needs to, and be prepared if he reverts back to some behavior difficulties he had when he first arrived into your home. After all, he is trying to cope with not being with his own family during this time when families get together. These feelings and these actions are normal, and should be expected. You can also help your foster child by sending some cards and/or small gifts and presents to their own parents and birth family members. A card or small gift to his family members can provide hope and healing for both child and parent, and help spread some of the holiday cheer that is supposed to be shared with all.

        This IS the season of giving, and we are all called to give unto others. With a little preparation beforehand from you, this season of joy can be a wonderful time for your foster child, one that may last in his memory for a life time, as well as in your memory, too.  After all, the gift of love is one that can be shared, not only during the holidays, but all year long, with the child, with the family, and with all we meet.  May you experience this joy and may you share it with others.
                                   -Dr. John

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“Why so young?” Is the million dollar question I always get. Committing to be a father didn’t mean my life was over - it meant Life was finally starting to get better for me. Fatherhood gave me a purpose and it was at a time in my life I really couldn’t see what was ahead for me. While becoming a foster parent I definitely couldn’t predict the outcome would be Adoption.

If you thought adopting a child at 22 years old was out of the ordinary, throw in the fact that your child is Caucasian and you’re African American. Now, at the time, I didn’t understand how uncommon our situation was as a family. I must admit, before Jaxon came along my experience with white children was at a zero. I didn’t realize how much I needed to know about before caring for him.

Here’s the shortlist of what I didn’t prepare for:
1. Where to go for haircuts
2. What kind of foods he eat
3. Yes, I forgot sunscreen once or twice
4. Proper clothing (cultural wise)
5. And the fact that he would call me “Dad”

This list, among other things, is not something I anticipated when agreeing to take Jaxon into my home. I definitely had a lot to learn at the time and didn’t have a problem admitting it. Out of that list, the one thing that surprised me the most was Jaxon calling me Dad. Honestly, when he first said it I was extremely surprised. In that moment what I realize was that this child is about to change my life for the better. Jaxon is going to teach me so much more then his little heart knows. I would think to myself, “How can he just call me Dad without giving it a second thought?”, “Am I really deserving of this title that this child has bestowed on me?”, “Does he realize I’m Black?”. Here’s the truth, Jaxon didn’t care what I looked like, all he wanted was to have a consistent father in his life. He wanted someone to commit to take care of his needs as a child. For him to embrace me as his father and not feel embarrassed to call me, a black man, Dad spoke volumes. Sure, we would get looks when he would call me Dad in public it just didn’t matter to him.

Committing to being Jaxon’s father meant, to me at least, that every decision I made had to revolve around him and his well-being. We lived in a very urban area, personally I didn’t feel comfortable keeping him there in that environment. Me being a committed father, I felt we needed to move to a more diverse area with schools that presented better opportunities and resources, so that’s what I did. In addition it was important to me that Jaxon was able to see more people that looked like him on a regular basis.

Let’s face it, we will never avoid conversations about race outside our home but inside I’m thankful there are no issues. I actually don’t foresee any issues in the future. Why? My boys know they have a father that is committed to their character and well-being, not their skin.

“Get Connected, Stay Connected”

Barry Farmer grew up in Kinship Care with his grandmother from ages 5-18. For the last 15 years he's been devoted to working inside and outside the classroom with youth and their families.  Learn more about him at barryfarmer.com

 
 It is important to have your own support group while. This applies not only for your personal life, but also as a foster parents, as we have seen.   A support group of fellow foster parents will also help to strengthen your marriage, as well.  As you find strength and wisdom from your foster parent support group, whether in a local foster parent association, through an online social media group, or through both, you will find that some of your stress and anxieties that come from being a foster parent to a child in need will ease.  This will, no doubt, help your marriage, as well.
 
The Power Of Respite
As I write this, a few months back, my wife and I took our first real vacation together, with no children, in over 20 years.  Let me share that again with you.  We took our first real vacation, as a couple, just her and I, child free, in over 20 years.  While it was only for a week, it was an incredible rewarding and enjoyable time, as we were able to reconnect with friends of ours from Europe. Don’t you know that when you are in an international marriage like mine, you end up having friends from every part of the world?  Yes, a part of me didn’t want to come back home, as it was so refreshing, and a much needed break for the two of us.  We were able to do so in part to respite care.  

There are those times, of course, when foster families simply become exhausted, or “burned out,” if you will.  Perhaps the foster child has been in the home for an extended period of time, and the family has grown mentally, emotionally, and physically weary from care.  To be sure, this is a very real possibility, and is one that should not be ignored.  In order for the family to remain not only healthy foster parents, but a healthy family unit, they may merely need a break from care, an opportunity to “recharge their batteries,” and a chance to focus on their own family unit, lest it begin to suffer from exhaustion and lack of attention.  Respite may be the solution, as the child is placed into another foster home while the original foster family regains some of their strength, If your marriage is under duress, and you feel like you can’t continue much further, you might wish to consider this option.

​                          (Excerpt from The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Guide for Today's Foster Parents)

                               -Dr. John

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Love changes people and circumstances. If you doubt that, consider the first time
you heard, “I love you,” or “will you marry me,” or “I choose YOU.” The feeling of being loved and valued, even cherished, changes us. You might even say it completes us.

Conversely, feeling unloved and unwanted changes us too. The feeling of being
unloved may be the worst emotion a person can feel. It makes you feel empty, like a big part of you is missing. Actually, it is. Humans need love. We need to receive it, and just as importantly, we need to give it. When we feel loved, we feel safe enough to be our true selves. Our authentic personalities emerge, and we (and everyone within our influence) finds out that we’re actually pretty awesome in our own unique way.

When we are loved and feel safe enough to be ourselves, that’s when living gets really fun because we can step out and try to reach for our biggest, most audacious dreams. Being loved doesn’t eliminate the fear of failure, but it provides a safety net that even in the event that we fall short of achieving our big, bold goals, we’ll fall softly into
the presence of someone who loves us regardless of our accomplishments, someone who knows our faults and failures and loves us anyway, someone who consoles us and celebrates our willingness to reach for the stars regardless of results.

We all know that love is much more than mere words. In fact, we’ve nearly worn out the word, “love.” We love ice cream, we love our new job, we love where we live. In our language and culture, we use this same word to describe how we feel about the people we care most about. We love our families, our children, our best friends, and so on. Anyone who’s ever been betrayed by someone they loved will tell you that real love is much more than words.

When someone says that they love us, we check to see if their actions match their words before we believe them. We all know that when a person says they love us but then puts us down, talks badly about us to others, lies to us, betrays us, or otherwise mistreats us, we question the sincerely of their words. We know that those words that we all long to hear, spoken by a “bad actor” are meaningless. We also know that the person who is always there for us, treats us with respect, and shows their concern in a meaningful, measurable way may not ever say the actual words, “I love you,” but their actions communicate volumes.

It’s always nice to hear, “I love you,” but if those words are not backed up by well- intended actions, the words are empty. If given the choice to hear the words, unaccompanied by sincere acts of loving kindness, or receiving the acts of kindness and love without the spoken words, we’d always choose the actions. The words are important, but the loving actions are the substance that changes people and situations.

Love is more than words.

Starting today, let’s be the ones to show others how to put our love into action. Let’s start with those closest to us. Let’s decide not to assume that other people know how we feel about them. Let’s make the effort to show them. By being the first to back our words with acts of kindness, mercy, and love, we will be improving our lives, the lives of those within our influence, and we will be modeling for others how to do the same. In this way, putting our love in action can have a ripple effect—hopefully one that never ends.

This world is a crazy and sometimes painful place. You never know what someone is dealing with, or when your words or actions will give the encouragement needed to make it through the day. Never underestimate your influence in the lives of others.

The new book, Love Is Action— Change Your World With Love, is full of rich wisdom and practical tips that will lift your spirits, give you hope, and stir you into action. By the end of this book, you’ll have many new ideas for improving your world by living a life full of kindness, generosity, and love. Some of the simplest acts of inviting someone to join you in whatever you are doing, offering to help someone with whatever they are faced with, or asking the powerful question, “what do you hope to accomplish between now and the day you leave this life?”

Love is best expressed through actions, and sometimes the most powerful acts of love are found in the simplest of actions. Regardless of where you are in life, what you have, or who you know, if you will put your love into action as you read through this book, you will enrich your life in ways you might never have considered.