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The Importance of Self Care for Foster Parents

5/6/2022

The past few years have been tough on foster parents.

The result: foster parents are exhausted. You, me, all of us. We are exhausted, filled with our own anxiety and confusion. As we struggled with all of the confusion and chaos that resulted from the Coronavirus, foster parents are in jeopardy of burnout, of stress, of compassion fatigue, and even of ending their time as foster parents.

Yet, as I have said countless times at conferences, training sessions, webinars, and with journalists, if we, as foster parents, do not care for ourselves, we can not care for the children in our home.

Here are a few ways that we can and NEED to care for ourselves, or Foster Parent Self Care.

Exercise, Diet, and Sleep time
Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy. You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever. Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out. Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression. Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout. You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain. There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being. Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us. Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with. Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

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Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves. If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals. Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy. According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood. So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet. Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep. We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times. When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day. Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.

Remember to “Be in the Moment”
I imagine that you have the same experiences from time to time. You worry too much about the future. You grow concerned about what has not happened yet. You allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties. My friend, that’s normal, and it is easy to do . Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be. When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time. When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment. As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.

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Your Own Support Group
I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent. Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life. It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.

Alone time
When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. By taking the following stress reducing steps, you will help to ensure your well being, as you care for others in your home.

Quite simply, you need to make time for yourself. As a foster parent, this will be difficult, as you will be required to take care of a child full time. Along with this, you may also need to care for your own children, as well as your spouse. You may have a full time job that requires a great deal of your energy, plus there are those other commitments you have, such as church, volunteering, and other organizations you might be involved in. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy.

-Dr. John

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How Being a Certified Child Life Coach can Help the Child in Foster Care in Your Home.

4/18/2022

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Being a foster parent to children in trauma and children in crisis can be challenging. For many foster parents, they are simply not trained nor equipped with the strategies and knowledge they need to care for children who are suffering from anxiety. As a result, the children who are in crisis are not getting the help they need from those they are placed with.

Many times, children placed into foster care suffer from mental health issues. A placement disruption may be so severe to the child that it feels as if their entire world is falling apart. For them, it is. Everything they know to be true in their world is now turned upside down. Their mother and father are no longer there to comfort them when they are troubled, or afraid. The family they lived with, grew up with, laughed with, and cried with is no longer there to take care of them. The bed they woke up in each morning is now different. Far too many foster children, the school they went to, the teachers they learned from, and the friends they had formed relationship with, have also been taken from them. Instead, these children now live with a strange family, wake each morning in a different house, sit in an unfamiliar classroom, and are no longer surrounded by those who love and know them best. Children in foster care often struggle to best deal with and survive these traumatic events, as they struggle to adjust to a new home and new family. To be sure, the losses in their life, along with the lack of a permanent home, often times prevent these children from forming a secure and healthy attachment with a primary caregiver.

Issues from anxiety can manifest themselves in a number of ways. Perhaps the one that foster children face the most is separation anxiety, an excessive concern that children struggle with concerning the separation from their home, family, and to those they are attached to the most. Indeed, the more a child is moved, from home to home, from foster placement to another foster placement, or multiple displacements, the bigger the concern becomes. Those children who undergo many multiple displacements often times create walls to separate themselves in an attempt to not let others into their lives. In attempting to do so, many foster children end up lying to their foster families, as they try to keep their new family at a distance, and at the same time, give the child a sense of personal control.
Other anxiety disorders include obsessive-compulsive disorder, where a child repeats unwanted thoughts, actions, and/or behavior out of a feeling of need. Panic disorders find a child experiencing intense bouts of fear for reasons that may not be apparent.

These attacks may be sudden, and unexpected, as well as repetitive in their nature. Panic disorders also may coincide with strong physical symptoms, such as shortness of breath, dizziness, throbbing heart beats, or chest pains. Another anxiety disorder that foster children may face includes social phobias, or the fear of being embarrassed or face the criticism of others.

Fredrick Douglas once said that “it is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”

One way foster parents can help children in foster care, and children placed in our homes is by becoming a certified child life coach. Indeed, life coaching for children is often the missing link in children’s education. When we, as foster parents, become a certified child life coach, we are trained to better support children in developing powerful mindset skills. These skills will be able to help the children them manage the ups and downs of growing up, for becoming self-leaders, for living life with direction and achieving goals, and for creating happiness in their lives. In fact, as a child life coach, we can empower our children to develop mindset skill for:
• healthy self-esteem
• strong self-confidence
• resilience and coping skills
• self-leadership and good decision making
• goal setting and achievement skills
• happiness

Make no mistake, today’s children are experiencing more anxiety and more depression. The rate of suicide attempts are up for youth and teenagers. More children are suffering from abuse. When we care for these children in our homes, we need to be as equipped as we possibly can if we truly want to help them. Being a certified child life coach is one such way, as it empowers us to help empower the child.

-Dr. John DeGarmo

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Working Side by Side with your Caseworker

3/7/2022

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Through the years as a foster parent, I have worked alongside many different caseworkers. I have found that caseworkers are often over worked, under paid, under resourced, and overwhelmed. Indeed, they have a most difficult job. In order to help them, help your child from foster care, and help yourself, there a few things you can do to ensure that meetings go as smooth as possible.

You will most likely have a monthly meeting with your foster child’s caseworker. These meetings often are held in the home of the foster parents, as the caseworkers like to view the child from foster care where he has been placed, your home. Other times, you may be required to drive your child to a meeting with his biological family. Before you meet with your caseworker, whether at home or another setting, make sure you are prepared beforehand. Have all proper forms and information gathered together which you might need for the caseworker. This includes any school progress and report cards names and contact information for his teachers, calendar of upcoming events in your household, medical paperwork, receipts and invoices, and any other personal observations you may have noted for your child from foster care. Also have with you your child's medical information, such as doctor’s name, address, and phone number, primary health care information, as well as any dates for future medical and dental appointments. There are times when your caseworker might wish to have the birth family accompany the child to an appointment, and some planning by you beforehand will help this to go more smoothly for all involved.

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If you should be traveling to meet at a predetermined location, make sure that you arrive on time, and that both you and the child placed in your home are dressed nicely. You may be meeting with the birth family, and you will certainly not only wish to look nice for them, but you will also want the child to be dressed and looking nice for his family. This does not mean business attire and dresses for you and your child, but it does mean not showing up in dirty clothing, jeans with holes in them, and old faded t-shirts. A nice clean pair of pants, button up shirt, and nice dress shoes is appropriate, and presents a nice image for yourself, as well as the fact that your child placed with your family is looked after and well taken care of in the eyes of the biological parents and family members. You surely do not wish to give the impression that their child is living in a dirty environment, and that he is not living in a safe and loving home.

Like any healthy relationship, it is important that your relationship with your child from foster care's caseworker is an open one, and is built on trust and mutual respect. It is important that you share all information with the caseworker about your foster child. Be honest with your caseworker about any concerns you might have in regards to your child. If you see signs that the child placed in your home is having trouble adjusting to your home and family, share these concerns with the caseworker. Perhaps you have seen troubling signs after a visit with your foster child and the biological family members. If so, let your caseworker know. If you are worried about a possible reunification with the biological family, express these worries to the caseworker. If your foster child should become sick, let the caseworker know, even if it should be a day at home from the common cold or flu bug. Caseworkers have the responsibility of documenting everything when it comes to each of the foster children in their caseload. Do not be afraid of holding any information or concerns. Instead, the more you share with the caseworker, and the more honest you are, the stronger your partnership will become, which only benefits the wellbeing of your child.

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Take steps to develop lines of communication with the caseworker. Make sure the both of you have current telephone numbers and email addresses, for both home and work. Plan ahead, if possible, for home visitations, as well as visitations with the birth parents. There will be times when you will need to make a request to your caseworker, whether it is for permission to take your foster child on a vacation, attend a summer camp, or perhaps even attaining some additional reimbursement for a Christmas present. If you work from the beginning in establishing a strong partnership, these requests will be easier to make, and have a better chance of being met.

-Dr. John
Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting."
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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Let Me Tell You How I REALLY Feel About My Foster Care Caseworker!

2/14/2022

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I am going to be honest with you.

Honest with you about how I feel about some of my caseworkers who I have worked with while caring for children in foster care.

In all honesty…. I love them!

Through the years as a foster parent, I have worked alongside so many different caseworkers. In that time, I have had some incredible and amazing caseworkers, and have come to call a large number of them my friend. I have found that caseworkers are often over worked, under paid, under resourced, and overwhelmed. Indeed, they have a most difficult job. In truth, I do not know if it is a job I would wish to have, or one that I could handle. They simply have too much paperwork, caseloads, responsibilities, and paperwork accountable to them, with less and less time and resources given to make it all work. On top of that, it seems that someone is always upset with them, at one point or another. The birth parents are mad with them, the child is upset with them, the judge disagrees with them, and perhaps you might be a little frustrated with them. It is a thankless job, to be sure. Yet, what so many forget is that our caseworkers have feelings and emotions, just like foster parents. They may disagree with a court’s decision about the child in your home being removed. They may experience feelings of frustration with the process. They may be upset over the birth parent’s progress. They may even experience feelings of grief and loss themselves when a child leaves your home.

Indeed, as I recognize that today’s case workers are truly overworked and under resourced, I have tried to help them as best I can. After all, we are both working to help children in need, right? In order to help them, help your foster child, and help yourself, there a few things you can do to ensure that the relationship between the two of you is a positive one.

Before you meet with your caseworker, whether at home or another setting, make sure you are prepared beforehand. Have all proper forms and information gathered together which you might need for the caseworker. This includes any school progress and report cards names and contact information for his teachers, calendar of upcoming events in your household, medical paperwork, receipts and invoices, and any other personal observations you may have noted for your foster child. Also have with you your foster child’s medical information, such as doctor’s name, address, and phone number, primary health care information, as well as any dates for future medical and dental appointments.

If you should be traveling to meet at a predetermined location, make sure that you arrive on time, and that both you and your foster child are dressed nicely. You may be meeting with the birth family, and you will certainly not only wish to look nice for them, but you will also want your foster child to be dressed and looking nice for his family. A nice clean pair of pants, button up shirt, and nice dress shoes is appropriate, and presents a nice image for yourself, as well as the fact that your foster child is looked after and well taken care of in the eyes of the biological parents and family members. You surely do not wish to give the impression that your foster child is living in a dirty environment, and that he is not living in a safe and loving home.

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Like any healthy relationship, it is important that your relationship with your foster child’s caseworker is an open one, and is built on trust and mutual respect. It is important that you share all information with the caseworker about your foster child. Be honest with your caseworker about any concerns you might have in regards to your child. If you see signs that your foster child is having trouble adjusting to your home and family, share these concerns with the caseworker. Perhaps you have seen troubling signs after a visit with your foster child and the biological family members. If so, let your caseworker know. If you are worried about a possible reunification with the biological family, express these worries to the caseworker. If your foster child should become sick, let the caseworker know, even if it should be a day at home from the common cold or flu bug. Caseworkers have the responsibility of documenting everything when it comes to each of the foster children in their caseload. Do not be afraid of holding any information or concerns. Instead, the more you share with the caseworker, and the more honest you are, the stronger your partnership will become, which only benefits the wellbeing of your child.

Take steps to develop lines of communication with the caseworker. Make sure the both of you have current telephone numbers and email addresses, for both home and work. Plan ahead, if possible, for home visitations, as well as visitations with the birth parents. There will be times when you will need to make a request to your caseworker, whether it is for permission to take your foster child on a vacation, attend a summer camp, or perhaps even attaining some additional reimbursement for a Christmas present. If you work from the beginning in establishing a strong partnership, these requests will be easier to make, and have a better chance of being met.

Finally, join me in thanking the caseworkers that we are caring for. Send them a note, give them a call, text a message. Just take time to thank him or her for all they are doing to help the child living in your home.
Thank YOU case workers. What you are doing truly matters!

-Dr. John
The Foster Care Institute

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Defund what? .....the fallacies of the "defund child welfare" movement. Guest Post by Tom Rawlings.

1/10/2022

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Happy New Year! Let’s discuss a troubling trend: the rise of the child welfare “abolition” movement.

In the wake of a police officer’s killing of George Floyd, there were many calls to “defund the police.” Among its progeny, a new-yet-old issue raised its head: “defund child welfare.” Its advocates include the Center for the Study of Social Policy, the Social Work School at the University of Houston, and certainly Professor Dorothy Roberts, who has been advocating such abolition for many years.

As Professor Roberts wrote in The Imprint News in the summer of 2020:
“Policing . . . cannot be fixed by more failed reforms; it must be abolished. The most prominent demand emerging from the protests is to defund the police and reallocate the money to provide health care, education, jobs with living wages, and affordable housing. I am inspired by calls to defund the police. But I am concerned by recommendations to transfer money, resources and authority from the police to health and human services agencies that handle child protective services (CPS). These proposals ignore how the misnamed “child welfare” system, like the misnamed “criminal justice” system, is designed to regulate and punish black and other marginalized people. It could be more accurately referred to as the ‘family regulation system’.”

Professor Roberts’ opinion is widely shared in academic circles, but is it a “ground truth” among the families most impacted by the child welfare system? For example, despite its popularity in the media and among academia, the “defund the police” movement was in its birthplace of Minneapolis opposed by a significant majority of African-American families. Those families recognize the need for protection from crime. And while studies of support for child welfare systems are few, one 2020 study found addressing child maltreatment to be an issue with significant public support, because most folks understand the importance of keeping children safe from harm.

None of this is to discount the fact that black and Native American children experience foster care at disproportionate rates. The question, rather, is: how do we address that issue?

The UpEnd Movement to abolish child welfare argues that “Black, Latinx, and Native families come to the attention of child welfare agencies in large part due to prolonged unmet needs as a result of racism, poverty, and other inequities.” Whatever the merits of this causal claim, it is far removed from the proximate causal factors: parental drug and alcohol abuse, mental health issues, domestic violence, and economic stress. Those are the problems that case managers help solve every day.

And yes, many of the families who experience a child protective services intervention are poor. Imagine a single mother who is trying to work multiple jobs while appropriately caring for her children. She may be tempted to leave them “unsupervised” or leave them in the care of a person whose trustworthiness is unknown. Once CPS gets involved with such a mother, they may ask her to do more than she’s physically able. And failing to comply, that mother may see her children placed in foster care.

But is the answer, as Professor Roberts argues, to abolish the child welfare system? As she characterizes it: “This system is not about caring for, protecting or supporting anybody. It is about protecting the broader racist, sexist, capitalist, homophobic, ableist structures that govern our society. You can’t reform a system that is designed to support an oppressive regime.”

None of the front-line social workers and case managers I know consider themselves to be, nor do they want to be, part of system as Roberts describes it. Rather, they went into child welfare to aid children and families, and the vast bulk of the work they do involves helping families stay together while solving issues that the parents recognize they need to address. Only from an ivory tower could someone characterize their work in such a demeaning fashion.
These critics would, of course, argue that they simply want to redirect the system to helping families rather than “regulating” them, but their rhetoric sends a terrible message to the child welfare workforce, both present and future.

What could these critics do instead? Here are a few suggestions:

Instead of focusing on trashing the system, reform it. Help us find ways to engage with families that are less coercive, that are more helpful, and that ensure children are safe and families receive the services they need.
Continue to emphasize that poverty does not equal maltreatment. Help case managers step into the shoes of the single parent who is struggling to make ends meet, but don’t condemn those case managers for trying to help.
Recognize that children have the right to be protected from abuse and that the State has the obligation to protect them. Abuse occurs among every race, ethnicity, and class, and to ignore this fact is to ignore the rights of children.
Celebrate the efforts of social workers and case managers who enter this difficult field and who are trying their best to balance the safety of children against the right of families to be together.

In 2022, I hope we can move beyond the rhetoric into finding solutions that keep children safe and, whenever possible, keep families together.

Tom Rawlings is the former Director of Georgia’s Division of Family and Children Services and a former juvenile court judge and longtime child advocate. You can subscribe to his newsletter at https://tomrawlings.substack.com

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Let's Make 2022 the Year Children in Foster Care Find Love

1/3/2022

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It’s what keeps us together.

It’s what the world needs more of.

It’s what makes the world go round.

And it is what children in foster care need the most.

Love.

More specifically, your love.

Will you provide these children in need this? Will you love them?

As a foster parent of over 60 children, I have found one thing is true. Like all children, a child in foster care has one true wish and one real desire, more than possibly anything else, and that is to be loved. As foster parents, we can protect the child from harm, provide a safe and secure home, offer nutritious meals, and open up a doorway of opportunities for foster children, granting them new and exciting experiences that they may never have dreamed of. Yet, with all of this, with all of the wonderful opportunities and safe environments, foster children really crave love the most. They want to be loved, and they need to be loved. After all, every child deserves to be loved.

Sadly, not every child will receive it. Not every child will feel loved. Yet, every child deserves it.

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Not only do children deserve love, they need it in order to grow in a healthy fashion. The greatest gift you and I have been given is love. While there are many forms of love, the strongest one, and most important for a foster child, is that of unconditional love. Sadly, many children in foster care either do not receive this love at all, or receive it too late, after too much emotional damage has been done.

No mother to love them. No father to love them. No grandparent, aunt, uncle, or other relative. No family member to give them what they need the most. Someone to love them unconditionally.

Unconditional love is simply being loved without restrictions or stipulations. For a child in foster care who may have been abused, beaten, or neglected, this type of unconditional love is most important, yet probably unknown. Your love as a foster parent is quite essential to the child’s health, well being, and future. Without this type of love, a love that does not judge and is forgiving, a child in foster care will not form necessary and healthy attachment with others, resulting in a number of attachment disorders.

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Foster children who suffer from these disorders will have great difficulty connecting with others, as well as managing their own emotions, not only during their childhood and time in foster care, but many times throughout the remainder of their lives. Emotional difficulties such as a of lack of self worth, trust, and the need to be in control often result in the lack of unconditional and healthy parental love. As anyone who has worked with children in foster care will tell you, most children in care face an enormous amount of emotional issues, many times stemming from the lack of healthy love; the love of a parent figure.

So let me ask you once again.

Will you provide children in foster care this? Will you love them?

Let’s make 2022 the year that children in foster care find the love they need, they love they deserve.

-Dr. John

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A Forever Family: Adoption from Foster Care

11/8/2021

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Over the years, my family has grown by three children, bringing our total to six children, both biological and adoptive. All three of the youngest came to us through adoption from foster care. One of the joys I have found is that with all six of my children, I see no difference in skin color and no difference between biological and adoptive. My love for them is equally the same, and equally as strong.

When a child is placed into foster care, the initial goal is to have the child reunified with his birth parents, or a member of his biological family. To be sure, the initial intent of placing a child into care is that the placement be a temporary, with reunification the main objective. Yet, there are those instances when reunification is not possible, and the child is placed through the court system for adoption.

Of the over 425,000 children placed in foster care, it is estimated that 120,000 of these children are eligible for adoption.. Nearly 60% of children in foster care in America wait 2 or more years before being adopted. For those children who are not adopted, many remain in the foster care system for extended periods of time. Some of these children are moved to group homes, while others simply age out of the foster care system, never truly finding a family of their own and a place to call home. (The Foster Parenting Manual, DeGarmo 2013).

There are several reasons why a foster child might be placed up for adoption. First, the custody rights of the birth parents are voluntarily terminated; secondly, the custody rights of the birth parents are terminated by a court order; and third, the child is up for adoption due to the death of birth parents.

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As foster parents, there are many reasons why we are the ideal choice to adopt a foster child. Many times when a child from foster care has his rights terminated, he has already been living in a loving and stable home with his foster family. When we care for foster children, we raise them as our own for an extended amount of time, meeting his needs, and nurturing him since he was removed from his birth parent’s home. Perhaps you are a foster family that cares for children with special needs. If so, you are the ones most familiar with these needs, and have gained valuable insight and resources how to best meet them and care for your foster child.

Far too many foster children struggle with school, as they move from home to home, and from school to school. When we adopt our foster children, we allow them to remain in the same school system, benefitting from having the same teachers who are already familiar with him and his needs. Often times, we have formed strong, loving, and important attachments with our foster children while they are placed in our home. If you are like me, our foster children often become a member of our family, and when they are be able to legally stay with us, there is a time of rejoicing.

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Just because a foster child finds a forever family when he is adopted does not mean that it will be smooth sailing afterwards, or that there will not be difficulties or challenges ahead. Help your former foster child and now permanent member of your family by working with them to understand why the adoption took place, and why he has a new family. Yet, the internal process for all involved can be a challenging one, especially for your child. They may have a difficult time accepting the fact that they will never return to live with their biological parents or birth family members again. It is necessary for you, as an adoptive parent, to allow your child time to grieve the loss of connection with his birth family. He may very well need time to experience the stages of grief before he fully transfer attachment from his birth family to yours. Even though he may have lived in your home for some time as a foster child, he will likely re-experience feelings of loss during the adoption process.

Allow him to discuss his feelings of grief and loss with you as you listen attentively to him, validating his feelings and emotions. If he should ask any questions about his biological parents or birth family, it is important that you answer them as honestly as you can. At the same time, help him to transfer attachment from his birth family to yours by ensuring that he is included in all aspects of your family, and when possible, incorporate parts of his previous family’s traditions into your own, as it helps him to feel more comfortable. After all, his birth family gave him his appearance and gender, his intelligence, his temperament, talents, and of course, his life. These, of course, will never change.

-Dr. John
Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting."
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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Welcoming your Child from Foster Care into your House.

10/21/2021

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The first impression you create with your foster child is often vitally important to how the next few days and weeks will transpire. This will probably not be the sweet little child who rushes into your waiting arms, laughing delightfully, as you might imagine. It is highly likely that your foster child will be scared and frightened, full of anxiety. He may have left his family moments ago, and is now told that you are his family, for the time being. Without a doubt, he is full of questions, as emotions swirl within him. No matter how much this child has been abused, whether it is physically or emotionally, your foster child will want to their mother and father back. After all, these people have been the most important people in his life. Along with this, he has lost his familiar pattern of living, his home, his friends, and all that made up his own personal world. Although it is impossible to predict how he will react when he first meets you, it is important that you approach this time with caution and care.

Each child’s placement is different. Some may come to you with a head full of lice, while some might be some might be covered in dirt, and the few possessions they own, if any, carried in a black plastic bag. In fact, they may only have the clothes on their back. Others may come to stay with you clean, healthy, and with a suitcase full of clothing, a box of possessions, and some money in their wallet. What is important is that you do not judge your foster child based on his arrival and appearance. However they arrive, they will need your patience, your time, and your love.

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When the caseworker pulls into your driveway, if possible, go out to the car and welcome the caseworker and child, introducing yourself immediately, with a warm smile and soft voice. Inform your foster child who you are and the role you will now play in his life. He may very well not understand the foster care system, or what foster parents do. Do not insist that your new child call you mom or dad. In fact, it is wise that you never insist upon this. The word “mom” may refer to the person who beat him. “Dad” may be the person who left his family. Allow your foster child to call you by your first names, if you feel comfortable with this, or by whatever name he feels comfortable in calling you. As the child may be scared, do not insist that he react to you right away. This is a time of extreme difficulty, and your foster child may be in a state of shock. As you help him inside with his possessions, take him by the hand, if he is a little one, or place a soft hand upon his shoulder, if he is a teenager. Actions like these can be reassuring that all will be okay, that he is in a safe and caring home. Do not insist upon hugging, as he may be too embarrassed or hurt to do so.

After all introductions to the entire family have been made, take him on a tour of your house, his new home. Show him where he will sleep, and where his clothes will be kept. Have a nightlight already on in the room, if the room is dark. The smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies is always a welcome one in any home, particularly for children. Ask if he is hungry, and offer him some food. If he doesn’t want any food, do not insist upon it. He will eat when he is ready and hungry.

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You will have to sign some paper work with your caseworker, as well as go over any last minute news, details, and information. If possible, do this away from the child, as this, too, can be especially embarrassing and damaging to your new child. This is a good time for your foster child to eat, or be alone in his new room. If you have children of your own, it may also be a good time for them to engage in some sort of play with their new foster brother. Your foster child will likely be overwhelmed with the situation, so it is important that you make sure your home is as peaceful and quiet as possible. When it comes to establishing family rules, you can put that aside the next few days.

Do not invite the neighbors or relatives over upon arrival. Instead, allow your foster child to have some personal space and alone time. If it is late at night, do not insist that he go to bed immediately. After all, he is probably not only needing some time to reflect on the day’s events, sleep may be difficult to come by, as he is in a strange bed, in a strange home. Sadly, it is not uncommon for newly placed foster children to cry themselves to sleep during the first few nights. Do not be surprised if this happens. He may be scared and lonely. Let him know that you understand how difficult it is for him, and that his tears are normal and all right. Read to him a bedtime story each night; place a nightlight not only in his room, but in the nearby bathroom, as well. Let him know that he can get up in the night and use the bathroom whenever he needs to.

-Dr. John
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The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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The Importance of House Rules and Safety Measures for Foster Families

8/30/2021

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One thing I have learned over the years as a foster parent is that I must be flexible. To be sure, I never know when a child will arrive or leave my home, as there is often very little notice in either regard. In the past few months, I have seen the number of children in my home go from six to nine and then down to seven. At one time, we had eleven children in our home; three biological, three adopted, and a sibling group of five children from foster care. Now, if you believe we are a group home, this is not correct. Emergencies crop up, waivers are signed by both the state’s child welfare agency and my family, and my wife and I simply have a difficult time saying no.

            As you can imagine with eleven children, it seems that all my wife and I do is clean, wash, and supervise. The cooking is nonstop, the washing of dirty clothes is around the clock, and the supervision is often done with one eye towards one group of children, while the other eye is watching out for the others. Is it pandemonium in our house? Perhaps.     Is it a house that is never fully clean? Without a doubt. Is it a house full of love? Absolutely!   At the moment, my wife and I seem to be burning both ends of a candle stick right now, and we are a little tired. Just a little, mind you. Yet, as exhausting and as grueling as it can be with so many children in our home, and with so many emotional issues and challenges, one thing we have to be consistent in is with supervision. It seems that the supervision of our foster children takes up most of our time, energy, and efforts. Whether it is a new born baby or a teenager, our foster children are just like other children; active and seemingly into everything!

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Supervision of your foster child is a must at all times.   Make no mistake about it; you will be held responsible for your foster child’s whereabouts and safety at all times. After all, he is not your child; you are simply caring for him, and watching over him. As he is placed in your home, and is in your custody, you may be held accountable if he should come to any harm. Therefore, it is not only important that you know where your foster child is at all times, it is essential. You must know the whereabouts of your foster child; you must know where he is each moment. Whether he is in your home, at school, or at another location, you need to know where he is, just as you would for your own children.

Every time a child in foster care is placed in your home, surprises are sure to appear in some form or fashion. Indeed, each time a child from foster care moves to your home is different and unique. Just as no two children are alike, no two placements are alike, as well. Some placements may be smooth and easy, while others may be difficult and challenging. Some children may be open to being a part of your family, while others may battle you, placing stress upon your household. As I have noted in several books and articles, foster parenting is the hardest thing I have done; at the same time, it is the most important thing I have done, as well. Each child that has come to my home has changed me into a better person, and has helped my family grow in several ways.

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Yet, without the right preparation, and the right set of guidelines and expectations, the placement of a child from foster care into your home and into your family can become one that is full of stress and anxiety, even tearing your home and family apart. To be sure, there are so many distractions in our society that can create further disruption to a child in care; disruptions that can also bring additional stress to your home, as well. Social networking, media, technology, drugs; all of these pressures can not only affect the child, but your family, too. I encourage you to be strong in your expectations, consistent with your house rules, and diligent in your supervision. If not, you are setting up your child, and your foster parenting experience, for failure.

-Dr. John
Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting."
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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What your Foster Child Needs to Hear from You. Today!

7/17/2021

131 Comments

I recently came across a post on social media stating that it was harmful for children in foster care to hear the words “I love you” from their foster parents.

Sadly, I have found over the years as a foster parent that so many children have never heard these three important words. Yet, these three words are the most important words that they need to hear. Indeed, one can never say “I love you,” to a child enough times. They need to and deserve to hear it several times a day. “I love you,” reminds children that they are valuable, that they matter, and that someone truly cares for them.

As a foster parent of over 60 children, I have loved being a foster parent, and I have found one thing is true. Like all children, a child in foster care has one true wish and one real desire, more than possibly anything else, and that is to be loved. As foster parents, we can protect the child from harm, provide a safe and secure home, offer nutritious meals, and open up a doorway of opportunities for foster children, granting them new and exciting experiences that they may never have dreamed of. Yet, with all of this, with all of the wonderful opportunities and safe environments, foster children really crave love the most. They want to be loved, and they need to be loved. After all, every child deserves to be loved.

Not only do children deserve love, they need it in order to grow in a healthy fashion. The greatest gift you and I have been given is love. While there are many forms of love, the strongest one, and most important for a foster child, is that of unconditional love. Sadly, many children in foster care either do not receive this love at all, or receive it too late, after too much emotional damage has been done.

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Children in foster care often come to our homes with a variety of illnesses, lice, scabies, and a host of other problems, due to previous living conditions, as well as neglect. Many times, these children also suffer from mental health issues. These might include anxiety related disorders, anger issues, panic disorder, depression, and so forth. To be sure, there are high levels of mental health problems with children under foster care.

For a foster child who may have been abused, beaten, or neglected, this type of love is most important. Without this type of love, a foster child will not form necessary and healthy attachment with others, resulting in a number of attachment disorders. Emotional difficulties such as a of lack of self worth, trust, and the need to be in control often result in the lack of unconditional and healthy parental love. As anyone who has worked with children placed into foster care will tell you, most of these children in need face an enormous amount of emotional issues, many times stemming from the lack of healthy love.

Let there be no doubt; children in foster care need stability, security, healthy diets, education, and a strong advocate fighting for them. Yet, what they need the most is for you is to love them. Despite all their challenges; despite their conditions; despite whatever label society might place upon them.

They need you to love them.

And they need to hear those words from you and from me.

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With this in mind, it is especially important for us, as foster parents, to communicate that we love the child in our home at all opportunities, and in a variety of ways. A strong foster parent is one who is not afraid to say “I love you” to his or her own spouse, to his children, and to her foster children. These simple words, these three words, can make a significant difference to a child who has only known violence and abuse. Along with this, we need to be nurturing to the children from foster care in our home, as well.

As I wrote in the book Faith and Foster Care, years later after a foster child has left your home, he may not remember your face. He may not remember your name. Yet, that child will remember one this; that he was important, and that he was loved. Thank you for loving children in foster care. Thank you for changing the world, one child at a time.

-Dr. John
Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting."
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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