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It's Okay for You to Say "No" as a Foster Parent!

2/3/2021

The word “No” has been a difficult one for me as a foster parent whenever we got “the call” for a placement of another child.

                Indeed, for so many years, I felt guilt whenever we had to tell a case worker that we were unable to care for the child that needed a home, at that very moment. I have had to say no on a few occasions over the year, and would be saddled with guilt for a time afterwards. With the lack of foster homes in the area I live in, along with the increase in the number of children being placed into care, my wife and I have taken in child after child, signing waiver after waiver. Several years ago, we had 11 children in the house. More recently, we had 9. Yes, we were running on fumes; exhausted each day from the many emotional needs and challenges the children brought into our home and into our families. Make no mistake; we loved what we were doing, and we felt called to do so.

                Yet, we were tired. We needed a break.

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Soon after this, a rather strange thing happened. Four of the children in our home went off to college. We had been caring for some older youth, all seniors in high school, who had nowhere else to stay, no one to care for them. It had been a rough 12 months, yet it had also been an adventurous one, as well. And then, within a matter of days, the four older ones in our home were off on their own adventure. While we still call them, visit them, and love them, they are starting exciting new chapters in their lives, and we shall continue to support them in so many ways. What I found, though, was an exciting adventure was about to start for my wife and I.

                For the first time, in 15 years, we only had 4 children in the home; a biological son and three children we had adopted from foster care. We found the house much quieter, much more peaceful, and we embraced it. The past few weeks have been as if we were on vacation; as if we were on respite care. (I can only imagine that this what having an "empty nest" felt like.) It has been a time to re-charge those batteries, reconnect with each other, and reconnect with our children. It has been a time where we could find rest, for you see, we had reached a stage bordering on being burned out.

                More importantly, it has reminded me that foster parents do indeed need rest from time to time. Indeed, As I note in The Foster Care Survival Guide book, foster parents DO need rest and a time of reprieve, every now and then.

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The life of a foster parent is a difficult one. It is unlike any other life style. The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis. Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through. Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange, and question why you do it.

You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained. There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child. The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off. You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated. You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments. Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities. Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks.

So, it is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life. As a foster parent, you NEED to take care of yourself. You NEED to ensure that you are watching out after yourself, finding the time you need for you, and the help you need to care for not only the children in your home, but for yourself and your family. If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

-Dr. John

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Covid and Foster Care: The Importance of Self Care for Foster Parents

1/1/2021

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.The Coronavirus continues to bring many challenges for all foster parents. Indeed, I have written about this many times. Now, I would like to share with you a collection of thoughts on Foster Parenting, Covid, and Self Care, so we can all better understand how to be better foster parents during these unprecedented times.

Many foster parents are concerned, confused, and looking for answers yet receiving little guidance.  For many foster parents, the lack of supervision has been an especially challenging one. Many foster parents are employed full time, and work during the day, while the children placed in their home from foster care are either in school, or at day care.  Other foster parents are faced with the difficulty of getting the services and support they and the children placed in their home both need.

Plus, it should come as no surprise that the anxiety level in the children living in your home is most likely off the charts. Children in foster care often suffer from high anxieties, due to the trauma they have experienced prior to coming to live with you. For some foster parents, they are struggling with a whole new world of homeschooling the children placed in their homes; homeschooling children who are behind in school. So many foster parents have never had experience teaching beforehand, and now they are teaching children who have learning disorders and challenges. Now, in this time of uncertainty, of self containment, of social distancing, the cancellation of visitations with their birth family members, of too much time on social media, phones, and electronic devices (and the tremendous danger that comes from this, right now, during the Coronavirus,) the anxiety within them has only grown and will continue to do so.

The result: foster parents are exhausted. You, me, all of us. We are exhausted, filled with our own anxiety and confusion. As we struggle with the Coronavirus, foster parents are in jeopardy of burnout, of stress, of compassion fatigue, and even of ending their time as foster parents.

Exercise, Diet, and Sleep time
Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy. You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever. Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out.   Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression. Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout. You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain. There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being. Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us. Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with. Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

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Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves. If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals. Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy. According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood. So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet. Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep. We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times. When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day. Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.

Remember to “Be in the Moment”
I imagine that you have the same experiences from time to time. You worry too much about the future. You grow concerned about what has not happened yet. You allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties. My friend, that’s normal, and it is easy to do . Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be. When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time. When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment. As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.

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Your Own Support Group
I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent. Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life. It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.

Alone time
When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. By taking the following stress reducing steps, you will help to ensure your well being, as you care for others in your home.

Quite simply, you need to make time for yourself. As a foster parent, this will be difficult, as you will be required to take care of a child full time. Along with this, you may also need to care for your own children, as well as your spouse. You may have a full time job that requires a great deal of your energy, plus there are those other commitments you have, such as church, volunteering, and other organizations you might be involved in. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy.

-Dr. John

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Who is my mom? Who is my dad? Where is my home? Guest Blog -Danny Vann

12/31/2020

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Many youth in the foster care system ask these questions daily. They are confused, lost and traumatized by all of the chaos and constant changes in what should be their stable family of origin. Let's explore some thoughts of a former foster child through the adult eyes of a foster care survivor.

Merriam-Webster defines family as: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children ....with marriage rates falling and divorce rates around 45% (according to the CDC), this definition is at odds with the current “normal” American lifestyle. My observation is that "True Family” are those who love and nurture you. I discovered, for me, “home” is where my heart feels safe.

I believe some of us are lucky and/or blessed to have many physical “parents” in our lives. I have also observed that GOD is always the SAME! He is the Father of us ALL. In order to survive all the changes
in MY life, I learned to pray to God about everything – to talk to Him and ask Him questions. I ask Him
for help, for guidance and wisdom. I have made it my life-long goal to learn about His ways, because it
was obvious to me that my parent's ways were NOT the ways I wanted to follow. Where else could I go?

Our bio moms and dads on earth are intended to be God's helpers – to guide us, to hug us and teach us to love each other. Some are good at this, some are not. I quickly learned that as new people came into my life, a NEW adventure began. I received new hugs and new lessons. I learned to see the common love even in new foster homes. The commandment: “honor your parents” turned into representing them as an honest, useful, God-fearing person to the best of my ability. Anger wasn't any help to me! Looking back I can see that we learn new things when our lives change or when things go wrong. We should be thankful when things go right. I am most grateful for all the people that came
forward and helped me and my siblings as we struggled through the chaos and multiple changes
after our parents got divorced and Mom lost her ability to care for six kids as a single mom in the
1960's. Even the extended family couldn't hold us together as we bounced around through what they
call “kinship homes” today.

When Mom dropped us off at that orphanage it seemed like our world was ending and, as a family, we
were doomed. But when we were met at the door by the smiling faces of nuns in their traditional black
and white habits, there was a glimmer of hope in my heart. “This might just work out okay,” I said to
myself. And for a while IT DID. We all got new clothes, new shoes and there was plenty of delicious
food. We ate three meals a day – and even had special activities and treats brought in by Knights of
Columbus volunteers. Things were looking up.....until.....we were told that we had to move out and go
into separate foster homes.

For all those that help – THANK YOU!

By making time to help others less fortunate, you are not only setting a good example for your
immediate family, you also rescue the helpless children who are victims of circumstances beyond their
control. You are doing to others what you would surely want someone to do for YOU! You practice the
Golden Rule and kids in crisis have a better life because of it. To us, you fill the role of mom & dad
and that gives us HOPE!

For all those struggling with the chaos and change.....Today, and everyday, I encourage foster youth to focus on happy things; smiles and songs chase away pain and loneliness. Find a reason to smile and sing. God gives other people a chance to share their love and their home with you. Embrace it! You are on a lifelong journey – don't panic, this is just the next stop. Listen to this beautiful song God gave me to share with others: I Hear an Angel Whispering - click HERE. I hope and pray that your heart finds a place to feel safe!

Danny Vann

Born in 1953 the oldest of six kids, Danny Vann has faced many challenges in his life. He has been
inspiring and motivating people for decades through his professional music, corporate leadership and
church fellowship roles. He is a Songwriter, recording artist and the author of My Journey in the Shadow of “The King” - A story of hope and resilience...the discovery of a cherished life. Find out more about Danny Vann HERE.

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Don't Take it Personal! The Hard Part of Being a Foster Parent.

11/28/2020

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There have been those times when some of the children living with my family have been disrespectful to me, have called me every name in the book, and have been downright mean spirited towards my wife and me. Does my blood pressure rise, as a result? Yes, sometimes it does, and at times it is difficult on all of us. To be sure, when a child calls you names, pushes your buttons, disobeys you, and treats you poorly, it is difficult not to take it personally. You may become angry; that’s normal.

Yet, as a foster parent, it is important for all of us to remember that the child is most likely not attacking you personally. Children in foster care are often scared, often afraid, often hurting, and often in emotional pain. For so many children, they simply do not know how to process the many feelings and emotions that engulf and enwrap them. They are unsure how to appropriately release these pent up feelings, emotions, and anxieties, and simply lash out instead. Lash out at you. Lash out at me. My friend, that’s okay. You and I are simply the recipient of the pain and trauma that they suffer from. It is important for us not to take it as a personal attack. So, how do we do that? How do we prevent this from leading to burn out?

First, we need to remember that it isn’t really about us. The child has been abused, neglected, abandoned. There is a reason why the child living in your home has been placed into foster care. He is hurting. It’s not about us. It’s about the child, and his pain. Even when he is yelling at you, “I hate you!” and slamming the door. His anger and emotion may be directed at you, but it’s not truly about you. Instead, his anger and pain comes from someplace else.

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When your buttons are being pushed, it is important to remember that you are the mature one, you are the adult, you are the parental figure. Resist yelling back, don’t give in to the temptation to respond in anger, no name calling from you. Try to not respond emotionally. Instead, focus on the child’s behavior and not his emotion. Respond to why he is feeling this way, not to the words he may be yelling at you.

I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent.

Get the Licensing and Training Hours/CEUs you Need! Become a Special Member of The Foster Care Institute-AMAZING Benefits!

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the best selling book The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents. Order your signed copy HERE.

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What is your Normal? A Former Foster Child Reflects

10/19/2020

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What is your normal? As a nine-year-old, emptiness and depression became my normal moving forward.

We escaped CPS to squat in an abandoned house. My sister was pregnant and my brother was preparing for a child at 14 years old. It gave us hope that my dad promised to restore the abandoned house we lived in. I dreamt of my dad fixing up our house and creating a resurgence within the neighborhood. Unfortunately, the bad influences of the community only worsened my mom’s drug use. My dad continued
selling drugs and addicts throughout the neighborhood regularly showed up at our house.

Michigan winter began and the Detroit winds became brutal. Without running water, we had to scoop snow off of the ground, carry it inside in buckets, and wait for it to melt to use as makeshift showers. Without a bed, we regularly piled up clothes to sleep on to avoid feeling the wood and sharp nails sticking out of the floor. To this day, the
smell of gasoline recalls those gasoline heaters we used to warm our dinner in abandoned housing.

My dad had been making excuses for months of why he couldn’t fix the house and
resorted to hiding from CPS. I began to lose faith in my parents. We did our best, but
my parents had no choice but to let us go.

One month later, I entered foster care as the youngest of five siblings. The feeling of
having my parents let me down was the beginning of my mental health issues. Filled
with anxiety I thought, “If I couldn’t trust my parents, I reasoned, who would I be able to trust?”
I entered into the system buried in emptiness. I was alone and afraid.

Though I had experienced homelessness, neglect, and living in abandoned housing in
my childhood, five years later my sense of loneliness would take a turn for the worse.
March 15th, 2011 would haunt me for many years to come.

I was in the seventh grade when I was walking home from school and brutally
attacked by three high school students, having a brick slammed into my teeth.

I ran into a random McDonald’s, asking anyone who would listen to call the
ambulance. People stared, covering their mouths in shock. I tried to remain calm.
Gasping, I dragged myself to the counter. All eyes were on me, but no one was
offering to help. People seemed paralyzed by shock, which only made me more
frightened of what had happened to me.

I vaguely noticed that blood was pouring out of my mouth, and that this made it hard
to speak. Finally, the cashier came from behind the counter and handed me a warm
wet rag. Once I looked down to grab it, I noticed the blood all over my coat, my
hands, and even the cashier.

In the ambulance, it was confirmed that I had lost six teeth, four of them partially
gone and the front two completely knocked out. Later on, I found out that a part of
the bone structure underneath my nose was damaged and partially gone as well.
Every day after school I was forced to walk to the bus stop, next to the McDonalds
where I lost my teeth. Every day after school I saw my blood sitting in the McDonalds
parking lot on my way to the bus stop. As I waited for the bus, I relived the incident,
every single day. Walking past the spot where I lost my teeth, I noticed pieces of
broken teeth in the parking lot that were probably mine. Walking home from school
was never the same.

Weeks later the Mcdonald’s cashier who comforted me during the incident came out
to the bus stop to check on me. She asked how I was doing and how I was handling
things. Sometimes the small things mean so much. She couldn’t have had any idea
what I was going through. The amount I was dealing with. She didn’t know that I felt
alone and was deeply depressed. In only a few minutes, she made my day and
made me feel loved. Something I had been unfamiliar with for most of my life.
Many Black communities have been deprived of information on positive ways to
maintain or improve mental health. Society has put a dollar value on mental health
and if you can’t afford a counselor, then you’re out of luck. Of course, mental health
support and the stability it offers help pull impoverished communities away from the
brink of destruction. Many impoverished Black communities have little if any access
to information about mental health.

Anxiety and depression are swept under the rug in Black communities, usually going
unnamed and unaddressed. Because I grew up in a household that lacked any
knowledge of how to resolve conflict healthily, I almost became a product of this
system. It wasn’t until I took advantage of the resource of counseling that I learned
how generational cycles could be reversed and how to disrupt the path of brokenness
set for Black communities.

-Justin Black

Learn more about how you too can redefine your normal in our new book Redefining Normal: How Two Foster Kids Beat The Odds and Discovered Healing, Happiness and Love available now at re-definingnormal.com and on Amazon beginning November 9th, 2020.

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How Today's Foster Parents are Role Models

10/1/2020

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You are it. A role model.

So am I. So are each one of us. Unfortunately, there aren’t many good ones these days. There are far too many poor role models for our kids to watch, and our kids to follow today. We know it to be true. All we need to do is turn on the TV or social media, and we quickly see that our children are being bombarded with negative role models. You and I need to step it up. You and I need to change that.

Yet, there is more to it than that. As foster parents, we are a unique role model; a role model to many that we might not suspect. We need to take our role of being a good parent more seriously. We need to embrace the possibility that we might be the only positive role model other children might ever see.

There is always someone who is watching us, listening to us, and perhaps even modeling after us. Somebody is watching what you do today. Someone is listening to what you say, this very day. Maybe it is your child. Perhaps it is a niece, nephew, or grandchild. It might be the child at the grocery store, watching you down the aisle, or packing up your items at the check-out line. As a role model, what kind of message are you sending? As a role model, what kind of lesson are you teaching?

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As foster parents, we need to not only understand this, but also embrace it. We are role models not only for the children living in our homes and as our family members, but also for the birth parents and biological children that we are caring for.

For people like 22-year-old mother Mireya Alejandra Lopez, who drowned two of her twin infants in a bathtub, she lacked love in her life. When questioned by investigators, she stated that nobody loved her children and nobody loved her. For people like Dylann Roof, the alleged shooter of nine people in Charleston, South Carolina, there were few good role models in his life, or in his home. An absent mother, a father who beat his step mother, and by age 15, Dylann began skipping classes, eventually quit school, and ended up unemployed and taking drugs. For 15-year old Alyssa Bustamante, who brutally stabbed a nine year old girl, simply because she “wanted to know what it was like to kill people,” she also suffered from lack of healthy parenting. Abandoned by her mother and, and a father who was in prison for most of her childhood, the troubled teen battled thoughts of suicide, and was on medication for depression. For the children who were rioting in Ferguson and in Baltimore, where are their positive role models? Who was telling them that their actions were wrong?

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As a parent, you will be a role model for countless people, as many eyes will be upon you. Not only will you be a role model for your children, but for the public, as a whole. For your neighbor who is having a difficult time as a parent, you are their role model. For the expectant mother at your work, you are her role model. For your child’s friend, who comes from a home of abuse, you are his role model for his future children. After all, not many in our society know what good parenting is really about these days. Your actions today might show other parents, and other children, how to act, how to behave, how to be compassionate, and how to be kind. People are watching you, today. People are learning from you, today. I am an adoptive and foster parent, taking care of 60 plus children in my home and in my family. My family, my work mates, close friends, those at my church; all will discover what foster care is all about, and what good parenting is about, just by watching what I do each and every day. The same applies to you!

Now, you might not be a foster parent, yet you are an example of what good parenting is all about. If you are a foster parent, everything you do will send signals to the biological parents on how a parent should act, as well as how to treat their own children. Everything you say will speak volumes to the child’s birth family members.Therefore, as a parent, it is important that you embrace this role, as it will surely affect the child in your own home, as well as others around you. You are planting seeds in the lives of both your children and those around you; seeds which will hopefully blossom into something better.
-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the best selling book The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents. Order your signed copy HERE.

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It's Okay to Cry as a Foster Parent!

6/29/2020

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My tears flowed freely down my face. My cheeks were wet, yet I wasn’t compelled to wipe the tears away. Quite simply, my heart hurt. My heart was broken.

It had been two months since Maddie, our last foster child, had left our home. The 4-year-old girl had been with us for just under one year, and had made a significant impact not only on both my wife and I, but on our own children, as well. She had very much become a part of our family, and there were talks about the possibility of adopting her. Sadly, as it is many times for foster parents, the 4-year-old was moved to another home, where she would be closer to her biological family members. It was an emotionally difficult time for us. Her last words to me stung deep; “Daddy, will you miss me when I am gone? Will you still love me when I leave?”
Two months later, and it still hurt; I still cried.

“Will you still love me when I leave?”
I wanted to find her, to reach out to her, and to tell her, “Yes, Maddie. I will still love you. I will always love you.”

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My friend, I have a bit of bad news for you. It really does not get any easier when children move from your home, and leave your family. But guess what? It shouldn’t get any easier. This is how it really should be. If you experience grief and loss when your foster child leaves, this is a reflection of the love that developed between you and your child; a reflection of the love that you gave a child in need. As you know, children in foster care need us to love them; they need us to feel for them. When they leave our homes, we should grieve for them, as it simply means that we have given them what they need the most; our love.

I have watched over 60 children come to live with me and my family, and then move to other homes. Each time, my wife and I have grown to love these children, caring for them as if they were our very own, and treating them the same as all the others in our home; biological, adoptive, or foster. Each time a child leaves, my wife and I experience a great sense of loss, even when we can be comforted with the knowledge that the children have gone to a good and safe home. There have been times when my wife has sunk into deep grief, crying for days. We have both spent considerable time on our knees, lifting up a former foster child up in prayer. There have also been those times when we felt a small sense of relief when a child left our home. A few years back, we had a sibling group of three children in diapers, all with challenging behaviors and conditions. For those four months, we were run ragged, worn out, and tired. When the children left our home, to be returned to their mother, both my wife and I cried. At the same time, though, we felt that a burden had been lifted off of our shoulders, that we could breathe and relax a little, and focus on our own children some more.

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Saying goodbye is never easy for anyone, and may be especially difficult for you and your foster child. After your foster child leaves your home, you may feel like you never wish to foster again, as the pain is too great. The grief you feel may be overwhelming. Please remember this though, my friend; you are not alone. It is normal for foster parents to feel loss and grief each time a child leaves a home. Take time to grieve, and remind yourself that you are not in control of the situation. Thanks for caring for children in need. Thank you for caring for children in foster care.

And please remember this. it is okay to cry as a foster parent.

It means that you gave the child what she needed the most; someone to love her with all your heart.

-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting."
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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11 Statistics that will Startle You about Children During National Children's Awareness Month

6/8/2020

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June is National Children's Awareness Month.

Today's statistics are grim about children. In the United States each year:

-5 Million experience domestic violence in their homes.
-5 children die each day from abuse.
-78% of all child fatalities are 3 years old and under.
-Two-thirds of the people in treatment for drug abuse report being abused or neglected as children
-30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.
-1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will be sexually abused before they reach age 18.
-460,000 children are in foster care,
- 300,000 are victims of Human Trafficking,
-Almost 65,000 children are sexually abused.
-Children who experience child abuse & neglect are approximately 9 times more likely to become involved in criminal activity.
-30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.

Yet, much of this goes unheard.

To be sure, many of the protests that are happening around the United States of America, and across the globe are justified, and warranted. I wonder though, when we, as a society, will begin to truly bring attention to children; children who have no voice and no one to protest for them.

So many countries, in this 21st century, still do not give value to the rights of children. Children across the world are suffering from the hands of parents, from family, from adults, and from governments!

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In the United States, we pride ourselves on caring for Human Rights. We march in the streets, protesting the rights of gender and gender identification. We wear heats as we protest to the government about equality. We wave flags to for equal rights. Yes, human rights has become an important issue; one that fills people with passion, and even with acts of violence.

Yet, as a nation, we still have it wrong. We still don’t truly value the rights of children.
Studies show that up to five million children in the United States experience and/or witness domestic violence each year. Children in our nation are suffering from an epidemic of child abuse from those who proclaim to love them the most.

Children today, in the very city you live in, are victims of horrific crimes. As you read this, there are children who are falling prey to child sex trafficking As you sip your morning coffee, there are children who are being abandoned by those who profess to love them. As you watch your favorite reality tv show, there are children who are being abused so horrifically that many of us turn away; the reality of it too gruesome for us to acknowledge. Furthermore, these abusers and perpetrators may be your colleagues at work, members of your church, your neighbors, and even those who come to your annual family reunion.

People you know. People YOU know are abusing a child in some way.

So, I ask you this. Where is the outcry in our own nation? Where are the people marching in the streets for child abuse? Where are the hats and the signs to bring awareness about child sex trafficking here in America? Where are the loud voices protesting the government to give rights to children? When will we fight to protect the children in our own nation. When will the rights of children become part of the Human Rights Movement?

Perhaps that outcry needs to belong to you. Perhaps there is a child, right now, who is waiting, and even praying, that you fight for their human rights. It is happening across the world. When will it happen, TRULY happen, in your state, in your city, in your neighborhood?

It starts with me, and it starts with you.

Let's fight together.

-Dr. John

Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of the new book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families Order your special copy HERE.

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How Foster Parenting Makes You A Better Person

5/11/2020

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“Tell us how you have changed since being a foster parent, please.”

It was a question I had been asked a great deal of late. Recently, I had been doing the rounds of radio and TV interviews while promoting my newest book, The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families.
Like most people, many of the radio and TV hosts had very little knowledge of what being a foster parent is really about. I would imagine many of your own friends and family members don’t really understand what you do, either. Additionally, they likely do not understand how your life has changed.

I have said it many times, in many places; foster parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. It IS hard work. At the same time, it is also Heart Work. It is the most important job I have done, as well.

Yet, my life has changed, also, in so many ways, in so many areas. Of the 60 plus children that have come to my home, come to live with my family, each has made me a better person and has made an impact on my life in some way.

I have learned to love deeper, more openly, and without abandon. I have learned to love each child that comes into my home in an unconditional manner, and without reservations. I am no longer ashamed to tell people that I love them. I cry openly now, and am no longer embarrassed when it happens. The saying that “real men don’t cry” is rubbish to me. I have become an emotional cripple in that manner, yet in a healthy way. In a way that I embrace.

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Foster parenting has created a sense of urgency within me to make a difference in the lives of those in need. Perhaps it is due to the children’s horror stories that I have been witness to, and have watched come through my home.   I now am able to see the pain and suffering in others, and am better equipped to help them. To be sure, I have always been one that has wanted to help others, but since I have become a foster parent to children who have suffered from abuse, from neglect, and from being abandoned, all by those who profess to love them the most-their birth family members, I have felt compelled to help even more.

I have learned to forgive more. Love and forgiveness are two actions that are intertwined, and cannot be separated. If we truly love others, then we need to forgive, as well. Without forgiveness, there is no love. When I was angry towards our foster teen’s mother, I was in no way sharing love. Instead, my stomach was in knots, and I was one tense parent. I was shackled by my own inability to forgive someone, a prisoner to a debilitating emotion. Yet, when I did forgive her, it felt like a weight was taken off my own shoulders. One of the amazing things about the act of forgiving others is that it allows us better use our energies towards something that is more constructive, more positive. Forgiveness frees us from the forces of hate and evil, and instead allows us to draw closer to others, and gives us more strength to do the work we are called to do. When we forgive the actions of our foster child’s birth parents, not only are we showing love to them, and empowering ourselves, we are also honoring our foster children.

  Become a Special Member of The Foster Care Institute-AMAZING Benefits!

Foster parenting has transformed me into becoming a better parent to my own children, husband to my wife, and citizen to my community and the world. For each child that has come through my home, I give thanks. For each child that has allowed my family to grow, you will always be part of my family. For each child that spent time in the foster care system while living with my family, I shall always love you.

To my fellow foster parents, thank you for what you do. Thank you for making sacrifices in your own life to care for those in need. Thank you for loving children without abandon, and as family. Thank you for changing the lives of those in need. May your own lives be changed, as well.

-Dr. John

Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of the new book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families Order your special copy HERE.

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The Help Foster Parents Need during the Coronavirus-Special Blog

3/30/2020

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The Coronavirus is making it hard for all foster parents.

Well beyond the lack of groceries, baby wipes, diapers, and even toilet paper, foster parents are struggling.

Many foster parents are concerned, confused, and looking for answers yet receiving little guidance. For many foster parents, the lack of supervision has been an especially challenging one. Many foster parents are employed full time, and work during the day, while the children placed in their home from foster care are either in school, or at day care.  Other foster parents are faced with the difficulty of getting the services and support they and the children placed in their home both need.

Plus, it should come as no surprise that the anxiety level in the children living in your home is most likely off the charts. Children in foster care often suffer from high anxieties, due to the trauma they have experienced prior to coming to live with you. For some foster parents, they are struggling with a whole new world of homeschooling the children placed in their homes; homeschooling children who are behind in school. So many foster parents have never had experience teaching beforehand, and now they are teaching children who have learning disorders and challenges. Now, in this time of uncertainty, of self containment, of social distancing, the cancellation of visitations with their birth family members, of too much time on social media, phones, and electronic devices (and the tremendous danger that comes from this, right now, during the Coronavirus,) the anxiety within them has only grown and will continue to do so.

The result: foster parents are exhausted. You, me, all of us. We are exhausted, filled with our own anxiety and confusion. As we struggle with the Coronavirus, foster parents are in jeopardy of burnout, of stress, of compassion fatigue, and even of ending their time as foster parents.

Let there be no mistake; foster parenting is hard work, even before the Coronavirus exiled us all in our homes! It may just be the hardest work you ever do. You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained. There is very little money available to help you, and you will not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child. The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off. You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated, especially now during this pandemic.   You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments. Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities. Many times, the children that are in your homes with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks.

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Foster parents like you are getting burned out, right now, during this time of Covid 19. One of the keys to preventing burnout during this time is through awareness. Once you are aware that you are truly exhausted and facing burnout, you can then take steps to better care for yourself. If you are feeling exhausted, run down, depressed, unmotivated, hopeless or powerless, or even feel like running away, you may be experiencing burn out. Changes need to be made, otherwise you will not only suffer, but your marriage, your family, your children, and even your job will suffer, as well. There are a number of other ways to help reduce stress and burnout, including lifestyle changes, diet, exercise, and even online support groups. If burnout is left untreated or ignored, there can be serious complications for not only the foster parent, but for the foster child, as well. After all, if you are too exhausted and feeling burn out, you will have a difficult time giving the love and support a foster child sorely needs.

When we lose our control, or lose our patience, with a child, we lose control over the situation itself. When children see us lose control ourselves, it may suggest to them that the response they chose was the right one. It is important to remember that many children in foster care have never been in an environment where issues are addressed in a calm and rational manner, but instead in one of anger and hostility. Your own loss of patience and control reinforces to them that this response is normal, and acceptable. When a child in your home is trying your patience, as the saying goes, try and remain calm. Respond to the child in a calm fashion, and with compassion and patience. Not only will you show the child that you can maintain control, you will also teach the child appropriate ways to hold discussions. Furthermore, help your own anxiety and stress level, helping you to prevent future burn out.

We also need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be. When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time. When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment.  We worry too much about the future due to the uncertainty of the Coronavirus. We grow concerned about what has not happened yet. We allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties. My friend, that’s normal, and it is easy to do.

Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be. When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time. When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment. As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.

Become a Special Member of The Foster Care Institute-AMAZING Benefits!

Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy. You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever. Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out. Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression. Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout. You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain. There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being. Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us. Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with. Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves. If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals. Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy. According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood. So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet. Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep. We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times. When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day. Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.

Yes, the Coronavirus is placing even more challenges and difficulties upon us, as foster parents. And, in truth, the children in our homes are suffering even more so, as well. Yet, we are given the chance, as foster parents, to save them from experiencing other future horrors and taking them away from dangerous situations. Without a doubt, this is a joy itself. As a foster parent, indeed, as a parent, you are making a difference! You are saving a child from harm! It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care. There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.

-Dr. John
Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of the new book The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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It's Okay for You to Say "No" as a Foster Parent!

Covid and Foster Care: The Importance of Self Care for Foster Parents

Who is my mom? Who is my dad? Where is my home? Guest Blog -Danny Vann

Don't Take it Personal! The Hard Part of Being a Foster Parent.

What is your Normal? A Former Foster Child Reflects

How Today's Foster Parents are Role Models

It's Okay to Cry as a Foster Parent!

11 Statistics that will Startle You about Children During National Children's Awareness Month

How Foster Parenting Makes You A Better Person

The Help Foster Parents Need during the Coronavirus-Special Blog

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