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A Forever Family: Adoption from Foster Care

11/8/2021

Over the years, my family has grown by three children, bringing our total to six children, both biological and adoptive. All three of the youngest came to us through adoption from foster care. One of the joys I have found is that with all six of my children, I see no difference in skin color and no difference between biological and adoptive. My love for them is equally the same, and equally as strong.

When a child is placed into foster care, the initial goal is to have the child reunified with his birth parents, or a member of his biological family. To be sure, the initial intent of placing a child into care is that the placement be a temporary, with reunification the main objective. Yet, there are those instances when reunification is not possible, and the child is placed through the court system for adoption.

Of the over 425,000 children placed in foster care, it is estimated that 120,000 of these children are eligible for adoption.. Nearly 60% of children in foster care in America wait 2 or more years before being adopted. For those children who are not adopted, many remain in the foster care system for extended periods of time. Some of these children are moved to group homes, while others simply age out of the foster care system, never truly finding a family of their own and a place to call home. (The Foster Parenting Manual, DeGarmo 2013).

There are several reasons why a foster child might be placed up for adoption. First, the custody rights of the birth parents are voluntarily terminated; secondly, the custody rights of the birth parents are terminated by a court order; and third, the child is up for adoption due to the death of birth parents.

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As foster parents, there are many reasons why we are the ideal choice to adopt a foster child. Many times when a child from foster care has his rights terminated, he has already been living in a loving and stable home with his foster family. When we care for foster children, we raise them as our own for an extended amount of time, meeting his needs, and nurturing him since he was removed from his birth parent’s home. Perhaps you are a foster family that cares for children with special needs. If so, you are the ones most familiar with these needs, and have gained valuable insight and resources how to best meet them and care for your foster child.

Far too many foster children struggle with school, as they move from home to home, and from school to school. When we adopt our foster children, we allow them to remain in the same school system, benefitting from having the same teachers who are already familiar with him and his needs. Often times, we have formed strong, loving, and important attachments with our foster children while they are placed in our home. If you are like me, our foster children often become a member of our family, and when they are be able to legally stay with us, there is a time of rejoicing.

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Just because a foster child finds a forever family when he is adopted does not mean that it will be smooth sailing afterwards, or that there will not be difficulties or challenges ahead. Help your former foster child and now permanent member of your family by working with them to understand why the adoption took place, and why he has a new family. Yet, the internal process for all involved can be a challenging one, especially for your child. They may have a difficult time accepting the fact that they will never return to live with their biological parents or birth family members again. It is necessary for you, as an adoptive parent, to allow your child time to grieve the loss of connection with his birth family. He may very well need time to experience the stages of grief before he fully transfer attachment from his birth family to yours. Even though he may have lived in your home for some time as a foster child, he will likely re-experience feelings of loss during the adoption process.

Allow him to discuss his feelings of grief and loss with you as you listen attentively to him, validating his feelings and emotions. If he should ask any questions about his biological parents or birth family, it is important that you answer them as honestly as you can. At the same time, help him to transfer attachment from his birth family to yours by ensuring that he is included in all aspects of your family, and when possible, incorporate parts of his previous family’s traditions into your own, as it helps him to feel more comfortable. After all, his birth family gave him his appearance and gender, his intelligence, his temperament, talents, and of course, his life. These, of course, will never change.

-Dr. John
Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting."
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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Welcoming your Child from Foster Care into your House.

10/21/2021

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The first impression you create with your foster child is often vitally important to how the next few days and weeks will transpire. This will probably not be the sweet little child who rushes into your waiting arms, laughing delightfully, as you might imagine. It is highly likely that your foster child will be scared and frightened, full of anxiety. He may have left his family moments ago, and is now told that you are his family, for the time being. Without a doubt, he is full of questions, as emotions swirl within him. No matter how much this child has been abused, whether it is physically or emotionally, your foster child will want to their mother and father back. After all, these people have been the most important people in his life. Along with this, he has lost his familiar pattern of living, his home, his friends, and all that made up his own personal world. Although it is impossible to predict how he will react when he first meets you, it is important that you approach this time with caution and care.

Each child’s placement is different. Some may come to you with a head full of lice, while some might be some might be covered in dirt, and the few possessions they own, if any, carried in a black plastic bag. In fact, they may only have the clothes on their back. Others may come to stay with you clean, healthy, and with a suitcase full of clothing, a box of possessions, and some money in their wallet. What is important is that you do not judge your foster child based on his arrival and appearance. However they arrive, they will need your patience, your time, and your love.

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When the caseworker pulls into your driveway, if possible, go out to the car and welcome the caseworker and child, introducing yourself immediately, with a warm smile and soft voice. Inform your foster child who you are and the role you will now play in his life. He may very well not understand the foster care system, or what foster parents do. Do not insist that your new child call you mom or dad. In fact, it is wise that you never insist upon this. The word “mom” may refer to the person who beat him. “Dad” may be the person who left his family. Allow your foster child to call you by your first names, if you feel comfortable with this, or by whatever name he feels comfortable in calling you. As the child may be scared, do not insist that he react to you right away. This is a time of extreme difficulty, and your foster child may be in a state of shock. As you help him inside with his possessions, take him by the hand, if he is a little one, or place a soft hand upon his shoulder, if he is a teenager. Actions like these can be reassuring that all will be okay, that he is in a safe and caring home. Do not insist upon hugging, as he may be too embarrassed or hurt to do so.

After all introductions to the entire family have been made, take him on a tour of your house, his new home. Show him where he will sleep, and where his clothes will be kept. Have a nightlight already on in the room, if the room is dark. The smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies is always a welcome one in any home, particularly for children. Ask if he is hungry, and offer him some food. If he doesn’t want any food, do not insist upon it. He will eat when he is ready and hungry.

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You will have to sign some paper work with your caseworker, as well as go over any last minute news, details, and information. If possible, do this away from the child, as this, too, can be especially embarrassing and damaging to your new child. This is a good time for your foster child to eat, or be alone in his new room. If you have children of your own, it may also be a good time for them to engage in some sort of play with their new foster brother. Your foster child will likely be overwhelmed with the situation, so it is important that you make sure your home is as peaceful and quiet as possible. When it comes to establishing family rules, you can put that aside the next few days.

Do not invite the neighbors or relatives over upon arrival. Instead, allow your foster child to have some personal space and alone time. If it is late at night, do not insist that he go to bed immediately. After all, he is probably not only needing some time to reflect on the day’s events, sleep may be difficult to come by, as he is in a strange bed, in a strange home. Sadly, it is not uncommon for newly placed foster children to cry themselves to sleep during the first few nights. Do not be surprised if this happens. He may be scared and lonely. Let him know that you understand how difficult it is for him, and that his tears are normal and all right. Read to him a bedtime story each night; place a nightlight not only in his room, but in the nearby bathroom, as well. Let him know that he can get up in the night and use the bathroom whenever he needs to.

-Dr. John
Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting."
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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The Importance of House Rules and Safety Measures for Foster Families

8/30/2021

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One thing I have learned over the years as a foster parent is that I must be flexible. To be sure, I never know when a child will arrive or leave my home, as there is often very little notice in either regard. In the past few months, I have seen the number of children in my home go from six to nine and then down to seven. At one time, we had eleven children in our home; three biological, three adopted, and a sibling group of five children from foster care. Now, if you believe we are a group home, this is not correct. Emergencies crop up, waivers are signed by both the state’s child welfare agency and my family, and my wife and I simply have a difficult time saying no.

            As you can imagine with eleven children, it seems that all my wife and I do is clean, wash, and supervise. The cooking is nonstop, the washing of dirty clothes is around the clock, and the supervision is often done with one eye towards one group of children, while the other eye is watching out for the others. Is it pandemonium in our house? Perhaps.     Is it a house that is never fully clean? Without a doubt. Is it a house full of love? Absolutely!   At the moment, my wife and I seem to be burning both ends of a candle stick right now, and we are a little tired. Just a little, mind you. Yet, as exhausting and as grueling as it can be with so many children in our home, and with so many emotional issues and challenges, one thing we have to be consistent in is with supervision. It seems that the supervision of our foster children takes up most of our time, energy, and efforts. Whether it is a new born baby or a teenager, our foster children are just like other children; active and seemingly into everything!

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Supervision of your foster child is a must at all times.   Make no mistake about it; you will be held responsible for your foster child’s whereabouts and safety at all times. After all, he is not your child; you are simply caring for him, and watching over him. As he is placed in your home, and is in your custody, you may be held accountable if he should come to any harm. Therefore, it is not only important that you know where your foster child is at all times, it is essential. You must know the whereabouts of your foster child; you must know where he is each moment. Whether he is in your home, at school, or at another location, you need to know where he is, just as you would for your own children.

Every time a child in foster care is placed in your home, surprises are sure to appear in some form or fashion. Indeed, each time a child from foster care moves to your home is different and unique. Just as no two children are alike, no two placements are alike, as well. Some placements may be smooth and easy, while others may be difficult and challenging. Some children may be open to being a part of your family, while others may battle you, placing stress upon your household. As I have noted in several books and articles, foster parenting is the hardest thing I have done; at the same time, it is the most important thing I have done, as well. Each child that has come to my home has changed me into a better person, and has helped my family grow in several ways.

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Yet, without the right preparation, and the right set of guidelines and expectations, the placement of a child from foster care into your home and into your family can become one that is full of stress and anxiety, even tearing your home and family apart. To be sure, there are so many distractions in our society that can create further disruption to a child in care; disruptions that can also bring additional stress to your home, as well. Social networking, media, technology, drugs; all of these pressures can not only affect the child, but your family, too. I encourage you to be strong in your expectations, consistent with your house rules, and diligent in your supervision. If not, you are setting up your child, and your foster parenting experience, for failure.

-Dr. John
Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting."
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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What your Foster Child Needs to Hear from You. Today!

7/17/2021

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I recently came across a post on social media stating that it was harmful for children in foster care to hear the words “I love you” from their foster parents.

Sadly, I have found over the years as a foster parent that so many children have never heard these three important words. Yet, these three words are the most important words that they need to hear. Indeed, one can never say “I love you,” to a child enough times. They need to and deserve to hear it several times a day. “I love you,” reminds children that they are valuable, that they matter, and that someone truly cares for them.

As a foster parent of over 60 children, I have loved being a foster parent, and I have found one thing is true. Like all children, a child in foster care has one true wish and one real desire, more than possibly anything else, and that is to be loved. As foster parents, we can protect the child from harm, provide a safe and secure home, offer nutritious meals, and open up a doorway of opportunities for foster children, granting them new and exciting experiences that they may never have dreamed of. Yet, with all of this, with all of the wonderful opportunities and safe environments, foster children really crave love the most. They want to be loved, and they need to be loved. After all, every child deserves to be loved.

Not only do children deserve love, they need it in order to grow in a healthy fashion. The greatest gift you and I have been given is love. While there are many forms of love, the strongest one, and most important for a foster child, is that of unconditional love. Sadly, many children in foster care either do not receive this love at all, or receive it too late, after too much emotional damage has been done.

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Children in foster care often come to our homes with a variety of illnesses, lice, scabies, and a host of other problems, due to previous living conditions, as well as neglect. Many times, these children also suffer from mental health issues. These might include anxiety related disorders, anger issues, panic disorder, depression, and so forth. To be sure, there are high levels of mental health problems with children under foster care.

For a foster child who may have been abused, beaten, or neglected, this type of love is most important. Without this type of love, a foster child will not form necessary and healthy attachment with others, resulting in a number of attachment disorders. Emotional difficulties such as a of lack of self worth, trust, and the need to be in control often result in the lack of unconditional and healthy parental love. As anyone who has worked with children placed into foster care will tell you, most of these children in need face an enormous amount of emotional issues, many times stemming from the lack of healthy love.

Let there be no doubt; children in foster care need stability, security, healthy diets, education, and a strong advocate fighting for them. Yet, what they need the most is for you is to love them. Despite all their challenges; despite their conditions; despite whatever label society might place upon them.

They need you to love them.

And they need to hear those words from you and from me.

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With this in mind, it is especially important for us, as foster parents, to communicate that we love the child in our home at all opportunities, and in a variety of ways. A strong foster parent is one who is not afraid to say “I love you” to his or her own spouse, to his children, and to her foster children. These simple words, these three words, can make a significant difference to a child who has only known violence and abuse. Along with this, we need to be nurturing to the children from foster care in our home, as well.

As I wrote in the book Faith and Foster Care, years later after a foster child has left your home, he may not remember your face. He may not remember your name. Yet, that child will remember one this; that he was important, and that he was loved. Thank you for loving children in foster care. Thank you for changing the world, one child at a time.

-Dr. John
Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting."
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

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It's Okay for You to Say "No" as a Foster Parent!

2/3/2021

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The word “No” has been a difficult one for me as a foster parent whenever we got “the call” for a placement of another child.

                Indeed, for so many years, I felt guilt whenever we had to tell a case worker that we were unable to care for the child that needed a home, at that very moment. I have had to say no on a few occasions over the year, and would be saddled with guilt for a time afterwards. With the lack of foster homes in the area I live in, along with the increase in the number of children being placed into care, my wife and I have taken in child after child, signing waiver after waiver. Several years ago, we had 11 children in the house. More recently, we had 9. Yes, we were running on fumes; exhausted each day from the many emotional needs and challenges the children brought into our home and into our families. Make no mistake; we loved what we were doing, and we felt called to do so.

                Yet, we were tired. We needed a break.

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Soon after this, a rather strange thing happened. Four of the children in our home went off to college. We had been caring for some older youth, all seniors in high school, who had nowhere else to stay, no one to care for them. It had been a rough 12 months, yet it had also been an adventurous one, as well. And then, within a matter of days, the four older ones in our home were off on their own adventure. While we still call them, visit them, and love them, they are starting exciting new chapters in their lives, and we shall continue to support them in so many ways. What I found, though, was an exciting adventure was about to start for my wife and I.

                For the first time, in 15 years, we only had 4 children in the home; a biological son and three children we had adopted from foster care. We found the house much quieter, much more peaceful, and we embraced it. The past few weeks have been as if we were on vacation; as if we were on respite care. (I can only imagine that this what having an "empty nest" felt like.) It has been a time to re-charge those batteries, reconnect with each other, and reconnect with our children. It has been a time where we could find rest, for you see, we had reached a stage bordering on being burned out.

                More importantly, it has reminded me that foster parents do indeed need rest from time to time. Indeed, As I note in The Foster Care Survival Guide book, foster parents DO need rest and a time of reprieve, every now and then.

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The life of a foster parent is a difficult one. It is unlike any other life style. The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis. Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through. Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange, and question why you do it.

You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained. There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child. The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off. You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated. You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments. Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities. Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks.

So, it is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life. As a foster parent, you NEED to take care of yourself. You NEED to ensure that you are watching out after yourself, finding the time you need for you, and the help you need to care for not only the children in your home, but for yourself and your family. If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

-Dr. John

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Covid and Foster Care: The Importance of Self Care for Foster Parents

1/1/2021

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.The Coronavirus continues to bring many challenges for all foster parents. Indeed, I have written about this many times. Now, I would like to share with you a collection of thoughts on Foster Parenting, Covid, and Self Care, so we can all better understand how to be better foster parents during these unprecedented times.

Many foster parents are concerned, confused, and looking for answers yet receiving little guidance.  For many foster parents, the lack of supervision has been an especially challenging one. Many foster parents are employed full time, and work during the day, while the children placed in their home from foster care are either in school, or at day care.  Other foster parents are faced with the difficulty of getting the services and support they and the children placed in their home both need.

Plus, it should come as no surprise that the anxiety level in the children living in your home is most likely off the charts. Children in foster care often suffer from high anxieties, due to the trauma they have experienced prior to coming to live with you. For some foster parents, they are struggling with a whole new world of homeschooling the children placed in their homes; homeschooling children who are behind in school. So many foster parents have never had experience teaching beforehand, and now they are teaching children who have learning disorders and challenges. Now, in this time of uncertainty, of self containment, of social distancing, the cancellation of visitations with their birth family members, of too much time on social media, phones, and electronic devices (and the tremendous danger that comes from this, right now, during the Coronavirus,) the anxiety within them has only grown and will continue to do so.

The result: foster parents are exhausted. You, me, all of us. We are exhausted, filled with our own anxiety and confusion. As we struggle with the Coronavirus, foster parents are in jeopardy of burnout, of stress, of compassion fatigue, and even of ending their time as foster parents.

Exercise, Diet, and Sleep time
Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy. You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever. Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out.   Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression. Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout. You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain. There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being. Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us. Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with. Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

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Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves. If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals. Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy. According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood. So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet. Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep. We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times. When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day. Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.

Remember to “Be in the Moment”
I imagine that you have the same experiences from time to time. You worry too much about the future. You grow concerned about what has not happened yet. You allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties. My friend, that’s normal, and it is easy to do . Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be. When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time. When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment. As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.

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Your Own Support Group
I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent. Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life. It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.

Alone time
When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. By taking the following stress reducing steps, you will help to ensure your well being, as you care for others in your home.

Quite simply, you need to make time for yourself. As a foster parent, this will be difficult, as you will be required to take care of a child full time. Along with this, you may also need to care for your own children, as well as your spouse. You may have a full time job that requires a great deal of your energy, plus there are those other commitments you have, such as church, volunteering, and other organizations you might be involved in. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy.

-Dr. John

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Who is my mom? Who is my dad? Where is my home? Guest Blog -Danny Vann

12/31/2020

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Many youth in the foster care system ask these questions daily. They are confused, lost and traumatized by all of the chaos and constant changes in what should be their stable family of origin. Let's explore some thoughts of a former foster child through the adult eyes of a foster care survivor.

Merriam-Webster defines family as: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children ....with marriage rates falling and divorce rates around 45% (according to the CDC), this definition is at odds with the current “normal” American lifestyle. My observation is that "True Family” are those who love and nurture you. I discovered, for me, “home” is where my heart feels safe.

I believe some of us are lucky and/or blessed to have many physical “parents” in our lives. I have also observed that GOD is always the SAME! He is the Father of us ALL. In order to survive all the changes
in MY life, I learned to pray to God about everything – to talk to Him and ask Him questions. I ask Him
for help, for guidance and wisdom. I have made it my life-long goal to learn about His ways, because it
was obvious to me that my parent's ways were NOT the ways I wanted to follow. Where else could I go?

Our bio moms and dads on earth are intended to be God's helpers – to guide us, to hug us and teach us to love each other. Some are good at this, some are not. I quickly learned that as new people came into my life, a NEW adventure began. I received new hugs and new lessons. I learned to see the common love even in new foster homes. The commandment: “honor your parents” turned into representing them as an honest, useful, God-fearing person to the best of my ability. Anger wasn't any help to me! Looking back I can see that we learn new things when our lives change or when things go wrong. We should be thankful when things go right. I am most grateful for all the people that came
forward and helped me and my siblings as we struggled through the chaos and multiple changes
after our parents got divorced and Mom lost her ability to care for six kids as a single mom in the
1960's. Even the extended family couldn't hold us together as we bounced around through what they
call “kinship homes” today.

When Mom dropped us off at that orphanage it seemed like our world was ending and, as a family, we
were doomed. But when we were met at the door by the smiling faces of nuns in their traditional black
and white habits, there was a glimmer of hope in my heart. “This might just work out okay,” I said to
myself. And for a while IT DID. We all got new clothes, new shoes and there was plenty of delicious
food. We ate three meals a day – and even had special activities and treats brought in by Knights of
Columbus volunteers. Things were looking up.....until.....we were told that we had to move out and go
into separate foster homes.

For all those that help – THANK YOU!

By making time to help others less fortunate, you are not only setting a good example for your
immediate family, you also rescue the helpless children who are victims of circumstances beyond their
control. You are doing to others what you would surely want someone to do for YOU! You practice the
Golden Rule and kids in crisis have a better life because of it. To us, you fill the role of mom & dad
and that gives us HOPE!

For all those struggling with the chaos and change.....Today, and everyday, I encourage foster youth to focus on happy things; smiles and songs chase away pain and loneliness. Find a reason to smile and sing. God gives other people a chance to share their love and their home with you. Embrace it! You are on a lifelong journey – don't panic, this is just the next stop. Listen to this beautiful song God gave me to share with others: I Hear an Angel Whispering - click HERE. I hope and pray that your heart finds a place to feel safe!

Danny Vann

Born in 1953 the oldest of six kids, Danny Vann has faced many challenges in his life. He has been
inspiring and motivating people for decades through his professional music, corporate leadership and
church fellowship roles. He is a Songwriter, recording artist and the author of My Journey in the Shadow of “The King” - A story of hope and resilience...the discovery of a cherished life. Find out more about Danny Vann HERE.

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Don't Take it Personal! The Hard Part of Being a Foster Parent.

11/28/2020

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There have been those times when some of the children living with my family have been disrespectful to me, have called me every name in the book, and have been downright mean spirited towards my wife and me. Does my blood pressure rise, as a result? Yes, sometimes it does, and at times it is difficult on all of us. To be sure, when a child calls you names, pushes your buttons, disobeys you, and treats you poorly, it is difficult not to take it personally. You may become angry; that’s normal.

Yet, as a foster parent, it is important for all of us to remember that the child is most likely not attacking you personally. Children in foster care are often scared, often afraid, often hurting, and often in emotional pain. For so many children, they simply do not know how to process the many feelings and emotions that engulf and enwrap them. They are unsure how to appropriately release these pent up feelings, emotions, and anxieties, and simply lash out instead. Lash out at you. Lash out at me. My friend, that’s okay. You and I are simply the recipient of the pain and trauma that they suffer from. It is important for us not to take it as a personal attack. So, how do we do that? How do we prevent this from leading to burn out?

First, we need to remember that it isn’t really about us. The child has been abused, neglected, abandoned. There is a reason why the child living in your home has been placed into foster care. He is hurting. It’s not about us. It’s about the child, and his pain. Even when he is yelling at you, “I hate you!” and slamming the door. His anger and emotion may be directed at you, but it’s not truly about you. Instead, his anger and pain comes from someplace else.

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When your buttons are being pushed, it is important to remember that you are the mature one, you are the adult, you are the parental figure. Resist yelling back, don’t give in to the temptation to respond in anger, no name calling from you. Try to not respond emotionally. Instead, focus on the child’s behavior and not his emotion. Respond to why he is feeling this way, not to the words he may be yelling at you.

I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent.

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I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.

-Dr. John

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What is your Normal? A Former Foster Child Reflects

10/19/2020

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What is your normal? As a nine-year-old, emptiness and depression became my normal moving forward.

We escaped CPS to squat in an abandoned house. My sister was pregnant and my brother was preparing for a child at 14 years old. It gave us hope that my dad promised to restore the abandoned house we lived in. I dreamt of my dad fixing up our house and creating a resurgence within the neighborhood. Unfortunately, the bad influences of the community only worsened my mom’s drug use. My dad continued
selling drugs and addicts throughout the neighborhood regularly showed up at our house.

Michigan winter began and the Detroit winds became brutal. Without running water, we had to scoop snow off of the ground, carry it inside in buckets, and wait for it to melt to use as makeshift showers. Without a bed, we regularly piled up clothes to sleep on to avoid feeling the wood and sharp nails sticking out of the floor. To this day, the
smell of gasoline recalls those gasoline heaters we used to warm our dinner in abandoned housing.

My dad had been making excuses for months of why he couldn’t fix the house and
resorted to hiding from CPS. I began to lose faith in my parents. We did our best, but
my parents had no choice but to let us go.

One month later, I entered foster care as the youngest of five siblings. The feeling of
having my parents let me down was the beginning of my mental health issues. Filled
with anxiety I thought, “If I couldn’t trust my parents, I reasoned, who would I be able to trust?”
I entered into the system buried in emptiness. I was alone and afraid.

Though I had experienced homelessness, neglect, and living in abandoned housing in
my childhood, five years later my sense of loneliness would take a turn for the worse.
March 15th, 2011 would haunt me for many years to come.

I was in the seventh grade when I was walking home from school and brutally
attacked by three high school students, having a brick slammed into my teeth.

I ran into a random McDonald’s, asking anyone who would listen to call the
ambulance. People stared, covering their mouths in shock. I tried to remain calm.
Gasping, I dragged myself to the counter. All eyes were on me, but no one was
offering to help. People seemed paralyzed by shock, which only made me more
frightened of what had happened to me.

I vaguely noticed that blood was pouring out of my mouth, and that this made it hard
to speak. Finally, the cashier came from behind the counter and handed me a warm
wet rag. Once I looked down to grab it, I noticed the blood all over my coat, my
hands, and even the cashier.

In the ambulance, it was confirmed that I had lost six teeth, four of them partially
gone and the front two completely knocked out. Later on, I found out that a part of
the bone structure underneath my nose was damaged and partially gone as well.
Every day after school I was forced to walk to the bus stop, next to the McDonalds
where I lost my teeth. Every day after school I saw my blood sitting in the McDonalds
parking lot on my way to the bus stop. As I waited for the bus, I relived the incident,
every single day. Walking past the spot where I lost my teeth, I noticed pieces of
broken teeth in the parking lot that were probably mine. Walking home from school
was never the same.

Weeks later the Mcdonald’s cashier who comforted me during the incident came out
to the bus stop to check on me. She asked how I was doing and how I was handling
things. Sometimes the small things mean so much. She couldn’t have had any idea
what I was going through. The amount I was dealing with. She didn’t know that I felt
alone and was deeply depressed. In only a few minutes, she made my day and
made me feel loved. Something I had been unfamiliar with for most of my life.
Many Black communities have been deprived of information on positive ways to
maintain or improve mental health. Society has put a dollar value on mental health
and if you can’t afford a counselor, then you’re out of luck. Of course, mental health
support and the stability it offers help pull impoverished communities away from the
brink of destruction. Many impoverished Black communities have little if any access
to information about mental health.

Anxiety and depression are swept under the rug in Black communities, usually going
unnamed and unaddressed. Because I grew up in a household that lacked any
knowledge of how to resolve conflict healthily, I almost became a product of this
system. It wasn’t until I took advantage of the resource of counseling that I learned
how generational cycles could be reversed and how to disrupt the path of brokenness
set for Black communities.

-Justin Black

Learn more about how you too can redefine your normal in our new book Redefining Normal: How Two Foster Kids Beat The Odds and Discovered Healing, Happiness and Love available now at re-definingnormal.com and on Amazon beginning November 9th, 2020.

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How Today's Foster Parents are Role Models

10/1/2020

3 Comments

You are it. A role model.

So am I. So are each one of us. Unfortunately, there aren’t many good ones these days. There are far too many poor role models for our kids to watch, and our kids to follow today. We know it to be true. All we need to do is turn on the TV or social media, and we quickly see that our children are being bombarded with negative role models. You and I need to step it up. You and I need to change that.

Yet, there is more to it than that. As foster parents, we are a unique role model; a role model to many that we might not suspect. We need to take our role of being a good parent more seriously. We need to embrace the possibility that we might be the only positive role model other children might ever see.

There is always someone who is watching us, listening to us, and perhaps even modeling after us. Somebody is watching what you do today. Someone is listening to what you say, this very day. Maybe it is your child. Perhaps it is a niece, nephew, or grandchild. It might be the child at the grocery store, watching you down the aisle, or packing up your items at the check-out line. As a role model, what kind of message are you sending? As a role model, what kind of lesson are you teaching?

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As foster parents, we need to not only understand this, but also embrace it. We are role models not only for the children living in our homes and as our family members, but also for the birth parents and biological children that we are caring for.

For people like 22-year-old mother Mireya Alejandra Lopez, who drowned two of her twin infants in a bathtub, she lacked love in her life. When questioned by investigators, she stated that nobody loved her children and nobody loved her. For people like Dylann Roof, the alleged shooter of nine people in Charleston, South Carolina, there were few good role models in his life, or in his home. An absent mother, a father who beat his step mother, and by age 15, Dylann began skipping classes, eventually quit school, and ended up unemployed and taking drugs. For 15-year old Alyssa Bustamante, who brutally stabbed a nine year old girl, simply because she “wanted to know what it was like to kill people,” she also suffered from lack of healthy parenting. Abandoned by her mother and, and a father who was in prison for most of her childhood, the troubled teen battled thoughts of suicide, and was on medication for depression. For the children who were rioting in Ferguson and in Baltimore, where are their positive role models? Who was telling them that their actions were wrong?

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As a parent, you will be a role model for countless people, as many eyes will be upon you. Not only will you be a role model for your children, but for the public, as a whole. For your neighbor who is having a difficult time as a parent, you are their role model. For the expectant mother at your work, you are her role model. For your child’s friend, who comes from a home of abuse, you are his role model for his future children. After all, not many in our society know what good parenting is really about these days. Your actions today might show other parents, and other children, how to act, how to behave, how to be compassionate, and how to be kind. People are watching you, today. People are learning from you, today. I am an adoptive and foster parent, taking care of 60 plus children in my home and in my family. My family, my work mates, close friends, those at my church; all will discover what foster care is all about, and what good parenting is about, just by watching what I do each and every day. The same applies to you!

Now, you might not be a foster parent, yet you are an example of what good parenting is all about. If you are a foster parent, everything you do will send signals to the biological parents on how a parent should act, as well as how to treat their own children. Everything you say will speak volumes to the child’s birth family members.Therefore, as a parent, it is important that you embrace this role, as it will surely affect the child in your own home, as well as others around you. You are planting seeds in the lives of both your children and those around you; seeds which will hopefully blossom into something better.
-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of the best selling book The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents. Order your signed copy HERE.

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A Forever Family: Adoption from Foster Care

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Welcoming your Child from Foster Care into your House.

The Importance of House Rules and Safety Measures for Foster Families

What your Foster Child Needs to Hear from You. Today!

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It's Okay for You to Say "No" as a Foster Parent!

Covid and Foster Care: The Importance of Self Care for Foster Parents

Who is my mom? Who is my dad? Where is my home? Guest Blog -Danny Vann

Don't Take it Personal! The Hard Part of Being a Foster Parent.

What is your Normal? A Former Foster Child Reflects

How Today's Foster Parents are Role Models

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