“How has your life changed while being a foster parent?”

It was a question I had been asked a great deal of late.  Recently, I had been doing the rounds of radio and TV interviews while promoting my newest book,The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families.
  Like most people, many of the radio and TV 
hosts had very little knowledge of what being a foster parent is really about.  I would imagine many of your own friends and family members don’t really understand what you do, either.   Additionally, they likely do not understand how your life has changed.

                I have said it many times, in many places; foster parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. It IS hard work.  At the same time, it is also Heart Work.  It is the most important job I have done, as well.  I have been able to watch the lives of over 60 children change while living in my home.

                Yet, my life has changed, also, in so many ways, in so many areas.  Of the 60 plus children that has come to my home, come to live with my family, each has made me a better person and has made an impact on my life in some way.
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                I have learned to love deeper, more openly, and without abandon.  I have learned to love each child that comes into my home in an unconditional manner, and without reservations.  I am no longer ashamed to tell people that I love them.  I cry openly now, and am no longer embarrassed when it happens.  The saying that “real men don’t cry” is rubbish to me.  I have become an emotional cripple in that manner, yet in a healthy way.  In a way that I embrace.

                Foster parenting has created a sense of urgency within me to make a difference in the lives of those in need.  Perhaps it is due to the children’s horror stories that I have been witness to, and have watched come through my home.   I now am able to see the pain and suffering in others, and am better equipped to help them.  To be sure,  I have always been one that has wanted to help others, but since I have become a foster parent to children who have suffered from abuse, from neglect, and from being abandoned, all by those who profess to love them the most-their birth family members, I have felt compelled to help even more. 

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    I have learned to forgive more.  Love and forgiveness are two actions that are intertwined, and cannot be separated. If we truly love others, then we need to forgive, as well. Without forgiveness, there is no love.  When I was angry towards our foster teen’s mother, I was in no way sharing  love. Instead, my stomach was in knots, and I was one tense parent.  I was shackled by my own inability to forgive someone, a prisoner to a debilitating emotion.  Yet, when I did forgive her, it felt like a weight was taken off my own shoulders. One of the amazing things about the act of forgiving others is that it allows us better use our energies towards something that is more constructive, more positive.  Forgiveness frees us from the forces of hate and evil, and instead allows us to draw closer to others, and gives us more strength to do the work we are called to do.  When we forgive the actions of our foster child’s birth parents, not only are we showing love to them, and empowering ourselves, we are also honoring our foster children. 

          Foster parenting has transformed me into becoming a better parent to my own children, husband to my wife, and citizen to my community and the world.  For each child that has come through my home, I give thanks.  For each child that has allowed my family to grow, you will always be part of my family.  For each child that spent time in the foster care system while living with my family, I shall always love you.

    To my fellow foster parents, thank you for what you do. Thank you for making sacrifices in your own life to care for those in need. Thank you for loving children without abandon, and as family. Thank you for changing the lives of those in need.  May your own lives be changed, as well.
 
-Dr. John

Order your copy of the New book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families. Order your signed copy HERE.

When you look at your child’s behavior, there can be a tendency to think that it is out of the ordinary. After all, any slight changes can affect the whole family’s lifestyle, especially until the parents find ways to manage or minimize the behavior. It’s usually when parents have tried everything they can think of that they turn to external professionals. They start with the child’s pediatrician and then they seek referrals to outside providers, including behavioral therapy, counseling, speech and language therapy and, when medication or further testing might be needed, they might even ask for a referral to a pediatric neurologist. However, behavior specialist can attest to the fact that many interventions can be tried with children from toddlers to teens before they would need to see a professional for treatment. Here, we examine 5 behavior myths that you should consider before jumping to conclusions about your child: 
 
Bad Behavior that starts young will continue throughout life

1. Problems in preschool do not indicate that a child will have a serious behavioral disorder for life. It is rare for physicians to make a serious behavioral diagnosis of a condition like oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) or conduct disorder in a child under 5 years of age. Children are growing and developing so much in their first five years of life that it’s hard for any professional to assert that certain behaviors are indicative of a lifelong problem. 
 
Children Respond to Punishment More Than Rewards

2. This is a mistake that many educators, childcare providers, and parents make. They believe that providing strict limits for a child will encourage them to develop self-discipline. While this is true because all children need limits to know they are loved by adults, using punishment is not a preferred method of fixing behavior. Children of all ages, and even adults that managers coach in the professional workplace, will be more motivated by being praised when they exhibit positive behaviors. A punishment will not motivate anyone, especially if they are being embarrassed or made to feel bad about themselves. That being said, parents need to figure out if children are intentionally breaking their rules at home or at school or engaging in certain problematic behaviors to get negative attention. 

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Children Should Be Diagnosed by A Doctor To Receive Medical Treatment

3. Believe it or not, it could make any parent or caregiver’s life a little easier if a hyperactive child was given medicine to calm down. A teacher’s life would be easier if a child was given medicine to focus during class. However, medical providers don’t want to rush to say that a child has a disorder of any kind until they are old enough and until their behaviors are documented well enough to indicate there’s a significant problem. Parents must be careful not to label their own children because this can negatively affect a child’s self-esteem. 
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Children should be bargained with in order to control their behavior, especially when the family is in public.

4. While parents need to choose their battles with children exhibiting troublesome behaviors, bargaining indicates that the child will get what he or she wants when compliant. Most young children do not even possess the ability to rationalize their own behaviors. Parents should bear in mind that giving a preferred reward does not increase the child’s ability to behave over time. Parents will do better to offer rewards that the child prefers and then fade them out as the child increases his or her level of compliance. Children also need to be taught behaviors or strategies to use when they begin to show a non-preferred behavior. 
 
Children respond better to loud voices and yelling to get their attention.

5. While it is true that young children and older children may have grown up in environments where yelling is the preferred communication method of the parent or caregiver, this is not the best approach. Frequent yelling can cause a child to become desensitized to loud noise. Parents should find the best method of securing a child’s attention to provide verbal cues and to effectively coach them on their behavior. Yelling should be used sparingly, and usually is more effective for stopping a child from doing something that will be immediately harmful to his or her body.
 
Many behaviors can be fixed or replaced with substitute behaviors just by figuring out what motivates or triggers the child to engage in them.
 
 
Brittany Waddell is a contributing writer and media specialist for Youth Villages. She often produces content for a variety of fostering blogs. 

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8. Help for the Foster Parent
A recent study by The Foster Care Institute found that foster parent retention suffers from several different factors. Feelings of grief, loss, stress, and burnout are quite real for today's foster parents. Foster parents often do not have all the resources or time they need to best help the children they are caring for from foster care. Whether it is by providing a cooked meal, helping out at Christmas time and birthdays, donating to a foster parent fund, raising money for summer camps and field trips for foster children, there are a number of ways people can help children in foster care where they live. More training, understanding, support, and time to heal from grief, loss, and burnout is needed for foster parents.  

9. Faith Based Help
Today's faith based organizations have an opportunity to truly impact the foster care system in a positive way. Hosting a local foster parent association and support group is one such way a faith based organization can serve foster parents. Another way is serving as a location for family visitations. Faith based groups can provide a safe, consistent, warm, and inviting atmosphere for children and birth family members to meet during visitation sessions. Not only will children in foster care benefit, but foster parents and birth parents of the children will also benefit.

10. CASA Program
CASAs, or Court Appointed Special Advocates are volunteers who work with children in foster care as they advocate for their best interests in courtrooms and communities. These volunteer advocates offer judges the critical information they need to ensure that each child's rights and needs are being attended to while in foster care. Along with this, these volunteers often interact with children until they are placed in loving permanent homes. By becoming a CASA, one can directly help a child in foster care.

11.  Relief for Case Workers
Case workers are under-resourced, underpaid, overworked, and overwhelmed.  Our caseworkers need to be given more time, more funding, more resources, and more understanding from the public, from the courts, and from foster parents.

With the New Year upon us, we have the opportunity to bring change the foster care system. We have the opportunity to bring healing to children who have very little. We have the opportunity to help children and families in crisis. Let us all make that a top resolution this year.

-Dr. John

Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting." 
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

As a foster parent, you NEED to take care of yourself.  

Last month, we looked at three things that every foster parent needs to do.  This month, we look at three MORE things that foster parents absolutely must do!  If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

Patience is a Virtue
When we lose our control, or lose our patience, with a child, we lose control over the situation itself.  When children see us lose control ourselves, it may suggest to them that the response they chose was the right one. It is important to remember that many children in foster care have never been in an environment where issues are addressed in a calm and rational manner, but instead in one of anger and hostility.  Your own loss of patience and control reinforces to them that this response is normal, and acceptable.  When a child in your home is trying your patience, as the saying goes, try and remain calm.  Respond to the child in a calm fashion, and with compassion and patience.  Not only will you show the child that you can maintain control, you will also teach the child appropriate ways to hold discussions.  Furthermore, help your own anxiety and stress level, helping you to prevent future burn out.

If you are struggling with maintaining your own patience, go ahead and call your own time out.  Don’t be afraid or let your ego object to asking your spouse or partner to step in and take over a situation if you are becoming too frustrated, or feel you are you are losing control of your own emotions.  Tell the child that you will talk about it at a later time, allowing both you and the child to cool off.  Step outside or into another room, and give yourself time to count to ten.  Any of these are positive ways to de-escalate a situation.
 
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Don’t Take it Personally
There have been those times when some of the children living with my family have been disrespectful to me, have called me every name in the book, and have been downright mean spirited towards my wife and me.  Does my blood pressure rise, as a result?  Yes, sometimes it does, and at times it is difficult on all of us.  To be sure, when a child calls you names, pushes your buttons, disobeys you, and treats you poorly, it is difficult not to take it personally.  You may become angry; that’s normal.

Yet, as a foster parent, it is important for all of us to remember that the child is most likely not attacking you personally.  Children in foster care are often scared, often afraid, often hurting, and often in emotional pain.   For so many children, they simply do not know how to process the many feelings and emotions that engulf and enwrap them.  They are unsure how to appropriately release these pent up feelings, emotions, and anxieties, and simply lash out instead. Lash out at you. Lash out at me.  My friend, that’s okay.  You and I are simply the recipient of the pain and trauma that they suffer from.  It is important for us not to take it as a personal attack.  So, how do we do that? How do we prevent this from leading to burn out?

​​First, we need to remember that it isn’t really about us.  The child has been abused, neglected, abandoned. There is a reason why the child living in your home has been placed into foster care. He is hurting. It’s not about us.  It’s about the child, and his pain.  Even when he is yelling at you, “I hate you!” and slamming the door. His anger and emotion may be directed at you, but it’s not truly about you.  Instead, his anger and pain comes from someplace else.
When your buttons are being pushed, it is important to remember that you are the mature one, you are the adult, you are the parental figure.  Resist yelling back, don’t give in to the temptation to respond in anger, no name calling from you.  Try to not respond emotionally. Instead, focus on the child’s behavior and not his emotion. Respond to why he is feeling this way, not to the words he may be yelling at you.

 
Your Own Support Group
I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent.

Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life.  It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.  

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.       

-Dr. John

Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting." 
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

As a foster parent, you NEED to take care of yourself.   You NEED to ensure that you are watching out after yourself, finding the time you need for you, and the help you need to care for not only the children in your home, but for yourself and your family.  If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life.  It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.  One of the ways to treat burn out is simply to rest from time to time.  Indeed, foster parents DO need rest and a time of reprieve, every now and then.

Remember to “Be in the Moment”
Far too often, I spend too much time looking ahead to what I have to do. With all of the responsibilities as a foster parent, father, husband, as well as my work commitments and responsibilities, I find that I spend far too much time planning and worrying about all that needs to be done.  There are times when this results with me feeling overwhelmed.  There are also those times when I allow myself to worry what might become to a child that has left my home and family. I worry for their safety, their future, their well-being. There are even those moments when I feel anger towards a decision made by the court system regarding a child that I am caring for; a decision that I might not agree that is in the best interest of the child.  I imagine that you have the same experiences from time to time. You worry too much about the future. You grow concerned about what has not happened yet.  You allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties.  My friend, that’s normal, and it is easy to do.

Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be.  When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time.  When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment.  As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.
 
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Let your heart break
You have probably heard the same thing I have heard, over and over again.  They tell me, “Dr. John, I couldn’t do what you do. It would hurt too much to give the kids back.”  I reassure them that is how it is supposed to be.   Our hearts are supposed to break for these children, because that means we are giving them what they need the most; someone to love them with all their heart.

Now, there are those who say that you, as a foster parent, should not get too attached. There are those who might suggest to you that they are really not your children.  There are even those who might advise you that you need not become too emotionally invested in the children, because they are bound to go back home.  The truth, as you most likely know, is the opposite. We do love them as our own, and sure, we also experience feelings of grief and loss when a child leaves, as we examine fully in The Foster Care Survival Guide.  Yet, it is healthy for us to become emotionally invested, and to become attached to the children in our home.  If we do not become attached, and hold ourselves at arm’s distance, so to speak, and try to protect ourselves, we will not be able to help the ones we are trying to care for.
 
Exercise, Diet, and Sleep time
Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy.  You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever.  Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out.   Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression.  Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout.  You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain.  There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being.  Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us.  Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with.  Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves.  If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals.  Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy.  According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood.  So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet.  Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep.  We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times.  When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day.  Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.  

Next month, we shall have three more things that you MUST do in order to care for yourself, so you can care for children in need.
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-Dr. John

Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting." 
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.