When you look at your child’s behavior, there can be a tendency to think that it is out of the ordinary. After all, any slight changes can affect the whole family’s lifestyle, especially until the parents find ways to manage or minimize the behavior. It’s usually when parents have tried everything they can think of that they turn to external professionals. They start with the child’s pediatrician and then they seek referrals to outside providers, including behavioral therapy, counseling, speech and language therapy and, when medication or further testing might be needed, they might even ask for a referral to a pediatric neurologist. However, behavior specialist can attest to the fact that many interventions can be tried with children from toddlers to teens before they would need to see a professional for treatment. Here, we examine 5 behavior myths that you should consider before jumping to conclusions about your child: 
 
Bad Behavior that starts young will continue throughout life

1. Problems in preschool do not indicate that a child will have a serious behavioral disorder for life. It is rare for physicians to make a serious behavioral diagnosis of a condition like oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) or conduct disorder in a child under 5 years of age. Children are growing and developing so much in their first five years of life that it’s hard for any professional to assert that certain behaviors are indicative of a lifelong problem. 
 
Children Respond to Punishment More Than Rewards

2. This is a mistake that many educators, childcare providers, and parents make. They believe that providing strict limits for a child will encourage them to develop self-discipline. While this is true because all children need limits to know they are loved by adults, using punishment is not a preferred method of fixing behavior. Children of all ages, and even adults that managers coach in the professional workplace, will be more motivated by being praised when they exhibit positive behaviors. A punishment will not motivate anyone, especially if they are being embarrassed or made to feel bad about themselves. That being said, parents need to figure out if children are intentionally breaking their rules at home or at school or engaging in certain problematic behaviors to get negative attention. 

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Children Should Be Diagnosed by A Doctor To Receive Medical Treatment

3. Believe it or not, it could make any parent or caregiver’s life a little easier if a hyperactive child was given medicine to calm down. A teacher’s life would be easier if a child was given medicine to focus during class. However, medical providers don’t want to rush to say that a child has a disorder of any kind until they are old enough and until their behaviors are documented well enough to indicate there’s a significant problem. Parents must be careful not to label their own children because this can negatively affect a child’s self-esteem. 
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Children should be bargained with in order to control their behavior, especially when the family is in public.

4. While parents need to choose their battles with children exhibiting troublesome behaviors, bargaining indicates that the child will get what he or she wants when compliant. Most young children do not even possess the ability to rationalize their own behaviors. Parents should bear in mind that giving a preferred reward does not increase the child’s ability to behave over time. Parents will do better to offer rewards that the child prefers and then fade them out as the child increases his or her level of compliance. Children also need to be taught behaviors or strategies to use when they begin to show a non-preferred behavior. 
 
Children respond better to loud voices and yelling to get their attention.

5. While it is true that young children and older children may have grown up in environments where yelling is the preferred communication method of the parent or caregiver, this is not the best approach. Frequent yelling can cause a child to become desensitized to loud noise. Parents should find the best method of securing a child’s attention to provide verbal cues and to effectively coach them on their behavior. Yelling should be used sparingly, and usually is more effective for stopping a child from doing something that will be immediately harmful to his or her body.
 
Many behaviors can be fixed or replaced with substitute behaviors just by figuring out what motivates or triggers the child to engage in them.
 
 
Brittany Waddell is a contributing writer and media specialist for Youth Villages. She often produces content for a variety of fostering blogs. 

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8. Help for the Foster Parent
A recent study by The Foster Care Institute found that foster parent retention suffers from several different factors. Feelings of grief, loss, stress, and burnout are quite real for today's foster parents. Foster parents often do not have all the resources or time they need to best help the children they are caring for from foster care. Whether it is by providing a cooked meal, helping out at Christmas time and birthdays, donating to a foster parent fund, raising money for summer camps and field trips for foster children, there are a number of ways people can help children in foster care where they live. More training, understanding, support, and time to heal from grief, loss, and burnout is needed for foster parents.  

9. Faith Based Help
Today's faith based organizations have an opportunity to truly impact the foster care system in a positive way. Hosting a local foster parent association and support group is one such way a faith based organization can serve foster parents. Another way is serving as a location for family visitations. Faith based groups can provide a safe, consistent, warm, and inviting atmosphere for children and birth family members to meet during visitation sessions. Not only will children in foster care benefit, but foster parents and birth parents of the children will also benefit.

10. CASA Program
CASAs, or Court Appointed Special Advocates are volunteers who work with children in foster care as they advocate for their best interests in courtrooms and communities. These volunteer advocates offer judges the critical information they need to ensure that each child's rights and needs are being attended to while in foster care. Along with this, these volunteers often interact with children until they are placed in loving permanent homes. By becoming a CASA, one can directly help a child in foster care.

11.  Relief for Case Workers
Case workers are under-resourced, underpaid, overworked, and overwhelmed.  Our caseworkers need to be given more time, more funding, more resources, and more understanding from the public, from the courts, and from foster parents.

With the New Year upon us, we have the opportunity to bring change the foster care system. We have the opportunity to bring healing to children who have very little. We have the opportunity to help children and families in crisis. Let us all make that a top resolution this year.

-Dr. John

Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting." 
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

As a foster parent, you NEED to take care of yourself.  

Last month, we looked at three things that every foster parent needs to do.  This month, we look at three MORE things that foster parents absolutely must do!  If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

Patience is a Virtue
When we lose our control, or lose our patience, with a child, we lose control over the situation itself.  When children see us lose control ourselves, it may suggest to them that the response they chose was the right one. It is important to remember that many children in foster care have never been in an environment where issues are addressed in a calm and rational manner, but instead in one of anger and hostility.  Your own loss of patience and control reinforces to them that this response is normal, and acceptable.  When a child in your home is trying your patience, as the saying goes, try and remain calm.  Respond to the child in a calm fashion, and with compassion and patience.  Not only will you show the child that you can maintain control, you will also teach the child appropriate ways to hold discussions.  Furthermore, help your own anxiety and stress level, helping you to prevent future burn out.

If you are struggling with maintaining your own patience, go ahead and call your own time out.  Don’t be afraid or let your ego object to asking your spouse or partner to step in and take over a situation if you are becoming too frustrated, or feel you are you are losing control of your own emotions.  Tell the child that you will talk about it at a later time, allowing both you and the child to cool off.  Step outside or into another room, and give yourself time to count to ten.  Any of these are positive ways to de-escalate a situation.
 
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Don’t Take it Personally
There have been those times when some of the children living with my family have been disrespectful to me, have called me every name in the book, and have been downright mean spirited towards my wife and me.  Does my blood pressure rise, as a result?  Yes, sometimes it does, and at times it is difficult on all of us.  To be sure, when a child calls you names, pushes your buttons, disobeys you, and treats you poorly, it is difficult not to take it personally.  You may become angry; that’s normal.

Yet, as a foster parent, it is important for all of us to remember that the child is most likely not attacking you personally.  Children in foster care are often scared, often afraid, often hurting, and often in emotional pain.   For so many children, they simply do not know how to process the many feelings and emotions that engulf and enwrap them.  They are unsure how to appropriately release these pent up feelings, emotions, and anxieties, and simply lash out instead. Lash out at you. Lash out at me.  My friend, that’s okay.  You and I are simply the recipient of the pain and trauma that they suffer from.  It is important for us not to take it as a personal attack.  So, how do we do that? How do we prevent this from leading to burn out?

​​First, we need to remember that it isn’t really about us.  The child has been abused, neglected, abandoned. There is a reason why the child living in your home has been placed into foster care. He is hurting. It’s not about us.  It’s about the child, and his pain.  Even when he is yelling at you, “I hate you!” and slamming the door. His anger and emotion may be directed at you, but it’s not truly about you.  Instead, his anger and pain comes from someplace else.
When your buttons are being pushed, it is important to remember that you are the mature one, you are the adult, you are the parental figure.  Resist yelling back, don’t give in to the temptation to respond in anger, no name calling from you.  Try to not respond emotionally. Instead, focus on the child’s behavior and not his emotion. Respond to why he is feeling this way, not to the words he may be yelling at you.

 
Your Own Support Group
I have said it over and over again; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. That’s why it is important to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are feeling burned out. There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent.

Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life.  It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.  

I know of some people that become so engrossed in being a parent and taking care of children that their own personal identity disappears over time. Don’t neglect who you are and what makes you special. After all, your spouse fell in love with you for who you are! When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and your foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy. If you take time for yourself, you will help to ensure your well-being, as you care for others in your own home.       

-Dr. John

Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting." 
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

As a foster parent, you NEED to take care of yourself.   You NEED to ensure that you are watching out after yourself, finding the time you need for you, and the help you need to care for not only the children in your home, but for yourself and your family.  If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call; the next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It's okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life.  It’s okay to take some personal time, each day, for mediation, prayer, or spiritual time for yourself.  One of the ways to treat burn out is simply to rest from time to time.  Indeed, foster parents DO need rest and a time of reprieve, every now and then.

Remember to “Be in the Moment”
Far too often, I spend too much time looking ahead to what I have to do. With all of the responsibilities as a foster parent, father, husband, as well as my work commitments and responsibilities, I find that I spend far too much time planning and worrying about all that needs to be done.  There are times when this results with me feeling overwhelmed.  There are also those times when I allow myself to worry what might become to a child that has left my home and family. I worry for their safety, their future, their well-being. There are even those moments when I feel anger towards a decision made by the court system regarding a child that I am caring for; a decision that I might not agree that is in the best interest of the child.  I imagine that you have the same experiences from time to time. You worry too much about the future. You grow concerned about what has not happened yet.  You allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties.  My friend, that’s normal, and it is easy to do.

Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be.  When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time.  When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment.  As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.
 
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Let your heart break
You have probably heard the same thing I have heard, over and over again.  They tell me, “Dr. John, I couldn’t do what you do. It would hurt too much to give the kids back.”  I reassure them that is how it is supposed to be.   Our hearts are supposed to break for these children, because that means we are giving them what they need the most; someone to love them with all their heart.

Now, there are those who say that you, as a foster parent, should not get too attached. There are those who might suggest to you that they are really not your children.  There are even those who might advise you that you need not become too emotionally invested in the children, because they are bound to go back home.  The truth, as you most likely know, is the opposite. We do love them as our own, and sure, we also experience feelings of grief and loss when a child leaves, as we examine fully in The Foster Care Survival Guide.  Yet, it is healthy for us to become emotionally invested, and to become attached to the children in our home.  If we do not become attached, and hold ourselves at arm’s distance, so to speak, and try to protect ourselves, we will not be able to help the ones we are trying to care for.
 
Exercise, Diet, and Sleep time
Sure, you feel worn out, exhausted, and have lack of energy.  You feel as if you simply do not have any energy whatsoever.  Yet, exercise goes a long ways towards treating burn out.   Studies indicate that exercise is able to act as a sort of antidepressant medication, in that it helps to treat moderate depression.  Furthermore, when you exercise regularly, it also helps to prevent future burnout.  You see, when we exercise, it helps to do all kinds of wonderful things to our brain.  There is neural growth, endorphins are released, strong chemicals run through our rain helping us to feel great and revitalize our well emotional well-being.  Along with that, it simply helps to serve as a distraction to what is troubling us.  Instead of focusing on all of our worries and concerns, we are instead focused on walking up that next hill, running that extra mile, lifting even more weights, or whatever type of exercise and workout you chose to begin with.  Plus, as my wife tells me, it allows us to have a break from the norm and gives us some quiet time.

Speaking of my wife, she is a doctor of nutrition. In our home, it is all organic, all natural foods. None of that processed stuff on our shelves.  If you have heard me speak at a conference or event, you know that I love my chocolate chip cookies, frozen pizzas, and sugary cereals.  Yet, I can also tell you that I feel so much better when I cut out that junk food, and instead eat healthy.  According to the other doctor in my house, my wife reassures me that when I eat the foods I enjoy eating, it leads to lack of energy and a crash in my mood.  So, I have learned to reduce my sugar intake, eat a great and healthy breakfast, drink up to 8 glasses of water a day, plus follow a regular healthy diet.  Make no mistake, this has helped me immensely, and is a strong contributor to treating burn out.

As a foster parent, you are probably asked when you sleep.  We both know that finding sleep when you care for children in foster care and in need in your own home can be a challenge at times.  When we are burned out, we may have trouble sleeping, or we may even sleep too much, as we feel like we just can’t get out of bed or make it through the day.  Getting a good night’s sleep is essential to our health, our well-being, our productivity, and of course to helping treat burn out.  

Next month, we shall have three more things that you MUST do in order to care for yourself, so you can care for children in need.
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-Dr. John

Want MORE about this? Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting." 
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.

I once spoke to Julie, a foster parent, who had suffered great trauma and abuse herself as a child. As tears rolled freely down her face, Julie told me that she had been raped several times by her older cousin when she was between the ages of 7 and 9. She came from a family that did not discuss such things, and when she tried to approach members of the family, it was swept under the carpet. She never was able to find the therapy or help she needed. Years later, when Julie was a foster parent, a young girl was placed into her home, a young girl who had been raped by a member of her family. As this foster mother cared for the little one in her home, Julie’s own trauma from her personal history resurfaced, triggering feelings and pain she had tried to forget and never really addressed.

Perhaps you are like Julie in some way. Perhaps you have experienced a traumatic event in your life or have suffered from personal loss. When you care for others who have experienced similar trauma to your own, your own past experience might be triggered, making you more at risk for internalizing the trauma of the child you are looking after.
 
Our Our Personal Trauma.  It is one reason for Compassion Fatigue.  A very real condition for foster parents and caregivers is Compassion Fatigue, also known as Secondary Traumatic Stress, or STS. Dr. Charles Figley states that Secondary Traumatic Stress is “the natural consequent behaviors resulting from knowledge about a traumatizing event experience by a significant other. It is the stress resulting from helping or wanting to help a traumatized or suffering person.” As foster parents, we are likely to experience some sort of emotional or physical response to the variety of stresses and anxieties when we care for those who have suffered from abuse, neglect, and trauma. Indeed, we are often at risk of STS, or Compassion Fatigue, as we not only work with children who have suffered trauma and anxiety, but live with these children 24 hours a day. It should come as no surprise to what one study found. According to a recent study by the University of Bristol’s Hadley Centre for Adoption and Foster Care, Compassion Fatigue is a condition that is widespread among today’s foster parents. There are other reasons why we, as foster parents, are at particular risk for Compassion Fatigue.

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Lack of Recovery Time
There is no mistaking the fact that there are not enough foster parents, certainly not enough to care for the increasing number of children being placed into foster care. That’s why foster parents, just like you, are taking in more and more children into our homes. When one child leaves our home and family, for whatever reason that might be, we often quickly get a phone call, asking if we can take another placement and another child, leaving us little time to breathe, to recover, and to grieve, if need be.

When we do this, we do not allow ourselves the time to recover. We do not allow ourselves the opportunity to distance ourselves so we can heal ourselves, and we are not allowed “time off” from an emotionally, mentally, and physically demanding lifestyle. Instead, we continue to care for children who are in such need of all that we have. We continue to listen to the horror stories these children have lived through, and we continue to hear, over and over again, similar stories form the children who come in and out of our homes. This not only wears you down and perhaps burns you out, but is also increase the risk for you of STS.

Empathy:
If you are like me, you feel for these children. You feel their pain, you feel their suffering. You take it on board, upon your shoulders and into your heart. My wife has told me countless times over the course of several years that she was not going to be a foster parent anymore due to the high level of grief and loss she feels when the children she has come to love leave our home. However, when the phone call comes, and she hears the story of a particular child who needs a home, she always says yes to the placement. She feels empathy for these children, just as you do. Yet as we feel for these children and their pain, we may over empathize or over identify with the children, and place ourselves at risk of internalizing their pain and trauma. I often do this myself.

As I write in the book The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Guide for Today's Foster Parents, you NEED to take care of yourself as a foster parent. You NEED to ensure that you are watching out for yourself, finding the time you need for you, and the help you need to care for not only the children in your home, but for yourself and your family. If you do not, all that you do will suffer.

​-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting." 
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.
 

I often hear, on a weekly basis, that my wife and I are saints for caring for children in need and opening up our homes and hearts to kids in foster care. In no way, and in no fashion, am I a saint, and I believe that foster parents from all over would echo that sentiment. We are not saints. We become tired, worn down, and exhausted. We have our own frustrations and disappointments. There are times when we succeed, and there are times when we experience failures. We are not the perfect parents. We are simply trying our best to provide a home and family for a child who needs one and help a child in need.

 Yet, the life of a foster parent is not always an easy one. In fact, it is OK to say that being a foster parent is hard.  It’s OK to say that sometimes you just feel like no understands what you are going through.

 Guess what. It’s even OK to say that sometimes, you simply want to stop, that you can’t do it any more, that you are just don’t want to be hurt again. 

Yes, foster parenting can be difficult. You see, I have been a foster parent for 15 years, now. Foster parenting, without a doubt, has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I cannot imagine a more difficult and challenging lifestyle. I have lived the life of a foster parent. I have had over 50 children come through my home. These children have been as young as 27 hours old and as old as 18 years of age. Some have stayed a day, while others have stayed up to two years. I have had up to 11 children in my home, and at one time had seven in diapers. To be sure, seven in diapers was one exhausting experience. I jokingly tell people that having seven in diapers at the same time should be illegal in all 50 states and every country. 

The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a daily, and sometimes hourly, basis. Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through. Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange and question why you do it.

You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained. There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child. The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with no time off. You will probably feel overworked and underappreciated. You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments. Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities. Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks. There is a reason why many people are not foster parents, as it is often too difficult. There have been those times where my heart has broken when a child left my home. There have been those moments when I have questioned whether or not I was making a difference. There have been those times when I have grown frustrated with the system, as I have had to stand by and watch some of the children in my home go back to environments and situations which I knew that were not healthy or safe.

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Yet, I would have it no other way.  Foster parenting has been a tremendous gift to me. And I bet it has for you, as well.

When we care for children in foster care and bring them into our homes and families, we help change their lives. Yet, at the same time, our lives are changed, as well, and they are changed for the better. I have become a much better person for each child that has come through my home. 

Perhaps you have the desire to help out children who suffer from abuse or neglect; maybe you feel compassion for children who face malnutrition or drug -related problems passed on from a mother’s addiction. Possibly, your heart goes out to those children who are rejected by those who were supposed to love them most. After all, you feel that every child deserves the right to be in a healthy and supportive home, and most importantly, every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. As a foster parent, you have the opportunity to help these children in need. When you foster a child, not only do you invest in the future and well-being of a child, you are also changing the life of that child.

To be sure, there have been those placements that have been more difficult and more challenging than others, placements that have left both my wife and I weary and exhausted. Sometimes, we may not be able to save a child from horrible and tragic experiences before they come to live with us. Yet, we are given the chance, as foster parents, to save them from experiencing other future horrors and taking them away from dangerous situations. Without a doubt, this is a joy itself. As a foster parent, indeed, as a parent, you are making a difference! You are saving a child from harm! It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care. There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.
-Dr. John

Order your signed copy of what is being called "The BEST Book Written About Foster Parenting." 
The Foster Care Survival Guide. Order your special copy HERE.