"My mommy is on tour with Taylor Swift!" is the response I once received from a child in foster care who didn't know the truth about why he couldn't live with his biological mother. As a therapist referred by the department of child protection for foster and kinship families, it was often my job to explain to children why they couldn't live with mom and dad. Having a therapist explain the truth sounds like a good idea until you learn that I worked with children who were in their 3rd or 4th foster homes due to behavior problems stemming from exposure to trauma, neglect, and abuse. How was it possible that I would be the first one telling the children the truth about why they could't live with their parents anymore? I saw this as a fundamental flaw in our system, but as a parent, I reluctantly understood how it happens.

Why We Don't Tell the Truth

Adults are afraid to be honest with children. We fear we will do more harm and increase
behavioral problems - potentially making our own lives more difficult. Lying or omitting the
truth to children is a protective measure that starts with good intentions and ends with dire
consequences. If a child is questioning their basic needs for safety, a home, and the love of a
parent, he will likely feel anxious, angry, and untrusting of adults. This constant state of hyper-
vigilance can impact the way his brain develops, causing long-term mental health disorders. A
child who is separated from a parent is exposed to adverse childhood experiences that could
manifest as symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) if the child does not receive
proper mental health care. Learning the truth about his life from you can be the first step toward
interrupting this dysfunction and allowing trust to build with a safe adult.
 
Being honest might initially seem counterintuitive, but the real truth is that children can handle
an age-appropriate level of the facts. According to Dr. Daniel J. Seigel in his book The Whole-
Brain Child, children who know the truth can regulate their emotions and integrate their
memories into a realistic narrative, and this helps them make sense of their world.

The Impact of Broken Trust

We know from the work of psychologist Dr. Erik Erickson that forming trust and attachment
with others is a critical component of healthy childhood development. If a child is neglected or
abused, his ability to trust others and the world is impaired. According to Fonagy- Luyten,
2009, the child's mistrust keeps him in a state of epistemic vigilance; or a high state of arousal
where he is continually scanning the environment for who he can trust. Prolonged states of
epistemic vigilance can lead to various mental and emotional disorders, typically observed in
children exposed to trauma. A child who feels unsafe in the world will usually display
challenging behavior at home or in school as a tool for survival. It might look like manipulative
behavior to an adult, but to a child, it is a defense mechanism to keep others at a distance so he
can feel a sense of control and safety in his life. 

How to Tell the Truth to a Child in Foster or Kinship Care 

I want to be clear that telling the truth does not mean the child needs to hear every detail about
the mistakes and problems in his parent's; lives. It is essential to be sensitive and use good
judgment when sharing information about why a child is in foster or kinship care. Being
confident, straight-forward, and matter-of-fact will go a long way. Young children can be
satisfied with a three-sentence explanation. All you need to provide is enough information to
quiet their restless minds about why they are not with mom and dad anymore. An initial
conversation with children as young as two and as old as eight can be a simple as the following,
and they will need to hear it several times before they absorb it completely.

"Your parents are unable to keep you safe, and kids need to be safe. It is my job now to keep you
safe. You will be safe with me."

This answer relieves the child of self-blame and also does not demean his parents. Staying
neutral about the biological parents at all times is vital because children can internalize any
negative messages they hear about them. They see themselves as a product of their biological
parents. Staying neutral is a way we can protect children from blaming and shaming themselves
for their parents' mistakes. 

With older children and teens, you can add on more information slowly, and as they seem ready.
At the beginning of the conversation, let the child know that he can stop, pause, fast-forward, or
rewind the story whenever he wants to. This approach will put him in the driver seat and also
build trust . 

The Other Truths Children in Care Need to Hear
 
2. "This is not your fault."
3. "I will do my best to be honest with you."

 
Children usually blame themselves for being removed from their parent's care. Explaining that
being in your custody is not their fault will help reframe their experience and improve their self-
worth. Lastly, sharing with the child that you will do your best to be honest with him, and
following through on that promise, will allow  trust and attachment  to build between you.

Improving trust and attachment will reduce anxiety and increase positive interactions amongst
family members. 

Knowing the truth about your life, no matter what your age, is a foundational requirement for
mental health. You have the opportunity to be an example of a trustworthy adult in a child's life.
Even if what you have to tell them initially hurts, be the one person they know they can trust.

-Beth Tyson
Beth W. Tyson is a psychotherapist and children's author whose tender-hearted book, A Grandfamily for Sullivan explores the challenges of family separation and kinship care. Sullivan's story is a therapeutic tool for children impacted by loss and trauma and opens the door to age-appropriate conversations about why a child can't live with his biological parents. A Grandfamily for Sullivan and additional mental health resources for foster and kinship families are available at www.bethtyson.com.
​Twitter: @author_tyson
Facebook: Author Beth Winkler Tyson
Instagram: @thekinshipcoach
Linked-In: Beth Winkler Tyson

        You know the familiar phrase. ’Tis the season to be jolly.   Not for the roughly half a million children in foster care in the United States.   It is often a time of great sadness and despair., a time of loneliness and of rejection.  For these children, it is a reminder of so much anxiety and trauma in their young lives.  Many foster children are faced with the realization that they will not be “home for the holidays,” so to speak, with their biological family members.   It is a reminder that they are separated from their parents and family.

        I have a question for you.  Do you remember waking up as a child on Christmas morning?   If you were like me, you couldn’t wait to get your parents up, and dash into the room where your Christmas tree was.   Wrapping paper flying, screams of joy and surprise, great food, family surrounding you; it was truly a magical day. I imagine you have fond memories of it.  I also imagine that you probably carry on some of the traditions you grew up with, and share them with your own children, or even your grandchildren.  For most of us, Christmas is a time of family, a time of joy, and a reminder of God’s love for each of us. It is also a time where we hope and pray for peace on Earth, good will to all men.

         For children in foster care, though, it is a very different experience.  When they wake up Christmas morning, and are surrounded by people who just may be strangers to them, strangers who are laughing and having fun, it can be a very difficult time for them, indeed.  To be sure, it is a day that is a stark reminder to these children that they are not with their own family.  It is during the holidays when families are supposed to be together, yet these children in care are not.  They are not with their families, and they may not know when they will see them next. 

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            More than likely, a  foster child will have feelings of sadness and grief, as he is separated from his own family during this time of family celebration.   After all, he is separated from his family during a time that is supposed to be centered AROUND family.  Quite simply, they want to go home, to live with their family members, despite the abuse and trauma they may have suffered from them, and despite all that you can and do offer and provide for him.  Therefore, this time of holiday joy is especially difficult. 

        I witnessed something like this recently. We had a child in our home, Andrew, who had come from a house of horrors, along with his two other siblings. His mother was a meth addict, his father was never in the picture, and his house had no electricity, no food, no water, no plumbing, no heat, nor no air Andrew was often full of rage, and was openly defiant at times, while at other times was considerate and well mannered.
 
        Four months after his arrival into our home, Christmas rolled over on the calendar. As we do for everybody in our house, we celebrated this Christmas in a large way. First, my wife and I woke all of the children in our home singing “Merry Christmas”. I was a little surprised when his older brother and sister told me that they didn’t know the words to a classic and familiar Christmas song. Later that morning, when a present with his name was placed in front of him, wrapped in colorful and festive wrapping paper, our foster son simply stared down at it, then to us, and then back to the present. “What is it?” he asked. With smiles on their faces, and laughter in their voices, our own children then encouraged him to open it up. Looking down at it with a confused look, Andrew simply said, “I don’t know how.”

        He didn’t know how. An eleven year old boy did not know how to open a present. Can you imagine? He had never had a present to open before. Not on Christmas, not on his birthday, not on a holiday. No one to tell him how special he was on the day he was born, and how much he mattered on the day that was supposed to be celebrated in his honor.

        So, how can you help this difficult time be more joyous? To begin with, foster parents can best help their foster child by spending some time and talking about the holiday. Let the foster child know how your family celebrates the holiday, what traditions your family celebrate, and include the child in it. Ask your foster child about some of the traditions that his family had, and try to include some of them into your own home during the holiday. This will help him not only feel more comfortable in your own home during this time, but also remind him that he is important, and that his birth family is important, as well. It is important to keep in mind that many foster children may come from a home where they did not celebrate a particular season, nor have any traditions in their own home. What might be common in your own home may be completely new and even strange to your foster child. This often includes religious meanings for the holiday you celebrate. Again, take time to discuss the meaning about your beliefs to your foster child beforehand.

        You can help him by allowing him to talk about his feelings during the holidays. Ask him how he is doing, and recognize that he may not be happy, nor enjoy this special time. Look for signs of depression, sadness, and other emotions related to these. Allow him space to privately grieve, if he needs to, and be prepared if he reverts back to some behavior difficulties he had when he first arrived into your home. After all, he is trying to cope with not being with his own family during this time when families get together. These feelings and these actions are normal, and should be expected. You can also help your foster child by sending some cards and/or small gifts and presents to their own parents and birth family members. A card or small gift to his family members can provide hope and healing for both child and parent, and help spread some of the holiday cheer that is supposed to be shared with all.

        This IS the season of giving, and we are all called to give unto others. With a little preparation beforehand from you, this season of joy can be a wonderful time for your foster child, one that may last in his memory for a life time, as well as in your memory, too.  After all, the gift of love is one that can be shared, not only during the holidays, but all year long, with the child, with the family, and with all we meet.  May you experience this joy and may you share it with others.
                                   -Dr. John

          Want MORE? Order your signed copy of the new book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families​​. Order your special copy HERE.

“Why so young?” Is the million dollar question I always get. Committing to be a father didn’t mean my life was over - it meant Life was finally starting to get better for me. Fatherhood gave me a purpose and it was at a time in my life I really couldn’t see what was ahead for me. While becoming a foster parent I definitely couldn’t predict the outcome would be Adoption.

If you thought adopting a child at 22 years old was out of the ordinary, throw in the fact that your child is Caucasian and you’re African American. Now, at the time, I didn’t understand how uncommon our situation was as a family. I must admit, before Jaxon came along my experience with white children was at a zero. I didn’t realize how much I needed to know about before caring for him.

Here’s the shortlist of what I didn’t prepare for:
1. Where to go for haircuts
2. What kind of foods he eat
3. Yes, I forgot sunscreen once or twice
4. Proper clothing (cultural wise)
5. And the fact that he would call me “Dad”

This list, among other things, is not something I anticipated when agreeing to take Jaxon into my home. I definitely had a lot to learn at the time and didn’t have a problem admitting it. Out of that list, the one thing that surprised me the most was Jaxon calling me Dad. Honestly, when he first said it I was extremely surprised. In that moment what I realize was that this child is about to change my life for the better. Jaxon is going to teach me so much more then his little heart knows. I would think to myself, “How can he just call me Dad without giving it a second thought?”, “Am I really deserving of this title that this child has bestowed on me?”, “Does he realize I’m Black?”. Here’s the truth, Jaxon didn’t care what I looked like, all he wanted was to have a consistent father in his life. He wanted someone to commit to take care of his needs as a child. For him to embrace me as his father and not feel embarrassed to call me, a black man, Dad spoke volumes. Sure, we would get looks when he would call me Dad in public it just didn’t matter to him.

Committing to being Jaxon’s father meant, to me at least, that every decision I made had to revolve around him and his well-being. We lived in a very urban area, personally I didn’t feel comfortable keeping him there in that environment. Me being a committed father, I felt we needed to move to a more diverse area with schools that presented better opportunities and resources, so that’s what I did. In addition it was important to me that Jaxon was able to see more people that looked like him on a regular basis.

Let’s face it, we will never avoid conversations about race outside our home but inside I’m thankful there are no issues. I actually don’t foresee any issues in the future. Why? My boys know they have a father that is committed to their character and well-being, not their skin.

“Get Connected, Stay Connected”

Barry Farmer grew up in Kinship Care with his grandmother from ages 5-18. For the last 15 years he's been devoted to working inside and outside the classroom with youth and their families.  Learn more about him at barryfarmer.com

 
 It is important to have your own support group while. This applies not only for your personal life, but also as a foster parents, as we have seen.   A support group of fellow foster parents will also help to strengthen your marriage, as well.  As you find strength and wisdom from your foster parent support group, whether in a local foster parent association, through an online social media group, or through both, you will find that some of your stress and anxieties that come from being a foster parent to a child in need will ease.  This will, no doubt, help your marriage, as well.
 
The Power Of Respite
As I write this, a few months back, my wife and I took our first real vacation together, with no children, in over 20 years.  Let me share that again with you.  We took our first real vacation, as a couple, just her and I, child free, in over 20 years.  While it was only for a week, it was an incredible rewarding and enjoyable time, as we were able to reconnect with friends of ours from Europe. Don’t you know that when you are in an international marriage like mine, you end up having friends from every part of the world?  Yes, a part of me didn’t want to come back home, as it was so refreshing, and a much needed break for the two of us.  We were able to do so in part to respite care.  

There are those times, of course, when foster families simply become exhausted, or “burned out,” if you will.  Perhaps the foster child has been in the home for an extended period of time, and the family has grown mentally, emotionally, and physically weary from care.  To be sure, this is a very real possibility, and is one that should not be ignored.  In order for the family to remain not only healthy foster parents, but a healthy family unit, they may merely need a break from care, an opportunity to “recharge their batteries,” and a chance to focus on their own family unit, lest it begin to suffer from exhaustion and lack of attention.  Respite may be the solution, as the child is placed into another foster home while the original foster family regains some of their strength, If your marriage is under duress, and you feel like you can’t continue much further, you might wish to consider this option.

​                          (Excerpt from The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Guide for Today's Foster Parents)

                               -Dr. John

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Love changes people and circumstances. If you doubt that, consider the first time
you heard, “I love you,” or “will you marry me,” or “I choose YOU.” The feeling of being loved and valued, even cherished, changes us. You might even say it completes us.

Conversely, feeling unloved and unwanted changes us too. The feeling of being
unloved may be the worst emotion a person can feel. It makes you feel empty, like a big part of you is missing. Actually, it is. Humans need love. We need to receive it, and just as importantly, we need to give it. When we feel loved, we feel safe enough to be our true selves. Our authentic personalities emerge, and we (and everyone within our influence) finds out that we’re actually pretty awesome in our own unique way.

When we are loved and feel safe enough to be ourselves, that’s when living gets really fun because we can step out and try to reach for our biggest, most audacious dreams. Being loved doesn’t eliminate the fear of failure, but it provides a safety net that even in the event that we fall short of achieving our big, bold goals, we’ll fall softly into
the presence of someone who loves us regardless of our accomplishments, someone who knows our faults and failures and loves us anyway, someone who consoles us and celebrates our willingness to reach for the stars regardless of results.

We all know that love is much more than mere words. In fact, we’ve nearly worn out the word, “love.” We love ice cream, we love our new job, we love where we live. In our language and culture, we use this same word to describe how we feel about the people we care most about. We love our families, our children, our best friends, and so on. Anyone who’s ever been betrayed by someone they loved will tell you that real love is much more than words.

When someone says that they love us, we check to see if their actions match their words before we believe them. We all know that when a person says they love us but then puts us down, talks badly about us to others, lies to us, betrays us, or otherwise mistreats us, we question the sincerely of their words. We know that those words that we all long to hear, spoken by a “bad actor” are meaningless. We also know that the person who is always there for us, treats us with respect, and shows their concern in a meaningful, measurable way may not ever say the actual words, “I love you,” but their actions communicate volumes.

It’s always nice to hear, “I love you,” but if those words are not backed up by well- intended actions, the words are empty. If given the choice to hear the words, unaccompanied by sincere acts of loving kindness, or receiving the acts of kindness and love without the spoken words, we’d always choose the actions. The words are important, but the loving actions are the substance that changes people and situations.

Love is more than words.

Starting today, let’s be the ones to show others how to put our love into action. Let’s start with those closest to us. Let’s decide not to assume that other people know how we feel about them. Let’s make the effort to show them. By being the first to back our words with acts of kindness, mercy, and love, we will be improving our lives, the lives of those within our influence, and we will be modeling for others how to do the same. In this way, putting our love in action can have a ripple effect—hopefully one that never ends.

This world is a crazy and sometimes painful place. You never know what someone is dealing with, or when your words or actions will give the encouragement needed to make it through the day. Never underestimate your influence in the lives of others.

The new book, Love Is Action— Change Your World With Love, is full of rich wisdom and practical tips that will lift your spirits, give you hope, and stir you into action. By the end of this book, you’ll have many new ideas for improving your world by living a life full of kindness, generosity, and love. Some of the simplest acts of inviting someone to join you in whatever you are doing, offering to help someone with whatever they are faced with, or asking the powerful question, “what do you hope to accomplish between now and the day you leave this life?”

Love is best expressed through actions, and sometimes the most powerful acts of love are found in the simplest of actions. Regardless of where you are in life, what you have, or who you know, if you will put your love into action as you read through this book, you will enrich your life in ways you might never have considered.

            You and I both know this to be true: being a foster parent can take a great deal of time and energy from you.  When you are looking after a child from foster care 24 hours a day, every day, every week, every month, it can be a time consumer and leave little time for you, and your spouse or partner.  At the same time, if you are like me, your marriage to your spouse is vitally important to you.  After all, you married your spouse for a reason right?  You wanted to spend the rest of your life with that person; the person who makes you laugh, who supports you in good times and bad, who cares for you, and who you love with all your heart.  Now, when you both agree to be foster parents, you will certainly make sacrifices in your life, as you surely well know. One of those sacrifices is that of the gift of time with your loved one. It can be easy to neglect a marriage when you are caring for a child in need and a child that demands all your attention.

         I am so very blessed, on so many levels, to be married to my wife, Dr. Kelly DeGarmo. She is the light of my life, and I am such a better person because of her.  I recognize that I married far up my position.  There is no doubt that I could never do all that I do without her support and her strength.  We both work hard to make our marriage as perfect as it can be, and we both work hard to support each other in all we do. 
​
        Every marriage and relationship need both partners to put work into it, if the relationship is to be a healthy one.  How does that happen?  Well it will be absolutely necessary that you spend some alone time with your partner as much as you can.  Yes, this can be hard, and it is something that my wife and I struggle with at times to do, as well.  Yet, there are ways to do this.  A great way to do that is to have a Date Night once a week, or once a month.  Go see a movie, go out to dinner, go shopping together.   If you are like my wife and I, and it is simply not possible, maybe a quick lunch together alone, on your back porch, some prayer and meditation time together, a walk around the neighborhood for just the two of you.  Just make sure you do something together that involves just you and your partner, with no children involved.  I am talking a Child Free Time, my friend.    This time alone is important, as you can share your concerns, desires, hopes, and wants, not only as a foster parent, but as a married couple.  It is important and it is essential that you have one on one time with your spouse, your partner, and your best friend, if you wish to make your marriage a healthy and strong one. If you do not, your marriage will suffer, and perhaps even come to an end.

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             Maria, a veteran foster parent, recently told me that she and her husband make time to have talk to each other every day.  The two do this late at night, sitting at the dining room table with some cups of coffee, after all the kids have gone to bed.  The two talk about the challenges before them, schedules and appointments, future plans, and the personal struggles they might be experiencing.

         Maria and her husband are right. Communication is so important to a strong marriage.  Many marriage experts will tell you that it is the key tool for a happy and successful marriage.  You and your spouse need to make sure that the lines of communication are freely and honestly open between the two of you.  Be honest with her about what is bothering you and bringing you stress. Tell him about the doubts or concerns you might be feeling and experiencing.  Share with your loved one what’s on your mind and in your heart.  If you are on the listening end, make sure you listen with an open mind, and with full attention.  If something is bothering you, share this concern with your loved one.  When your spouse is sharing their concerns with you, be sure to listen; simply listen. 

            So, when your spouse or partner come to you with a question, concern, or just wants to talk, turn the TV off, power down the computer, and put the phone on silent and in your pocket, look them in the eye and just listen.  This will go a long way in not only strengthen your marriage and relationship, but bring the two of you closer together. 

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​United and Together

            There will be those children who will test you and your spouse.  They want to see if the two of you are in agreement together on such things as bed time, homework, socializing with their friends, online devices and social media, and issues of discipline.  Yes, some children want to see if the two of you are together in your parenting, or if they can play one against the other. Therefore, it is important that the two of you are consistent with your parenting.  When it comes to issues of child rearing, discipline, and other issues that relate to our foster parenting, it is necessary that you and your spouse try to be in agreement with these issues.  Additionally, there will be those times when you need to recognize that the two of you can be flexible on some issues.

           Along with this, do not take your foster child’s behaviors personally.  Keep in mind that his behavior is a learned one, probably from the environment that he came from previously.  Your foster child is behaving the way he was taught and allowed before he came to live with you.  It will likely take some time and effort to change his misbehavior, poor habits, and disruptive manners.  Indeed, you may never be able to completely curb him from this type of negative behaviors.  Again, do not take this personally, as these learned traits may be deeply ingrained within him, and were reinforced by his previous home for a long period of time, even years.  Do not let his behaviors affect you and your marriage.  You were married before the child came to you, and your marriage should last after he leaves you.  The child is placed in your home for a temporary time. Hopefully, your marriage will last a life time.
 
                            (Excerpt from The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Guide for Today's Foster Parents)

                               -Dr. John

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You have permission.

It’s okay to say it’s hard.

It’s okay to say that sometimes you just feel like no understands what you are going through.

Guess what.  It’s even okay to say that sometimes, you simply want to stop, that you can’t do it any more, that you are just don’t want to be hurt again. 

Yes, foster parenting can be difficult.

You see, I have been a foster parent for 17 years, now.   Foster parenting, without a doubt, has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  I can not imagine a more difficult and challenging life style.
 I have lived the life of a foster parent.   I have had over 60 children come through my home.  These children have been as young as 27 hours old, and as old as 18 years of age.  Some have stayed a day, while others have stayed up to two years.  I have had up to 11 children in my home, and at one time had 7 in diapers. 

The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a  daily, and sometimes hourly basis.  Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through.  Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it  a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange, and question why you do it.

 You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained.  There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child.  The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off.    You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated.   You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments.  Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities.  Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks.  There is a reason why many people are not foster parents, as it is often too difficult.  

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There have been those times where my heart has broken when a child left my home.  There have been those moments when I have questioned whether or not I was making a difference.  There have been those times when I have grown frustrated with the system, as I have had to stand by and watch some of the children in my home go back to environments and situations which I knew that were not healthy or safe, for that matter.  To be sure, I have also watched my wife’s own doubts, and her desire to no longer foster, as her heart had been broken numerous times, as well, from the many children she had grown to love, only to see them return to homes where the children were once again placed in jeopardy. 
​
It is the same for so many foster parents who have shared their stories with me.  I have heard from foster parents who lose sleep each night for weeks and months on end, trying to calm and soothe a baby born addicted to crack, heroin, or meth.  I have heard from foster parents who have been yelled at on a daily basis from foster teens who are so emotionally upset by their own experiences that they take it out on their foster parents.  I have heard from those who have been told one day they could adopt their foster babies, only to be told another day that the baby would return instead to a biological family member the child had never met.  The stories are countless, the stories are heartbreaking, and the stories are never ending.  Surely, there is no earthly reason to be a foster parent.  So, why do we do it?  For many, like my wife Kelly, we are answering a call.

It is okay to say that it is hard.  It is okay to say that you can’t do it anymore.  It is okay to step away for awhile and take a break; say not to a placement; allow yourself time to recover and fill that cup back up again.

Yet, if you are like me, you continue to care for children because the need is so strong.  After all, there is a child in need, right now as you read this, who is in need of someone to say, “I care. I will take care of you.  I will love you.”

When we care for children in foster care, and bring them into our homes and families, we help to change their lives. Yet, at the same time, our lives are changed, as well; changed for the better.  I have become a much better person for each child that has come through my home.  

Do I sometimes want to say I can't do this anymore?  Yes, sometimes I do.  Yet, there is a child who needs me.  There is a child who will make me a better person at the same time, as well.   

-Dr. John

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Four simple ways to interact with your teen without being “extra”
 
Teens are an amazing, wonderful and strange species! Especially when it comes to connecting with them. One minute, they are full of laughter and want to hang out with you, the next minute, they’re in their rooms and you’ve suddenly become the enemy! Last week, they liked a certain video game or fashion design; this week, that design is “basic” (boring or simple) and the video game is dumb!
How in the world can we stay connected?  There are some fairly simple ways to do just that without being “extra”.  So, what does being “extra” mean? It’s a term used by young people to say that someone is trying too hard. Trying too hard to impress, to succeed, to be someone’s friend… basically anything.  It usually results in that person becoming annoying or looking dumb!
 
Here are four simple ways to connect with your teen without them realizing what you’re doing. Before I share them, I want to emphasize this: You are trying to reach out to THEM, not make them connect with YOU.  By that I mean, you enter their world to find out what it looks like, not drag them into yours. You need to be interested in what they’re interested in. You don’t have to like it or be into it, but in building that relationship you may have to endure hours of Anime and reading subtitles! Here, we go!
 
1. Become a detective: Find out what they are interested in. That can change by the minute, hour or week, literally. Spend some time just being observant; what are they watching, listening to, laughing at or wearing? Take note of hobbies, friends or things they mention frequently. Do this for about two weeks and jot down what you’ve noticed.
 
2. Make your move s-l-o-w-l-y:  The next time you see your teen participating in a certain activity slowly try to engage, particularly if you’ve not shown an interest in it before. If it’s a show, casually walk up and start watching the show with him. Start asking questions about the characters, animation or the plot. But here’s the key, don’t be “extra”! If you ask too many questions or stand there too long you might become an annoyance instead of an interested parent. Just remember K.I.S.S.:  Keep It Simple Sweetie.
 
Another tip in your efforts to relate; try to not be too hip or overuse their slang or terminology, especially out of context! So you don’t want to say “yo, I’m finna bounce. I gotta go make that lettuce. I’ll holla atchou lata!”. Adult Translation: “I’m going to work. I’ll talk to you later.” That would be extra! and that’s not what we’re going for.
 
3. Do your homework: Now that you’ve done your detective work, pick one of your observations/subjects and do your homework. Thank God for Google! It has saved me from looking like a total idiot in front of some of the teens I’ve fostered and worked with! 
 
Use your favorite search engine and research the heck out of your subject! For example, if your teen likes anime and you noticed there is a certain show he watches or book he reads, find out who wrote it, who created the graphics, and what the show is all about. The next time your young person is watching the show, you might say, “I thought your show was interesting, so I looked it up. It has a pretty cool story”.  Or if it’s sports, you might say “Hey, I heard their best scorer retired.  How do you think that will that affect the team?”
 
Seems pretty simple right? It’s all about letting them know you care about what they care about. Be consistent in your interest without… you know… being extra.
 
4. Admire and Appreciate- Admire their skills, talents and abilities, even if it’s their super awesome skills in playing Fortnite (video game) or the guitar. Appreciate their creativity or the focus of their attention. You might make mention of the details in the animation in his anime show, recognize the accomplishments of her team, or ask about that fashion designer. You might even ask them to teach you how to play their video game. Let them do the talking while you do the listening and learning. Even if you become knowledgeable on their topic, you remain the pupil and your teen the expert.
 
Ok, the process may not be as quick and easy as it seems in this article, but if you are patient, if you K.I.S.S and Connect Four, you will be well on your way to a great and interesting relationship. Let the journey begin! They are worth it.

-Lesia Knudsen

Lesia is an author, speaker and resource parent for teens only. She is  a coach for resource parents of teens, and for youth in foster care. Lesia is the author of Life in the Foster Lane; Practical Insights on Fostering Teens, and creator of “Loving, Understanding, and Fostering Teens”, a teen specific webinar designed to equip new and seasoned resource parents with tools to confidently foster teens. Lesia’s mission and passion is to eliminate the stigma and fear of the teen in foster care, and to empower resource parents to foster youth in a safe, loving and understanding environment.
To learn more about Lesia, visit: Lesiaknudsen.com

lesia Knudsen