Love changes people and circumstances. If you doubt that, consider the first time
you heard, “I love you,” or “will you marry me,” or “I choose YOU.” The feeling of being loved and valued, even cherished, changes us. You might even say it completes us.

Conversely, feeling unloved and unwanted changes us too. The feeling of being
unloved may be the worst emotion a person can feel. It makes you feel empty, like a big part of you is missing. Actually, it is. Humans need love. We need to receive it, and just as importantly, we need to give it. When we feel loved, we feel safe enough to be our true selves. Our authentic personalities emerge, and we (and everyone within our influence) finds out that we’re actually pretty awesome in our own unique way.

When we are loved and feel safe enough to be ourselves, that’s when living gets really fun because we can step out and try to reach for our biggest, most audacious dreams. Being loved doesn’t eliminate the fear of failure, but it provides a safety net that even in the event that we fall short of achieving our big, bold goals, we’ll fall softly into
the presence of someone who loves us regardless of our accomplishments, someone who knows our faults and failures and loves us anyway, someone who consoles us and celebrates our willingness to reach for the stars regardless of results.

We all know that love is much more than mere words. In fact, we’ve nearly worn out the word, “love.” We love ice cream, we love our new job, we love where we live. In our language and culture, we use this same word to describe how we feel about the people we care most about. We love our families, our children, our best friends, and so on. Anyone who’s ever been betrayed by someone they loved will tell you that real love is much more than words.

When someone says that they love us, we check to see if their actions match their words before we believe them. We all know that when a person says they love us but then puts us down, talks badly about us to others, lies to us, betrays us, or otherwise mistreats us, we question the sincerely of their words. We know that those words that we all long to hear, spoken by a “bad actor” are meaningless. We also know that the person who is always there for us, treats us with respect, and shows their concern in a meaningful, measurable way may not ever say the actual words, “I love you,” but their actions communicate volumes.

It’s always nice to hear, “I love you,” but if those words are not backed up by well- intended actions, the words are empty. If given the choice to hear the words, unaccompanied by sincere acts of loving kindness, or receiving the acts of kindness and love without the spoken words, we’d always choose the actions. The words are important, but the loving actions are the substance that changes people and situations.

Love is more than words.

Starting today, let’s be the ones to show others how to put our love into action. Let’s start with those closest to us. Let’s decide not to assume that other people know how we feel about them. Let’s make the effort to show them. By being the first to back our words with acts of kindness, mercy, and love, we will be improving our lives, the lives of those within our influence, and we will be modeling for others how to do the same. In this way, putting our love in action can have a ripple effect—hopefully one that never ends.

This world is a crazy and sometimes painful place. You never know what someone is dealing with, or when your words or actions will give the encouragement needed to make it through the day. Never underestimate your influence in the lives of others.

The new book, Love Is Action— Change Your World With Love, is full of rich wisdom and practical tips that will lift your spirits, give you hope, and stir you into action. By the end of this book, you’ll have many new ideas for improving your world by living a life full of kindness, generosity, and love. Some of the simplest acts of inviting someone to join you in whatever you are doing, offering to help someone with whatever they are faced with, or asking the powerful question, “what do you hope to accomplish between now and the day you leave this life?”

Love is best expressed through actions, and sometimes the most powerful acts of love are found in the simplest of actions. Regardless of where you are in life, what you have, or who you know, if you will put your love into action as you read through this book, you will enrich your life in ways you might never have considered.

            You and I both know this to be true: being a foster parent can take a great deal of time and energy from you.  When you are looking after a child from foster care 24 hours a day, every day, every week, every month, it can be a time consumer and leave little time for you, and your spouse or partner.  At the same time, if you are like me, your marriage to your spouse is vitally important to you.  After all, you married your spouse for a reason right?  You wanted to spend the rest of your life with that person; the person who makes you laugh, who supports you in good times and bad, who cares for you, and who you love with all your heart.  Now, when you both agree to be foster parents, you will certainly make sacrifices in your life, as you surely well know. One of those sacrifices is that of the gift of time with your loved one. It can be easy to neglect a marriage when you are caring for a child in need and a child that demands all your attention.

         I am so very blessed, on so many levels, to be married to my wife, Dr. Kelly DeGarmo. She is the light of my life, and I am such a better person because of her.  I recognize that I married far up my position.  There is no doubt that I could never do all that I do without her support and her strength.  We both work hard to make our marriage as perfect as it can be, and we both work hard to support each other in all we do. 
​
        Every marriage and relationship need both partners to put work into it, if the relationship is to be a healthy one.  How does that happen?  Well it will be absolutely necessary that you spend some alone time with your partner as much as you can.  Yes, this can be hard, and it is something that my wife and I struggle with at times to do, as well.  Yet, there are ways to do this.  A great way to do that is to have a Date Night once a week, or once a month.  Go see a movie, go out to dinner, go shopping together.   If you are like my wife and I, and it is simply not possible, maybe a quick lunch together alone, on your back porch, some prayer and meditation time together, a walk around the neighborhood for just the two of you.  Just make sure you do something together that involves just you and your partner, with no children involved.  I am talking a Child Free Time, my friend.    This time alone is important, as you can share your concerns, desires, hopes, and wants, not only as a foster parent, but as a married couple.  It is important and it is essential that you have one on one time with your spouse, your partner, and your best friend, if you wish to make your marriage a healthy and strong one. If you do not, your marriage will suffer, and perhaps even come to an end.

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             Maria, a veteran foster parent, recently told me that she and her husband make time to have talk to each other every day.  The two do this late at night, sitting at the dining room table with some cups of coffee, after all the kids have gone to bed.  The two talk about the challenges before them, schedules and appointments, future plans, and the personal struggles they might be experiencing.

         Maria and her husband are right. Communication is so important to a strong marriage.  Many marriage experts will tell you that it is the key tool for a happy and successful marriage.  You and your spouse need to make sure that the lines of communication are freely and honestly open between the two of you.  Be honest with her about what is bothering you and bringing you stress. Tell him about the doubts or concerns you might be feeling and experiencing.  Share with your loved one what’s on your mind and in your heart.  If you are on the listening end, make sure you listen with an open mind, and with full attention.  If something is bothering you, share this concern with your loved one.  When your spouse is sharing their concerns with you, be sure to listen; simply listen. 

            So, when your spouse or partner come to you with a question, concern, or just wants to talk, turn the TV off, power down the computer, and put the phone on silent and in your pocket, look them in the eye and just listen.  This will go a long way in not only strengthen your marriage and relationship, but bring the two of you closer together. 

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​United and Together

            There will be those children who will test you and your spouse.  They want to see if the two of you are in agreement together on such things as bed time, homework, socializing with their friends, online devices and social media, and issues of discipline.  Yes, some children want to see if the two of you are together in your parenting, or if they can play one against the other. Therefore, it is important that the two of you are consistent with your parenting.  When it comes to issues of child rearing, discipline, and other issues that relate to our foster parenting, it is necessary that you and your spouse try to be in agreement with these issues.  Additionally, there will be those times when you need to recognize that the two of you can be flexible on some issues.

           Along with this, do not take your foster child’s behaviors personally.  Keep in mind that his behavior is a learned one, probably from the environment that he came from previously.  Your foster child is behaving the way he was taught and allowed before he came to live with you.  It will likely take some time and effort to change his misbehavior, poor habits, and disruptive manners.  Indeed, you may never be able to completely curb him from this type of negative behaviors.  Again, do not take this personally, as these learned traits may be deeply ingrained within him, and were reinforced by his previous home for a long period of time, even years.  Do not let his behaviors affect you and your marriage.  You were married before the child came to you, and your marriage should last after he leaves you.  The child is placed in your home for a temporary time. Hopefully, your marriage will last a life time.
 
                            (Excerpt from The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Guide for Today's Foster Parents)

                               -Dr. John

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You have permission.

It’s okay to say it’s hard.

It’s okay to say that sometimes you just feel like no understands what you are going through.

Guess what.  It’s even okay to say that sometimes, you simply want to stop, that you can’t do it any more, that you are just don’t want to be hurt again. 

Yes, foster parenting can be difficult.

You see, I have been a foster parent for 17 years, now.   Foster parenting, without a doubt, has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  I can not imagine a more difficult and challenging life style.
 I have lived the life of a foster parent.   I have had over 60 children come through my home.  These children have been as young as 27 hours old, and as old as 18 years of age.  Some have stayed a day, while others have stayed up to two years.  I have had up to 11 children in my home, and at one time had 7 in diapers. 

The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a  daily, and sometimes hourly basis.  Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through.  Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it  a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange, and question why you do it.

 You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained.  There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child.  The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off.    You will probably feel overworked and under appreciated.   You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments.  Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities.  Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks.  There is a reason why many people are not foster parents, as it is often too difficult.  

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There have been those times where my heart has broken when a child left my home.  There have been those moments when I have questioned whether or not I was making a difference.  There have been those times when I have grown frustrated with the system, as I have had to stand by and watch some of the children in my home go back to environments and situations which I knew that were not healthy or safe, for that matter.  To be sure, I have also watched my wife’s own doubts, and her desire to no longer foster, as her heart had been broken numerous times, as well, from the many children she had grown to love, only to see them return to homes where the children were once again placed in jeopardy. 
​
It is the same for so many foster parents who have shared their stories with me.  I have heard from foster parents who lose sleep each night for weeks and months on end, trying to calm and soothe a baby born addicted to crack, heroin, or meth.  I have heard from foster parents who have been yelled at on a daily basis from foster teens who are so emotionally upset by their own experiences that they take it out on their foster parents.  I have heard from those who have been told one day they could adopt their foster babies, only to be told another day that the baby would return instead to a biological family member the child had never met.  The stories are countless, the stories are heartbreaking, and the stories are never ending.  Surely, there is no earthly reason to be a foster parent.  So, why do we do it?  For many, like my wife Kelly, we are answering a call.

It is okay to say that it is hard.  It is okay to say that you can’t do it anymore.  It is okay to step away for awhile and take a break; say not to a placement; allow yourself time to recover and fill that cup back up again.

Yet, if you are like me, you continue to care for children because the need is so strong.  After all, there is a child in need, right now as you read this, who is in need of someone to say, “I care. I will take care of you.  I will love you.”

When we care for children in foster care, and bring them into our homes and families, we help to change their lives. Yet, at the same time, our lives are changed, as well; changed for the better.  I have become a much better person for each child that has come through my home.  

Do I sometimes want to say I can't do this anymore?  Yes, sometimes I do.  Yet, there is a child who needs me.  There is a child who will make me a better person at the same time, as well.   

-Dr. John

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Four simple ways to interact with your teen without being “extra”
 
Teens are an amazing, wonderful and strange species! Especially when it comes to connecting with them. One minute, they are full of laughter and want to hang out with you, the next minute, they’re in their rooms and you’ve suddenly become the enemy! Last week, they liked a certain video game or fashion design; this week, that design is “basic” (boring or simple) and the video game is dumb!
How in the world can we stay connected?  There are some fairly simple ways to do just that without being “extra”.  So, what does being “extra” mean? It’s a term used by young people to say that someone is trying too hard. Trying too hard to impress, to succeed, to be someone’s friend… basically anything.  It usually results in that person becoming annoying or looking dumb!
 
Here are four simple ways to connect with your teen without them realizing what you’re doing. Before I share them, I want to emphasize this: You are trying to reach out to THEM, not make them connect with YOU.  By that I mean, you enter their world to find out what it looks like, not drag them into yours. You need to be interested in what they’re interested in. You don’t have to like it or be into it, but in building that relationship you may have to endure hours of Anime and reading subtitles! Here, we go!
 
1. Become a detective: Find out what they are interested in. That can change by the minute, hour or week, literally. Spend some time just being observant; what are they watching, listening to, laughing at or wearing? Take note of hobbies, friends or things they mention frequently. Do this for about two weeks and jot down what you’ve noticed.
 
2. Make your move s-l-o-w-l-y:  The next time you see your teen participating in a certain activity slowly try to engage, particularly if you’ve not shown an interest in it before. If it’s a show, casually walk up and start watching the show with him. Start asking questions about the characters, animation or the plot. But here’s the key, don’t be “extra”! If you ask too many questions or stand there too long you might become an annoyance instead of an interested parent. Just remember K.I.S.S.:  Keep It Simple Sweetie.
 
Another tip in your efforts to relate; try to not be too hip or overuse their slang or terminology, especially out of context! So you don’t want to say “yo, I’m finna bounce. I gotta go make that lettuce. I’ll holla atchou lata!”. Adult Translation: “I’m going to work. I’ll talk to you later.” That would be extra! and that’s not what we’re going for.
 
3. Do your homework: Now that you’ve done your detective work, pick one of your observations/subjects and do your homework. Thank God for Google! It has saved me from looking like a total idiot in front of some of the teens I’ve fostered and worked with! 
 
Use your favorite search engine and research the heck out of your subject! For example, if your teen likes anime and you noticed there is a certain show he watches or book he reads, find out who wrote it, who created the graphics, and what the show is all about. The next time your young person is watching the show, you might say, “I thought your show was interesting, so I looked it up. It has a pretty cool story”.  Or if it’s sports, you might say “Hey, I heard their best scorer retired.  How do you think that will that affect the team?”
 
Seems pretty simple right? It’s all about letting them know you care about what they care about. Be consistent in your interest without… you know… being extra.
 
4. Admire and Appreciate- Admire their skills, talents and abilities, even if it’s their super awesome skills in playing Fortnite (video game) or the guitar. Appreciate their creativity or the focus of their attention. You might make mention of the details in the animation in his anime show, recognize the accomplishments of her team, or ask about that fashion designer. You might even ask them to teach you how to play their video game. Let them do the talking while you do the listening and learning. Even if you become knowledgeable on their topic, you remain the pupil and your teen the expert.
 
Ok, the process may not be as quick and easy as it seems in this article, but if you are patient, if you K.I.S.S and Connect Four, you will be well on your way to a great and interesting relationship. Let the journey begin! They are worth it.

-Lesia Knudsen

Lesia is an author, speaker and resource parent for teens only. She is  a coach for resource parents of teens, and for youth in foster care. Lesia is the author of Life in the Foster Lane; Practical Insights on Fostering Teens, and creator of “Loving, Understanding, and Fostering Teens”, a teen specific webinar designed to equip new and seasoned resource parents with tools to confidently foster teens. Lesia’s mission and passion is to eliminate the stigma and fear of the teen in foster care, and to empower resource parents to foster youth in a safe, loving and understanding environment.
To learn more about Lesia, visit: Lesiaknudsen.com

lesia Knudsen

​        It was a very difficult, almost impossible, word for "The Fonz" to say on the classic TV show "Happy Days."

        Maybe, it is a very difficult, almost impossible, word for you to say at times.

       The word “No” has been a difficult one for me as a foster parent whenever we got “the call” for a placement of another child.
​
    Indeed, for my first 14 years as a foster parent, I felt guilt whenever we had to tell a case worker that we were unable to care for the child that needed a home, at that very moment.  I have had to say no on a few occasions over the year, and would be saddled with guilt for a time afterwards.    With the lack of foster homes in the area I live in, along with the increase in the number of children being placed into care, my wife and I have taken in child after child, signing waiver after waiver.  A few years ago, we had 11 children in the house. Two years ago, we had 9.  This time last year, we had 8 children.   Yes, we were running on fumes; exhausted each day from the many emotional needs and challenges the children brought into our home and into our families.  Make no mistake; we loved what we were doing, and we felt called to do so.

                Yet, we were tired.  We needed a break.

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          Soon after this, a rather strange thing happened.  Four of the children in our home went off to college. We had been caring for some older youth, all seniors in high school, who had nowhere else to stay, no one to care for them.  It had been a rough 12 months, yet it had also been an adventurous one, as well.  And then, within a matter of days, the four older ones in our home were off on their own adventure.  While we still call them, visit them, and love them, they are starting exciting new chapters in their lives, and we shall continue to support them in so many ways.  What I found, though, was an exciting adventure was about to start for my wife and I.

             For the first time, in 15 years, we only had 4 children in the home; a biological son and three children we had adopted from foster care.   We found the house much quieter, much more peaceful, and we embraced it.  The past few weeks have been as if we were on vacation; as if we were on respite care. (I can only imagine that this what having an "empty nest" felt like.)  It has been a time to re-charge those batteries, reconnect with each other, and reconnect with our children.  It has been a time where we could find rest, for you see, we had reached a stage bordering on being burned out.

            More importantly, it has reminded me that foster parents do indeed need rest from time to time.  Indeed, foster parents DO need rest and a time of reprieve, every now and then. 

“How has your life changed while being a foster parent?”

It was a question I had been asked a great deal of late.  Recently, I had been doing the rounds of radio and TV interviews while promoting my newest book,The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families.
  Like most people, many of the radio and TV 
hosts had very little knowledge of what being a foster parent is really about.  I would imagine many of your own friends and family members don’t really understand what you do, either.   Additionally, they likely do not understand how your life has changed.

                I have said it many times, in many places; foster parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. It IS hard work.  At the same time, it is also Heart Work.  It is the most important job I have done, as well.  I have been able to watch the lives of over 60 children change while living in my home.

                Yet, my life has changed, also, in so many ways, in so many areas.  Of the 60 plus children that has come to my home, come to live with my family, each has made me a better person and has made an impact on my life in some way.
​
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                I have learned to love deeper, more openly, and without abandon.  I have learned to love each child that comes into my home in an unconditional manner, and without reservations.  I am no longer ashamed to tell people that I love them.  I cry openly now, and am no longer embarrassed when it happens.  The saying that “real men don’t cry” is rubbish to me.  I have become an emotional cripple in that manner, yet in a healthy way.  In a way that I embrace.

                Foster parenting has created a sense of urgency within me to make a difference in the lives of those in need.  Perhaps it is due to the children’s horror stories that I have been witness to, and have watched come through my home.   I now am able to see the pain and suffering in others, and am better equipped to help them.  To be sure,  I have always been one that has wanted to help others, but since I have become a foster parent to children who have suffered from abuse, from neglect, and from being abandoned, all by those who profess to love them the most-their birth family members, I have felt compelled to help even more. 

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    I have learned to forgive more.  Love and forgiveness are two actions that are intertwined, and cannot be separated. If we truly love others, then we need to forgive, as well. Without forgiveness, there is no love.  When I was angry towards our foster teen’s mother, I was in no way sharing  love. Instead, my stomach was in knots, and I was one tense parent.  I was shackled by my own inability to forgive someone, a prisoner to a debilitating emotion.  Yet, when I did forgive her, it felt like a weight was taken off my own shoulders. One of the amazing things about the act of forgiving others is that it allows us better use our energies towards something that is more constructive, more positive.  Forgiveness frees us from the forces of hate and evil, and instead allows us to draw closer to others, and gives us more strength to do the work we are called to do.  When we forgive the actions of our foster child’s birth parents, not only are we showing love to them, and empowering ourselves, we are also honoring our foster children. 

          Foster parenting has transformed me into becoming a better parent to my own children, husband to my wife, and citizen to my community and the world.  For each child that has come through my home, I give thanks.  For each child that has allowed my family to grow, you will always be part of my family.  For each child that spent time in the foster care system while living with my family, I shall always love you.

    To my fellow foster parents, thank you for what you do. Thank you for making sacrifices in your own life to care for those in need. Thank you for loving children without abandon, and as family. Thank you for changing the lives of those in need.  May your own lives be changed, as well.
 
-Dr. John

Order your copy of the New book The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom: 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families. Order your signed copy HERE.