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Yes, Foster Parenting is Hard. Yes, Foster Parenting is Rewarding!

7/30/2018

1 Comment

 
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I often hear, on a weekly basis, that my wife and I are saints for caring for children in need and opening up our homes and hearts to kids in foster care. In no way, and in no fashion, am I a saint, and I believe that foster parents from all over would echo that sentiment. We are not saints. We become tired, worn down, and exhausted. We have our own frustrations and disappointments. There are times when we succeed, and there are times when we experience failures. We are not the perfect parents. We are simply trying our best to provide a home and family for a child who needs one and help a child in need.

 Yet, the life of a foster parent is not always an easy one. In fact, it is OK to say that being a foster parent is hard.  It’s OK to say that sometimes you just feel like no understands what you are going through.

 Guess what. It’s even OK to say that sometimes, you simply want to stop, that you can’t do it any more, that you are just don’t want to be hurt again. 

Yes, foster parenting can be difficult. You see, I have been a foster parent for 15 years, now. Foster parenting, without a doubt, has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I cannot imagine a more difficult and challenging lifestyle. I have lived the life of a foster parent. I have had over 50 children come through my home. These children have been as young as 27 hours old and as old as 18 years of age. Some have stayed a day, while others have stayed up to two years. I have had up to 11 children in my home, and at one time had seven in diapers. To be sure, seven in diapers was one exhausting experience. I jokingly tell people that having seven in diapers at the same time should be illegal in all 50 states and every country. 

The outside world does not see the many challenges and struggles you may face on a daily, and sometimes hourly, basis. Your friends and family don’t truly understand or appreciate what you are going through. Others see the children coming in and out of your home on a regular basis, and most find it a wonderful thing you are doing, but also may find it a little odd or strange and question why you do it.

You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained. There is very little money available to help you, and you may not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child. The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with no time off. You will probably feel overworked and underappreciated. You will work with children who are most likely coming from difficult and harmful environments. Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities. Many times, the children you work with will try your patience, and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks. There is a reason why many people are not foster parents, as it is often too difficult. There have been those times where my heart has broken when a child left my home. There have been those moments when I have questioned whether or not I was making a difference. There have been those times when I have grown frustrated with the system, as I have had to stand by and watch some of the children in my home go back to environments and situations which I knew that were not healthy or safe.


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Yet, I would have it no other way.  Foster parenting has been a tremendous gift to me. And I bet it has for you, as well.

When we care for children in foster care and bring them into our homes and families, we help change their lives. Yet, at the same time, our lives are changed, as well, and they are changed for the better. I have become a much better person for each child that has come through my home. 

Perhaps you have the desire to help out children who suffer from abuse or neglect; maybe you feel compassion for children who face malnutrition or drug -related problems passed on from a mother’s addiction. Possibly, your heart goes out to those children who are rejected by those who were supposed to love them most. After all, you feel that every child deserves the right to be in a healthy and supportive home, and most importantly, every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. As a foster parent, you have the opportunity to help these children in need. When you foster a child, not only do you invest in the future and well-being of a child, you are also changing the life of that child.

To be sure, there have been those placements that have been more difficult and more challenging than others, placements that have left both my wife and I weary and exhausted. Sometimes, we may not be able to save a child from horrible and tragic experiences before they come to live with us. Yet, we are given the chance, as foster parents, to save them from experiencing other future horrors and taking them away from dangerous situations. Without a doubt, this is a joy itself. As a foster parent, indeed, as a parent, you are making a difference! You are saving a child from harm! It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care. There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help.

-Dr. John

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Letting Our Children "Cocoon"-Guest Post by Connie Going

7/24/2018

4 Comments

 
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Everyday our world moves at warp speed as we run to work, sprint to the grocery store, and juggle our children’s activities. We try to  wake a few minutes early, work an hour later than normal and then try hard to stay awake a little longer with the purpose of squeezing a few more things in each day. When sleep comes often as parents we do not even get a full solid nights sleep… babies need feeding and changing and children who have experienced trauma in Foster Care often don’t sleep well.

Think about those children we have chosen to nurture and unconditionally care for through Foster Care and Adoption.They have experienced loss and trauma in ways we will never know. I think about both of my sons whom I adopted as teenagers and who survived a lifetime of neglect and abuse with an average of 40 or more placements before coming to my home. It was through them that I learned one of the things our children need most, time to just “cocoon”.

We all know the drill. A child is placed in our home and we immediately jump to attention. Enroll and start school, schedule and follow through with a primary doctor and dentist. Not to mention all the therapies needed to meet the needs of children who have had such a rough start and time in life. We get it done often the first day or two the child comes into our home. To fail at quick follow through would be to have the system frown on our ability to care for our children and hold us liable. These items argumentatively must be done. But is it possible to provide all this and  time for adjustment and calming too ?

What I have learned through my children is that they need more than just the check boxes designed by the system. Life for them has been chaotic full of constant deprivation.Fight or Flight rules their life. When my first son came to my home from a disrupted adoption, there was a delay is starting school as his records were not transferred from the other state. I took off work and we spent the days (and nights) talking, making his bedroom his own and watching old TV series as a family. Having had his food locked up for a long time we purchased a big rubber box and decorated it, then shopped to fill it with everything he felt he wanted. My son slept with that box in his bed for over 4 months! I took time to really find out the needs he could express, guessing at the rest. Even though he was 12, he was still that 6 year old little boy who was afraid of that dark ( who I discovered was locked in his room for hours on end with no lights) When his school records came after two weeks, emotionally he was much more prepared to start a new middle school than he would have been if it had happened the day after he arrived.

My oldest son came to me at age 17 after spending his entire life in foster care. The year before asking me to adopt him and coming to live with me was a tumultuous year for him. Four different highs school and a publicized adoption disruption from another state had done a number on his self esteem and he was wounded. He  needed to get off his rollercoaster. He was so busy trying to prove himself he struggled to even know who he was anymore.My heart broke as I watched him try to attend the local High School with his siblings. Every morning was a struggle of arguing, anxiety and nerves. Next we tried a homebound program, but he was over it all. As a parent it was easy to get caught up in my own reflection of his not going to school. I had to self talk and get to the point I accepted it wasn’t a reflection of my failure as a  parent, but rather a better understanding of his needs.

So  my son began his “Cocooning”. His room became his safe sanctuary and he loved being in there, watching Anime and playing games for hours. Food in my home is unrestricted so he could sleep and eat at his own discretion. Family time with games and movies were his choice to participate, and although we always asked him,we never forced him or made him feel obligated. As time went by I watched his brain begin to settle, he came out for longer periods and actually completed games with us. In the beginning he would never join our family discussions about life events, politics, and social injustice. Now he initiates these discussions and presents solid arguments. He is happy, he laughs and smiles more than ever. He graduated High school this year, from a school that allowed him to attend afternoons and still have a job. In three years he has done it all his way, but more so when he is feeling overwhelmed and stressed, he comes home, goes to his room and cocoons for a while. I don’t worry because I understand the other side of coming out of a cocoon is a beautiful and fulfilling life.

What I wonder is how can we allow the children coming into our homes the time and place to “cocoon”?

Connie Going is a certified Adoption Expert and a nationally renowned advocate, speaker and educator. She is also CEO and co-founder of The Adoption Advocacy Center, a non-profit agency that supports and educates adoptive families, waiting children and birth families.  Learn more Connie at ConnieGoing.com 


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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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