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10 Reasons Why I am Thankful as a Foster Parent

10/28/2016

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​It seems that as I grow older, I become more and more appreciative and more grateful for all the blessings in my life. I imagine that is simply a progression of age, and simply shows that I am getting older.   Yet, it is during this month of Thanksgiving in our home where I feel particularly grateful for my life as a foster parent the past 14 years.

It has long been a tradition in our home on Thanksgiving Day, as we sit down at the table, for each of us to state what we have been thankful for each year.  From the youngest to the oldest, it is always interesting to hear what others might say. Sometimes, it can be sad, while other times, it can be amusing. Most often, it is inspiring.  As you can imagine, our house if quite full with children, and with visitors, from across the globe, when my Australian born wife’s side of the family comes for a visit.
With that in mind, I wanted to share with you why I am grateful, in no particular order mind you, for being a foster parent.

1)  I am thankful for the love in my home.   When a child is placed into my home, they become family the very first day.  To be sure, each placement is different, and there are those placements that are more difficult than others.  Yet, my home is one that has been filled with more love than I could ever have imagined.  And now, I have a "grandchild"originating from foster care, as I am now a grandfather to a child who used to live with us.  How blessed am I!

2) The laughter is often contagious.  Watching a child smile or even laugh for the first time after a life of abuse and neglect is heartwarming.  I have had the privilege of watching a child who had suffered unimaginable abuse learn how to play and learn how to laugh while playing with the other children in my home.  That laughter is often healing for all involved.

3)  A community rallies together.  Without a doubt, I could never be a foster parent without the support of others.  As I have written countless times, not everyone can be a foster parent. Yet, everyone can help in some way.  It has been a joy to watch the small community I live in come together to help our children in foster care; not only in my own home, but in the residential group home for boys in foster care I have founded, as well.

4) Helping birth parents heal.  As a foster parent, I sometimes need to remember that my children from foster child’s biological parents are people in need, and they deserve my kindness and sympathy, not my anger. By working with them, and by showing them kindness and compassion, I can not only help them, I can show their children an important lesson in love and humanity, and help them in their own walk towards healing.

5) There is never a dull day.  I often joke with my fellow foster parents that I go to work to rest, as the needs and responsibilities of so many children in need can, at times, be a little exhausting. Yet, there has never been a dull moment or a boring day in my home.  Quite the opposite, as each day is an adventure and holds new surprises.  Some days, I just have to look at the mayhem around me and smile.

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6) A lesson in service.  14 years of foster parenting.  My oldest child is 19 years of age. You can quickly see that being a foster family is the norm for my own children.  I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to teach my own children that we are here to help others, to serve others, and to put others before ourselves.

7) Forever Family.  Three of the children that were placed into my home from foster care have become forever family members of ours through the gift of adoption.  Without a doubt, adoption has made my family stronger.

8) Learning never stops. I love to learn new things, as I am a curious person, in general.  As a foster parent, I find that I am constantly learning something new, on a daily basis.  To be sure, this constant learning process continues to grow me as a parent, and as a person.

9) My own heart is full.  Through the tears of grief and sorrow and the joys and laughter, I have found that my own heart is rather like the Grinch’s.  Remember in the classic 1966 Christmas cartoon How the Grinch Stole Christmas, when his heart grew so large it burst out of the x-ray device?  That is how my own heart is.  I have experienced so many diverse and intense emotions through the years that my heart is flowing over with love for all.

10) The rewards are unending.  Yes, foster parenting has been the most difficult “job” I have ever done, and the hardest thing I do. Yet, it is by far the most rewarding thing I have ever done, as well. Without a doubt, I am a far better person for each experience, and a far richer person for each child that has come to be a part of my life.


-Dr.John

Read Dr. John's inspirational best selling memoir Fostering Love: One Foster Parent's Journey.  Get your signed copy HERE.

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Guest Blog-How Trauma Changes the Brain by Kim Combes

10/16/2016

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“Trauma changes the biology of the brain,
but just ONE secure, loving and nurturing relationship
also changes the biology of the brain.”  ---Dr. Bruce Perry
 
Dr. Perry is my “rock star” in the human service field. He and his researchers are on the cutting edge of investigating children with PTSD, and how it affects those who have come from very difficult and traumatic backgrounds. In fact, I utilize his materials as I do my own presentations which are geared towards foster/adoptive parents, social workers, teachers, day care providers and others – all of whom have children with difficult and challenging behaviors in their charge.
 
Having been in the counseling arena in some capacity or another for over three and a half decades, I can confirm the veracity of the above quote. Research has shown tangible evidence of the heinous results of trauma…relationships that have been marred by such things as neglect, physical and sexual abuse, domestic violence and substance abuse in children’s lives.
 
MRI scans clearly show brain dysfunction in those with multiple ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences), pictures that resemble the “dark side of the moon” with black crater-like imaging throughout. However, when the same child is placed in a thriving environment in as little time as 6 months to a year, with all needs being met, an MRI photo will start showing bright colors – reds, purples, etc., displaying areas where healing is taking place and synapses are connecting in healthy ways.
 
It was formerly thought that once a brain was damaged, repair was not an option. Studies have since conclusively shown that previous thinking was in error. For example, my wife and I took our adoptive toddler son (born to parents both having intellectual disabilities) to a geneticist 17 years ago. It was thought by the placing social workers that Logan had some “syndrome,” the name of which I can no longer remember. Tests came back negative, thankfully, but I will always remember what the examining doctor told Diane and me. “You cannot change the hard drive a baby is born with, but you can enhance that hard drive by the software you put into it.” Wow, the validity of Dr. Perry’s research, reworded in computer terminology.
 
As our son grew we did our best to stimulate and challenge his brain while providing for him a safe and nurturing home environment. Now, at 17 1/2 years of age, he has already exceeded the prognosis we were given from professionals when we received him in our family at 10 1/2 months old. His brain, before he was removed from his bio-parents at 3 months, was in “failure to thrive” mode. Neglect of his basic needs so early on did indeed negatively affect him. Left for hours in a car seat by his caregivers, with very little or no stimulation, brought him close to death before DHS could place him in foster care. The software we installed upon his entrance into our family, did not completely reverse what genes and history did to his command center, but he is much further along than what genes and traumatic history would have initially dictated.
 
My son’s story is but just one of myriad stories I’ve heard from others or have experienced firsthand over the course of my career. While PTSD undeniably has severe consequences on children enduring tumultuous and chaotic situations, the outcomes do not have to be all gloom and doom. One does not have to be psychologically savvy to do profound work in helping overcome ACEs.  Anyone can be audaciously present in a youngster’s life, thus creating an environment of hope and a legacy of love for those who desperately need both.
 
 
Mr. Kim Combes, M.Ed., has been in the human service field since 1980. He has been a residential treatment counselor/therapist, an educational aide, a DHS social worker, an in-home worker and foster/adoptive parent. Kim has fostered over 35 teen boys since 1994. He is currently a national presenter from Colo, IA, having spoken at numerous conferences across the U.S. Too, he and wife, Diane, have adopted five children with various special needs, with the youngest still at home. Kim is a published freelance writer and is currently working on his first book project hoping to be published within the next year.  He can be contacted at kcombes@netins.net
​

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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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