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Guest Blog: Normalization for Kids in Care by T.J. Petri

12/11/2017

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N
ormalization is a term that can be tossed around in certain circles when foster parenting is the topic. Some define it as the right of foster kids to have very similar opportunities as kids in traditional family homes. Not just material things, which most 14 year olds think they should have, such an X-Box and 2  hoodies. It means being able to attend groups, activities or school functions. just as their peers can and do. It means not lagging behind in anything in which they want to participate, due to their being in Foster Care.

The idea itself is wonderful, but how realistic is it to accomplish using State and Federal guidelines? We live in an ever-changing world with cultures that are very different from each other.  It is more important that a solid foundation is laid so the child has an adequate confidence level before worrying about whether they are getting into the same activities as everyone else. If I had to pick only one phrase in this whole entire post that one would retain for sure, it would be the following . . .

Normalization is achieved as a by-product of self-esteem and confidence. One cannot force normalization on old, beaten down souls in young bodies, without these strengths!

My work in live-in foster care was about six years and during that time I had over 40 teenagers, about six at a time in our home. Following those years, I spent most of my career working with the same population but in other venues.
In order to prepare for my career in foster care at Father Flanagan’s Boystown (beside my formal training in college as a social worker), I was trained 30 straight days before even being allowed to talk or speak with a child. Their program was probably the best I have ever seen as far as results go.  I believe this is due to the fact it was a family model as referred to in the industry. This model leans toward helping that group of people who are now together, function as much as possible like a family unit.  Our job depended on making sure that occurred. It was important that we would never be misconstrued to be an institutional-type setting, where a kid just felt like another number.
 
So whether you’re a foster parent to 1 or 2 or 8, at whatever age, the first priority, in my opinion, should be building foundations.  Help them acquire the tools needed (confidence and self-esteem) to become normalized.  A natural outcome will include a sense of ownership, (in your home/family), so they can call your home, their home.
I live in Florida so we get hurricanes almost every year. This year we had Irma, which crushed our state, covering the entire state with its 100mph+ winds and severe flooding. After it was safe to return home, I was again reminded of the difference between the stick/ wooden homes that were mansions and once huge and stunning but which now looked like they were kicked over like a wooden match book.

However, as we came back to our smaller, non-mansion home,  we had power, and just some flooding, no damage to our brick foundation . Build your foster family on the brick foundation that holds its own during the storm. Once you have the solid foundation, the other things will fall in to place.
In closing, here are 5  key tips I used on all of my foster kids, and my 4 natural kids. Whether you are a foster parent now, may become one soon or currently have only your natural children, these work across the board.  They pertain to normalization because no insecure kid will be itching to participate in any activities without the tools needed on the inside.

Building the inside up first gives way for that needed experience and confidence necessary to transition into normalized activities. 

T.J. Petri is an alumni from foster care, and now works to help children in care today.  Visit T.J.'s website HERE.

 

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The Gift of Being a Foster Parent: A Life of Daily Miracles and Joy

12/1/2017

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Watching a four year old girl smile for the first time. I mean, truly smile, for the first time in her life, after years of horrific sexual abuse by her grandfather.

A six year old boy, learning how to laugh.  Slowly at first, as if he were too nervous to allow himself to find joy in life.  A six year old boy who had only known harsh, physical abuse by both his parents; those sworn to protect and love him.

Helping a 17 year old boy, abandoned by his mother, discover that he does have value and worth in his life, that he is important, and that he can accomplish great things.  A 17 year old boy graduate from high school, and enroll into college, thus beating the odds against him.
Foster parenting has been a tremendous gift to me.

Before I was a foster parent, I had some mixed views about the foster care system. To say that I was unaware and ignorant of what foster care was about is quite the understatement. I had two views of foster care. First, foster children were trouble makers, and it was their fault they were in the system. Second, foster parents were pretty weird people. Well, I got one thing correct; the second part. I was REALLY wrong about the first part. Foster parents are a little weird people, and I have been a foster parent for 15 years as I write this. We have to be a little weird to do what we do, don’t we? After all, foster parents dedicate their lives to serving other people by bringing into their homes and families children who are in need, children who are often troubled, and children who many times have a variety of challenges. To be sure, foster parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done, and continue to do. Perhaps this is why so few do answer the call to be foster parents, as it is a job that requires a great deal of sacrifice from the adult, and from the family. Yet, the rewards are so very great, for all involved.


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Perhaps you have the desire to help out children who suffer from abuse or neglect, Maybe you feel compassion for children who face malnutrition or even drug related problems passed on from a mother’s addiction. Possibly, your heart goes out to those children who are rejected by those who were supposed to love them most: their parents. After all, you feel that every child deserves the right to be in a healthy and supportive home, and most importantly, every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. As a foster parent, you have the opportunity to help these children in need. When you foster a child, not only do you invest in the future and well being of a child, you are also changing the life of that child.
 To be sure, there have been those placements that have been more difficult and more challenging than others — placements that have left both my wife and I weary and exhausted. At the same time, every child that has come into my home has helped to make me a better person, and has helped my family to be a stronger one, as well. For this, and for the many children from foster care who have come to live with me, I am most thankful, and am a much better person for each child that has come to live with my family, and in my home.


Sometimes, we may not be able to save a child from having a horrible and tragic experience before they come to live with us. Yet, we are given the chance, as foster parents, to save them from experiencing other future horrors, and taking them away from dangerous situations. Without a doubt, this is a joy itself. As a foster parent; indeed, as a parent, you are making a difference! You are saving a child from harm! It is my hope that you continue caring for children in foster care. There are so many children in care, yet so few willing to help. May you have the strength and resources, compassion and support; and may you continue to change the life of a child in foster care.

My own heart is full. Through the tears of grief and sorrow and the joys and laughter, I have found that my own heart is rather like the Grinch’s. Remember in the classic 1966 Christmas cartoon How the Grinch Stole Christmas, when his heart grew so large it burst out of the x-ray device? That is how my own heart is. I have experienced so many diverse and intense emotions through the years that my heart is flowing over with love for all.

Are you ready to have your heart overflow with love and joy?  Are you ready to help a child in need?
​
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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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