Foster Care Institute Dr. John DeGarmo
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How this Familiar Story is True about what YOU do!

6/30/2018

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       I understand that we can’t save all the children in foster care out there who need help.  To be sure, there seems to be more children being placed into foster care.  From opioids, to migration, to human trafficking, to homelessness; the number of children being placed into foster care continues to grow.  For you and I, we want to save each one of them.  But, we can't. Friends and family have told me this, as they question why I continue to bring children into my home, and into my family.

    Yet, it is like the familiar Starfish story.

    A father and son were walking along a beach at sunrise after a huge storm. When they stepped onto the beach, they were met with thousands of starfish littering the beach, hundreds in each direction. The boy bent down and picked up a starfish, throwing it far into the ocean. Again and again, he repeated the action. After watching his son for some time, the father asked, “Son, what are you doing?”

    “I’m throwing these starfish back into the ocean,” the young boy answered.

    “I see. But why are you doing this?” the father asked.

    “When the sun comes out and starts warming up the beach, the starfish will all die. I have to throw them back into the water.”

    “But son, you can’t save all of these starfish. You can’t possibly make a difference.”


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    The boy stopped for a moment to take in his father’s words, then bent down, and picked up another starfish in his hand, before throwing it as far as he could back into the ocean. Turning to his father with a large grin spreading across his face, he simply said, “It made a huge difference for that one!”

    And it can make a huge difference for each child from foster care we bring into our home.

    Being a foster parent is often the hardest thing we do. After all, each time a new foster child comes into our family, there are new challenges, as each placement, each child, is unique. Every placement will be different, and it will not become routine; some placements may even be unsettling. We do not have a “normal” lifestyle, to be sure, and we make many sacrifices as we bring children in need and in trauma into our family.

Yet, we are changing lives, while our own lives are being changed. There is a good chance that in the future, the foster child we cared for may not remember our names. There is a good chance that in the future, the foster child we care for may not remember our faces. But for so many children in foster care, each foster child who comes through our homes will remember one thing; that for a period in his life, he was loved, and some day down the road, he will blossom into something better because of it.

    And we will be a better person because of each child, as well.


-Dr. John

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There’s More To All Of Us-Guest Blog by Saty Cornellius

6/16/2018

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I was raised around foster care from a fairly young age. I came to know many things about the system—the roll of a social worker, the loads of medications many kids come with, “the call” asking my parents if they would be willing to take in a new child. ​

All of this helped me to understand the kids who came through my parents’ home a little bit more. I learned that each story is important, no matter what the history is. I realized that grace was essential on both ends of the relationship, not just one.

But there were a few things that really struck a cord with me, and I want to share them with you.

First, I came to understand that there is more to all of our stories than any other person will ever know.

I’ve shared a house and friendships with kids who have been through more than I could even imagine. I’ve seen them struggle with sorting out emotions, and I’ve also seen them rise above the pain and grow to be incredible adults.

There are things about each of those kids I met that I will never be able to comprehend.

Part of the irony in our culture today is that we feel like we have to know everything. We have to have a say in what’s going on, and we have to come out on top.

But that’s not real life.

Real life is about understanding that we each walk a different path, and we won’t have all the answers.

Real life is about being there to listen, to comfort, to sit in their pain with them. Not pretending that we know what they are feeling, or telling them what they can do different.

We have no right if we haven’t experienced what they’ve experienced.

But we can be a rock if that’s what they need, or a shoulder if they need to cry, or a listening ear if they need to vent.

Secondly, there is more to ourselves than we even realize. In my book, titled More To Me, the main character, Bri, goes through more than she ever thought she could bear.
One thing after another destroys the only life she’d known, and she’s left feeling alone and broken.

But somehow she kept going, taking one step at a time until she reached a point where she overcame the pain in her life. It was hard, but she took that one more step, and then two more, and so on—until she had risen above the pain.

It might seem impossible to go on some days, but I promise there is hope in your story too.

When we feel at the end of our rope, there’s always more to us than we know. It’s not until after the storm that we are able to see it, but push through and it will prove itself in time.

***

Saty Cornelius is a writer, wife and adventurer. You can find her debut novel, More To Me, on Amazon or her website, www.satycornelius.com. Saty has a strong love for Jesus, the ocean, and chai tea lattes. She appreciates the value of stories—messy or inspiring, real or fictional—and has a dream of helping people find their worth through the power of these stories.

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Foster Parenting is Under Attack (And the Solution Begins with YOU!)

6/8/2018

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​Foster parenting is under attack in America, perhaps now more than ever.

We both know this to be true.  The evidence is all around us.

Perhaps you read in the news about the foster parent who abused their foster child. You might have even read in the news about the infant who died in foster care.  Truth be told, it seems that there is a story about a “bad foster parent,” each day in the news, and about children being harmed in a foster home.

Let’s be honest. There is a bad apple in every barrel in life. Those bad apples are found all over, and in every corner of society. We both know that those bad apples spoil an entire barrel.

That applies to some foster parents.

As a foster parent of 15 years, this type of news breaks my heart, in so many ways. As a foster parent of over 50 children, this type of news brings tears to my eyes, and heartache to my soul.

Now, you know that our media focuses on these stories. Our media likes to shine the light on those stories that are often focused on the horrible and the shocking. Indeed, this is the type of stereotype that much in society believes to be true. Society is led to believe that all foster parents are bad people. Many believe that foster parents are in it for the money. Many believe that all foster parents don’t care about the children in their homes, or are not vigilant in watching over them.

Perhaps you have a similar situation; those closest to you have no idea what happens in your own life and household every day, and the particular challenges, heartaches, and frustrations you face as a foster parent. As a result, foster parenting will be on display for all to see as you undertake your role as a foster parent. Your family, your work mates, your close friends, those at your church; all will discover what foster care is all about, just by watching what you do each and every day. Furthermore, they will also come to learn more about what children in foster care also experience, as well. Perhaps others will be impressed by your role, and will wish to become a foster parent, as well, or in the very least, help out. Hey, your efforts and your example might even lead others to sign up for the next set of foster parent training sessions in your area.


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To take it a step further, for birth parents and family members of the children in foster care placed in your home, though, you might be the best example of what a good parent is. For many children in foster care, they come from a long cycle of family members placed in foster care. Think of it as a generational cycle. I have had many children in my home whose parents were in foster care before them. Indeed, a few months ago, I had a new born baby placed in our home; a tiny four pound baby who was on a heart monitor when he first came to us. He was so tiny! As you can imagine, my wife immediately fell in love with him, and we had hoped to adopt him. Sadly, it did not work out for us. His parents were both teenagers, approaching twenty years old, and both had been in foster care, themselves. On top of that, the birth mother’s own mother (the tiny baby’s grandmother) had also been in foster care, as well as some of the aunts and uncles of the newborn baby. This was one child that had a long family history of foster care, and would likely have a difficult time trying to have the cycle broken for him if he remained with his biological family.

With this in mind, it is important to remember that you are being watched. To be sure, you might be the first example of how to take care of a child, and how to be a healthy and loving parent. Everything you do as a foster parent will send signals to the biological parents on how a parent should act, as well as how to treat their own children. Everything you say will speak volumes to the child’s birth family members. This is indeed a big responsibility, and should not be taken lightly.


Therefore, as a foster parent, it is important that you embrace this role; this role as a ROLE MODEL for all to see.  For your friends and family, for your workmates and fellow church members, for those in your neighborhood and in your city; you are likely the only example of what a foster parent really is.  Foster parenting is under attack in the media in our nation.  The only way that foster parenting will be seen in a positive and helpful light is by what YOU do, and by how you treat children in your home as foster parent. 

It begins with me and it begins with you.

Let's change that narrative. Let's change that story. Let's show others what foster parents are REALLY like!


-Dr.John

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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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