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How Foster Parenting Makes  You A Better Person

4/30/2018

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“Tell us how you have changed since being a foster parent, please.”

It was a question I had been asked a great deal of late.  Recently, I had been doing the rounds of radio and tv interviews while promoting my newest book, The Foster Care Survival Guide.  Like most people, many of the radio and tv hosts had very little knowledge of what being a foster parent is really about.  I would imagine many of your own friends and family members don’t really understand what you do, either.  Additionally, they likely do not understand how your life has changed.

I have said it many times, in many places; foster parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. It IS hard work.  At the same time, it is also Heart Work.  It is the most important job I have done, as well.  
               
Yet, my life has changed, also, in so many ways, in so many areas. Of the 50 plus children that have come to my home, come to live with my family, each has made me a better person and has made an impact on my life in some way.

I have learned to love deeper, more openly, and without abandon.  I have learned to love each child that comes into my home in an unconditional manner, and without reservations.  I am no longer ashamed to tell people that I love them.  I cry openly now, and am no longer embarrassed when it happens.  The saying that “real men don’t cry” is rubbish to me.  I have become an emotional cripple in that manner, yet in a healthy way.  In a way that I embrace.

Foster parenting has created a sense of urgency within me to make a difference in the lives of those in need.  Perhaps it is due to the children’s horror stories that I have been witness to, and have watched come through my home.   I now am able to see the pain and suffering in others, and am better equipped to help them.  To be sure,  I have always been one that has wanted to help others, but since I have become a foster parent to children who have suffered from abuse, from neglect, and from being abandoned, all by those who profess to love them the most-their birth family members, I have felt compelled to help even more. 


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I have learned to forgive more.  Love and forgiveness are two actions that are intertwined, and cannot be separated. If we truly love others, then we need to forgive, as well. Without forgiveness, there is no love.  When I was angry towards our foster teen’s mother, I was in no way sharing  love. Instead, my stomach was in knots, and I was one tense parent.  I was shackled by my own inability to forgive someone, a prisoner to a debilitating emotion.  Yet, when I did forgive her, it felt like a weight was taken off my own shoulders. One of the amazing things about the act of forgiving others is that it allows us better use our energies towards something that is more constructive, more positive.  Forgiveness frees us from the forces of hate and evil, and instead allows us to draw closer to others, and gives us more strength to do the work we are called to do.  When we forgive the actions of our foster child’s birth parents, not only are we showing love to them, and empowering ourselves, we are also honoring our foster children. 

Foster parenting has transformed me into becoming a better parent to my own children, husband to my wife, and citizen to my community and the world.  For each child that has come through my home, I give thanks.  For each child that has allowed my family to grow, you will always be part of my family.  For each child that spent time in the foster care system while living with my family, I shall always love you.


To my fellow foster parents, thank you for what you do. Thank you for making sacrifices in your own life to care for those in need. Thank you for loving children without abandon, and as family. Thank you for changing the lives of those in need.  May your own lives be changed, as well.

-Dr. John
The Foster Care Institute


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To the Foster or Hopeful Adoptive Parent Considering a Transracial Placement-Guest Blog by Rachel Garlinghouse

4/13/2018

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My introduction to transracial adoption was swift.

Sure, we were open to transracial placement.  Sure, we’d done some research by reading some books, meeting with other transracial families, and checking out relevant blog posts.  Sure, we had imagined the “what if” of bringing home a child of color. 

But our true introduction was when we were handed our first child:  an African American girl.  All the sudden we weren’t imagining or supposing.  We were LIVING.

All the sudden, we got attention.  Lots and lots of attention.  And not just because we were brand-new parents to a newborn, but because we were white parents to a Black baby.  And that baby began to grow up.  We dealt with hair-touchers and nosy questions and assumptions.  Compliments were sometimes back-handed stereotypes and criticism.  Other times we were thanked for adopting a “child in need” who certainly required a “good home.”  We were either saviors or baby-stealers. 

But really, we were just parents.  Parents brand-new to transracial adoption and subsequent parenting.
Our first adoption was almost ten years ago.  Now we have four children, all of whom were transracially adopted.  And we’ve learned a thing or two about what it truly means to live as a multiracial family, created by adoption. 

If you’re new the adoption or fostering journey and are considering inviting a child of color into your home, you need to know the reality of what you are agreeing to.
 
1:  Love isn’t enough.                       
It’s critical to understand that love does not conquer all.  Children of color come to you with not only their needs based on their personal circumstances (why they came to be in your care), but their racial needs.  Just like you can’t love trauma out of child, you can’t love race out of a child (nor should you ever try to).   

2:  Representation matters.
When you bring a child of color into your home, your home needs to reflect your child’s race and racial culture.  Remember, the sayings about home?  “There’s no place like home.”  “Home is where the heart is.”  Home should be a safe, welcoming, accepting space for a child.  So your home needs to have books, art, music, toys, etc. that reflect your child and send him or her the message that they matter, they are celebrated, and that they are safe to be themselves. 

3:  There’s no substitute. 
You can have all the art, music, toys, and books in the world, go to festivals and exhibits, and tell your children they are wonderful just as they are, but without racial role models in their lives, your child is missing out on something critical.  Face-to-face, hand-in-hand, authentic relationships with people of color is essential to your child’s well-being and arguably yours as well.   You need those who share your child’s race to guide you in how you parent your child.   This might also include hair braiders, barbers, medical professionals, and a mentor for your child. 

4:  Get woke, and stay woke. 
You can’t give what you don’t have.  Therefore, you need to understand racial norms in order to teach your child.  Some great ways to go about this include having friends who racially match your child (including a mentor for yourself), reading articles and watching videos from news outlets that focus on your child’s race, attending conferences and workshops, etc.  This isn’t for a season.  Parenting a child of color means you’re committed to learning for the long-haul. 

5:  Think long-term. 
It’s fitting to end with this point.  You aren’t just parenting your child today.  You’re making investments in your child’s future.  This means from the very beginning, when you accept a child of color into your home, you know that this child will not always been a cuddly newborn or a bouncing toddler.  A child of color grows up to become a preteen, then teen, then young adult, then adult of color.  So again, love isn’t enough, and you need to make choices that build your child up as he or she grows up. 
 
Rachel Garlinghouse is a mom of four by adoption, author, and speaker who blogs about her family’s adventures at whitesugarbrownsugar.com

 

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Why Do You Keep Being a Foster Parent?  Maybe, This is Why.

4/1/2018

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      “Kelly, our caseworker Susan just called me; the children are going back to live with their mother tomorrow.”  After leaving the message on my wife’s answering machine, I sat back in my chair, disheartened from the conversation I had with the children’s caseworker.  She had called me at work, informing me that the three children were to move back home with their mother.  It was a difficult conversation, one in which I no doubt came across as the bad guy, so to speak. Their mother had gotten a job at a local fast food restaurant, and in the eyes of the state’s child welfare system, was now able to appropriately take care of her children.  Despite this, I was upset, and protested to the caseworker.

        “Susan, when I take foster children into my home, they become my children.   I fight for them as if they were my own.” I had told her just moments before on the phone.  “I wonder if this young mother will be able to provide for them all that they need.  How can someone who is so young, and by herself, make sure that Micah, who has severe learning disabilities, and Joshua, who has anger issues, get the resources they need to thrive?  Kelly and I have struggled enough by ourselves to provide what these children require.  How can she do this, by herself?  Besides this, it was just a few months ago that she was beating them with an electrical cord.  Are you telling me that because she has a job now, she no longer has these issues?”  I was frustrated, and I was concerned.  I just didn’t want to see these children placed back in an environment where they would take steps backwards, where they would suffer.   My phone call did nothing to change the situation, though I did feel better knowing that I at least tried.  After all, every child needs someone to fight for them.  

        Yet, at the same time, I knew that I was being judgmental, that I was judging this lady, whom I had never met.  It was terribly unfair of me, I recognized, and I was ashamed of it.  I just had such a difficult time believing that this decision was the best one for these children.  In fact, Kelly and I both believed that the children would eventually be returned back into foster care, as so many children often are.  With this in mind, I made the request to Susan that we have the opportunity to have them placed in our home again, if only for the sake of consistency for the children.


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     Two days later, I dropped the children off at their daycare, along with their clothes and belongings.  Susan was to pick them up later in the day and return them to their home in what is known in foster care as “Reunification,” or the reuniting of a foster child with a biological parent or family member.  Like all the rest, this was a difficult time for our family, as we had become quite attached to them, despite the exhaustion we felt.  In fact, this was a particular difficult separation for Kelly.

     Kelly had grown to love each child individually, though she had developed a special love for baby Linda.  This tiny infant, so very precious and so very helpless, had wrapped herself around Kelly’s heart.  Perhaps it was Kelly’s mothering instinct, perhaps it was the hours and hours of treatment each evening and morning, perhaps it was simply that Kelly, like many mothers, loved babies.  Yet, when it was time for Kelly to give the baby one last kiss, she did so, with tears streaming down her face.

     The next moment was more difficult, though, for my wife.  After placing Joshua down from a farewell kiss and hug, she leaned over to scoop up Micah in her arms.  What came from his lips next was nothing less than a miracle, leaving Kelly stunned.

     “I love you, Mommy.”

     Four words; four simple words that Kelly had heard her own children say to her countless times throughout each day.  Four words Kelly had heard many other foster children tell her, as well, throughout the past eight years.  Yet, from Micah, these very words shook Kelly so emotionally that she could only hug the boy all the harder, drawing him into her chest tightly as she embraced him deeply.  Micah, who had only been able to speak no more than two words at a time, spoke volumes to Kelly that moment.  The little three year old boy, who had never spoken the words “love” or “Mommy” before, had reassured to Kelly that, despite the difficulties, being a foster parent to these children was not only worth it, but that she had made a positive impact in their lives.

    Like me, you might struggle when your children from foster care move from your home. There are times when the removal of a foster child from may come suddenly, and without any prior warning.  You may only have a few days, or even a few hours, before your foster child is to move.  This may be due to a court order, health reasons, or placement into another foster home.   Other times, plenty of notice is given to the foster parents beforehand.  Whenever you are told, there will sure to be emotions involved, for both you and the foster child.    If the removal of your foster child is one that you disapprove of, due to his new placement, it is important that you do not share these feelings with your foster child.  If you must express your concerns and feelings with the caseworker, do so in private, as it will only serve to burden him with more anxiety during this difficult time of separation.

      Keep this in mind, though. You have made a difference.  You have made a tremendous difference in the life of a child in need.  Though you may not be able to recognize it, you have changed the life of a child, and have done so for the better.  Years later, after a foster child has left your home, he may not remember your face.  He may not remember your name. Yet, that child will remember one this; that he was important, and that he was loved.  Thank you for loving children in foster care.

       Thank you for changing the world, one child at a time.


-Dr. John
The Foster Care Institute


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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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