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Guest Blog-So I Married an Ex-Foster Kid by Ashley Rhodes-Courter

1/11/2017

18 Comments

 
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Erick:
I fell for Ashley hard, and fast.  With her gorgeous red hair and wide smile she stands out in a crowd.  In fact, I was the guitarist in a band and I first saw her in the audience and wondered, “Who is that girl?”  She was so clever, poised, and smart, I didn’t realize she was a teenager. We talked about politics, ideas, and philosophies.  I had never met anyone quite like her, or her family.  Being brought into Ashley’s world—the world of adoption and foster care—would change my life forever.

I grew up in a Catholic household with three siblings. My mother was the oldest of seven, and my father the oldest of four. They are still married and living in the same house where I was raised. I didn’t leave home until I was 23, and even then, I moved into a place with my older brother. My family is close, reserved, and traditional. I was an Eagle Scout who went camping, my mother sewed our clothes, and we ate the fresh vegetables we grew in our backyard.

Ashley’s families terrified me—both of them. Her adoptive parents Phil and Gay Courter came into her life when she was a preteen.  They also had two biological sons. One had graduated from Princeton and was quite literally a rocket scientist.  The other was finishing his college degree in anthropology and film. The Courters were educated, well-traveled, boisterous, and active in their communities.  Ashley had recently been reunited with her birth family and half-siblings when we met.  After many difficult years, her mother was clean and sober, and was a successful electrician.  She lived with a guy who restored motorcycles.  Her birth mother and her boyfriend didn’t pressure me with questions about my intentions or future so I felt more comfortable with them, but Ashley was on edge because her life experience of broken promises made her wary.   I couldn’t understand what it was like to be reacquainted with relatives who felt more like strangers.  Ashley always wanted me to accompany her to visit her young adult brother or her mother and sister because she felt so vulnerable.  Usually I was the one who felt out of place with the Courters, but in these situations, she was the tense one and often left feeling frustrated, rejected, or sad, none of which made sense to me. 

After years of dating (years that were not always easy), I asked Ashley to marry me. We invited her birth and adopted family members to our wedding on a cruise ship. Trapped at sea with both of her mothers and their families on a four-day voyage:  What could possibly go wrong?

 
Ashley: 
Like most former foster kids, it’s hard for me to trust anyone.  More than five years after my adoption had been finalized, I still thought my parents might “send me back” if I displeased them.  During my nearly ten years in foster care, I had more than 14 placements. I was moved home-to-home, school-to-school, often with no explanation. Sometimes I was with my brother, sometimes not. No one knew who my birth father was, and I had infrequent visits with my birth mother, including a two-and-a-half year period where she didn’t see me at all. I felt like I was constantly being tossed out like trash, or returned because of some defect—all proof that I was worthless and unlovable. 

To protect myself I became guarded, aloof, and cold.  I had shut down my heart so it could not be wounded.  This survival mode numbed me from the frequent disappointments as well as the physical and emotional abuse I experienced.  In a self-fulfilling prophecy, I was attracted to guys who didn’t return my feelings or who were quick to dump me.  I was flattered when an older musician began to flirt with me and I dropped my guard.  At first he was attentive and kind, but I soon discovered he loved the spotlight, applause, and the adoration of other girls, more than me.  Not only that, he often criticized my appearance, my ambitions, and my friends.
​
I was still magnetized by this man when I met Erick.  Erick knew I was still smitten with the other guy, but listened to me woes and was a safe port in my stormy life.  When I attended college in his hometown, he understood when I was busy, but also was available during any crisis.  Friends accused me of using him, which I denied, but the truth was that I took for granted that he would be there when I needed him but make himself scarce when I had other plans.  While I was aware that I had spent years testing the Courters to see how bad I could be before they got rid of me, I was unaware that I was following the same pattern.   Erick wasn’t fazed.  He persisted even when I didn’t make time for him for weeks, but he was always available if I needed something from him.  Eventually I began to compare other guys to him and slowly realized he was who I turned to more and more often.  When I either wised up—or grew up—we began an exclusive relationship.  We had been together one way or another for six years before he asked me to marry him on bended knee with a ring proffered and my family standing around to see my reaction.  My first thought was that this was a prank.  I didn’t believe in fairy tales or that someone could make a life-long commitment to me romantically.  Even when I finally decided to take a chance on him, I was still so haunted by my dysfunctional past. I was consumed with worry that I was unworthy, or that I would fail at being a wife and mother.

​

Ashley Rhodes-Courter, MSW, is the New York Times Bestselling Author of the memoirs Three Little Words and Three More Words.  Ashely is also the founder and director of The Foundation for Sustainable Families. She spent nearly a decade in the foster care system before being adopted from a group home after 14 placements.  Ashley met Erick during her senior year of high school.  They became college sweethearts and are now married with three boys ages two, three, and four.  They have fostered more than 25 children and are also adoptive parents.


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18 Comments
Jennifer Good
1/16/2017 03:51:41 am

Love it! Love your books and your mission, Ashley. I'm so excited and happy for your happiness. 😊

Reply
kroon alley
5/24/2020 12:17:47 am

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I want to give a big thanks to a great spell caster commonly known as DR Gbojie for the great spiritual prayers he did in my life by bringing my ex-lover back to me after many months of breakup and loneliness. With this, I am convinced that you are sent to this word to rescue people from heartbreaks and also to help us get the solution to every relationship problem. for those of you out there who have one relationship problem or the other why not contact DR Gbojie. that is the best place you can solve all your problems, including a lack of jobs and promotions, binding and marriage spells, divorce and attraction spells, anxiety and depression problems, good luck and lotto spells, fertility, and pregnancy spells, and also the business success and customer increase, winning court cases and many more. contact him at gbojiespiritualtemple@gmail.com  , gbojiespiritualtemple@yahoo.com or contact mobile contact +2349066410185

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kind regards

Reply
Susie
1/20/2017 07:13:47 am

You are true inspiration to many.

Reply
Diane
1/20/2017 08:19:45 am

After reading your book and your mother's book on your adoption experience, my husband and I became foster parents to my CASA child. He was 12 years old and came with an older sister. I knew him very well, but she was a mystery. After turning 18 she decided to leave, but we are still parents to R. He does not want to be adopted because of the college benefits he would loose, but i keep hoping he will change his mind. Parenting him and his sister has been a roller coaster I could have never imagined. We had successfully raised five children, all college graduates and responsible adults. The truth is, we knew nothing about raising foster children, but we have learned you hang on tight and never stop loving, supporting and helping them image a fulfilling future for themselves. I will always consider R my son and i love him as a I love my other children, but it has been hard. And we all know anything worth doing is hard. Thank you to you and your mom for the help through your books. It has been invaluable.

Reply
Eisner Institute for Professional Studies link
1/27/2017 06:06:07 am

I really enjoy reading and also appreciate your work.

Reply
K. ALLWOOD
8/18/2018 04:09:52 am

I just finished reading, "Three Little Words." What an inspiring story. My husband and I are starting the process of being adoptive parents. I went to the local library to get books on adoption. I'm so glad I found yours. It was an eye opener to say the least. I know I will reflect it on many times during this new journey for our family. Thank you for sharing your story. I was so sorry to learn of your brothers passing. God bless you and your family.
K.A.

Reply
Storage Units Services Reno Nv link
9/12/2018 01:12:52 pm

Best Part Was moved home-to-home, school-to-school, often with no explanation. Sometimes I was with my brother,

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kroon alley
5/24/2020 12:18:34 am

24 HOURS  LOVE SPELL CASTER (DR. GBOJIE) THAT HELPED ME BRING BACK LOVER  CONTACT HIM NOW FOR ANY KIND OF HELP

I want to give a big thanks to a great spell caster commonly known as DR Gbojie for the great spiritual prayers he did in my life by bringing my ex-lover back to me after many months of breakup and loneliness. With this, I am convinced that you are sent to this word to rescue people from heartbreaks and also to help us get the solution to every relationship problem. for those of you out there who have one relationship problem or the other why not contact DR Gbojie. that is the best place you can solve all your problems, including a lack of jobs and promotions, binding and marriage spells, divorce and attraction spells, anxiety and depression problems, good luck and lotto spells, fertility, and pregnancy spells, and also the business success and customer increase, winning court cases and many more. contact him at gbojiespiritualtemple@gmail.com  , gbojiespiritualtemple@yahoo.com or contact mobile contact +2349066410185

I highly recommend his services.  website :  http://gbojiespiritualtemple.website2.me/

kind regards

Reply
maria gusto
9/21/2020 03:25:54 pm

WOW...What a Great Testimony....I am by name Maria Gusto from USA, i want to use this opportunity to thank the Great DR.balbosa for helping in getting my Ex husband back to me, i have been in great pains until the day i contacted DR on, balbosasolutionhome@gmail.com or TEXT on WHATSAPP +2347048047728.he gave me a lasting solution and told me to wait for just 12 hours so that my Ex husband will call me and i did according to the instructions given to me by him and surprisingly, before 12 hours, my Ex husband really called me and started apologizing for all he had caused me.I am the happiest Woman on earth today because Dr.balbosa has done wonderful deeds in my life and I will continue to share this testimony, you can contact him also for help on his Email: balbosasolutionhome@gmail.com and WHATAPP Number on +2347048047728.Good Luck...


WOW...What a Great Testimony....I am by name Maria Gusto from USA, i want to use this opportunity to thank the Great DR.balbosa for helping in getting my Ex husband back to me, i have been in great pains until the day i contacted DR on, balbosasolutionhome@gmail.com or TEXT on WHATSAPP +2347048047728.he gave me a lasting solution and told me to wait for just 12 hours so that my Ex husband will call me and i did according to the instructions given to me by him and surprisingly, before 12 hours, my Ex husband really called me and started apologizing for all he had caused me.I am the happiest Woman on earth today because Dr.balbosa has done wonderful deeds in my life and I will continue to share this testimony, you can contact him also for help on his Email: balbosasolutionhome@gmail.com and WHATAPP Number on +2347048047728.Good Luck...

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10/16/2020 12:44:09 am



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Sharon Wayne
10/17/2020 01:31:34 am

I want to thank Dr Emu a very powerful spell caster who help me to bring my husband back to me, few month ago i have a serious problem with my husband, to the extend that he left the house, and he started dating another woman and he stayed with the woman, i tried all i can to bring him back, but all my effort was useless until the day my friend came to my house and i told her every thing that had happened between me and my husband, then she told me of a powerful spell caster who help her when she was in the same problem I then contact Dr Emu and told him every thing and he told me not to worry my self again that my husband will come back to me after he has cast a spell on him, i thought it was a joke, after he had finish casting the spell, he told me that he had just finish casting the spell, to my greatest surprise within 48 hours, my husband really came back begging me to forgive him, if you need his help you can contact him with via email: Emutemple@gmail.com or add him up on his whatsapp +2347012841542 is willing to help any body that need his help.

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Charlotte Keagan link
10/19/2020 04:25:59 am

Email Dr Sambo for a real love spell: divinespellhome@gmail.com 
contact him on his  whatsapp mobile line +2348145810121 You can also visit his website http://drsambo443.website2.me/
Hello viewers, I living in South Africa , I am very happy to share this amazing testimony, I was hurt and heart broken when my husband left me with our two children, I was confused and didn't know what to do, I loved him so much, I tried all I could to bring him back but to no avail, on one faithfully day as I was coming from work I met a friend of mine whom I explain my problem to, and she told me of a spell caster called "Dr Sambo" whom also make her pregnant when she was looking for a child, I contacted the spell caster through the email she gave to me, and the spell caster told me what to do and I did exactly as I was told,  to my grates surprise, my husband who has not called me for a very long time, called me and start apologizing for all the wrongs he did to me, and now  he loved me more than ever before, brothers and sisters if you are passing through any kind problem contact him and i give you 100% guarantee that he will solve your problems. this is his contacts divinespellhome@gmail.com whatsapp mobile line +2348145810121

Reply
Sharon Wayne
10/31/2020 03:31:28 pm

I want to thank Dr Emu a very powerful spell caster who help me to bring my husband back to me, few month ago i have a serious problem with my husband, to the extend that he left the house, and he started dating another woman and he stayed with the woman, i tried all i can to bring him back, but all my effort was useless until the day my friend came to my house and i told her every thing that had happened between me and my husband, then she told me of a powerful spell caster who help her when she was in the same problem I then contact Dr Emu and told him every thing and he told me not to worry my self again that my husband will come back to me after he has cast a spell on him, i thought it was a joke, after he had finish casting the spell, he told me that he had just finish casting the spell, to my greatest surprise within 48 hours, my husband really came back begging me to forgive him, if you need his help you can contact him with via email: Emutemple@gmail.com or add him up on his whatsapp +2347012841542 is willing to help any body that need his help.

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Michael Patricia
12/4/2020 05:11:43 pm

This year 2020 has been so blissful to me for God has given me a reason to live happily again after been heart broken for 3 months when my husband neglected me and went back to he's mistress. I suffered and went through all types of emotional tortures for i couldn't get any help to get my man back not until i was refereed to Dr. Iyaya by my co-worker who gave me her full assurance about him that he can be of help to me. I got in touch with Dr. Iyaya and i hearken to his words and followed the instructions given to me by him. Could you believe that my husband got back home within 12 to 16 hours as said by him and today, my marriage is restored & i'm so thankful, appreciative & grateful to God for using Dr. Iyaya to get my man back after 3 months of broken marriage. Is there anyone out there who needs to get back to he's or her lover back or needs any help of any kind? Then, i suggest that you get in touch with Dr. Iyaya now through his Email: doctoriyaya@gmail.com
Call/WhatsApp: +2349055785722 for more information, visit he website you may found your solution there www.https://dr-iyaya-herbal-remedy.webnode.com God bless you sir.

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Christi Becker
1/16/2021 06:42:23 am

I was suffering from a bunch of heart wrenching events, my life and relationship was a mess. I lost so many things within a year including my job and my pet dog, but the most of all was my husband. He has been the best thing that happened to me since when I knew him, I’m used to his lifestyle and I see him as my all and guiding angel, he is the only person that I could trust and even die for. I felt so lost when he decided to be apart, though I wasn’t surprised because he was already making out with his co-worker, so I was expecting anything. He left the house without any trace. I was worried and kept crying all night, I prayed and fast. It was 2 weeks after his disappearance that he called, told me to move on with my life. I was angry and ashamed of myself for having an unsuccessful relationship. The most annoying thing was that I was a month pregnant for him; I lost the baby because of emotional stress; (Things weren’t going well in my life and I realized I needed spiritual help. The help came immediately when I contacted Lord Erhun through this email: meetlorderhun@gmail.com and on whatsApp +2348181686060  It was like a miracle when the Lord Erhun brought him back within 2 days after the love spell was cast. He came back and apologized to me, he is now a changed man and Lord Erhun also helped to restore my dream job. Am so grateful to Lord Erhun for his kindness and I will keep spreading this good news. Email him through meetlorderhun@gmail.com and share your own testimony.  

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Christi Becker
1/16/2021 06:51:57 am

I was suffering from a bunch of heart wrenching events, my life and relationship was a mess. I lost so many things within a year including my job and my pet dog, but the most of all was my husband. He has been the best thing that happened to me since when I knew him, I’m used to his lifestyle and I see him as my all and guiding angel, he is the only person that I could trust and even die for. I felt so lost when he decided to be apart, though I wasn’t surprised because he was already making out with his co-worker, so I was expecting anything. He left the house without any trace. I was worried and kept crying all night, I prayed and fast. It was 2 weeks after his disappearance that he called, told me to move on with my life. I was angry and ashamed of myself for having an unsuccessful relationship. The most annoying thing was that I was a month pregnant for him; I lost the baby because of emotional stress; (Things weren’t going well in my life and I realized I needed spiritual help. The help came immediately when I contacted Lord Erhun through this email: meetlorderhun@gmail.com and on whatsApp +2348181686060  It was like a miracle when the Lord Erhun brought him back within 2 days after the love spell was cast. He came back and apologized to me, he is now a changed man and Lord Erhun also helped to restore my dream job. Am so grateful to Lord Erhun for his kindness and I will keep spreading this good news. Email him through meetlorderhun@gmail.com and share your own testimony. 

Reply



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    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent for over 15 years, with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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