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Building Trust with your Foster Child

5/30/2014

36 Comments

 
            Once again, I watched my wife reach out to our foster son, trying to give him a hug.  Instead, he pulled away, yelling at her, and stormed down the stairs and into his bedroom.  With a sad look in her eyes, my wife gave me a half hearted smile, and slowly sat down in the chair, exhausted from this daily battle with the child.  The ten year old had been in our home for five months, now, and had resisted all attempts from both my wife and I to show any signs of love and compassion from him. I didn’t blame him; he had been abused physically, sexually, and mentally by so many other adults in his life, and was full of anger and mistrust.  Indeed, why should he trust us?  I saw no reason why he should, and my heart only went out to him all the more.   We were both determined to not give up on him, and to keep trying to reach out to the child, who was simply hurting inside.

When a child is suddenly taken from his home, and from his family, and placed in a home against his will, there are bound to be issues of trust.  One way to combat this is to create a trusting and nurturing environment within your own home.   Let your foster child know as early as possible that he is welcome in your house.  Along with this, you will want to let your foster child know that your house is a safe one, and that he will not come to harm in your home.  Not only do you want to let your foster child know this when he joins your family, it is just as important to remind him of this as often as possible.  You want to show your foster child that you .your foster child needs to realize that all of these are important.  For some children, this might be a new experience, as they have never been shown value before. 

Join the thousands who receive Dr. DeGarmo’s FREE foster care newsletter. Simply fill out the form below.


            Trust can also be built by showing your foster child that you care for him.  Building a trusting relationship means showing your foster child that you are concerned for his well being, physically, emotionally, and mentally.  Showing compassion for your foster child is an important part of building a healthy relationship, as he needs to know and feel that you care for him.  After all, close relationships between children and adults is a central part of avoiding further risky behavior.  Trust, though, does take time, and for some foster children, it may take a very long period of time.  Remember, you are planting seeds, here, that you may never see come to fruition.

After living with us for six months, our ten year old foster son left our home, moving to his grandparent’s house.  During those six months with us, we tried several strategies with him, all designed to build trust and love with him.  To both of us, it looked like we had failed; failed to make any headway into his heart, and it appeared that this door was simply not going to open on his behalf.  Yet, on the day he was to leave, we were blessed with an amazing surprise; a gift from him to us, and perhaps one from us to him.   For the last time, my wife gave him a hug, kissing him on the forehead, and telling him that she loved him.  Instead of once again lashing out at her, like he had so many times before, he wrapped his arms around her tightly, and with tears in his own eyes, he said, “I love you, too.”

-Dr. John DeGarmo

Check out Dr. DeGarmo’s new book, Keeping Foster Children Safe Online.  This will be the most important and relevant book on foster care you will buy all year.

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36 Comments
Elvira Conwill
6/3/2014 07:19:53 am

New in the faster care, need to know how to take care of heart children

Reply
Shirley
6/12/2014 03:16:08 am

Establish a contact at their pediatrician's (doctor's) office who you can consult with about their condition, activities, etc.

Reply
Dr. John
6/5/2014 08:28:19 am

Elvira, please feel free to fill out the form on my website to receive my free foster care newsletter. You will find a great deal of information and resources on it. Cheers!

Reply
Tanya Turner
6/20/2014 06:17:29 am

Reply
Theresa L. Steiber Moncada
6/19/2018 06:45:03 pm

I would love to read this book!!?

Reply
Dr.John
6/19/2018 06:49:04 pm

Great! We would love to send you a signed copy. Here's how you can order one. https://www.drjohndegarmofostercare.com/store/p1/Keeping_Foster_Children_Safe_Online%3A__Positive_Strategies_to_Prevent_Cyberbullying%2C_Inappropriate_Contact%2C_and_Other_Digital_Dangers_.html

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    AUTHOR
    Dr. John DeGarmo is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute, and is recognized as a leading expert in foster care. Dr. John is an TEDX Talk speaker, international trainer and speaker, consultant, author, and most importantly, a father.  He has been a foster parent  with over 60 children who have come to live in his home from adoption and foster care. He is the author of many books, including the  book  
    The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Book for Today's Foster Parents.

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