When a Child Leaves your Family

4/24/2015

My friend, I have a bit of bad news for you. It really does not get any easier when children move from your home, and leave your family. But guess what?   It shouldn’t get any easier. This is how it really should be. If you experience grief and loss when your foster child leaves, this is a reflection of the love that developed between you and your child; a reflection of the love that you gave a child in need. As you know, children in foster care need us to love them; they need us to feel for them. When they leave our homes, we should grieve for them, as it simply means that we have given them what they need the most; our love.

Like me, you might struggle when your children from foster care move from your home. There are times when the removal of a foster child from may come suddenly, and without any prior warning. You may only have a few days, or even a few hours, before your foster child is to move. This may be due to a court order, health reasons, or placement into another foster home.   Other times, plenty of notice is given to the foster parents beforehand. Whenever you are told, there will sure to be emotions involved, for both you and the foster child.

I have watched over 45 children come to live with me and my family, and then move to other homes. Each time, my wife and I have grown to love these children, caring for them as if they were our very own, and treating them the same as all the others in our home; biological, adoptive, or foster. Each time a child leaves, my wife and I experience a great sense of loss, even when we can be comforted with the knowledge that the children have gone to a good and safe home. There have been times when my wife has sunk into deep grief, crying for days. We have both spent considerable time on our knees, lifting up a former foster child up in prayer. There have also been those times when we felt a small sense of relief when a child left our home. A few years back, we had a sibling group of three children in diapers, all with challenging behaviors and conditions. For those four months, we were run ragged, worn out, and tired. When the children left our home, to be returned to their mother, both my wife and I cried. At the same time, though, we felt that a burden had been lifted off of our shoulders, that we could breathe and relax a little, and focus on our own children some more.

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Saying goodbye is never easy for anyone, and may be especially difficult for you and your foster child. After your foster child leaves your home, you may feel like you never wish to foster again, as the pain is too great. The grief you feel may be overwhelming. Please remember this though, my friend; you are not alone. It is normal for foster parents to feel loss and grief each time a child leaves a home. Take time to grieve, and remind yourself that you are not in control of the situation. Find more tips on how to make this difficult time easier for both the child and your own family in my eBook When a Foster Child Leaves.

To be sure, it is hard being a foster parent. The grief when a child leaves can, at times, be over whelming and consuming. It is like losing a child, a member of your family.   Yet, I don’t want you to give up when a child leaves, because your heart is heavy. There are other children out there, right now, who need a home and need a family. There is a child out there right now who needs you to love him.

-Dr. John DeGarmo

For more, purchase the eBook Foster Parenting 101: When a Foster Child Leaves. Click HERE to buy your copy.

30 Comments

Connie McKillop

4/30/2015 05:22:37 am

I do not understand why foster parents are not allowed contact with children who have had a long placement with foster family. Our last placement sibling group were with us 1 1/2 years and the next to youngest child was only 4 months old at the time of placement. We were not allowed any contact after they were unexpectedly moved to another foster home. We had no allegations of miss treatment of any kind. We no longer do foster care for this reason. I think it is a crime to treat children in this way.

Cheryl

5/29/2015 08:55:57 pm

Hi Connie, You are right, you should be able to have contact with children who were placed with you for a long time, I mean the most valuable thing other that Jesus Christ in a child's life is attachment and support with healthy families and these kids experience loss one again when they leave your home. But we know the system is broken and I mean its not just cracked, its a shattered mess. Its an overwhelmed system filled with terrible judges, lawyers supervisors, and caseworkers and then there are the awesome ones who suffer burnout and high stress yet keep on going! and that being said, I think contact after a discharge is possible if the right players are on the field, like a foster or foster to adopt parent that agrees to your contact, then there is management of everything, like who will ensure your background check is kept current or CPS/foster care case managers who say they want the child to "stabilize and bond" in the home they are currently in and having you in the child's life gets spun in a negative light and not a positive light where you are there to love on that child and not be any thing other than that and they are worried about other things and I will let you fill in the blanks. I just wanted to say that sometimes contact is possible and in other cases when it is not, just know that a child placed in your home for however long was loved, supported and prayed for while he/she was with you and that goes with them when they leave and prayer is powerful and you are one more person in the world specifically asking God and his angels to go with that very child all the days of his life, you gave to that child's life, you are making a difference. Cheryl Thiery, former CPS CW, Foster parent and Foster Care Case Manager. Now Post Adopt case worker.

Paula Zaman

1/17/2017 09:07:46 pm

Your so right I got one visit, where they strapped the child in a high chair and told me to say goodbye , it was against the child human right to do that to him and he was crying with his arms out to me, this was 4 weeks ago, waiting on my to children to get a visit as it was over the holidays and heard nothing at all social services I think they are trying to pull the plug on their visit, disgusting the way we were treated. I am sorry you don't foster you clearly have a good heart
Paula

Kate

4/6/2017 01:30:51 am

I agree!

1/29/2017 06:48:26 pm

Well it final my kids are not to see the foster child they are 25 and 21, so not so.little they can bounce back, as kids do, they have both sides they thought of fostering and adopt but now they say they won't, the social have never taken into account the their feelings and we are also rethinking fostering now.

Sandra

4/28/2017 09:16:45 pm

I cannot get anywhere close to telling you the injustices in the system that I have witnessed. I am so out of time and distraught at this beautiful 3 year old is going into such a dangerous and damaging environment. Her mother does not have the financial, emotional or physical ability to care for this child properly. I stress Properly, because DSS have NO STANDARDS. As long as the parent is not using drugs, they are OK. There is a pysch evaluation, visitation records, so much that shows she is not ready yet to be a full time single mother – but they are being ignored.. When I hear they are looking out for the best interest of the child such bs! Laws need to change!! I never knew it was so bad. It's disgusting

Dr. John DeGarmo

9/22/2019 01:16:09 pm

Sandra, to be sure, the system is a broken one, on many levels. It is up to people like YOU and I to truly fix it. Let's both roll our sleeves up do just that.

Tricia Windhorn

2/25/2020 03:44:19 pm

How do we go about that? Help me get started in my area. I desperately want change in this broken system that is supposedly serving children’s best intrust that are actually exposing children to unnecessary hardships, resulting in brokenness in their own lives. Can you tell me a first baby step? Things must change and I want to be part of it. I need to be part of it.

Rhonda

11/13/2019 08:15:06 pm

I completely agree, my daughter has been fostering for more than a year. Was about to finalize adoption when the judge decided to give the child back to Grandma, who isn't equipped or able to provide for and take care of the child like they are. Not to mention their daughter and all of us as family have so much love for this baby and none of us will ever see the child again. My heart is breaking for my daughter her family and this beautiful child that knows no family but us.

Michelle

5/4/2020 11:22:32 pm

Sandra, Rhonda, and Tricia Windhorn, you are all so right that the system is broken. It's broken beyond repair. There is nothing you can do from the outside, and there is nothing you can do from the inside. That's by design.

The only thing we can do, is tell our stories, and our children's stories, over and over again, and build a body of knowledge that lives in the broken hearts of children that were, or are, in foster care, and had terrible foster parents, but could not get away, or had wonderful foster parents, and were ripped away, when all they wanted to do was stay, and be "normal" kids.

We have to tell our stories, and our children's stories, the good, the bad, and the very ugly truth that Child Welfare is not at all child welfare.

We have to tell the stories about family court, and the injustice that happens there, every day, when laws that are supposed to protect children are used to hurt them.

We have to be brave, and speak out about the caseworkers that lie, that fabricate accusations, and do it in concert with their co-workers, and do it in plain sight, because the very systems that are supposedly in place to protect children are written to erase all history, when there si an accusation, so if a caseworker needs new accusation, they just reprint an old one, and the old accusation becomes new, and there is no history to show that foster parent complied with all requests contained in that accusation, it was rewritten, so it is shinny and new, and then used to blindside foster parents.

Not many know that any accusation that's made, even after it's cleared up, can be made "new" again, and used against a foster parent.

That level of corruption is so deep, there is no way to repair what we have now. The only real option, if we want to stop harming our children, is to build a new system, one with checks and balances, one with transparency, and one based on research that shows what it REALLY in the best interests of a child.

#1 - stop taking so many children from their parents.

People who have never had the horror of being in the system, as a child or bio-parent or foster parent have this delusion that child welfare knows better than any other group, what is best for a child.

Safety is vital, and neglect does not mean a child is not safe, and neglect can be best handled with support to the family, in whatever form they need support, what we need to do first is stop taking so many children from their parents!

#2 - build software that tracks every change to every document, that cannot be bypassed by caseworkers.

They shouldn't abuse the power they have now, to change anything at any time and in any way, but they do, and this build corruption into the system.

There are many ways to prevent caseworkers from taking advantage of the trust that they've been given, and the most important is to stop trusting them, and lock down the digital files, so that they cannot tamper with them, ever!

#3 - create child welfare teams that consist of the bio-parent, the foster parent, and one other trained and trusted adult, who is NOT a caseworker.

This third adult could be the Guardian Ad Litem, the child's counselor, or in the case of a Native American child, a member of their Tribe.

I can guarantee that the reason bio-parents and foster parents don't mix right now is because caseworkers know that if we ever joined forces, the bio and foster parents, we would easily overpower the caseworkers.

Caseworkers have their role, oversight, safety visits, things like that. It's a HUGE problem that the caseworkers also decide the future of the children. They are, by definition, compromised, because it's their jobs, their judgements, and their success that's on the line, so they do what's best for them, not what's best for a child.

You might not believe that a bio parent, and foster parent and a GAL could sit down together and find the best solution foe a child.

Any solution that doesn't include the bio-parent, the foster parent, and the GAL is political, so not child welfare.

#4 - public oversight is critical. Too many in our society believe that the child welfare system is "not that bad."

This is our failure, as a society, to allow so many to see the child welfare system, but only from a distance.

We need to give our bio-parents a voice.

We need to give our foster parents a voice.

We need to give our children who have been in foster care a voice.

We need a public that understands that they need to listen.

The outcomes for children in foster care are dismal, and that feeds our homeless population, our under-educated population, and our prison population.

Foster care is everyone's business, and needs to be everyone's concern.

The loss of potential in our children is morally corrupt, and we now it's happening every day, and to continue on, as if it will all work out, means we fail our children.

#5 - The world is changing, and some would say that lifting up the most vulnerable is too much of a burden,

5/4/2020 11:31:35 pm

#5 - The world is changing, and some would say that lifting up the most vulnerable is too much of a burden, for them, and for our society.

This is because they've gone without, they've had a need that was not met, through their own resources, or through our societies.

Their view is understandable, but wrong.

When we lift up the most vulnerable, we heal the wounds of our society.

Humans that have what they need, don't start wars.

Humans that have what they need, don't harm others.

Humans that have what they need, see a need, and try to help, and in doing so, they heal themselves, their society, and the world.

The Child Welfare system, as it exists today, cannot heal a child, heal a society, of heal the world.

Our current Child Welfare system is based on such old ideas, and so entrenched with corruption, that it cannot do what we need it to do.

We have to start over, from the ground level, and build up.

There is no fixing the current child welfare system, from within, or from the outside, we have to build a new system, one that truly is based on child welfare.

Emily

8/26/2017 03:53:04 pm

I fostered a child who was disfigured as a result of parental neglect. The child was with me for over 14 of the 18 months of her life. After seeing her through multiple procedures to repair the effects of her parents neglect and believing the social workers lines about adoption she was removed and returned to her parents with just a few hours notice. Because of the dishonesty of the social worker I will never foster another child. Had she been straightforward with her information i would have still cared for the child so there was really no reason for her to manipulate the situation. So many people said don't trust what they say. I regret not heeding their advice but I will never regret caring for a child who needed me.

Michelle Welburn

12/19/2017 01:44:00 pm

Our foster child has just moved into residential therapeutic care I know it's the best decision for him but iam heartbroken, so many mistakes were made by social services that I feel I need to do something but iam exhausted and feel I will never get over losing him he's been with us three years

Kim prince

12/20/2017 07:54:13 am

My husband and I had a child from birth to 4 yrs who was nonverbal and autistic. She was taken with in hours to be returned to her birth mother who had never even cared for her. Please know you aren’t alone and I’m praying for you.

12/20/2017 08:43:29 am

Aww bless you that's horrendous the poor child, honestly no one would believe how we are treated x

Tonya Gibson

1/8/2018 09:00:30 pm

My foster daughter was removed right after thanksgiving without any warning. No neglect on our part. We've been allowed 1 phone call. My son who is 4 is grieving so hard for his (sister) to come home. She was with us 3 yrs and we we're led to believe we could adopt her. Our family is in such heartache and idk where to turn to. I don't know how to help my son because I'm not sure how to help myself grieve. We have decided after many years of fostering to NEVER do this again. Too much heartache and pain and the judge even said the system designed to protect us, failed us.

Heather

3/29/2018 08:15:01 am

Tonya,
I am so sorry that happened to your precious family. I too am trying to figure out how to help my grieving children. We fostered twin newborns (20 days old) and their 12 month old brother for 18 months. Since they were so small upon arrival... it really was like having brand new siblings for my biological boys. They were only 3 and 5 when the 3 babies came. The county moved them to their biological grandmother’s place last month. We had 5 days notice. We raised the twins since birth and we are all they know. The grandmother has not responded to any of our communication at all. It feels like a death to all of us x3 children. The boys pray every night that they will come back home. It’s so hard!

10/4/2018 10:06:53 pm

My children were taken after 5 years. Yes, I call them my children. Yes, after 5 years, they are my children. Yes, they were both old enough to say "no, I don't want to move." Yes, they took them anyway. The grief I feel isn't just that my children left, it's that their bio-family had no respect for them, and what they wanted, and it's that a caseworker came to get the kids, and the bio-parent was shielded from the hurt they caused their own children, and it's that no one in the bio-family would take them, that's why they ended up with me, but I am still thrown away like trash, a one-use person, who'd been used up, it's that my children are not safe in their bio-family, and no one in their bio-family recognizes that because they are in such deep denial that all they see is a pretty picture, and not the reality that it is THE BIO_FAMILY members that so horribly abuse my kids, and now there see them all the time, and have to spend time with them, so the grief isn't just that our family was destroyed because that's what the bio-family wanted, and isn't just that my children are gone, it's that there is reason to believe that the abuse will continue, so there is no happy ending, not for me, and not for the children, only for that bio-parent, that believes their own BS, that "everything is wonderful now."

Andy Bender link

11/21/2018 07:16:25 pm

It is a common thing to happen when becoming a foster parents and not the proper adopting of those kids. You must need to ready yourselves and not too attach to kids.

12/8/2018 01:58:14 am

Young children bond with a loving caring adult that's meeting all of their needs in 12 months, or sooner. That bond is intended to last a lifetime. That bond, when broken, creates in the child and in the adult, a reaction that is equivalent to the death of the other person.

So, when a child is placed for 12+ months, and then removed, the child goes through the grief they would feel if their biological mommy died.

When a child is placed for 12+ months, and then removed, the adult(s) goes through the grief they would feel if their own biological child died.

So, Andy Bender, supposedly form afafostering.com (AFA Fostering, also known as Anglia Fostering Agency, is an independent fostering agency.), I have no idea why you would write what you did, other than to antagonize foster parents, which puts you squarely in the wrong.

I have no idea why you would write what you did, other than to spread the lie that adults can care for a child and not get attached, which puts you squarely in the wrong.

It's not possible for an adult to care for a child in their home, every day, 24/7, but "not too attach to kids!"

It is devastating to a child's development to live with an adult that is NOT attached to them.

So, while I have no expectation that you, as a real or fake person, will reconsider your view, and I seriously doubt this will get posted, I want you to know that I've heavily edited what I might say, out of respect for the fact that is someone else's website...

Your ignorance isn't bliss, it's dangerous, especially to children.

Andy Wilson

9/22/2019 05:28:19 am

We are experiencing our first foster child of we had her 13 months she was 4 when she arrived to us and still wore nappies at night we soon got her out of those she couldn't play, share etc and was very challenging and would punch kick bite etc on a night as she didn't want to go to bed on a night she was a very intelligent little girl and most of the time acted above her years, she had gone to live with her sisters careers at her own request a couple of days ago and we didn't expect the emotions we have we are both heartbroken on a good note though we know her new carers very well so we will be able to see her from time to time but we are still finding it very difficult meal times are the hardest it's so very quiet and empty right now

9/22/2019 01:18:39 pm

Andy, make no mistake, many children who enter into foster care have this very same challenge. Like you, I have experienced this, as well, several times. I believe that you will find the Foster Care Institute webinar Eating Disorders and Children in Foster Care most helpful.
This training webinar examines the challenges that eating disorders pose for children and offers solutions to best treat this disorder. This is a very popular webinar with foster parents. Here's a link to get access to it (and over 40 other webinars for 12 months.) Hope this helps. http://www.drjohndegarmofostercare.com/store/c11/Paid_Membership.html

Andrew Wilson

9/22/2019 01:49:26 pm

Thank you for the reply John eating wasn't as such with her the part at end was that meal times are now very quiet without her as this was always family time our biggest challenge was the anger we had many months of not being able to get her to sleep until after midnight 7 days a week and the more tired she got the worse she got but we wouldn't have missed it for the world because of our patients and love we helped that little girl control her anger we have hopefully changed her life for the better but this made it so much harder to let her go

Lynn

8/2/2020 07:45:28 pm

Our family fostered 4 siblings, a boy and 3 girls for 11 months and they were just taken in June to live with their grandmother. I feel like I'm supposed to go on normally. I don't have time to be so sad. My biological kids and my husband need me. The grandma has been okay with us having the kids come for visits with us until recently. I know she is stressed out. But she says the kids are doing great. As does the social worker. When they come here they are clingy and cry and cry when they have to go back. They didn't want to go and we didn't want them to go. They are ages 3 to 7. They belong to a Native American tribe and the grandma in May said she wanted us to adopt them (she's not in the tribe), but the tribe said they have to go with family or else the tribe would take them. That's what they told the grandma. So they backed her into a corner and she took them so they wouldn't go with strangers in the tribe. I feel so deeply saddened that laws that should be looking out for the best interest of the child are actually what is hurting them. I feel very alone since I don't have any close friends who have fostered. No one understands how attached you get them-how deeply we love them. We have 6 bio children. Our family will go on and be okay eventually although I don't think the scar will ever heal. These 4 babies, I'm not so sure about. I know how strongly they connected with us and the previous foster homes they suffered in as well as with their birth parents. We were the first people they really attached to. I know the dysfunction they came from, and I know it's still there. I feel like my heart will never heal and that their sweet little hearts will never heal either. I just keep praying that grandma will allow us to keep seeing them sometimes so they know they aren't abandoned again. I feel like everyone is telling me it will be okay for them, that they are adjusting just fine. Grandma and the social worker saying they are fine. But I just don't feel like they are.

Paul

9/18/2020 10:10:57 am

The way to fix these problems is through exposing what DFCS really is, their board members, the money, all of it needs to be exposed. Don't worry, it's coming.

9/18/2020 11:08:20 am

We received word a couple weeks ago from the Grandma and then from the tribe as well that we are not allowed to contact the children anymore at all. Not even a note in the mail. I can't imagine what she is telling the kids about why we are not coming to see them anymore. I had told the oldest child a few times that if anyone ever tries to tell him that we didn't love him and his sisters and that we don't want to see them anymore, that that is not true. That we always love them and want to see them. I just hope he can remember that and hold on to it and that he can tell his sisters. I certainly hope there is a new solution coming to child welfare. Today a new foster child will join our home. I decided that I will not give the tribe that power of whether or not we decided to foster again. They won't be the reason that if we decided not to help more kids because the tribe hurt us too much. We will keep helping kids regardless of what the system does to us or to them. We will help them for as long as we are allowed to keep them. We will make every day we have with them count.

Myra

9/18/2020 06:51:20 pm

We have fostered in the past six years. We were adopted a little boy who is now four and he has been in our care since he was six months. The last placement is where we are hurt and grieving because we got him when he was 2 days old and now he left us Wednesday when he is now 13 months. The whole time bio family were up and down of where he should be placed. He already has 4 siblings placed with grandmother so at first she kept saying no but the bio moms attorney kept forcing him on the grandmother. She said yes in February but then was taking long to complete the home study, just recently when the parents were terminated she finally had it completed. What hurts is that it took all 13 months and we became a family to him, that’s all he knew. This is hard to move forward and we will not foster after him. We could only hope the bio family will take care of him and continue to love him.

9/18/2020 08:08:39 pm

Myra, I am so sad to hear of your loss. This is not right what happened to your little man- being taken from you. I'm so sorry to hear of his loss as well. I don't understand how the system thinks that returning them to bio family will fix everything. Our 4 little ones were put in the system over 2 years ago by their mother. They suffered through 2 abusive foster homes for a year before they made it to us. Then became very attached to us and were with us for 11 months. If the tribe and the system were concerned at all with the welfare of the kids they would have tried to have them placed with grandma from the beginning of being in the system. Why did they wait til 2 years later???? Grandma is a close relative, she's not that hard to find. I just don't understand why these kids had to suffer through abusive foster homes and then get attached to us before the tribe finally pressured grandma into raising the kids. :( :( :( I think in many cases it just makes the child's life and the bio family's life worse. Today we were supposed to have a new child placed with us, but it fell through, her current foster family decided to keep her after all. They had given their notice 14 days ago. Yesterday I cleaned out the room where our 4 little ones lived to get ready for the new one and cried and cried finding things of theirs - drawings, etc. toys that had fallen behind the beds and dressers. I keep finding things around the house as well. As you said I just hope they are being loved and cared for with their grandma. I have to hope they are. I hope to see them again someday when they are older. I know the older 3 will remember us. So I hope we will see them again someday. I hope the love they felt from us can be used to attach to their grandma and that they can teach their bio family more about how to love. I hope. Hugs to you and your family. And I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. You are not alone.

Serena

11/27/2020 08:39:45 pm

I am heart broken. My foster son left last week. My family adopted his biological brothers and the mother fought for him, but bot the other boys. Addiction. What is wrong with the system? Why is this ok? No child should ever have to go through this. Recovery court really has no idea the emotional damage that is done...... my heart mourns for the love of my boy....

Nancy

8/10/2021 07:48:22 am

Our son and daughter-in-law have been fostering to adopt their first child, who is almost two, and have to give him up today to a family friend. He is the most beautiful boy, and his leaving is breaking many hearts. I, as his foster gramma, have cried for three days. I never knew I could love a child so much that wasn’t my own. My husband and I are grieving for my son and daughter-in-law as well as ourselves, our other two sons and our daughter-in-law’s family. The pain is so great. They’ve only had him a few months, but our hearts melted the day we met him. He made it so easy to love him so much. He’s adorable, funny, silly and smart for his age. He just fit right in and bonded to our son, wanting to do everything he does. Fostering is such a selfless act and God bless the people who do it with the right intentions. Some are only out for the money. I will always pray for him and the friend who now has him, that he will always be safe and in a happy home. I hope to see him again someday. 🥺😭

When a Child Leaves your Family

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