I have a bit of bad news for you. It really does not get any easier when children move from your home and leave your family. But guess what? It shouldn’t get any easier. This is how it really should be. If you experience grief and loss when your foster child leaves, this reflects the love that developed between you and your child, a reflection of the love that you gave a child in need. As you know, children in foster care need us to love them; they need us to feel for them. When they leave our homes, we should grieve for them, as it simply means that we have given them what they need the most—our love.
At whatever age a child or teen leaves your home—and for whatever reason—it may be a difficult and emotional time for both you and the child. So, we compiled a list of practical steps to help ensure a smoother transition for everyone involved:
1. Communicate openly: Talk to the child about their upcoming transition and help them understand the reasons behind it. Reassure them that they are not at fault and that they will be okay.
2. Maintain routines: Stick to your regular routines as much as possible to provide stability and predictability during the transition.
3. Pack their belongings: Help them pack their things with care—and please, use a suitcase, not a trash bag. Make sure they have all their clothing, toys, personal items, and anything meaningful from your home.
4. Create a “Lifebook”: Start a Lifebook as soon as the child joins your home. Think of it as a scrapbook of their time with you. For many children in foster care, much of their early life story is lost or forgotten. A Lifebook filled with photos, drawings, mementos, and written memories helps them maintain a connection to their story and provides continuity as they transition.
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5. Exchange contact information: With permission, share your contact info with the caseworker or new caregivers so you can remain a support, even from afar.
6. Prepare emotionally: Acknowledge your own emotions and grief. Reach out for support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed.
7. Celebrate their time with you: Plan a meaningful activity or celebration to mark their time in your home. Give them a joyful memory to carry forward.
8. Reflect on the experience: After they leave, take time to reflect. Think about what you’ve learned and how you've grown. Use that insight as you consider future steps in your foster care journey.
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Saying goodbye is never easy for anyone and may be especially difficult for you and your foster child. After your foster child leaves your home, you may feel like you never wish to foster again, as the pain is too great. The grief you feel may be overwhelming. Please remember this though, my friend: You are not alone. It is normal for foster parents to feel loss and grief each time a child leaves your home. Take time to grieve and remind yourself that you are not in control of the situation.
And please remember this. It is okay to cry as a foster parent.
It means that you gave the child what she needed the most—someone to love her with all your heart.
-Dr. John
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