Establishing and building trust with your teen is perhaps the most important thing you can do for him and with him. He needs to learn how to trust someone, not only for you and your family while he lives with you, but also for him now, and in his future. He will need to learn how to trust others in the future for him to transition into a healthy adult. Trust will be essential for him as an adult to have healthy relationships with others, to establish friendships, and for employment and career opportunities.
As we have seen earlier, trust takes time. Let’s look at what the best selling book The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home. says about trust:
Perhaps the most important step you can take in helping your foster teen is building trust with him. This will take time, and you will have to have patience; do not expect him to come to your home trusting all you say and do. Give him space and allow him time to learn to trust you. Do not make promises to him that you are sure you are unable to keep. Once a promise is broken by you, it gives him further evidence that he cannot trust you. Talk to him on a personal level; find out what his interests are and encourage him to pursue those. Show interest in him, as well as in his biological family. Help him enroll in after school clubs and activities. Help him to research possible careers for him when he graduates from high school and inform him that dropping out of high school will have severe negative consequences for him. Encourage him to express his feelings and emotions to you, as well as to a counselor, if necessary. He will need to learn that expressing his feelings is natural and healthy instead of keeping them inside.
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Remember the eye rolling we talked about? When it does happen, or when he might make those mean and snide comments, disobey you, or break your family rules, it is important that you do not respond likewise. Instead, it is important that you remain calm, avoid yelling, and avoid being aggressive to the teen placed in your home. When he is trying to argue with you, or raising his voice to you, try to keep your own tone and intensity of your voice lowered.
Be aware of your own stress levels, and if you feel that you are not in control of your emotions, or feel that you may become angry, take a time out. Let him know that you need to step away, and that you will be happy to discuss the matter with him after you have been able to find the calm and the patience that you both need.
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Another way to help your troubled teen is to look at his situation from a different perspective. Try looking at what is troubling him not from the perspective of an adult, or as his foster parent, but instead through the eyes of a teenager in today’s world. In other words, from his perspective. When you do this, it allows you to gain insight into what might be troubling him, insight into what might be triggering his actions and emotional responses. This might help you to respond differently and help bridge the communication gap better.
Today’s teens crave some sort of sense of belonging. Help him find it in your own home, and with your own family.
-Dr. John
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